The Bakery

[Rhoda]

The Bakery

 

As I’ve placed my order the familiar sound of the cheaply mass produced kettle roars. My teabag is thrown harshly in the already crumbling polystyrene cup I’m about to be served. My attention is not on the damp bacon sandwich I’m about to clutch in my sweaty palms however; it is on you. The wind picks up and whistles through every open orifice present as you turn round and face me. The bakery is crammed with hungry builders on their lunch break and students rocking their head to the music in an absent minded fashion. Crowded as it is, my eyes are on you and not on the selection of delicious cakes and fruit lovingly adorning the display below the counter. Only a heavenly arrangement could have been made by you, and the very thought of those soft hands of yours slowly cutting my sandwich into halves makes my stomach rumble with sheer anticipation. The tea you’ll soon be handing to me will be not fused from a weak teabag from an industrial-sized box of 200. I will drink and the taste will be that of an aromatic tea leaf hand picked in Brazil and watered well, its flavour hitting me as hard any winter wind.

 

As you pass me, your hair is coiled in a large swirl, and I long to smell it more than any pastry roll you can wave under my nose from a fresh tray. As you struggle to lift the “now open” sign which lies helpless on the floor due to a passing breeze, I rush to help, eager to see more of you and adamant that hands like yours should remain inside, baking fresh treats for those ravenous builders that want nothing more but a pie, quick sex and dishonest belligerence. Ours eyes meet for around two seconds to show your gratitude and time slows to a crawl; buses gently pass rather than tear past the pavement and a bird’s wings are rendered slow, defying physics as it flies.

You rush inside, eager to serve as many as you can before noon, presumably to see your boyfriend. A girl as sweet as any pastry can not be free for very long.

 

You hand me the cup, which is already unstable as I attempt to grip it in a natural fashion so not to seem edgy and nervous. With one free hand I take the sandwich, paper rustling under my already sweaty fingers, clamping down un-necessarily tight. As I leave, I steal a glance but you’re away again, your apron trailing elegantly behind you as you disappear behind a striped ribbon curtain into the kitchen, attending the call of a burning batch of sausages. Next week I’ll say something. Next week I’ll free you from your diligent position at the bakery and show you a time your face will beam at. This day will never come however, no matter how much I swear on it while taking bites out of a sandwich made by glorious fingertips. You’ll always belong to the bakery, and never to me.

 

[Oxidizer]

This is the stuff of stalkers. Er, I mean, that was really sweet! And different from your other works; I like.

 

I hope the poor guy's crush is reciprocated one day.

[Rhoda]

Thanks for the comment, and nice pun on "sweet". Intentional or not, you've just injected this topic with humour! Take that, significantly longer stories.

 

Um, yeah, where was I? I didn't want to write something that's become the cliche normality here, which is start innocent, then twist into something sinister. I aimed for you, the reader, to think there's something coming and there's really not. An anti-climax, perhaps, but I think it works.

[Oxidizer]

The "sweet" thang was unintentional. Perhaps I ought've kept quiet and kept the illusion that I was a punner. But yes, the anti-climax angle definitely works and is strangely refreshing 'round these parts after all the macabre stuff. Nice job!

[Canofceleri]

Badass.

[Rhoda]

Exactly, I've read a lot of the "start simple and innocent, reveal to be something ghastly". I dig them, don't get me wrong, I quite enjoy watching how the tone instantly changes, but I rather fancy myself writing more straight cut, all out, short and simple pieces just like this. It's verbal gymnastics at the end of the day.

 

And thanks for your comment Frank, one word is all I need, so long as it's a positive one.

[Lethal Nizzle]

Brilliant. Brilliant descriptions in the first paragraph, and throughout.

 

Very nice.

[Vercetti21]

Short but firm from beginning to end like Oxi's dick.

 

Seriously though, I really liked it. And the fact that it was written from a 2nd person perspective made the "stalker-esh" aspect of it stand out more.

[Rhoda]

Thanks everyone. And now that I look, the tone would be considerably different if I was writing in third person, may come off less desperate. With this writing style, it seems like the character is visiting purely to see the women. I was going to go into more negative imagery about the quality of the food but that would've contrasted heavily with about comparisons are made between her and the cakes.

[Eminence]

Decent, but a little bland. I don't know, it never really clicked with me. I understand the lack of any sort of sinister twist, but the end makes me wonder - so, what? The description is nice and flows well, but I just wondered at the end, what was the real point? We have no connection to the protagonist, and therefore no empathy, so the whole idea of the opposite character always belonging to the bakery doesn't seem overtly powerful.

 

Oh, and for the record, this isn't written in second person. Yes, it utilises second person in order to refer to a 'character' of the story, but it's told in first person.

[Rhoda]

A conclusive ending would have been more satisfying, I will say that. At the minute I'm just experimenting with what I feel comfortable writing, so I'm testing the water, you could say. Cheers Phil.

[Eminence]

It's not necessarily the ending that I mean; I actually really like the ending, especially the last line. In fairness, that is quite effective. It's just that, the reader seems to have no real connection to the character - so the question is, why do we really care?

 

A good experimental piece, definitely. I may have sounded a little too harsh upon first reflection.

[Rhoda]

Be as harsh as you initially felt Phil, don't sugarcoat it mate. Maybe if I'd have written more about the character's obession with the girl, that would've elaborated more on his relationship with said girl and us as an audience.

[Oxidizer]

Short but firm from beginning to end like Oxi's dick.

Lies!