There's A Sickness

[Wanted Assailant]

...

Edited October 18, 2009 by Wanted Assailant

[mark-2007]

Overall, this is a good piece I think.

 

I noticed a few little errors here and there, although they're so small they're most likely just accidental.

 

 

His last breathed

Should be his last "breath".

 

 

My noisily weep

Should me just "noisy".

 

 

A very glad moment

I dunno if this snippet is really that relevant, since it only confuses the sentence in my eyes.

 

 

who laid there across the floor like a lump

I'm not sure if this is the best simile to use.

 

 

the slaying riots of the staff members

Do you mean the staff members killed patients? Or did the patients riot and killed the staff members? It's a bit muddy to me.

 

 

In no hurry would they even stopped if the pope was being carried along, and I had fulfilled the meaning to why the chicken crossed the road.

I'm not sure if this was badly worded or it's me, but I don't understand this sentence.

 

I did, however, love the following sentence...

 

With nothing to lose except a beating heart, I shifted my legs wildly out onto the street.

 

 

“Listen, you gotta f*ckin’ help me, Okay!?!”

The "O" doesn't need to be capitalised.

 

A lot of the sentences were packed with great imagery and description. I thought it was a nice, quick read.

[Eminence]

All the mistakes I picked up on. This is a unique post by me, as I'm just going to point them out, without explaining them - I'll see if you can figure it out yourself!

 

 

His last breathed soothed and warmed

 

 

and was abnormally saddened by his wretched expression he left

 

 

My noisily weep started to calm down

 

 

the liquid ejected in a thin stream had flown through the vessels throughout my body

 

 

and grabbed the cold sheets that was spread out messily over the blood-ridden mattress

 

 

I ripped opened the doors to freedom

 

 

but the horrible collapse of the unpublicized and known facility told that all things

 

 

whether good or bad comes to an end

 

 

Financial troubles and the slaying riots of the staff members that were never told outdoors, foreshadowed the end.

 

 

In no hurry would they even stopped if the pope was being carried along

 

 

and I had fulfilled the meaning to why the chicken crossed the road

 

 

I whipped past and evaded the vehicles, my foot finally reached on the curb of the sidewalk while huffing for air

 

 

“Listen, you gotta f*ckin’ help me, Okay!?!”

 

 

as it rung through my mind without an ending echo

 

 

I violently vibrated his body around, my hands cupped around his arms

 

 

I clenched my fists and chocked gruelingly on my continuous sobs

 

Overall, it wasn't bad. I wasn't really feeling it throughout though. Most of the description seemed basic and cliche, while the flow was hampered by the errors. I never felt empathy or sympathy for the character.

 

 

EDIT: Damn, Mark! As I was typing all that up you beat me to most of them, hehe.

Edited August 24, 2008 by Eminence

[Wanted Assailant]

 

 

*Goes to fix*

Thanks for picking out the errors, guys.

 

I orginally wrote this at a party, writing it for my own amusement. I never finished past the "injection" scene, and decided it upon myself to finish it off. I was going to cut it, leaving it as a really short story. But something told me to flesh it out.