May I Borrow your Pinky Finger?

[Wanted Assailant]

 

 

He settled his knees down on the light woven tatami, his palms softly touched his legs, bowing down gracefully and closing his eyes as a group of men silently enter the well-lit and beautifully decorated room. The place was dressed in various red-colored ornaments, Chinese characters printed on them. Actions were quick, the large supply of about 13 men that had entered sat in the same pose and stature Yoshida held. They grouped around a small, wide wooden table, their knees easily comforted by the folded fabric that was placed beneath. Yoshida wrenched his eyes open to see the men dressed in high-class trousers. They were shirtless; the forever tainted, highly designed, traditional and recognizable tattoos marked in the layers of their skin were revealed. The truth that they were remarkably loyal to their life-long affiliation.

 

Silence roamed the air, before a powerfully characterized figure walked into the room, his status greatly respected. He, too, flaunted the criminal body tattoos that told they followed the honor and ways, but were shadowed by the large, dark trench coat he had wore. He proceeded to reveal those tattoos in an instant, and took off the coat and dress shirt underneath. The respected man performed seiza, kneeling and folding one’s legs underneath one’s thigh on the tatami platform.

 

Yoshida and the man were apart and across from each other; the table became the barrier between them. The peaceful silence continued; the admired man of particular qualities showed a grim expression, defining he was a man with young wisdom. The blue bags leaned under his eyes, and his suave, combed hair glistened and illuminated from the lights. The man stared into the eyes of Yoshida across from his kneeling position.

 

Yoshida looked back, and brung his head back up from the respecting slant. He gulped the putrid, dry juices his salivary glands made, and it irritated his throat fairly. The man Yoshida admired snapped his fingers, almost the only audible sound made throughout the room. One of the guys that sat along, stood and disappeared past a long curtain. Seconds later he came out, with a bottle of rice wine clutched in his hands. Yoshida peered at the alcoholic beverage being held, as the man brought it over to the table along he carried two cups. The azukarinin mixed the sake with the salt and fish scales he gathered.

 

The guarantor had then begun to pour the mixed beverage, the tilt of the glass bottle leaning over the cup that belonged to Noboru, had struck nervousness and minimal fear in Yoshida. The playful liquid dripped and dribbled into the cup, leaving it at the highest point before it could overspill. Yoshida’s heart had sunk low, his hands began to tremble, although invisibly; his eyes darted and locked onto the bottle as his cup was about to be served. His ears throbbed heavily as every stream of liquid flowed inside the small-bowl shaped container. It stopped soon enough, and only reached a little bit before becoming half-full. The guarantor was sent away by Noboru, and he grasped the handle of the cup, awaiting Yoshida to do the the same. Yoshida nodded and held the stout crafted cup by the arm, the liquid produced from sake, fish scales, and salt swished during the tremble of picking it off the table platform. Sternly, Noboru pried his lips open, and sipped the beverage of mixtures, with his eyes still locked onto Yoshida.

 

 

 

 

Yoshida, after Noboru had finished his partial drinking, slowly brought the cup to his mouth as well, the distinguishable, yet boiling stench made from scales to rice wine traveled through the external openings in his nose. His eyes were teased by it, but soon enough he took a sip himself of the small containment bottled in a cup. His tongue stung from the awkward tingling of the drink, his tastebuds had not liked the strange, sour taste it brought to him.

 

But still Yoshida had kept it to himself, daring not show any sign of discomfort and with a broad face he brought the cup down back on the small, wooden table. Noboru nodded, and grabbed Yoshida’s cup for similar effects. Yoshida saw this occurrence and he too, grabbed Noboru’s. At the same time, they had drunk the wine mixture of fish scales and salt of the oppositely given cups. Their lips pressed on the borders of the cups, collecting in the juices and germs from the past drinker. The beverages completely finished, the cups finally slammed on top of the table, the taste still buzzing in their mouths and traveling through their stomachs. A moment of silence followed, before one of Noboru’s men hands him a Japanese Tanto, and brought out a fine, cean napkin.

 

Noboru lent the double-edged knife to Yoshida, who held it firmly in his hands as the napkin was placed softly on the table before him. Noboru glared into Yoshida’s eyes, he knew Yoshida had failed him, despite it being a small error and mistake, it wasn’t acceptable in their rights. Yoshida rested the palm of his right hand on the soft cloth of a napkin through the sturdy table, and the Japanese knife in his other. So close to becoming a full-fledged member, but alas a sacrifice must be made. He must abide by the rules and honor of the code, or he may not be a man with sported qualities. He would soon need to taint his body with the criminal paint everyone else has had, but that was only if Yoshida can finally past the test. He succeeded in one task Noboru assigned him specifically, but unluckily failed a mere quarter. Failure was not tolerated.

 

 

Yoshida aimed the crafted blade physically at the higher joint of his last, little finger. The pores on his face had begun to build up immensely, his eyes furiously locked on only the sword and his hand as they had become to meet. It had to become a clean cut to suffice, and no excessive leakage blood at all. Not wanting the cruel tension to build up, he quickly exerted force in his grip of the blade, and pushed it down on the half of his pinkie finger. He winced at the sharp brutal pain, and closed his eyes immediately after he chopped a portion of his pinkie finger like sliced carrots. This has shown his weakness, due to his disability of upholding a Japanese sword right, relying on the protection of his boss instead as a metaphor. This brought him closer to this violent family.

 

Yoshida quickly shedded away his grimace in front of the Kumicho, and wrapped the napkin around the chopped pinkie as a gift. Compacted, he graciously passed the folded, honorable package towards Noboru, and bows doing so. The act of a Yubitsume is the cause of an offense, and it had to be dealt with dearly in order to be redeemed. Noboru was pleased, though it wasn’t shown upon his expression.

 

The Oyabun pressed his hand against the package,

“You are now my Kobun.”

 

 

 

 

 

A brotherhood is born. The Yakuza.

 

 

 

 

 

 

http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c92/blance/yakuza_wm.jpg

Edited August 24, 2008 by Wanted Assailant

[Eminence]

Within the first paragraph, I felt there were some occasions where, in order to greater enable the flow of the piece, punctuation other than a comma may have been more effective, as well as removing one or two. For example:

 

 

The place was dressed in various, red-colored ornaments

 

Here, I'd remove this particular comma.

 

 

They were shirtless, the forever tainted, highly designed, traditional and recognizable tattoos

 

I'd change this to a colon.

 

Additionally,

 

 

Actions were quick, the large supply of about 13 men that had entered sat in the same pose and stature Yoshida held.

 

The only thing I don't quite understand here is the inclusion of Yoshida - the character has yet to be introduced, so it seemed a bizarre way to first mention the name without having yet told the reader about the character in any way.

 

 

Silence roamed the air, before a powerfully characterized figure walks into the room

 

Tense switching - here it's gone to the present, so it should correctly be 'walked'.

 

 

He too, flaunted the criminal

 

I'd simply add another comma here, to make it read "He, too, flaunted the..."

 

 

dark trench coat he had wore

 

This would make more sense to simply say 'he wore'.

 

 

One of the guys that sat along, stood and disappeared past a long curtain.

 

Incorrect comma usage again - I'd just remove it.

 

 

his tastebuds had not like the strange

 

Wrong tense again, although probably just a typo; 'liked'.

 

 

Noboru nodded, and grabbed Yoshida’s cup for vice versa effects

 

I found this to be a strange phrase to incorporate here - 'for vice versa effects'. It didn't really seem to make sense - were you simply trying to say 'for the same effect'?

 

 

The beverages completely finished, the cups are finally slammed on top of the table, the taste still buzzed in their mouths and traveled through their stomachs.

 

There's a few errors here, as highlighted, mainly to do with tense. There's two ways of doing it, actually; firstly, incorporating a semi-colon, not a comma, would solve the latter errors. Conversely, keeping the comma would require a tense change to present, ironically. Either way, it'd look like this:

 

 

The beverages completely finished, the cups finally slammed on top of the table; the taste still buzzed in their mouths and traveled through their stomachs.

 

Or like this:

 

 

The beverages completely finished, the cups finally slammed on top of the table, the taste still buzzing in their mouths and traveling through their stomachs.

 

 

A moment of silence apprehended

 

Apprehended seemed an odd choice of word here; 'followed', perhaps would be better?

 

 

and brung out a nice, clean napkin.

 

I'm a little torn on 'brung' - you used it earlier, too. To my knowledge, I wouldn't have said it was a word - I'd say the past participle of 'bring' would be 'brought', not 'brung'. However, after looking it up, there's differing opinions - some websites claim 'brung' to be legitimate, while others don't really acknowledge it. So, myself, I'd use 'brought'.

 

Secondly, 'nice'? That's probably the most basic adjective possible - I'd never use it in a narrative, except in some extreme examples.

 

 

his eyes furiously locked on only the sword and his hand as they had become to meet. It had to become a clean cut to suffice

 

Both uses of the word 'become' here are inaccurate. For the first instance, I'd use 'had come to meet', while for the second error, I'd use 'had to be a clean cut'. So, splitting the 'be' and the 'come' from 'become' over the two sentences.

 

 

and no excessive leakage blood at all.

 

'Blood leakage' would sound better here, I feel.

 

 

This has shown his weakness, due to his disability of upholding a Japanese sword right

 

Firstly - tense switching again, as it should be 'had'. Secondly, another strange word choice - 'inability to hold a Japanese sword right' would be a better option.

 

 

Compacted, he graciously passes the folded

 

 

though it wasn’t show upon his expression

 

Couple more tense errors: 'passed' and 'shown'.

 

Overall, I think it was an interesting idea, but it was filled with some odd word usage, poor punctuation choices and lots of tense switching. Additionally, I was a little lost about what exactly happened in the mid-section; why did he fail?

[Wanted Assailant]

Thanks a bunch, Eminence. Appreciate looking over all my errors. Still trying to work on tense and word choice, and I guess I can relate how the presentation of Yoshida wasn't very valid. I tried to create it more like a puzzle for the readers to solve. But that didn't cut it.

 

 

I'll fix the errors and mistakes soon enough.

[Danni]

Besides the typos and grammatical errors, I'm fascinated by the Yakuza, and I really enjoyed this short story, Wanted Assailant.

[Wanted Assailant]

Fixed. To answer past questions:

 

 

 

why did he fail?

 

Unknown failure that even I don't know. Something that deemed an offense to the Yakuza standards, thus the sacrifice of a joint to equal it. Out of the context of a real Yakuza ritual, Yoshida was also using this as a way to become accepted into the group.

 

@Danni: Why thank you.