Favourite comedian and quote

[vercettiisgod]

Okay, I was just wondering who other peoples favourite comedians and and there quotes or jokes are, now i know due to some comedians "style" they tend to swear ALOT! So as a general rule just * the middle letters of curses.

 

The rules are you have to state your favourite comedian or person you know who said that particular joke or quote. Lets get posting.

 

personally my favourite comedian is Billy Connolly with the quote - "What is it with McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you're ordering? It has to be a McChicken burger...a chicken burger gets blank looks. Well, I'll have a McStraw and jam it into your McEyes, you f**cking McTosser!"

 

 

[jedimario]

Robin Williams

 

"...and the Muslims can have Ramadan and that other holiday Kaboom."

[Wanted Assailant]

 

Okay, I was just wondering who other peoples favourite comedians and and there quotes or jokes are, now i know due to some comedians "style" they tend to swear ALOT! So as a general rule just * the middle letters of curses.

No need. The code already does that for you.

 

See:

 

 

sh*t.

[Oxidizer]

"Why do people think that 'fat dyke' is an insult? To me, it means I'ma eat fried chicken AND pussy. That's why I bought wet-naps." - Margaret Cho ftw.

[iRloading]

bill hicks - 'It's just a ride' / 'Play from your f*cking heart'

Edited August 18, 2008 by iRloading

[Seddo]

 

No need. The code already does that for you.

 

See:

 

 

sh*t.

Shit .

 

I find Lee Evans hillaroius, it's just the actions and the changing tones of his voice that he makes with his jokes, it just cracks me up.

 

I've started liking Jimmy Car now aswell, although i've only seen a few clips of him so far and not his full DVD's.

[Ronnyboy]

 

"You know what sound your Prius makes while it drives by?" "What?" "IIIIII'MMMMM GAY"

 

 

Edited August 19, 2008 by Ronnyboy

[Star-Lord]

Robin Williams

 

"...and the Muslims can have Ramadan and that other holiday Kaboom."

He's my Fav too! fu*king hilarious always makes me laugh so hard i have to stop for air.

"I got a drug that will make you harder than Chinese algebra"

[Bartleby]

Louis C.K.

 

 

I'd like to name my kid a whole phrase, like Ladies and Gentlemen.

 

He's not exactly G-rated, so I won't post any Youtube clips. f*cking brilliant, though.

[alx-ndr]

Jimmy Carr

 

'I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.'

 

'I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for one year. I'm not sure about you people, but I think we're being overcharged on groceries.'

 

'My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

 

'A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

 

'I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.'

 

'When someone close to you dies, move seats.'

[Star-Lord]

Ha! Ha! Jimmy Carr

" I got nothing but respect for you bums"

[D- Ice]

 

"You know what sound your Prius makes while it drives by?" "What?" "IIIIII'MMMMM GAY"

 

 

Hahaha LMAO. Just wished they had something like this in the IV comedy club.

 

 

D- Ice Runs away before flaming.

[Cubanwhip]

 

The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough."

 

 

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, but I don't want them too. I'm like, "Hey... Hold on fellows... Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf." Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me. We need to ship a few over, so I can hold one, and pat it on its head.

 

Too many to call one as my favorite.

 

R.I.P.

 

Greatest comedian that ever lived.

[manofpeace]

 

 

My favorite part of that HBO special.

[sofa_king]

 

 

My favorite Carlin rant.

[Wanted Assailant]

The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough."

 

 

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, but I don't want them too. I'm like, "Hey... Hold on fellows... Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf." Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me. We need to ship a few over, so I can hold one, and pat it on its head.

 

Too many to call one as my favorite.

 

R.I.P.

 

Greatest comedian that ever lived.

But that's what they said about ol' Georgey, and Bernie.

[!!GC!!]

Chris Rock is definitely my favourite comedian, any of his quotes are great.

[darthYENIK]

Carlin. I'm one of the many Carlin fans. And here is my favorite rant.

 

 

The man was the greatest philosopher of the late 20th century.

[coasterdude184]

- Frankie Boyle

 

"A man that sleeps with another man should be stoned, it helps that's all I'm saying"

[Lazlow Chatterbox]

Dave Hughes- "The windows (OS) was closed and I can't see the naked chicks"

[makeshyft]

Dave Hughes- "The windows (OS) was closed and I can't see the naked chicks"

Was that just completely taken out of context, so as to not be funny anymore? Dave Hughes is funnier than that.

[nabo45]

 

Part 2:

 

 

And some old Carlin, before he turned into a grumpy old man. This from 1966 so it might not look or sound like him because he changed his style later on, but yeah it really is him.

 

 

 

R.I.P. Georgie

[beanmachine43]

Some more Hedberg:

 

"I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life."

 

"Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper, but it’s a bullsh*t replica, because the dude didn’t even get his degree."

 

Pretty much any of his jokes really.

[Struff Bunstridge]

The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question: "Is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey, don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we kill those people.

 

- Bill Hicks

 

 

[clarke_19_rangers]

 

37_ImDc80A0

 

funny as hell watch the other 14 parts for a good laugh

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37_ImDc80A0

Edited August 19, 2008 by clarke_19_rangers

[Hayden]

George Carlin was one funny bastard. One of many great skits:

 

 

[alx-ndr]

Edited August 19, 2008 by alx-ndr

[Machida]

Billy Connolly and pretty much everything he says.

There's the odd sware word in the video below.

 

 

[ste_t_]

lee evans.

subject - asking directions.

something along the lines of.....

 

'how is it that you always ask the village idiot for directions???

i asked this guy for directions, and he said, ' well you go up the road, make a right. then go round the round-a-bout, round the round-a-bout, oh sh*t i missed my turning.'

 

but the actions he does during it is hilarious.

 

also taken from his XL tour 2005 live at cardiff.

[king surfer]

Steve Coogan, Lee Evans or Ricky Gervais. Magic stuff.