2 Part Short Story

[daviescirca93]

Writers' Note: This is my first real attempt at serious writing, any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

 

 

Part I

“Are you sure you’re going the right way?” she asked me.

“Of course babe, look, even the sat-nav says so,” I replied.

 

She looked at me with those big blue eyes that would make any man turn to putty in matter of seconds. I knew she trusted me just by looking at her, her long blonde hair floated behind her as we drove down the pitch black country road only guided by the headlights.

 

“Max,” she said with a worried voice.

“Yeah?”

“The sat-nav,” she pointed to it, the screen was blank, after many attempts trying to switch it on with no luck she gave up.

 

I kept driving in hope of coming to a gas station or something just for reassurance. 2 miles on, no luck.

 

“What are we going to do?” she asked, I couldn’t tell her I had no idea, I didn’t want to scare her. But what am I supposed to do? We’re in the middle of nowhere without any guide to as where we are,

 

Max, keep driving, you’ll find something.

 

I held her hand, and I looked into her eyes,

 

“I’ll think of something,” I told her, she smiled at me; her smile warmed my heart at the worst of times.

 

We drove for another 3 miles or so, still no clue as to where we were. The car started to feel strange, out of nowhere the back tyre popped, I struggled to fight the car into control with no luck, smoke filled the air around us, the tyres were screaming as they tried to gain grip on the asphalt. The car skidded off the road into a tree.

 

I couldn’t see smoke anymore, all I saw was the night sky, the stars and the moon and then all I saw was the back of my eyelids as I passed out...

 

 

Part II

 

I was in a white void with nothing around me; I was laid on a white hospital bed. I tried to open my eyes but it felt like I was blind from the harsh light. Eventually I managed to open my eyes and I sat up.

“Hello?” I called, the only response I got was my own echo. I was nervous, where was I? Was I dreaming?

 

I saw her again, her blonde hair, her big blue eyes. She sat on the bed and looked at me.

 

She smiled at me,

 

“Wake up Max,”

 

I was confused but before I had a chance to get an idea of what was going on I was thrown out of the void and back into reality. I was back sat in the car that had fused with the tree, my head was resting on the airbag, I sat up; a crippling pain shot down my back like a bullet. I cried out in pain and sat back in the seat.

 

I looked to my right.

 

She wasn’t there.

 

“Liv?”

 

I was scared, I didn’t know if I was dreaming, dead or in reality. Where could she have gone while I was blacked out? Did she go to get help?

 

“Liv? Liv?!” I shouted hoping for her to reply.

 

Nothing.

 

I fell to my knees. I failed her, I promised to never hurt her. The chilling night air gripped me as I stood up.

 

I’m coming to find you, even if it takes me all night.

 

I walked down the country road for miles; it felt like a loop that was never-ending. I was cold, hungry and tired but I wasn’t going to stop until I found her. I walked a few more miles until something caught my eye in the road, it shined off the moonlight fantastically. As I got closer to it I realised what it was.

 

Her necklace.

 

Even in my state of no energy I ran over to the necklace, it was around her neck. I kneeled down to her; there were cuts and bruises all over her, she didn’t move.

 

“Liv?” my voice started to quiver as I started to realise what may be reality, even though I hoped it was a dream.

 

I placed my hand on her neck, it was barely warm. I feared the worst. I tried to feel for a pulse, nothing.

 

A tear rolled down my cheek as I faced the truth of what had happened. I kissed her forehead lightly and stood up, I looked down the road, I could see two lights.

 

Help?

 

No.

 

Without her I was nothing, when I realised she was dead part of me died too.

 

The lights came closer.

 

I heard that when one lovebird dies... the other just gives up on living so it can be with its’ mate.

 

I jumped out in front of the lights. Quick painless death, I can only hope she had the same.

 

I was back in the white void, I saw her again. I ran to her and held her in my arms,

 

“Am I going to wake up?” I asked her

 

“Nope,”

 

“Is this real?”

 

“As real as it gets Max,”

 

I looked at her

She smiled at me

My heart was warm again.

[Wanted Assailant]

Beautiful. Romance stories doesn't get any better than this. Serious writing? You mean all your past works were comedy?

 

I adored the ending, a nice touch and shows the love between the two couples. Somewhere along the line, there were bits of foreshadow that I thought would intend his demise, but that doesn't mean it strayed from the ending, because you've executed it well.

 

 

Max, keep driving, you’ll find something.

 

He was going to find love, as read in the ending. And I cannot help to feel that this whole car, and mostly the roadway scene, meant something.

 

 

EDIT: Scratch that, forgot that this is a two-parter. How can I not see the title?

Edited August 13, 2008 by Wanted Assailant

[Struff Bunstridge]

I also thought this was a beautiful read; the love between the two characters is palpable, and the lovebird analogy was particularly striking.

 

I know it's a short, but I'd have spent more time here:

 

 

The car started to feel strange, out of nowhere the back tyre popped

 

Nothing major, just a bit of development; it all seems to happen a little too quickly. Really, though, this is the only thing that caught my eye (in a bad way!). Everything else is excellent.

Edited August 15, 2008 by Struff Bunstridge

[daviescirca93]

Really appreciate the feedback guys

 

I knew someone would pick up on the tyre bit I should have spent a little bit more time on that part, never mind

 

Keep the feedback coming

[Carbine23]

You got some talent davie

 

I told you i read this and i enjoyed this. The part i most enjoyed was the romance between the two. I felt bad for Max when he saw Liv dead on the road. I can only imagine what he felt. Very emotional, and sad. At first i didn't understand how he killed himself but i read it over and found out he jumped in front of a car. Keep writing, because i see potential in you!