El Hijo de Dios

[Lochie_old]

Authors note: Drug use 'nsh*t. I won't abandon this like I did the other two.

 

 

El Hijo de Dios

 

Prolouge: The Hero Appears

• Marcus stared at the on-coming traffic from high above his lonely pedestal. He let out a deep sigh as the small convoy of vehicles travelled in a large abomination twist and turns down the busy high way, they looked like a colony of ants from high up on the over-pass.

 

“Tonight will be the last night.”

 

He re-assured the cold winter air, his only audience for the evening. He pulled out a silver spoon and red lighter from his coat pocket. He laid the spoon on the cold harsh asphalt as it made a small ping. His cold hands grasped the red lighter; he dug his thumb nail into the groves of the gear and flicked the flint on the butane lighter to see if it worked, with a small but strong flame the plastic torch let out a burst of red and orange fury.

 

Marcus grasped his navy-blue coat and searched himself for his saviour. He found it in his top pocket; he slowly slid his hand into the old cotton pocket and dragged out the contents, a large blue sachet. He shook it and with a quiet but re-assuring sound he grinned from ear to ear.

 

“Tonight is no time to be greedy, Marcus.”

 

He told himself with a sick hint of pleasure in his voice, and then proceeded to pour the small white grains onto the spoon as the packet soon piled its insides onto the base of the silverware.

 

Marcus flicked the lighter again and produced another flame; he moved the tiny source of heat under the spoon and watched as the small white grains soon dissolved into a transparent liquid. He grabbed a syringe from his torn pants and ripped the plastic coating off with his teeth; he gleefully drew the liquid into the needle and then, after making sure none of the precious dew could go to waste, he threw the spoon down onto the marching colony of traffic.

 

He beamed from ear to ear as he stared at the wet tip of the needle, and then slowly dug it into his veins. He went to screech in pain but soon felt overridden by the guilty pleasure as the foreign object flowed through his blood stream.

 

He passed out on the over-pass as the cold asphalt blanketed his face.

Edited August 12, 2008 by ~PhusioN~

[Rhoda]

Great opening chapter, nice use of metaphors and descriptive terms. The way you describe the traffic below Marcus is fantastic, spot on. The only things that did throw me off though were these...

 

 

He laid the spoon on the cold harsh asphalt as it made a small ping. His cold hands grasped the red object; he dug his thumb nail into the groves of the gear and flicked the flint on the butane lighter to see if it worked; with a small but strong flame the plastic torch let out a burst of red and orange fury.

 

Though it's not your fault particularly, a word better suited than "object" could've done there. I may be waffling, as I can't think of a replacement myself, but I just thought I'd point it out after you asked me on MSN and I had no clue either. Also, you use semi colons twice in the same sentence which I'm not sure about, if it's grammatically correct then I'll shut up, heh. All in all, great opening, so post more, yeah? Or I'll cut you.

[mark-2007]

Great, I loved the description.

 

My only grudge was using the word "He" to start sentences, small, but it plays on my mind whenever I try writing as it begins to read like "He did this. He did that. He went here. He went there.". I normally try putting in a bit before it, example:

 

 

He re-assured the cold winter air, his only audience for the evening. He pulled out a silver spoon and red lighter from his coat pocket. He laid the spoon on the cold harsh asphalt as it made a small ping.

 

 

He re-assured the cold winter air, his only audience for the evening. From his coat pocket, he retrieved a silver spoon and red lighter. He laid the spoon on the cold harsh asphalt as it made a small ping.

 

Or something like that. Geddit?

[Eminence]

Masterkraft's observation with the double semi-colons was spot-on; the fact that you've now changed the second to a comma makes much more sense. My main gripe with it, so far, is what Mark pointed out; the narrative dictation of 'he did this, he did that' is far too evident throughout, so for future instalments I'd advise working on that.

 

Another error was with regards to the dialogue and attribution:

 

 

“Tonight will be the last night.”

 

He re-assured the cold winter air, his only audience for the evening.

 

The pink segment, as the attribution, must follow on from the dialogue preceding it. I can see why you've split it up - you wanted the speech on one line for more impact - but to then follow it, stating 'he reassured...'; it needs to follow on directly. Also, I'd just type 're-assured' as one word; reassured.

 

So, it should look more like this in the end:

 

 

“Tonight will be the last night,” he re-assured the cold winter air; his only audience for the evening.

 

Following on from this, you could start a new paragraph, keeping the dialogue to its own solitary line. If you want dialogue completely on its own, you need to discard the attribution.

 

On the whole, it sounds an interesting idea - but where's it going to lead?

 

 

Sidenote @ Masterkraft: Using my pink to highlight errors eh?

[Lochie_old]

Chapter I: Foreign

• Marcus slowly peeled his eye lids open, the cold and wet gravel which blanketed his face was no more but a distant memory. He lifted his tired and aching body up from the luscious green grass; he stared down at his body and noticed that his old and torn clothes had been replaced by a light blue gown. He inspected his skin, what was once scabby and rough as sandpaper was now smooth and clean.

 

“What the hell…” He muttered to himself

 

Marcus stared around at his surroundings, a large green hill and trees speckled the horizon and the sun beamed down its happy face on Marcus. Looking down at his feet he noticed a path had formed underneath him; he slowly drew his eyes to follow it and saw that it stretched on beyond the hills and trees.

 

Marcus followed the path, and after half an hour of walking he noticed that the hill was actually further away then it had been. He ignored this strange mis-hap and assumed that this was just his mind playing a trick on him.

 

After another half an hour the hill had actually divulged itself underneath the trees. Marcus sighed and scratched his head. He pulled his finger away from his scalp and looked at his finger, but there was nothing left. He stared at the stub in astonishment and then felt a strange wetness on his face. He lifted his hand and went to wipe the sweat from his face; he felt a cool but slimy goo cover his hands as he quickly retracted them, he stared down at his palm and saw his own face looking back up at him; he went to scream but no sound came from his voice.

 

The hand smiled at him, Marcus recoiled in fear as he tried to shake his hand in some feeble attempt to get rid of the abomination which plagued his palm. He stared back into his hand, and the face still smiled back at him, it opened and grinned as yellow and brown teeth protruded from the small mouth. Marcus dry-retched as the smile became bigger and bigger, as unhealthier teeth flooded out of the dark black hole; they soon piled up next to him as the gaping smile soon grew off his palm.

 

A black disc had engulfed Marcus’ right hand as all sorts of disease ridden-teeth towered high above him. He let out a sob as the black hole grew bigger and bigger, soon spanning out to the size of a foot ball field; and then suddenly it stopped. The large pile of teeth disappeared and the black hole shrunk rapidly back to its normal self.

 

Marcus tried to bury his eyes shut, but some strange force kept them pried open. He slowly moved to make eye contact with the face on his, and saw that it still smiling; but the teeth had been replaced by shining pearls. Marcus let out a small awkward smile back; the mouth shut.

 

The eyes still beamed at him like the sun beamed its healthy rays; Marcus slowly drew his left index-finger to level with the left eye on his hand. He prodded it gently, his finger went through the hand like a ghosts touch through wood. His left finger had disappeared, and soon everything went dark on his left hand side.

 

Marcus panicked and drew his finger back out, the sun soon returned back to its normal happy self. The face still stared at him though, Marcus sighed. He drew his right hand down and lifted his left hand up to inspect it, everything seemed to be normal. He lifted his right hand back up again and noticed it had gone back to normal, he diverted his attention to his hands, inspecting them for any flaws.

 

After much satisfaction, he stared back up to see if the hill had re-submerged. He was met with the face again, but this time it wasn’t smiling. It was scowling.

 

He went to turn and run; but soon the world opened up beneath him and swallowed him whole.

[Wanted Assailant]

Talk about an acid trip!

 

 

 

Enjoying it so far.