Slackerz

[codedhero305]

I have an idea for an animated show.

 

Characters--

Jake Randal Parker- a clerk at Video King. He almost always gets into trouble, usually it begins after getting drunk or high. He is messy, irresponissble but at times useful. He can beat anyone at checkers if he smokes enough pot. He lost his virginity at seven.

 

Bryan Graves- an assisstant to the vice-president of Shenzi Sushi. He is tidy and stressful. He wants to be a psycologist but usually Jakes shenanigans gets him into trouble.

 

SuperPaul- Jake's gay uncle with super powers. He can be called upon whenever Jake plays a Neil Diamond song.

 

Ninja Ted- Bryan's younger brother and ninjitsu master. He is a vigilante and has a good intentions but gets sidetracked whenever he smokes with Bryan. He also has a short attention span. He works at Funland Theme Park

 

Deacon- Jake's cousin and roomate. He is bartender who wants to be a comic book artist. He constantly gets into trouble with the local mafia.

 

Products-

Video King

Shenzi Sushi

Funland

 

Locales-

Honeybeeton (the main city)

Bubble Burger

Anullvon Prison

 

Episode one will be posted tomorrow.

[John-]

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Edited December 29, 2013 by Lance_Ryder

[The Unvirginiser]

Since this is going to be animation, then it should probably be in the Visual Arts Section because I think that fits it better than Writer's Discussion. Good luck though.

Unless he's writing the script..

[Struff Bunstridge]

SuperPaul- Jake's gay uncle with super powers. He can be called upon whenever Jake plays a Neil Diamond song.

 

I roffled.

 

Not enough comedy in this forum, to be honest, although it's very difficult to write as a script; you've got little in the way of visual comedy available to you, so the jokes and narrative will have to be a lot stronger - look how much of Family Guy's humour relies on the visual (although I personally think their scriptwriters are brilliant anyway). If you're intending to write this, rather than just posting it as an idea, I'd be extremely interested to see what you can come up with.

[The Unvirginiser]

SuperPaul- Jake's gay uncle with super powers. He can be called upon whenever Jake plays a Neil Diamond song.

 

I roffled.

 

Not enough comedy in this forum, to be honest, although it's very difficult to write as a script; you've got little in the way of visual comedy available to you, so the jokes and narrative will have to be a lot stronger - look how much of Family Guy's humour relies on the visual (although I personally think their scriptwriters are brilliant anyway). If you're intending to write this, rather than just posting it as an idea, I'd be extremely interested to see what you can come up with.

Same here.. writing a joke isn't as good as seeing or telling a joke..

What's funnier?

 

*He then slips on a bananna peel*

or

Watching somebody fall arse over tit on a bananna peel

 

 

Banannas are very dangerous

[codedhero305]

Episode One: Bearz aren't Sexxxy!

 

Jake Parker was standing behind the counter at the Video King. A whole line was in front of him and he was babbling away on his cell not caring for the long crowd.

 

Jake (on his phone): So Bry, yesterday I ate some pizza and played Bad Fur Day, you know the part with the big mighty poo. It was sweet I flushed the sh*t outta him litteraly!

 

A giant talking bear was extremely offended and angry.

 

Bear: Oy! You stupid clerk! Work already!

 

Jake: Sorry Bryan some a-hole is here is getting pissed I'll call you back!

 

Bear: FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Jake: Hey aren't you the guy on the cover of those honey bottles?

 

Bear: Tw*t! Shut your mouth and pay for my movies!

 

Jake: Aw, the price tags on these three are broken.

 

Jake got a hold of his microphone.

 

Jake: Let me call out to the employees. (On speaker) "Yeah Price tag on: Huge Black Co*ks, Huge Black Co*cks 2: Down your throat, and Huge Black Co*ks III: KY"

 

Bear: I'm commin' back with me brother! You watch! Clerk!!!!!!

 

--A few moments later--

 

The same bear came back with a much larger bear and a frying pan.

 

The Bear pointed to Jake.

 

Bear: That's the guy!

 

Bear's Brother: Oy! Pretty boy! You'se about to loose some teeth!

 

Jake ran towards his back pack in the break room. He got a hold of his MP3 and began to play Neil Diamond's "Kentucky Woman". All of a sudden SuperPaul came crashing through the roof to protect Jake from the bears.

 

SuperPaul: Ta,Ta,Ta! Have no beers! The Super queer is here!

 

Jake: Thanks uncle Paul!

 

SuperPaul: Now I will use my blowing power.

 

He blew the bears through the window and into the street. He made a tornado and broke their jaws.

 

SuperPaul: Remember kids, Bearz aren't sexxxy!

 

Episode Two coming soon!!!

[Struff Bunstridge]

So.....yeah, this was what I was afraid of.

 

In my mind's eye, I could see what was happening, and once or twice I did smile a little, but I'm afraid that was more due to my powers of imagination than your script.

 

I'm afraid it isn't very good, mate, sorry. It lacks, well, comedy.

[mark-2007]

Sorry, but that was cringeworthy. I love comedy, and jokes work when being read too, but I'm not sure a sitcom-sorta thing like this will work. Especially when it's not funny to start with.

 

 

you know the part with the big mighty poo. It was sweet I flushed the sh*t outta him litteraly!

Seriously? A poo joke?

 

It was all kinda immature, pre-teen humour.

[Oxidizer]

Boy, I was in hysterics!

 

... I think.

[Carbine23]

I didn't laugh

[codedhero305]

ok then sorry for wasting you guys's time. I don't have anything else to put on these FORUMS.C

[Carbine23]

ok then sorry for wasting you guys's time. I don't have anything else to put on these FORUMS.C

If you can't post anything on these forums, then don't post anything. Simple as that!

[Wanted Assailant]

Badly enough it's a script. Barely any effort or strong thoughts of input.

 

It's easy to do crude, "kiddy" humor. Doing it as a script is just..

[Struff Bunstridge]

Do you think any writer ever became successful, critically or commercially, by stopping when he or she received the first truckload of criticism?

 

Seriously, don't just give up because a bunch of dudes on an internet forum didn't like what you posted. Study and improve, mate. You had some good ideas - I already said I laughed at the gay superhero summoned by Neil Diamond, and the price check gag was, while not original, still quite funny - so build on them.

 

First of all, I'd suggest, as I do with everyone, spellchecking your work. You'd be surprised how poor grammar and spelling turn people off before they even start reading.

 

Second, lose the poo gags. I'm 24, I don't want to read about poo.

 

Third, spend more time on the jokes. Did they honestly make you laugh? If not, why would you think anyone else'd find them funny? Write a script that makes you laugh, take time on it, and come back and hit us with it. Good luck.