John- Posted August 10, 2008 Share Posted August 10, 2008 (edited) Please add a post and account deletion procedure! http://www.accountkiller.com/removal-requested You, as a webmaster or administrator, may have arrived here through an account information page on the site you're coming from. It seems the user tried to delete his/her account, however found this to be impossible. Therefore the user scrambled his/her personal data and referred to this page, requesting the site to create an account deletion option, preferably by completely deleting all personal data from the database. More and more people are concerned about online privacy. Therefore we encourage online services to create an account deletion option, hopefully transparent and easily executed by the user. By anonimising personal data, retained data is rendered inadequate for (commercial) use. As more people use such measures, the urge for deletion options becomes stronger. Besides, your site may be labelled white instead of black in the listings of AccountKiller. This provides more trust to users even considering the creation of an account at your site. For further reference, also read the FAQ on AccountKiller. Edited December 29, 2013 by Lance_Ryder Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TomVDC Posted August 11, 2008 Share Posted August 11, 2008 Nice, only I saw a mistake (atleast i think it is ). You had He soon feel asleep, trying ignoring the pain. Although his mind was still alive and vivid. And I think it should be: He soon fell asleep, tryig to ignore the pain. Although his mind was still alive and vivid. grtz Tom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John- Posted August 11, 2008 Author Share Posted August 11, 2008 (edited) Please add a post and account deletion procedure! http://www.accountkiller.com/removal-requested You, as a webmaster or administrator, may have arrived here through an account information page on the site you're coming from. It seems the user tried to delete his/her account, however found this to be impossible. Therefore the user scrambled his/her personal data and referred to this page, requesting the site to create an account deletion option, preferably by completely deleting all personal data from the database. More and more people are concerned about online privacy. Therefore we encourage online services to create an account deletion option, hopefully transparent and easily executed by the user. By anonimising personal data, retained data is rendered inadequate for (commercial) use. As more people use such measures, the urge for deletion options becomes stronger. Besides, your site may be labelled white instead of black in the listings of AccountKiller. This provides more trust to users even considering the creation of an account at your site. For further reference, also read the FAQ on AccountKiller. Edited December 29, 2013 by Lance_Ryder Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John- Posted August 12, 2008 Author Share Posted August 12, 2008 (edited) Please add a post and account deletion procedure! http://www.accountkiller.com/removal-requested You, as a webmaster or administrator, may have arrived here through an account information page on the site you're coming from. It seems the user tried to delete his/her account, however found this to be impossible. Therefore the user scrambled his/her personal data and referred to this page, requesting the site to create an account deletion option, preferably by completely deleting all personal data from the database. More and more people are concerned about online privacy. Therefore we encourage online services to create an account deletion option, hopefully transparent and easily executed by the user. By anonimising personal data, retained data is rendered inadequate for (commercial) use. As more people use such measures, the urge for deletion options becomes stronger. Besides, your site may be labelled white instead of black in the listings of AccountKiller. This provides more trust to users even considering the creation of an account at your site. For further reference, also read the FAQ on AccountKiller. Edited December 29, 2013 by Lance_Ryder Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TomVDC Posted August 12, 2008 Share Posted August 12, 2008 Again one little mistake. You had: His long, white pants were also torn with holes While it should be: His long, white pants was also torn with holes. Very nice, wondering what happens next. grtz Tom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhoda Posted August 12, 2008 Share Posted August 12, 2008 Uh, actually, "his long, white pants were torn with holes" is right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chickstick Posted August 12, 2008 Share Posted August 12, 2008 You had: His long, white pants were also torn with holes While it should be: His long, white pants was also torn with holes. "Pants" is a plural, hence we use "are". If you're going to take the piss out of somebody at least make sure you're right in the first place. EDIT: Damn you, Masterkraft! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TomVDC Posted August 12, 2008 Share Posted August 12, 2008 Euhm Chickstick, I wanted to just point out something that I think was wrong. I was just trying to help the guy and if you don't like that, that's your problem. grtz Tom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chickstick Posted August 12, 2008 Share Posted August 12, 2008 Again one little mistake. Look! You've made a mistake! Hahaha! I have no problem with you helping him out, and in fact encourage it, but adding the "lol" smilie onto the end of the sentence gave the impression you were taking the piss. If not, I apologise. But next time make sure your corrections are right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Struff Bunstridge Posted August 12, 2008 Share Posted August 12, 2008 Euhm Chickstick, I wanted to just point out something that I think was wrong.I was just trying to help the guy and if you don't like that, that's your problem. grtz Tom The fact remains that your correction was, in turn, incorrect. And Chickstick is absolutely right; there's no need to post smilies that laugh at people while you point out any mistakes they may (or in this case, may not) have made. It's just rude. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eminence Posted August 12, 2008 Share Posted August 12, 2008 There was a decent start, but then all of the flow of the first paragraph disappeared as everything being described seemed to merge into one long, unstructured sentence. Firstly: Both of his hands were tightly wrapped around his desert eagle, he fired away at his former partner; Tommy Vercetti. I would've switched the semi-colon and the comma around in this instance, splitting up the two main segments of the sentence and allowing the introduction of the character to simply be associated with the 'former partner' segment. However, Who was standing out in the open in front of the entrance for the roof, shooting away at Lance Vance with his micro uzi while Vance took cover behind the barrels, then raised his head and fired away at Tommy who ran back and forth in front of the doorway to dodge the bullets. You mustn't start a sentence with 'who' in this manner; it should follow on from the previous sentence, reading more like "Tommy Vercetti, who was..." The rest of the paragraph is then one sentence, and so I'd advise splitting it up further: it requires more punctuation in order to flow better. As it is, the whole last part of the sentence just makes the reader lost; too much happens without being split up at all. Furthermore, you've used the word 'away' twice in short succession in order to describe the action the two characters were undertaking; 'fired away', 'shooting away'. It's okay once, but after that it's just too repetitive; it's pretty vague as description in the first place, so by using it twice it's really skimming over any real detail. Click Click Click Unless you're writing a comic, then I'd stay away from using onomatopoeia like this; it just sounds cheesy, out-of-place and amateurish. Lance's pulse quickened, it was what he had feared - he was out of ammo, aiming at Tommy with an empty gun, Tommy smirked sinisterly at the foolish traitor that was kneeling behind the iron barrels. Again, all one sentence, with poor structure. Splitting it into two sentences as marked would suffice. "Sh*t, no way!" Lance yelled. Again, almost comical. How would Lance have time to say this when there's a bullet heading towards him; it's not logical. Okay, he then dodges out the way; but he wouldn't stop to say a movie-esque catchphrase before making his move - he'd just dodge. Lance just curled up behind the barrels, his back facing the barrels Repetition. but it was still wearable. But they were still wearable. He then limped forward on his right leg towards the red hallway that led down into the mansion. He leaned up against the right wall and grunted as he moved himself forward with his left foot, while holding onto the wall with his right arm. He continued limping until he reached the end of the hallway to see the red stairwell, but he suddenly heard footsteps walking up the stairs. He quickly jerked back against the wall as the footsteps got closer to the corner. Every sentence begins with 'he' - dictating the narrative to the reader - it's just saying 'he did this, he did that'. It's boring and repetitive, so watch out for it and try to avoid doing this. Lance clenched his fist and got ready, the figure was then visible as Lance locked eyes with him for a split second, it was one of the Vercetti Gangsters, dressed in a blue Hawaiian t-shirt and long, light colored pants. Again, this is a couple sentences grouped together with too many commas; better punctuated sentences would lead to a more enjoyable and flowing narrative. This is a main and constant problem throughout the piece; try to work on it. Lance crouched down to the man and removed the blue Hawaiian shirt from the man, then pulled off his light-blue pants and swapped clothing. Lance was happy with the change, the clothing was suitable and his legs could move better in the stretchable pants. Once again, two instances of repetition. "Yeah, now that Sonny's outta the way, the Vercetti gang is going to establish dominance across Vice City." one of the men said. Slight error in punctuation; the dialogue should close with a comma, not a period. Lance viciously charged around the corner as the two men reached the top of the steps, he balanced himself on his good leg and lifted his limp one up and drove his foot into the chest of one of the guards, the guard then stumbled backwards and rolled down the steps, breaking his neck in the process as he rolled down into the next hallway, at the bottom of the stairs. Again, just pointing out another example of a lack of punctuation; notice all of the commas. Overall, you're proceeding with the story, but some better work on punctuation would allow better flow and an overall better piece to take shape. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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