Gabriel Constantin Posted August 8, 2008 Share Posted August 8, 2008 I thoroughly enjoyed the last two chapters. It's nice to see you developing the stories and characters as you progress with the story. I also enjoyed the inclusion of Dek's dreams/visions, adds a little extra to an otherwise mandatory zombie plot. There's a few errors here and there, but must are miniscule at best. Some things you need to work on include word repetition: I slowly gained up my strength and walked to my room when I saw a scary sight, A little girl covered in blood screaming at a bloody stump of bone and blood where her hand should of been... Try using different words everytime you describe the same object. If you're stuck for ideas, just use your Thesaurus. If you don't own one, however, just use Thesaurus.com. It's just as good as the real thing. Don't forget what I said about starting new paragraphs. You need to start a new paragraph when a new person starts talking within dialogue: I pulled myself up with my regained strength and remembered the distress signal from the radio and i then yelled for Martinez, after a few minutes he walked in wearing his full uniform." Dek your awake and you look better" he said happily, "Martinez i--i heard a distress call from the radio! they were said to be at a VCPD west from here!" I said with hope in my eyes. Martinez looked at me funnily before speaking, "Dek...Frenchie checked the radio signal radius for 50 miles out on every channel and we got nothing...how could this be?" he asked. Becomes... I pulled myself up with my regained strength and remembered the distress signal from the radio and i then yelled for Martinez, after a few minutes he walked in wearing his full uniform. "Dek your awake and you look better" he said happily. "Martinez i--i heard a distress call from the radio! they were said to be at a VCPD west from here!" I said with hope in my eyes. Martinez looked at me funnily before speaking, "Dek...Frenchie checked the radio signal radius for 50 miles out on every channel and we got nothing...how could this be?" he asked. When changing location: I slowly gained up my strength and walked to my room when I saw a scary sight, A little girl covered in blood screaming at a bloody stump of bone and blood where her hand should of been, My head immediately felt like it has been hit with a baseball bat and I fell to the floor. Martinez ran up to me and supported me up, "Dek you still seem to be shaken up from that attack" he explained. I nodded and stared at where the girl should of been but instead it was just as it was before..."2 days Dek then we'll check it out" Martinez said before running off to help somebody, My head ached and I ran back to my room and reran the visions through my head while reloading all of my weapons...was is going insane? Were those dark figures right? Could I stop this invasion?. Becomes... I slowly gained up my strength and walked to my room when I saw a scary sight, A little girl covered in blood screaming at a bloody stump of bone and blood where her hand should of been, My head immediately felt like it has been hit with a baseball bat and I fell to the floor. Martinez ran up to me and supported me up, "Dek you still seem to be shaken up from that attack" he explained. I nodded and stared at where the girl should of been but instead it was just as it was before..."2 days Dek then we'll check it out" Martinez said before running off to help somebody. My head ached and I ran back to my room and reran the visions through my head while reloading all of my weapons...was is going insane? Were those dark figures right? Could I stop this invasion?. You're still missing out the odd one or two capital letters, thought we can all miss those now and again. You're catching more of them out though. The only other thing I can say though, is to try and make your sentences more complex. Including more description, adjective, similes, metaphors etc. Though this will all come with time and experience. Keep up the story. You're getting better! And I'm really enjoying your progress so far. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggy455 Posted August 9, 2008 Author Share Posted August 9, 2008 I can't understand how to make my sentences more complex could you help me with that? "I might have laughed if I'd have remembered how." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gabriel Constantin Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 I can't understand how to make my sentences more complex could you help me with that? Of course. Usually the best way is just to include more description in your sentences. Example: He walked into the room and sat down on the chair. Add a few adjectives and it becomes: He walked into the crowded room and sat down on the rickety old chair. See how adding a few extra words creates a stronger image in our mind? I'd also suggest describing every small action or piece of detail: Adjusting the cuffs on his shirt he walked into the crowded room and sat down on the rickety old chair which creaked under his weight. Then add feelings, sensations and the like to the mix: Adjusting the cuffs on his shirt he walked into the crowded room, he could smell the stagnant stench of cold fish on the air and sat down on the rickety old chair which creaked under his weight, he was nervous about why he'd been summoned here. See? We've gone from: He walked into the room and sat down on the chair. To... Adjusting the cuffs on his shirt he walked into the crowded room, he could smell the stagnant stench of cold fish on the air and sat down on the rickety old chair which creaked under his weight, he was nervous about why he'd been summoned here. Of course not every sentence needs to be that complicated. But if you take a little more time to think about each sentence and figure out whether or not to include these sort of "sentence building blocks" then your story will benefit greatly from it. I hope that helped. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
darkonce Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 INTERASTING KEEP IT UP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggy455 Posted August 9, 2008 Author Share Posted August 9, 2008 Why are loads of people who have been busted posting on here? "I might have laughed if I'd have remembered how." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Agent snake fisher 47 Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 (edited) Why are loads of people who have been busted posting on here? Same person pbm rooshandark8. Edited August 9, 2008 by Agent snake fisher 47 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggy455 Posted August 9, 2008 Author Share Posted August 9, 2008 Why are loads of people who have been busted posting on here? Same person pbm rooshandark8. Its you! What are you jealous or something? Maybe you should start writing for real instead of robbing other people's ideas "I might have laughed if I'd have remembered how." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mr.awesome Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 Its you! What are you jealous or something? Maybe you should start writing for real instead of robbing other people's ideas gta zombie city was my idea and i am not jealous or robbing any one idea but nice story keep it up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggy455 Posted August 9, 2008 Author Share Posted August 9, 2008 Its you! What are you jealous or something? Maybe you should start writing for real instead of robbing other people's ideas gta zombie city was my idea and i am not jealous or robbing any one idea but nice story keep it up What the hell? Rooshandark did that! do you have like 5 accounts? Zombie city has been locked i think because it was proved to be copied... "I might have laughed if I'd have remembered how." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carbine23 Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 Ziggy, as much annoying as Rooshandark's are, please stop fighting with him or you will most likely get a ban too. Just give it up, stick to your thoughts, and keep writing the story. Don't let him get to you. Just report him if he talks sh*t again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggy455 Posted August 9, 2008 Author Share Posted August 9, 2008 (edited) Chapter 5 Inevitability I was in that small dark enclosed space with the ever familiar scent of blood in my nose and the same taste of it as before, In front of me there stood the lead hooded figure without it's 2 other familiar ones. I stared at him before his faceless dark hooded body breathed deeply. "Mr. Edgar..." it said with its shrill deep voice. In the past 2 days I had many rebound nightmares due to the pills that crazy doctor gave me and my stress but I’d learnt how to become unafraid of my dreams. The hooded figure stood into he small light circle which surrounded me before he breathed deeply again. "Welcome back...as you can see I needed to see you again for our...mutual gain..." He said slowly. I stared at him. "How? How do I know that what you say is true?" I asked with anger. The figure lifted out one of his hands clasped; It was a large claw-like shape and it was completely black as if it's body had been outlined and filled in with a black marker, It slowly opened it and a piece of paper dropped to the floor. I walked up to it freely without the invisible force stopping me; bent down, grabbed it and stared at it and after a few seconds I remembered what it really was. It was a Polaroid picture of my foster family...before the outbreak. I heard the screams in the distance and the smell of burning flesh and the yelling.I felt a huge wind brush up against me as i snapped back into the conversation. "You can have peace with your family" it coaxed cruelly. “I…I don’t believe you! You—you LIAR!” I screamed at him in hate. "Believe me or not Mr. Edgar...We want you to defeat them...regardless of your belief..." it said. I stared at the figure as it laughed loudly and as it continued he started to echo and fade away as I went into total darkness and back into the safety of consciousness in my own room. My small alarm clock beeped loudly in my ears as my vision and sound returned, I sat up from my bed and checked my small Candy Suxx calendar on the wall next to my bed. Today was the day I was to recon with Martinez and Mark to VCPD to check the distress call, "Finally..." I said to myself while marking of the day with a red cross. I heard a knock on my door and expected to see Martinez beckoning me to get ready for the recon but instead Chrissie stood in my doorway staring at me. Her bright blue eyes inspecting me up and down my body. "Dek?" she said quietly with sadness in her eyes. "What?" I replied loudly. Although Chrissie was 24 and I was 25 she actually spoke like an adult to me for once with seriousness. "I heard that you’re going far into the city to recon something?" she asked as she sat down next to me. She stared at me for a few seconds and we locked eyes before we stared away and continued speaking, "Just please don't die" she said as she hugged me. I hugged her back after a few seconds, eventually she stopped and she ran off. I could have sworn she was crying... Just as she ran out of my room Martinez walked in and looked back at her before staring back at me. "What was that about" Martinez asked. "She’s obviously nuts about me" I joked. Martinez gave a small laugh and then began speaking to me again. "Come on outside to the entrance gate I have a crew ready to head to recon with us" he explained as we both walked outside into the blazing sunshine. We headed outside where a group of civilians were watching us walk over to a small line of people wearing armor and guns. Martinez walked up to them and I followed. We both stood opposite the 3 people, they all looked scared and we could tell they were regular people. I Noticed mark was one of them and he wore his full SWAT armor and was holding a revolver. One of them was pale and shaking, and one was a large man, The pale man was sweating badly and we could tell there was something wrong. Martinez walked up to him and inspected him. "Are you ok" asked Martinez with a worried look on my way. "I'm f—fine sir...lets get sta--started" stuttered the pale man. Martinez nodded and walked back next to me, we both knew something was wrong with him but it was too late to get somebody else for the trip. "Right people, Now you all know how dangerous it is out there now because of the infection and I want you all to know...some of us might not make it back...So We'll take the Chopper there for safety reasons" he explained. The crew nodded and said there goodbyes to their loved ones before we all headed to the chopper on the studio roof. Martinez ordered everybody on and as they all moved in, me and Martinez started talking. "So you think that the radio signal is real?" Martinez asked quickly with curiousity. "I don't know but I have a feeling it's gonna help us...somehow" i sighed as we got in the chopper. Martinez started the chopper up and it hovered in the air for a few moments before it thrusted forward towards our destination. "Hold on guys we'll be near the station ASAP" yelled Martinez over the radio intercom. I looked down at the ever growing dots on the ground through all the dormant streets of vice city, they looked so small and yet they could cause so much pain. I stared in awe as I saw the destroyed buildings and smoke billowing from huge skyscrapers. "Hey captain, so whats so important about this Distress call?" asked one of the team loudly. Martinez looked down from his side and up above before answering the person. "We have reason to believe that these people who contacted all the radios have information on the outbreak, That’s why we started this recon so soon...just hold tight and we'll be there soon" he explained loudly. I snapped out of my daydream when Martinez had stopped talking and by now we had just passed starfish island and the chopper swayed swiftly which caused mark to drop his gun, Everyone reached down to grab for it which caused Martinez to lose his focus. The chopper swayed and the 3 in the back were yelling to grab the gun, Martinez struggled to gain control of the chopper as the 3 moved around uncontrollably. "STAY THE f*ck CALM!" Martinez yelled. "Just sit down and grab the gun on the way off the chopper, you’re f*ckin' puttin' him off!" I yelled at them trying to steady myself. Eventually the chopper was controlled again and we was on our way to the station, That was until something inevitable happened.The pale man from earlier was coughing uncontrollably and blood was dripping from his mouth. Mark moved away from him aswell as the other man. Martinez kept his focus on flying as mark began to yell. "Sh*t HE'S INFECTED!" he yelled while quickly moving away. "f*ck! SHOOT HIM" ordered Martinez as he stared straight forward flying past a huge building with fire billowing from its side. I reached for my gun but i couldn’t aim for him. He was behind a metal guard behind my chair. After a few more seconds the pale man fainted and mark and the other guy stared at him, He picked up his gun from the floor below him and slowly aimed at the now dead man. Mark sighed as he cocked it to the pale man's head, But just as he was about to fired the now zombified man opened his eyes, moaned quickly and pounced onto him. Mark screamed as the man's teeth bit down into his neck, the chopper was now swaying like before but now even Martinez couldn't control it. "sh*t Dek help them!" yelled Martinez with anger in his voice. I undid my seatbelt and pulled out my colt, I turned around from the guard and pulled the trigger of my gun aimed at the zombie but the bullet bounced of the chopper’s metallic backboard and it pierced a window. Air was sucking through its side, Everybody was yelling and blood was spraying everywhere from Mark's gaping wound. I Fired a few more shots which hit the zombie but only slowed it down, Mark was bleeding badly now and we could all see that he was circling the drain. The only guy who was fully alive in the back was the large one screaming of fear as blood sprayed all over his face. Martinez yelled just as the zombie had finally bitten mark's main artery and by now the chopper was spinning out of control and I could hear its warning alarm. "We're goin' down!" yelled Martinez. I turned around and grabbed onto a strap of netting as I saw the frontal view of what was happening, Martinez was trying to control the chopper which was now quickly falling to the ground, Blood was spraying everywhere from the now dead mark and the other guy was now being attacked by the zombie. I shot the zombie from behind its head and jumped into a back chair and strapped myself in. I could smell blood and feel the wind pulling me as I was strapped in the chair, The zombie and everybody else’s blood was spraying everywhere,I could taste it and Martinez was yelling wildly. “sh*t SHIIIIIT! HOLD ON DEK” he yelled at me before the chopper crashed down onto the roof of a donut shop… chapter 6 coming soon...If you Feel like i am making any mistakes don't be afraid to offer pointers Edited August 10, 2008 by Ziggy455 "I might have laughed if I'd have remembered how." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gabriel Constantin Posted August 10, 2008 Share Posted August 10, 2008 As per usual, I'm very pleased with your progress. Again you're making a few mistakes, mainly capitalization and repetition of words. For example; you use the word "and" a lot. I know it's a very useful word, but try not to use it as commonly as you are right now. It makes your work seem repetitive and boring in places. Trying changing the sentences to avoid having to use "and" over and over again. Air was sucking through its side and everybody was yelling and blood was spraying everywhere from mark. Can simply become: Air was sucking through its side, everybody was yelling and blood was spraying everywhere from Mark. See how simply using a comma can make the sentence flow a lot easier. I also highlighted the lack of a capital letter at the beginning of Mark because you seem to do it a lot, especially with his name. Make sure to proof-read your work and capitalize all nouns. Also the phrase "...blood was spraying everywhere from Mark" seems wrong to me. I don't know why, it might just be me. But personally I'd use "...Mark's blood was spraying everywhere." That's just me though. Good job, and I cannot wait for Chapter Six. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggy455 Posted August 10, 2008 Author Share Posted August 10, 2008 Capitalise every noun? like Run and Shoot? thanks for the pointers you're helping me out alot! "I might have laughed if I'd have remembered how." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gta phil gta Posted August 10, 2008 Share Posted August 10, 2008 No, he means all proper nouns; names of people, places etc. Standard nouns are fine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggy455 Posted August 10, 2008 Author Share Posted August 10, 2008 No, he means all proper nouns; names of people, places etc. Standard nouns are fine. Oh okay "I might have laughed if I'd have remembered how." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggy455 Posted August 11, 2008 Author Share Posted August 11, 2008 (edited) Hey guys i have a bit of bad news and no it's not that im quitting the story I'm going camping for a few days so my Chapter 6 should be going up in a few days, I'm sorry for the delay guys ;( Oh and By the way chapter 6 will have a familiar character in it Edited August 16, 2008 by Ziggy455 "I might have laughed if I'd have remembered how." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
metal gear man Posted August 11, 2008 Share Posted August 11, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gabriel Constantin Posted August 11, 2008 Share Posted August 11, 2008 @gta phil: My bad. Yes Ziggy, I meant proper nouns. That means names of people, places, objects ect. @Ziggy: No problem my friend, can't wait to read the next chapter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggy455 Posted August 14, 2008 Author Share Posted August 14, 2008 I'm back guys! Jeez that camping was harsh but at least i'm back and chapter 6 will be up later today "I might have laughed if I'd have remembered how." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggy455 Posted August 16, 2008 Author Share Posted August 16, 2008 (edited) Chapter 6 Infiltrators And Fear Darkness surrounded me... Unlike my regular dreams with the hooded figures and scent of blood i felt nor smelt nothing, I was in a state of eternal darkness and when i tried to move i noticed i had no body! "WAKE UP" yelled that familiar deep voice from the hooded figure. I immediately woke up as if someone in my mind had switched on a light; I stared up at the ceiling for a few seconds before getting up. I looked around and noticed I was in the Interrogation room in the VCPD station; I could smell rotting food and could hear yells and noises outside. After a few more seconds my memories came flushing back: Martinez, The chopper crashing down and the infected men. I thought hard for a few minutes before trying to stand up but that only resulted in me falling to the floor as i looked at my bandaged leg. sh*t only god knows how i survived that crash without any maximum damage. I pulled myself up with my remaining strength and put my head in my hands as it ached painfully, I looked around and noticed a small container on a table near me. And after a few seconds I grabbed them and looked at the label printed on it, the big bold letters: ASPIRIN were printed on the side, I popped a few and the pain in my head subsided. I sat down again trying to rerun what happened in the chopper. Eventually I caught on to the noises outside the room and began walking to the door before somebody walked in, He was a bit shorter than me and was wearing a white lab coat which had faded color over time, He was a bit younger than me, His eyes were dark and full of fear. “Oh you’re awake! Yes! ” He said excitedly as He stared at me with a huge smile on his face for a few seconds before I began speaking. “How did I…survive?” I asked slowly as if I was dumb. “My friend Phil saw the helicopter crash down and he went to look for survivors…all he found was you” he said with proudness in his voice. I immediately lit up when he finished speaking; He caught on and raised both his eyebrows in surprise. “Did yo- I mean did Phil find a SWAT member at the crash site aswell?” I asked with hope. His eyes lowered and I knew what he was going to say. “No…He said he saw someone climb out of the cockpit but he just ran off but that’s not important! I need your help” he said staring back up at me with hope. I sat back down and remembered the exact moment we crashed down, I started to daydream and the scientist kept his eyes on me, He nudged my shoulder to get my attention before I snapped out of my trance and i looked up at him. “W...what?” I said stupidly. “take me somewhere safe! please i wan't to get out of here” he said quickly. “No forget it I’m here for information…not to save your scared ass” I said cruelly before I stood up and stared at him before walking out of the room, I didn’t even look back I just kept on walking and after a few seconds I came to the main offices. Inside it was dark and a few office lamps’s lowly lit up the large room. 2 girls and a guy were sitting around a table, I walked up to them and immediately they acknowledged me. The 2 girls were twins and the man had an arm missing. He was wearing a black vest and cargo shorts and he had numerous bullet straps on him. “Well looky here your ass is alive then I guess” he said. The 2 twins looked at me up and down but I ignored them and started interrogating him. “Who are you?” I asked quickly with a sternful tone. “Son I’m THE Phil Cassidy and because of my skill your ass is alive” he said proudly. “Yeah…thanks…So can you tell me what happened when the chopper came down” I asked plainly. He moved his face closer to the light and began speaking again. “ok son whatever you want...I was sniping some dumbass zombies out on the roof when I saw it pull up and crash down into that f*ckin’ donut shop" His voice yelled with proudness. "I jumped down a ladder and ran across the street to check the remains, The tail was f*cked and the cockpit was dented…A swat guy climbed out and ran off bleeding badly, I yelled at the prick but he ran off like a god damn fly! Then your damn leg was trapped under some of the tails rubble and I pulled you out and brought you here” he explained proudly. I nodded and stood up, my leg was burning again and my eyes felt heavy. When I caught on the guy from earlier was behind me, He looked angry and as I turned around he started speaking. “Look…I don’t take kindly to being ignored, especially by pricks like you” he said as he pushed my shoulder. “Don’t touch me you f*ckin’ stiff” I replied hatefully with anger in my eyes. Phil got up and stood between us as we stared at each other. “Phil who sent that distress signal?” I asked staring at the scientist as he stared at me back. “That would be him” he replied turning around and pointing to the scientist. “So then what the hell is your name?” I asked “my name is Tuggs and I sent it for a reason” he said with a sternful tone. Phil stood by my side before he began speaking to Tuggs himself. “Tugs i told you to stop sending signals! we f*ckin' get unwanted attention you f*ckin scared pussy” he said angrily. “Do you have the information on the outbreak?” I asked quickly. “No...b-but i just needed outside help to get out of here!" he said with fear in his voice. “You son of a bitch” I said before I punched him in the face, He hot the floor and Phil grabbed my shoulder as I lurched forward, Tuggs stared up at me and wiped the blood dripping from his mouth. “HOW COULD YOU DO THAT!?”I yelled at him in anger. He slowly got up and sat down on an old chair. “I don’t want to die…I needed somebody to help us” he said quickly. I looked at him in anger Before a bright light flashed and i was sitting in the chopper watching the large man get eaten and the chopper crashing down. Instead of darkness i was watching the crash from a distant angle like a ghost. A few seconds later it faded back out and i was sitting down holding my head which hurt like hell. I stood back up and stared down at the now shaking man. “Because of you a person died and I have another one missing!” I said with hate in my voice. I didn’t know what to do at that point; I couldn’t leave because The base was a few miles down the other end of Vice City and I’d be eaten before I got outta the street and I couldn’t stay because this place was losing power and it was full of rubbish. My head was spinning and I needed time to think, The 2 twins had already stood next to me after I had hit Tuggs when they began speaking. “Like oh my god you punched my boyfriend!” she said with a dumb tone. “f*ck THIS” I yelled as I ran off back to the interrogation room… I ran back into the room and slammed the door, I sat down on the makeshift bed and looked up at the damp ceiling.It was all a trick...The distress signal was just a pussy's ticket out of here and because of him i had no way of getting back to the base... Phil slowly walked in and sat down on a tatty old chair, I didn't look at him instead i just looked down at the floor with my head in my hands. "Son i can't believe Tuggs did that, But he has a reason" he said quietly. "How...the f*ck...does that have a reason" i asked angrily. "Follow me" he said as he stood up and pulled out his revolver. I stared at his movements before getting up and following him, We walked outside into the dark hallway which stunk of piss and eventually after a few seconds of darkness phil unsheathed a torch. "c'mon son" he said quietly. We walked up a flight of stairs and after we reached the top Phil kicked open the door, We both walked out and after a few seconds i noticed we were on the roof. In the corner of the roof there was a small shad with a few camera screens and ammo crates which we walked up to, Phil pushed in a tape and a video recording of The docks was playing. "Watch this" he chuckled. i stared at the screen as the video began playing, 2 people were standing at the docks in the boat hangar talking when suddenly a zombie appeared behind one of them! But instead of it eating them it just shambled past it.In the top left corner a few flashes were viewable and suddenly a young girl fell through the side. The 2 people immediately ran up to her and began eating her, The video skipped a few hours and the 2 were standing together again but this time, They were eating a arm!. the video faded out and i stared at phil in disbelief. "Cannibals!?" i yelled angrily. "Nope...They are smart zombies" he said smartfully. "W-what?"i asked breathlessly. "They're zombies in a human mind...they think like us, They act like us, THEY ARE US BOY!" he said loudly. "They can talk?" i asked in disbelief. Phil pulled out a recorder from a pocket in his cargo shorts and press the play button. "I'm starving" a girl said. "Me too Luckily theres meat somewhere near that film studio" a boy replied. i stared at phil in despair as the recording still played,The wind was brushing against us and that sent even a bigger chill down my spine than the recording. "I sure hope master can find us more food" added the girl. "FOOD!" screamed the boy as phil pressed the stop button. Phil grinned as i looked at the recorder in fear and awe, I was astounded by what i had heard and now what if they were inside the station with us!? "Kid now you know why tuggs has gone over the edge since he saw this" he said "I understand now" i said plainfully. Phil nodded and put the recorder back in his pocket... I smelt the rotting corpses below and cringed at the thought of the infiltrators.They could act like us and trick us into a trap with their superior skill,What if one had got into here? Or worse the studio!? "Do we have an escape route?"i asked with hope in my eyes. "Son i have had one for the past 8 weeks" he said grinning. After that we heard a scream from below and phil ran to the door, He kicked it open and aimed his now unholstered revolver.He walked down further and i could tell the power had been cut out.He stared back at me as i stood in the doorway curiusly. "Kid...Stay here and if i'm not back in 10 minutes take those ladders behind the shad and get in my jeep and drive back to where you came from" he said as he threw some keys at me. "f*ck no i want some answers here so if you ain't back in 10 minutes i'm coming down after you" i said angrily phil nodded and slowy walked down the stairs into darkness... i know there are a few mistakes but i'm tired guys and this is the start of the action... if you guyss fon't like it then PM me or message the thread because i'm thinking of re-editing a few things for this Edited January 8, 2009 by Ziggy455 "I might have laughed if I'd have remembered how." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Struff Bunstridge Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 This continues to shape up pretty well dude. If you know there are mistakes (which are there, quite a few actually), then don't post it right away; save it till the morning, run through it, then post; you'll feel better about what you've posted, and I won't have to come in and stomp all over your thread with my grammar boots. The twist with the zombies becoming sentient is pretty chilling. That's the one thing that scares me about zombie outbreaks; I reckon I could survive for quite a while due to superior intelligence, problem-solving ability and planning skills, all of which give me an advantage over the slow-witted undead. If they develop speech, communication and the ability to work as a team, we're all f*cked. I really like this mate, keep going. Don't rush it, though. Take your time, and make this story as good as it should be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggy455 Posted August 20, 2008 Author Share Posted August 20, 2008 Yeah that seems to be my main problem, Just: Grammar punctuation and capitalisation. I'm not bothered by your tips they help me alot so keep em comin regardless! "I might have laughed if I'd have remembered how." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggy455 Posted August 21, 2008 Author Share Posted August 21, 2008 (edited) i took your advice to write it and re-edit it the next day before i publish it, That is what i am going to do and it will be up soon. It will be longer than the last chapter edit: sorry man! i'll edit from now on, Thanks for the compliment...not many people have been posting here lately Edited August 21, 2008 by Ziggy455 "I might have laughed if I'd have remembered how." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gabriel Constantin Posted August 21, 2008 Share Posted August 21, 2008 Please don't double post Ziggy, you're a good member and I don't want to see you get banned. Just click the button and include your new post into that one! It makes life so much easier and spam free. I haven't read the latest chapter(s), but I'll make sure to catch up (hopefully before you post the newest one). You're really coming on as a writer. I like seeing your work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggy455 Posted August 25, 2008 Author Share Posted August 25, 2008 Chapter 7 Betrayal for A death It had been 5 minutes since Phil had disappeared below and I was waiting silently, Trying to make out the unreal images shaping in the darkness. But it was all in my mind anyway, I checked my unholstered gun's clip; it was full and loaded. I listened intently for any noises when I heard the loud moans from below and then the other type of moans: "FOOD!" shrieked a woman from below the station, I froze with fear at the sound of her voice. The Infiltrators had found us...somehow, I ran to the edge of the station and looked below as more and more zombies started heading towards the station. "sh*t" I said quietly to myself before i ran back over to the doorway, I couldn't see anything and the smell of rotting food had returned. "Phil!" I said in a loud whisper warily, No reply... I looked at my dirty watch and checked how many minutes he'd been gone, I already knew it was past the time I was meant to go and check him. I unsheathed my torch and flicked on the switched, I aimed it down the stairs and it shone on the floor luminously lighting up all the dirty rubbish over it. I slowly walked down the stairs; torch in one hand, Gun in the other and just as i had reached the bottom i heard louder yells from the oncoming infiltrators outside, They were eventually going to get in somehow and I didn't even know how they found us! I was near the interrogation room now and I could feel the cold in the air as i wiped away the sweat of fear on my face, I had my gun aimed high and I was frantically aiming everywhere in the dark hallway. "Phil...Where the f*ck are you!?" I whispered warily as I walked further down the hallway pushing the rubbish away with my feet. I walked forward a bit more I shined my torch on the door in front of me which was ajar i knew it was to the main offices and i could hear noises from through the open space and I slowly kicked it open while i aimed my gun forward. Inside Phil was sitting on a table tied up aswell as one of the twins, I noticed Tuggs was standing in front of a table faced away from the tied up people. I put my torch away and slowly walked near to Tuggs with my gun aimed at him. "Tuggs?" I asked warily. He jumped around surprised as i faced him and i noticed he was holding something in his hand, It was a hand! He was slowly munching away at it as i aimed my gun at his head. I slowly back away and as i did i noticed where he had gotten the hand from, The other twins mutilated body was slumped under a table with a few limbs missing. Blood was pouring all over the floor and the other twin was crying with a muffled voice. "Shut up you bitch" he said cruelly. "What the f*ck! You a...Infiltrator!?" i yelled loudly. "Ding ding ding ding ding ding good answer Dek...Too bad you showed up just in time for the party to begin" he said sarcastically. I stared at him with anger and fear as he slowly chomped on a finger, Phil was trying to say something but we couldn't make it out. "How did the others find out about this?" i said holding my gun tightly, He swallowed more bits of flesh and as the blood and spit dribbled from his mouth he began to speak again. "By me of course...i signaled a huge broadcast just like a pawned you here" he said with a menacing look, I aimed my gun back at his head before something snapped in my head. "That’s why you wanted to get back to the studio! To lure them there for a huge feast" I explained with a shocked look on my face, He smiled before and chuckled before it slowly turned into a louder laugh. "Yes congratulations you found out my plan" he said with a huge grin, I walked back while he laughed louder before He started to walk towards me, He had a more serious look on his face as he slowly advanced towards me. "Now you can't win...can't you see? We can run...we can fight. And we can look just...like...you" he said before running towards me, I fired 2 rounds into his head as he dropped to the floor. “Still you can’t f*ckin’ survive like us you prick” I said with a grin before I ran over to Phil. I untied his gag and hands before we began speaking. "sh*t you ok Phil?" I asked quickly. "Yeah c'mon kid lets go" He replied. "What about her" I asked pointing to the hysterical twin which was now convulsing. Phil ran up and started untying the girl frantically as the infiltrators burst through the door. I fired at the running stenches as they ran towards the girl and Phil. One grabbed his arm and bit it before he yelled, I fired a round into its head and grabbed phil. Phil left the girl as me and him both ran up the stairs "GET THEM! I'M STARVING" one yelled as me and Phil ran up to the roof, We both slammed the door shut and barred it with a huge steel bar. "f*ck son thanks for helping me back there but you gotta go" he said quickly. "f*ck that c'mon Phil were going" I replied as I grabbed his arm. "No imma stick here and take as many of those f*ckers out as i can" he said with a dignified tone, I stared at him with disbelief. "Look you want answers son? Head to Old Haitian factory..Theres an old zombies camp there with all the information you need..." He explained. I grabbed the keys out of my pocket and nodded before I ran towards the ladder leading to the back car park, Phil ran towards the shad and started typing before the Computers screen went red, He picked up an M16 and loaded it. I grabbed onto the ladders and started climbing down. I looked over the edge of the roof and watched as the zombies burst through; Phil fired the m16 towards them as they swarmed through. I couldn't bear to watch what was about to happen as just as i jumped into the jeep i saw the huge explosion rock the station, Body flew everywhere and A few infiltrators saw me and began chasing me as I sped off towards the Zombotech camp. 1 grabbed on and as they climbed closer I pulled out my gun and fired at 1 from a window, The bullets hit him as he dropped and rolled away into a street. I put my foot down and sped off down the street...I was going to get to that camp and find a way to kill them all... I turned into a street and slowly rode past all the rubble and destroyed cars, I could smell the rotting flesh and blood and as I drove a bit more I saw the hooded figure in the middle of the road, I swerved out of the way and smacked into a Havana slum house, The my head went forward and smacked the wheel with my head, I felt dizzy and I pulled myself out of the crashed jeep and grabbed onto the slum house’s roof as the jeep began to burn slowly…My surrounding spun faster and faster until My world was nothing but a blurry landscape…Then darkness caved into my mind and vision… Large chapter 8 coming soon "I might have laughed if I'd have remembered how." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
888darkundercovercop Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 you have improved really well keep it up . @rooshandark8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggy455 Posted August 30, 2008 Author Share Posted August 30, 2008 What? rooandshark? will you f*ck off "I might have laughed if I'd have remembered how." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lochie_old Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 Man, this guy should get a life. Anyway, your writing is really improving. Compare it to your first chapter and now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danni Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 You're one of the most persistent assholes ever, Roosh. Give it up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggy455 Posted September 15, 2008 Author Share Posted September 15, 2008 sorry for no chapters recently i'm a little busy but Chapter 8 should be up soon, I'm f*ckin stocked up on work "I might have laughed if I'd have remembered how." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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