Room Service

[Rhoda]

Well, it'll be several parts much like this one, but with a twist to it. I aim to make it one of the more interactive pieces on the forums, but I don't want to give too much away. Basically, it follows a group of four miners in the year 2059 who are sent to the moon to extract precious materials found in the crust. You'll see soon enough...

[Chickstick]

 

Basically, it follows a group of four miners in the year 2059 who are sent to the moon to extract precious materials found in the crust. You'll see soon enough...

I recall reading a story something like that in a collection of horror comics from the 50s. Turns out the moon is alive and eats the spacemen.

 

And I really hope that isn't the plot for your next story. Haha.

[Rhoda]

DAMN.

 

No, I'm kidding, you've given nothing away. I do hope I'll see you all there for my next yarn of tales though!

[Lochie_old]

I hope the sequel to Ghost is as good as this,

[Rhoda]

After taking into account advice from everyone in here, I hope to make this final chapter one of the best one yet, despite the change of pace. Here, the paragraph's are frequent and properly separated.

 

CHAPTER V

 

Eddie lay in the damp grass, the refreshing moisture gently kissing the pain in his face and neck. If it was up to him, he could have gladly lay there until daybreak when everything would seem less harsh, but current situations had dealt him a bad hand. Instead, Eddie grudgingly lifted himself to his feet and tore after the beast as fast as his muscles would allow. Fortunately for him, the rapist was also in a dire state, meaning with every rustle of foliage heard, a shrill chirp was never far behind. Eddie noticed the blood stains grow thicker and thicker, and laughed to himself at the thought of the horrendous monster dying, paying for the rape of every woman with each drop that fell out of it's aching wounds. Eddie was so deep in thought regarding the suffering of the culprit that he failed to notice a steep incline in the already soft ground ahead of him. Falling hard, Eddie coughed violently and saw a large opening where trees had refused to grow. Eddie simply lay there, pain overwhelming his every organ, praying for rain.

 

Silence had quickly engulfed the forest and replaced the frantic sounds of a dying monster. Struggling to keep his eyes open, Eddie inched along the damp grass surrounding the river bed towards a fallen tree that would provide him with warmth and safety until he figured out what his next move would be. It was only when Eddie was halfway to his destination that his eyes suddenly widened. Now more careful than ever not to make a noise, Eddie's lips tightened as he spied the beast by the river bed, cleansing his wounds and howling in pain as he gingerly dug in his own flesh for lead bullets. With every bloodcurdling scream, Eddie held his tongue and hauled his own body with all the might he could muster. The screams were frequent, and with every one of them, nocturnal birds fled in terror.

 

It took 10 full minutes for Eddie to travel 20 feet, and by that time Eddie felt like he had crossed the Amazon jungles. Wiping sweat and mud from his brow, Eddie's heart sunk low when he heard footsteps and his eyes widened even more than he thought was physically possible. The light and careful footsteps matched the identification of a beast or man that could rape several women in seconds, leaving them shocked and appalled. Eddie's brow furrowed as he realised just how long the rape against Ellen must have taken, almost like it savoured the taste of her fear and loneliness. At this point, Eddie could take no more and reached for the biggest lump of healthy wood he could find. Roaring just as loud as the beast had. Leaping to his feet with no regard for his body Eddie landed a powerful blow to the beast's head, who was seconds away from discovering the injured yet persistent security guard that had chased him for hours. Recoiling in pain and shock, the beast held his head with his long and blue hands as Eddie felt a surge of strength and determination. With every punch, the beast grow closer to the river bank, squealing like a batch of soon to be slaughtered livestock. By the end of Eddie's aggression, the beast seemed to want to flee rather than fight back, but caught the last punch all the same. Eddie swallowed hard as he caught sight of the horrific beast, which shone a serene shade of blue in the creeping moonlight. Struggling against the beast's strength, Eddie attempted to resist the attempt made by the beast to bring him face to to face but to no avail.

"Let go you alien f*cker!"

The alien seemed to ignore Eddie's comments as if it didn't understand English at all, but maintained to hold him level, eye to eye.

"I said let me the f*ck go! I should kill you where you stand, you don't even deserve to return to wherever you came from!"

No response was made, but instead the alien cast Eddie to the ground violently. Yelping with pain, Eddie clutched his leg and refused to take his eyes off the beast in front of him. The alien crouched in front of him, tracing a lone finger down Eddie's forehead and face.

"Wrong gender," the alien muttered quietly, "we have sufficient information on... man." The alien seemed to tilt his head inquisitively at the very mention of the word "man".

"You mean all that was to study us?" Eddie roared, inching closer and desperate to cause the alien pain. It was a long and arduous wait until he received a reply, almost as if the visitor was searching for his words.

"Of sorts."

Eddie panted heavily, expecting more.

"Our species have suffered from a complete gender extinction for too long. With the data I have extracted we shall no longer suffer as a race."

Eddie couldn't help but hate the beast, but he also felt sorry for the species he belonged to.

"You face extinction?"

"Yes," the alien again took time to reply as if each word was painful, "but now we shall suffer no longer. With the information I possess we can craft artificial life so our race can thrive."

Eddie was speechless, and not for the first time that eventful night. Hauling himself to his feet, Eddie remained silent for the entire time he maintained eye contact with the alien.

"Go. Leave us in peace and craft your race."

The alien again tilted his head in appreciation and curiosity before casting his gaze at the river.

"Your women are in no harm or danger any longer."

Before Eddie could argue back, the alien let out a terrific and horrifying cry. With a low rumble, the river began to tremble under the sheer force and noise echoing through-out the forest. Eddie looked on in amazement and fear as the water seemed to melt, revealing a monstrous, beautiful, silver craft. With the light dancing off the tears in Eddie's eyes, the alien gave him a long stare before heading to the ship behind him. Eddie used a nearby tree to support his weight which seemed to grow with every step the alien took. The craft seemed to stall under the very atmosphere of Earth as it rose slowly, narrowly avoiding low trees and shrubbery. The ship hummed quietly despite it's size and remained suspended while the water level of the river rose leaving no trace of the craft's existence. Eddie simply lowered his head in disappointment and empathy towards Ellen and the alien while the craft left in haste, eager to create the image of a perfect gender.

[Oblivionz]

Oh. Uh.

Wow, that really surprised me and totally changed the story the way I looked at it, and I suspected the thing wasn't human all along, but wow.

 

I loved it, though.

[Wanted Assailant]

Review:

 

Wow. I'm surprised. I too, had seen the story in a different perspective rather than this. One thing that I'll say is how Eddie hasn't had any of shocking emotion, seeing as he just physically and personally encountered an alien from the depths of space. It seems you felt that you needed to decide that the attacker was simply an alien, in order to cover up the plotholes about the supernatural abilities.

 

When you go back to the beginning and first chapter, you'd think the story was going to be straightforward, but when it's really revealed, it seems to hold a cup of an "abnormal" style. I think that's a compliment, I don't know.

 

I supect at this line,

 

 

"Go. Leave us in peace and craft your race."

The alie... again tilted his head in appreciation and curiosity before casting his gaze at the river.

"Your women are in no harm or danger any longer."

Before Eddie could argue back,

that the Alien had taken some sort of material along with the knowledgeable information, and wiped out all the womens on Earth, thus vice versa, Earth is now at extinction.

 

Because, when the Alien says "Your woman are in no harm or danger any longer," I think it meant they they would be no longer harmed because they are no longer there.

Woman will always be harmed and raped as long as they exist, so I'm guessing this the puzzle that is supposed to be cracked.

 

 

 

It's a great ending, and the twist, unexpectedly, twirls the whole masking of the story around. Creepy.

 

 

[Rhoda]

Interesting take, and actually more deep than I intended. From the line you quoted, I simply meant that the rapist had no business with the victims any longer, and that perhaps upon his departure the victims will feel no immediate pain or sustain any injuries from their "attacks".

 

EDIT: Oh, and I saw your comment about me seemingly including the fact he was an alien just to cover plot holes. I agree, I didn't do a very good job at expressing Eddie's shock at the fact he was meeting one. I could have indeed addressed it a bit better, so thanks for pointing that out.

Edited August 13, 2008 by Masterkraft

[Oblivionz]

So why did he rape the women to get information on them? Was his penis some sort of scanner?

[Rhoda]

So why did he rape the women to get information on them? Was his penis some sort of scanner?

I wrote it with the idea that he takes samples of the said women's insides, and presumably their sexually reproductive organs too. It's basically a rework of the ray gun scanner cliche, except the scanner's a penis.

[Oblivionz]

That sounds sort of believable, I guess. But I don't get why the alien race is facing extinction and why they're using humans to replicate it? Can't they just use other alien DNA to do it?

[Rhoda]

It's not elaborated why females have died; it could be a disease that affects the Y chromosome more than the X chromosome, or a defect which causes the female to die after giving birth. It's left to the imagination really.

[Oxidizer]

 

So why did he rape the women to get information on them? Was his penis some sort of scanner?

I wrote it with the idea that he takes samples of the said women's insides, and presumably their sexually reproductive organs too. It's basically a rework of the ray gun scanner cliche, except the scanner's a penis.

God, I love that.

 

Truly wicked story! I hadn't expected it to turn into an alien thing either, I just assumed it was some inbred person. Nice work. Very nice.

 

Now go write more!

 

[Oblivionz]

Ghost 2 first.

[Rhoda]

Ghost 2 first.

Uh, Ghost 1 ending first. I have a couple more things I want to write before that anyway, Ghost will finish when I feel the time is right.

[Oblivionz]

 

Ghost 2 first.

Uh, Ghost 1 ending first. I have a couple more things I want to write before that anyway, Ghost will finish when I feel the time is right.

Now I can't wait. Reading the ending.

Edit: Eh, I can't decide if I should or not.

[Eminence]

I can't help but agree with Wanted Assailant in that it seems like a twist introduced to simply cover up plot-holes. Disregarding that thought, though, it was an interesting and unexpected ending - far from what I would've guessed, anyway. It does give the entire piece a whole new perspective, and it becomes almost satirical in the way it points out how Eddie is so eager to react with violence, when really he knows nothing of the circumstances and in the end feels the rapes were even the 'right' thing to do.

 

Couple nitpickings:

 

 

At this point, Eddie could take no more and reached for the biggest lump of healthy wood he could find. Roaring just as loud as the beast had.

 

The error here is that 'roaring just as loud as the beast had' doesn't really make a good sentence; it'd be better to just merge the two with a comma.

 

 

With every punch, the beast grow closer to the river bank, squealing like a batch of soon to be slaughtered livestock.

 

Probably a typo; should be 'grew'.

 

On the whole, it was an interesting short piece. I can't help but feel half-amused by the ending, and half-letdown by it, too.

 

 

EDIT: Oh, and this...

 

 

The ship hummed quietly despite it's size and remained suspended

 

Lose the apostrophe; 'its'.

Edited August 13, 2008 by Eminence

[georgia.]

I like this a lot, the way you write has a certain style about it and I actually can't wait to read 'Ozone'.

There's no doubt at all that you are a very talented writer.

[mark-2007]

Good chapter. As you've mentioned since, Eddie's disbelief could have been portrayed better.

 

I thought the rapist was going to be Ghost! Good twist though.

[Oblivionz]

 

Good chapter. As you've mentioned since, Eddie's disbelief could have been portrayed better.

 

I thought the rapist was going to be Ghost!

Hahaha

That would be the best twist ever.

[Rhoda]

Oh man, what an alternate ending that would have been, eh? I think I'd have shocked myself!