Room Service

[Rhoda]

 

Room Service

 

CHAPTER I

 

"... and hurry."

Those were the words that left the woman's mouth as the receiver was lowered. Company in the Hallow Hall Lodge was rare, but in this instance, Ellen cared not. Her husband was unknowingly paying for her stay, as well as an extra "bed" for another guest in her room, though Ellen planned for just one bed to be in use at a time. A bed for one, lobster for one, wine for five. It was fortunate that Ellen's husband didn't fully understand her sudden and prompt departure for a weekend long business trip. Biting her lip and smiling naughtily, she couldn't imagine the look on her husband's face if he was to find out her true intentions.

As Ellen delicately removed her dressing gown from her elegant figure, a quick glance at the cheaply made bedside clock radio was called for. The faded display didn't seem eager to tell her that it was just past 10 PM, but Ellen wasn't pushed for time; a quick shower and a slip into something more comfortable was all she needed before her lover arrived. The shower was unusually forgiving, choosing not to freeze or burn her upon being turned on. As drops caressed every curve, a smile graced Ellen's face. In just half an hour she sought to be the loudest thing heard in the motel besides a dropped glass in the bar. There wouldn't be a problem there as getting Ellen in such a state was easy for such a lover...

Ellen's dressing again hung comfortably on her shoulders as she seemed to glide across the hotel room floor and onto the bed, ready to beckon her lover in. Small talk was not on the cards for this visit, and neither was the usual awkward after sex banter. Not even a shared cigarette was planned. Ellen's focus quickly snapped back into the room and her heart jumped as the signature three tap knock was heard briskly at the door.

"Come in, it's open," Ellen purred in a breathy voice, casting her long and beautiful blonde hair behind her shoulders, just enough to reveal her chest. It wasn't long before Ellen instantly regretted this action as the person who had just entered was far from her lover. While the sex that followed was painful, it was at least memorable and noisy for both parties, Ellen was surely right about that. This encounter was brief, however, which left a thankful Ellen sobbing into her pillow and bleeding from familiar orifices. As tender as she may have been, Ellen still tentatively used her towel to stop the bleeding. Sniffing hard, she picked up the phone once more to ask for security.

 

______________

 

 

 

 

This is just something a little different I thought I'd try. While short, stick around, you may be pleasantly entertained by my little story. Then again, what do I know? You're the audience; you tell me.

Edited August 9, 2008 by Masterkraft

[Chickstick]

Short but sweet, to coin a phrase. I really liked it.

[Ronmar The Only]

Hmmm, a rape that was brief and no description of a struggle...maybe your lady is too willing for sex and not love.

 

Nice.

[Eminence]

Interesting. Brief, and vague, but I'll see where it's headed.

[Wanted Assailant]

Clever writing you have here. I was entertained. Waiting to see what shall happen next?

[Rhoda]

Hmmm, a rape that was brief and no description of a struggle...maybe your lady is too willing for sex and not love.

 

Nice.

That may be intentional, but I didn't want to focus on the rape all too much. It would've been easy (and more natural) to describe the rape in more detail, but that's not what I want the focus to be in. There's already a lot of efforts on this board that involve rape and they all do a great job in including it. I'm just keeping it brief, but good job on noticing. And thanks to everyone who replied so far, the next chapter will be up in a few hours.

[Blackadder.]

I like your style of writing, clever and well thought out. Nothing like mine at all!

 

Will be sure to follow this.

[Oxidizer]

Very nice.

That room certainly played host to some servicing.

 

Does it come to as a shock to you that I'm now anticipating more?

[Rhoda]

CHAPTER II

 

The bar was understandably empty despite it being barely 10 PM and Eddie shook his head from where he was sat. Less intoxicated businessmen meant less trouble, but Eddie felt like a good drink could do him good on such a boring Saturday night shift. Maybe a few disruptive and discontent booze hounds could liven up Eddie's otherwise dull shift. He had been a security guard for 4 years at Hallow Hall Lodge and as each month passed, the activity of the lodge had been reduced to the regular custom of weary travelers, disgruntled environmentalist and sex mad housewives who would exploit their husband's credit limit. Rather than enforce any real means of security, Eddie instead spent countless night shift hours drumming pencils on his desk and watching CCTV tapes hoping to find excitement on one of the many dimly lit screens. From time to time, Eddie would ocassionally catch glimpses of guests waiting far longer than usual for the elevator to arrive but that would be the extent of anything remotely interesting at that time of night. It was only when his good friend and work colleague Mark from the reception desk called him over that Eddie felt a glimmer of hope for something to do other that stare at the wooden paneling surrounding his desk. He was already on his way over when Mark started to talk.

"There's a woman in severe distress in room 209, Eddie. Specifically asked for security."

Eddie raised his eyebrows in interest, but not because there was a woman requesting his immediate attention in her room. Rather that he actually had something to do.

"She sounded a little rattled pal. Best make it quick."

Eddie felt his years of experience flooding back as he head for the stairs, nightstick firmly grasped just for good measure. As he reached the top of the flight the corridor laid out in front of him was poorly illuminated and rather small, aside from the single open door in the distance which did barely anything to provide light. Approaching carefully, the harsh sobbing grew more loud and desperate until Eddie gave a gentle knock. The woman didn't silence instantly, and instead grew quieter as if someone had turned down the volume on a television set abruptly.

"Everything alright ma'am?"

The woman slowly looked up at Eddie and seemed to smile, feeling safe in his very presence.

"I want to report a rape. The man is a guest, I've seen him at breakfast."

Eddie seemed startled that the woman managed to reply so quickly and so calmly despite her state. From the look and smell of her he could tell that she enjoyed a drink, but Eddie didn't feel as if he was in any immediate danger so he sat down beside her. It was only then he noticed the steady trail of blood from the bed to the bathroom and back again. Swallowing hard, he then noticed the amount of towels and toilet roll wrapped tightly around the woman as if to control the bleeding.

"You say you know the man?" Eddie spoke finally.

"No. I've seen him though, he was alone."

Eddie felt extremely sorry for the woman who had clearly only checked in for a weekend of frisky frolics and excessive alcohol consumption. It was up to the guests what they got up to away from prying eyes but Eddie couldn't help but feel responsible. If he'd have been more alert and focused, he may have detected something amiss and prevented something so horrific as a rape.

"I'll find him, I promise. He can't have gone far."

The woman simply nodded and smiled, swaying as she sat.

Eddie felt instantly uneasy, both by the state of the woman and the amount of blood delicately scattered on the shallow carpeting.

"I'll radio down for a medic, they'll be here in minutes I promise. The sooner I leave, the sooner I can catch this bastard."

The woman smiled even more so, again feeling safe and out of harm in Eddie's company. Eddie smiled warmly back, pressing a black, cracked radio to his lips.

"Medical attention to room 209 immediately please. Medical attention," he went on. "What's your name ma'am?"

"Ellen".

"Ellen." Eddie said to himself, "I'll get right on it Ellen."

Soon enough, 2 nurses huddled into the room, instantly making the room rather cramped so Eddie bid his farewell to the woman and immediately focused on the perverse guest who had raped a woman not ten minutes ago. It was only when Eddie turned the corner back onto the corridor when he saw a silhouette. Short in stature, the figure stood weakly as if the carpet in the hallway was the only thing keeping him upright. Eddie's adrenaline plummeted instantly as the mysterious man let out a low growl and disappeared up a flight of stairs. Swallowed hard once again, Eddie knew better than to follow; the guest was far too fast for him and instead ran downstairs. Wherever he was, CCTV would never lie.

[Ronmar The Only]

Good addition. The biggest grip I'd have is in the use of digits instead of spelling out numbers and contractions in the narrative. It is nothing that kills the reading, just a personal preference I suppose. In third-person narratives, I prefer the reading to be proper whist first-person could vary depending on who is telling the story exactly.

 

Like I said, I liked it.

[Rhoda]

Thanks Ronmar, and I do see where you're coming from regarding numbers and spoken word. You write them as they are said, where I usually don't. I hope this isn't a major inconvenience for you whilst you read as it is a conflict of styles after all.

I've decided that this won't last all that long at all; a new chapter every day, so by this rate I ought to have completed this short story by the end of the week/weekend. Hope to see you all then.

[Blackadder.]

That chapter was utter crap. Screw this story, I'm going home!

 

Aha, just kidding, sets up the next chapter nicely, I'll be waiting.

[mark-2007]

Great story. I loved the personalities you gave the characters immediately. Also liked how you didn't go into unecessary detail of the rape, that stuff kinda bores me.

 

Looking forward to the next chapter

[Rhoda]

Thanks Mark, unfortunately I won't be updating it daily as anticipated, but I'm certainly not dragging it out either. Criticism at this stage welcome of course. Expect a chapter late tonight.

[Chickstick]

but Eddie felt like a good drink could do him good on such a boring Saturday night shift. Maybe a few disruptive and discontent booze hounds could liven up Eddie's otherwise dull shift.

A little repetition there.

 

I liked the second chapter, added a bit more intrigue to the story; will Eddie find the rapist? Looking forward to the next part.

[Rhoda]

Sorry this is rather late but I've not been myself lately, such is the toll of life and what it throws at you. I do hope this installment is enjoyable and not influenced by my current mood. Enjoy all, comments and criticism always welcome.

 

 

CHAPTER III

 

Excitement had now faded, replaced with adrenaline. Of course Ellen was misbehaving but not even a jilted husband would commit such an atrocity as rape. Barely able to stop himself spinning in his battered office chair, Eddie steadied himself and glued his face to the CCTV sets on the desk in front of him. For 10 minutes he was frantic, talking to other members of security through-out the hotel and sipping his seemingly bottomless cup of coffee. Every screen seemed to merge into one as his eyes flickered to and from each one. From time to time, Eddie's heart would flutter if he saw shadows of plants in the halls or heard the distinctive crackle of his radio. With only 4 other members of security working the night shift, finding the culprit would take time if he knew where he was hiding, especially if they were a guest.

"Eddie, come over, look at this."

Mark's voice tore through Eddie's already faltering concentration. With a tiresome sip of his now lukewarm coffee, Eddie gave a sigh and approached Mark, radio tightly gripped in his sweaty palms. Mark didn't take his eyes off his own three screens which displayed the second floor with mediocre quality; just enough to serve as identification.

"Some shady lookin' just passed... and he's left a trail."

"Excuse me?"

Eddie leaned in closer, hoping to identify the residue left behind by the culprit without approaching it.

"So I could follow it perhaps?" the perplexed security guard inquired quietly.

Mark simply stroked his face, just as puzzled. Clearing his throat, he got up from his own chair and instead approached Eddie's desk, again refusing to take his eyes of the various screens. This time, Mark raised his voice.

"Okay, now you've got to follow it."

Eddie's mouth hung a little lower than usual when he discovered trails on the black and white monitors which displayed clean corridors just seconds ago. These trails were frantic and were heading off in many directions, some even ending at room doors. Many rooms were open, with many women sat in the doorways naked and sobbing.

"Jesus Christ..."

Mark said what Eddie was thinking, and this time, more drastic protection was needed. With a paler complexion, Mark simply swallowed hard and returned to his own desk, immediately picking up the phone.

"I'm calling for more law enforcement, this is simply not called for."

Eddie, also white, simply nodded and thanked Mark, replacing his flashlight with his gun.

 

Quickly and quietly, Eddie scaled the stairs. By this time, more and more police officers had begun to arrive, taking details of the men staying inside each room and comforting each woman. Picking out words from each woman as he passed, Eddie's eyes seemed to run dry at the thought of the vulgar culprit he was pursuing;

"he had deep, dark eyes..."

"... just wouldn't relent..."

"... was just crying all the way through, horrible..."

Tightening his grip, Eddie began to climb the second set of stairs and was greatly relieved to find more police officers, searching every available room with or without permission. These increased numbers made Eddie feel a tremendous amount of courage surge through his veins, searching the more forgotten or dilapidated areas of that particular floor. It was only when Eddie gingerly opened the door to a maid storeroom when his eyes widened in pure horror. Without a second to raise his weapon, the rapist lunged at him, his long and flowing trench coat baffling his senses. As soon as the criminal was free of Eddie's grip, he clawed the doorframe, breathing heavily. This was all the law enforcement needed to raise their weapons, some charging at him, but every effort was vanquished. Eddie watched from the floor in horror as every police officer was brought to the floor violently. Without a moment's doubt, Eddie roared and clawed at his gun, hoping to wound the sick and perverted rapist, but he wasn't quick enough. With a roar himself, the criminal delivered a swift kick to Eddie's head and hands, knocking his gun flying down the corridor. He fell heavy, and his vision was too blurred by blood to catch a glimpse of whoever committed his ever increasing list of crimes. Eddie's head grew heavy, and before he knew what was happening he was awake on a stretcher outside the hotel grounds, the voice of paramedics enhancing his pain and confusion...

[mark-2007]

Wow, he's a quick rapist...

 

Not my favourite chapter, it was all well described and set out with good dialogue, it's just the rapist himself. I'm hoping it'll be explained how he's near-superhuman and how he rapes so fast too!

[Rhoda]

Of course all will be explained, this chapter's designed for the enigma factor. Many questions are raised, but all loose ends will be resolved. Thanks Mark.

[Oxidizer]

 

Wow, he's a quick rapist...

 

I'm hoping it'll be explained how he's near-superhuman and how he rapes so fast too!

My sentiments exactly. Though now I've got a feeling that this'll be a supernatural piece.

 

Other than that, I thought the rapist's "trail" would've been spunk everywhere. Please tell me I'm not alone. Or am I twisted for thinking that?

 

Whatever. I like this a lot!

[Rhoda]

Back again folks, the fourth installment has arrived. I do admit, I've been enjoying writing this more than I have Ghost. I hope the sequel will cure that however. Enjoy.

 

CHAPTER IV

 

Eddie's eyes grew heavy, the paramedics surrounding him threw down a claustrophobic veil and his gun was nowhere to be found. Struggling on his stretcher, he noticed several more around him, occupied by more calm and hurt police officers. With a loud and primal grunt, Eddie attempted to roll off his own stretcher, each time gaining more and more momentum. Despite the efforts of many paramedics to heal his pain, Eddie defied them and was true to his job and word. With a lower, quieter grunt, Eddie managed to roll clumsily off his stretcher and onto the harsh gravel of the car park. With a gasp of pain, he then hauled himself to his feet and scanned the scene ahead of him; around 20 police officers, all being treated with injuries one way or another. Wiping gravel from his sweaty forhead, Eddie hobbled back to the motel, stick disorientated from the beast that attacked him.

"Mark!"

Eddie's voice was weak, but confident.

"Mark!"

As Eddie's feet grew stronger, he broke into a run, his head still throbbing. At this point, Eddie had reached the lobby, where Mark stood by his desk, all 4 of his desk phones ringing, their tone frantic and desperate.

"Eddie!"

Mark looked over his receiver, his attention torn between his injured friend and the calls of fretting relatives. Obviously news coverage had spread with news vans now on the scene.

"Are you alright?" Mark said, a little quieter this time to avoid deafening those on the phone.

"I'm fine I guess, enough to catch this bastard."

Mark finished his phone call abruptly as Eddie landed harshly in a nearby armchair, almost knocking over a display of battered books for sale to guests. Clearing his throat like a chain smoker of 50 years, Eddie righted himself as Mark approach with a sponge.

"You can't be serious about going after him, let the professionals do it Eddie. Go home."

"This is my job, and it's further than that now," Eddie replied forcefully, his tone quiet, "I can't let them go, not after all this."

Mark simply sighed, but smiled, admiring Eddie's courage or stupidity, whichever was more evident at that moment in time. Standing up slowly, Mark handed Eddie a familiar friend; his gun.

"Hurt him. Hurt him just as much as he hurt every woman in this motel."

With a solemn nod, Eddie groaned and again struggled to his feet, though his grip around the gun did not falter. Now with more confident steps, he scaled the stairs in front of him with slow speed but massive determination. The corridors were now lifeless with every guest evacuated. The trails of an unknown but suspiciously toxic substance lingered in the halls, the stench overpowering. With a hasty gag, Eddie masked his nose with his own shirt cuff and proceeded to the second set of stairs where the trails were fresh. It was only when Eddie heard the distant creak of floorboards that he stopped dead in his tracks and listened intently. The creaks grew louder and the sweat traced patterns down Eddie's forehead and face, the very taste of them bitter and distracting. Without a moment of hesitation, Eddie whipped quickly round the corner and shot blindly ahead of him where he suspected the rapist resided. Sure enough, Eddie's instincts served him well and the culprit let out a blood curdling and high pitched scream. It was only when Eddie's clip was exhausted that he cast his gun across the floor and lunged at the rapist, who fell to the floor, his feet and shins filled with shards of lead. With a well landed punch however, Eddie was soon stopped in his tracks for the second time in 30 seconds and before he realised, the long and thin fingers of the culprit were tightly coiled around his neck. Eddie coughed and gasped harshly as he gazed into the deep black eyes of his attacker that he truly realised what he was. Wasting no time in escaping, Eddie roared and this time delivered a swift kick to the creature's midsection. With another high pitched scream, Eddie kept landing punch after punch to the beast's head and midsection until he reached the end of the corridor. More and more punches made contact with the creature until they both hit the window hard. Taking advantage of Eddie's lack of space, the rapist grabbed him by the shoulders tightly and forced his head through the window causing the cheap glass to shatter with minimal damage. Fortunately for Eddie, a large tree underneath the window cushioned his fall but now he was faced with another danger; both he and the mysterious creature were alone and lost in the forest surrounding the motel. With the presence of darkness heavy around them and the creature now free and running, Eddie could do nothing but pursue it.

[Oblivionz]

I love this story.

<3

[Wanted Assailant]

Been reading this chip for a while. Excited about the next and final installment, ending this crazy chase.

 

 

[Oxidizer]

Creepy stuff! Which kind of reminds me of (ironically) Craig from the movie Creep.

 

So I'm taking it the rapist isn't exactly human?

 

I'm intrigued by how this is gonna end. Quite a twisted tale you've written yourself, here. I like!

[Eminence]

To begin with, my few little nit-pickings thus far...

 

 

but Eddie felt like a good drink could do him good on such a boring Saturday night shift. Maybe a few disruptive and discontent booze hounds could liven up Eddie's otherwise dull shift.

 

Repetition = flow disruption.

 

 

grew more loud and desperate

 

Here I would've probably worded it as 'grew louder and more desperate'.

 

 

The woman didn't silence instantly, and instead grew quieter as if someone had turned down the volume on a television set abruptly.

 

This sentence was filled with a few slight inconsistencies. Firstly, there's the oxymoronic 'grew quieter' - how does something 'grow' 'quieter'. It's like 'growing bigger' - doesn't quite make sense. Secondly, there's the simile at the end, which is a contradiction with the initial statement; 'didn't silence instantly'. If someone turns down the volume 'abruptly', then it happens quickly; which obviously doesn't correspond with the earlier claim that it didn't happen instantly.

 

 

Eddie felt extremely sorry for the woman who had clearly only checked in for a weekend of frisky frolics and excessive alcohol consumption. It was up to the guests what they got up to away from prying eyes but Eddie couldn't help but feel responsible. If he'd have been more alert and focused, he may have detected something amiss and prevented something so horrific as a rape.

"I'll find him, I promise. He can't have gone far."

The woman simply nodded and smiled, swaying as she sat.

Eddie felt instantly uneasy, both by the state of the woman and the amount of blood delicately scattered on the shallow carpeting.

 

Repetition again, and despite there being a good few sentences, including dialogue, in-between, it still sticks out like the proverbial sore thumb. It's not the fact that the sentence begins with 'Eddie' - it's the combination of words, 'Eddie felt' - the reader feels like we've been here not long ago.

 

 

"Ellen." Eddie said to himself, "I'll get right on it Ellen."

 

The classic error in the punctuation of dialogue and attribution. It should read:

 

 

"Ellen," Eddie said to himself. "I'll get right on it Ellen."

 

At the end of this chapter, my first thought was why Eddie was so quick to leave the room without asking for any information regarding the man he was about to pursue. Sure, he'd follow the lead of the CCTV, but what if that was inconclusive? Surely he would've asked for any simple details - general build, hair colour, etc.?

 

 

Excitement had now faded, replaced with adrenaline.

 

I found this to be a bit of a redundant and oxymoronic statement. Surely adrenaline goes hand in hand with excitement; during times of excitement, the adrenaline is pumping and that's what creates the entire high? If the excitement were to fade, the adrenaline - which actually causes the emotion of excitement - would surely fade with it, not replace it to give an additional feeling in its aftermath.

 

 

Every screen seemed to merge into one as his eyes flickered to and from each one.

 

Little bit of repetition again.

 

--

 

After this point, I lost focus on these more trivial mistakes, although at a glance I never found any. What concerned me more, however, was the direction of the story. To me, it became like a snowball rolling down a hill, gathering in pace and momentum, but with little flow or substance. It just seemed to get faster and faster, no longer really describing things, but skimming over them in vague detail to create a fast-paced sequence of events.

 

As a side-note, at first, I raised all of the usual questions: how did he rape all of the women so quickly; how did he manage to defeat so many police officers. But with the apparent supernatural directional twist, I persuaded myself to drop those and trust in the conclusion.

 

Overall, everything just seemed to lack the atmosphere that had been created at first. It was no longer tense, only pacey, and any image that I had been building in my head disappeared pretty much once the firefight began. A prime example of this is the last paragraph in chapter IV; it's huge, and requires some sort of segmentation, as the reader literally gets lost in it. Aside from the layout, of course, the content itself just seems too pacey. It's got some good description in it, but everything whizzes by a little too fast; kinda like driving really fast in GTA itself. You fly past everything at such a high speed that you can't take it all in; it's only when you slow down a little that you can see all of the detail.

[Rhoda]

Ah, so you recommend I slow down and take more time on each event? I suppose I get excited while writing, I should calm down! Thanks Eminence and thanks Oxi.

[Eminence]

At times, yeah. There's no real formula to say 'you must do this at this point', for example - you just have to do what you feel is right and what you're happy with, at the end of the day. But yeah, that's a good summation of how it comes across; that you got excited while writing it and wanted to just get everything out there!

 

On the whole the end seemed, in parts, overexcited; so if you work on that to perhaps slow it down at points, perhaps with the simplest of changes, then I think it'll flow in a much better and more effective way.

[Rhoda]

While it may be a bit too late to implement such changes, I'll certainly take into account what you've said and perhaps try to practice slowing down in parts for the 5th and final chapter. Thanks again!

[Eminence]

Yeah, certainly. I wouldn't really advise going back and changing things now anyway; they are as they are, and there's really no need to rewrite or edit them. Just take the advice on board for future pieces; starting with the next chapter. Which I'm eagerly awaiting, by the way!

[Rhoda]

Thanks, and I'm glad you've said what you have actually; I have a similar piece planned which I hope will feature more tension, especially now I can take into account your advice. Expect Horizon very soon...

 

But I digress, chapter 5 tomorrow hopefully.

[Oxidizer]

C5? Possibly by tomorrow? EEE! And also another EEE! for Horizon, which I'm hyped for. What's the plot for that one again?