Ziggy455 Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 (edited) Liberty Roots Characters Claude pure A.K.A dek Johnny Tann Salvatore leone Tony Ciprianni Claude Speed Catalina vialpando Aunty poulet *will be updated* Background Liberty city 1997.the city lay in neither chaos nor calmness.but underneath the quiet streets lay a world off corruption,greed...and crime... Our protagonist is ex-gang member claude Pure A.K.A Dek.Moving to liberty city to get away from the gangs that overran the once beautiful vice city.a city of pleasure to a city of war... Our story begins... Chapter 1 A nightmare to a better one Dek was standing in the middle of an empty street looking around and observing his surroundings.He knew it was a road in little haiti and it looked just as it did when he had left vice city.wartorn and tatty. roads lay tattered and the ambience of gunshots and muffled screams could be heard from way beyond the long street.after he pondered on the noises for a moment he heard a woman's voice. He turned around quickly and noticed a short but fatjamican woman in a purple dress wearing a backward rag on her head standing further down the road opposite himself he knew it was aunty poulet straight away: Dek: aunty poulet? Aunty Poulet: Aiii' dek whydja' run awey? what gud' would it be for ya'? dek:I wanted out! i don't need the haitans anymore i'm not even black! Aunty poulet went and sat on a bench and motioned her hand for bek to join her.he sat down and the 2 began talking again. Aunty poulet: dek da ya here dem callin'? all ya friends that wantcha back?do ya wanna runnaway from dem people? dek stood up Dek: I'M NOT RUNNING! THERES MORE TO LIFE THAN PETTY DAMN GANG CRIME!WHAT ARE WE FIGHTING FOR? THIS CITY? as dek was speaking he picked up a stone and showed it to aunty poulet before throwing it away disgustedly Aunty Poulet: aii but it's not bout dis city is it now dek? t'is bout repect... after aunty poulet finished speaking she stood up and walked away from dek without saying a word Dek: aunty poulet? aunty poulet turned around and now her voice echoed throughout the street and it sounded different Aunty poulet: Sir? Sir? Please sir Wake up! dek stared at her curiously before she herself and the street dissolved into darkness and a air stewardess face faded from the blackness,Dek woke up with a jolt and knew it was all a dream was all a dream.he was sitting o a plane and a air stewardess was talking to him Stewardess: sir we have arrived at liberty city... Dek thanked the stewardess,grabbed his bag and got off the plane...heheaded through the terminal and noticed someone waving at him from accross the terminal in a fast food restaurant.He headed over to him and sat down... its just like a short kinda conscious crisis thingy i added to the story and tell me if yalike it! Edited July 19, 2008 by Ziggy455 "I might have laughed if I'd have remembered how." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
radicell Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 Before even thinking about your writing, you've got to fix up your technical errors or else everyone will be put off by your bad spelling, unspaced commas, and blue text. Dek was standing in the middle of an empty street looking around and observing his surroundings.He knew it was a road in little haiti and it looked just as it did when he had left vice city.torn rags,blood on the pavements and car rubble everywhere.suddenly he heard a voice. Dek was standing in the middle of an empty street looking around and observing his surroundings. He knew it was a road in Little Haiti and it looked just as it did when he had left Vice City. Torn rags, blood on the pavements and car rubble everywhere. Suddenly, he heard a voice. The rest of the chapter is riddled with mistakes like this. Such badness will put off readers at first glance. Make an effort to put your grammar and spelling right, as well as all of your capitalization and punctuation, or else, I swear, this will end up falling away into sub-mediocrity like a piece of trailer trash, and from the first chapter, I can foresee that exact thing happening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggy455 Posted July 19, 2008 Author Share Posted July 19, 2008 (edited) the way aunty poulet speaks is not my misappropriation with badspelling it is a descriptive way of describing how a jamiacan sounds and the commas are there to emphasis that it is slang terms.... besides that i agree with you fully! i will try to improve... Edited July 19, 2008 by Ziggy455 "I might have laughed if I'd have remembered how." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggy455 Posted July 20, 2008 Author Share Posted July 20, 2008 (edited) Chapter 2 Locals only Dek sat down at the table while the man was tucking in to a burger.he was a fat man but not enough that he was incapable of walking he wore a white shirt and black tie and dark work pants and he had a black waistcoat slung on the back of his chair: Dek: Umm are you the guy i was supposed to meet? Johnny: Yeah kid i'm johnny...johnny tann. Dek looked at johnny funny as he slurped his sprunk can.He thought about telling him that his can had leaked onto his burger but changed his mind and grinned. Johnny: what's so funny? is it the way i'm dressed? Dek: no no nevermind...so um your the guy i was on the phone to about the job? johnny ate the remaining bites of his burger and threw the wrapper in a bin. Johnny: that was my...my receptionist! Dek: yeah...right so what is this job exactly? your secretary did'nt explain much over the phone.just that it involved firearm skills.I'm not gettin' in to anything hot am i? Johnny belched loudly before putting on his waistcoat Johnny: nah it's strictly on a need to know basis you'll see what your in for tomorrow c'mon kid i'll show you your new mansion! Dek smiled gleefully until he got the joke then he frowned and the 2 walked out of the terminal and into the car park.a man in a black buisness suit was leaning on a black sentinal: Johnny: (talking to the man) hey drive us to portland we gotta' get the kid to his place. the man nodded and the 3 got in the car.on the way dek looked at the magnificence of the city.the huge skyscrapers and the business of the streets unlike the downtown ofof vice city! Johnny: So kid what's this like compared to that hellhole back on west coast? Dek: (while occupied with the look of libert city) it looks great... Johnny: now this place ain't no 5 star resort but course it ain't no motel 6 so be happy wid' whatcha got aight kid? Dek: yeah sure anything's better than where i lived back in vice... Johnny: So what exactly did you do in vice kid? Dek: i joined the army when i was 18 but one of my bunk members was jealous cause i got a better score on the overall firearms course so he put weed in my trunk my CO found it and i got kicked out...then i ran with a few gangs and since the war started in vice i wanted out... Johnny: well this is a nice place but it can be misleadin' Dek: yeah... after that the car pulled up to a small street,dek got out and grabbed his case from the trunk. johnny:3rd floor door number 3 kay kid? Dek noddedjohnny johnny: I'll call ya' tommorow okay kid? theres a bit of stuff for you in the apartment and watch out for doris... after that the car sped off around the corner.Dek sighed and headed inside and upstairs.the inside was tatty and graffiti was sprayed on a few walls on the way up.Dek got to his door before a loud crash came from downstairs and a fat black lady wearing curlers came upstairs with a broom. Lady: get the f*ck outta' here! locals only! Dek:(while protecting his face with his arm)i'm dek! i'm the new guy movin' in here! Lady: i seen your kind before! always smellin' like that swuede! Dek: are you sure its not weed? Lady: DON'T PATRONISE ME! dek:(backing away) woah woah lady i'm just movin' in.lets start over (put his hand out) I'm dek and you are? Doris:(lowers the broom) Doris the landlady... dek: Oh johnny told me about you! Doris:oh your a friend of johnnys? why did'nt you say so? Dek: kinda took me by surprise there for a second... doris laughed and apologised Dek: oh and i don't smoke weed or suede as you put it... Doris : just get settled in i'll see you when i need payin' Doris walked off back downstairs and dek opened the door.inside was a large middle room and 2 hallways and it was full of furniture and essentials.Dek smiled and unpacked tommorow would be a busy day... Edited July 20, 2008 by Ziggy455 "I might have laughed if I'd have remembered how." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Struff Bunstridge Posted July 21, 2008 Share Posted July 21, 2008 the way aunty poulet speaks is not my misappropriation with badspelling it is a descriptive way of describing how a jamiacan sounds and the commas are there to emphasis that it is slang terms.... I can dig this. If done well, it can really add to the story. I would say that you could do it better - just because it's slang, doesn't mean you can get away with not capitalising/punctuating it properly - but it's a good idea. As far as your new installment goes, it's OK, but I suspect it's going directly from brain to forum. Type it in Word or something first, and you can check it for spelling and grammar. For example, this: Johnny: nah it's strictly on a need to know basis you'll see what your in for tomorrow c'mon kid i'll show you your new mansion! should read like this: Johnny: Nah, it's strictly on a need to know basis; you'll see what you're in for tomorrow. C'mon kid, I'll show you your new mansion! Don't let this discourage you though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggy455 Posted July 21, 2008 Author Share Posted July 21, 2008 thanks i do improvise a bit but im trying harder! "I might have laughed if I'd have remembered how." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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