GTA: The Pharmacist

[Eminence]

You're taking some little things on board - trying to keep the narrative structure, as well as correctly punctuating dialogue - so that's good to see. However, yeah, you've gone a little overboard and totally changed the style of the story with the whole aspect of the drugs; it's not that the storyline itself is over the top, but the writing style has completely changed and any real 'style' has vanished. It's like the end of a cartoon or something; "Boy was I in a strange situation. But why was the SWAT there?" It just sounds a little childish.

 

Plus, your chapters are seeming to be annoyingly short. Yes, nobody wants to - or probably will keep up with - huge slabs of text, but on the flipside, people want a little more than a couple paragraphs and that's it. So try, instead of rushing to post something in tiny snippets, to elaborate on your chapter sizes a little. Maybe just clump two of your chapters together and call them one, from now on - as an example.

[GTAwarrior]

I won't add any new chapters for a bit because I'm busy with the Build Your Own GTA thing on Gta: NeXt, mine is called GTA: Bridgeton, so you can check it out.

[GTAwarrior]

The following is for everyone on WD, who told me to stop posting new ideas and finish THE PHARMACIST. So without furhter a do, here is chapter five.

 

Chapter Five: Wolf in Sheep's Clothing

I woke to the sound of sirens and guns reloading. I still wasn't sure where I was. Zero was sweating profusely and Truth was unconsious.

I noticed the people with guns were dressed like SWAT but the cars they had, were just unliscensed vans. They must have been robbing the Burger Shot we penetrated with the hippie van. I began to get a sharp headache and becoming woozy. Zero tossed me gun. "I know what we're gonna do is bad, but please just for now do some good!" he hid under the passenger seat. I nodded at his statement and reloaded the revolver.

I opened the door slowly walked to see men in bulletproof armor and helmets, screaming and extorting the cashiers. They didn't notice me because they were to focused on taking money and harming employees. Suddenly it hit me, helmets cover their faces and armor covers their chests, nothing covers their legs.

I clipped one in the ankle, he fell back and dropped his helmet. That gave me a clear shot at his head. The next guy reloaded his M-16, but his gun got jammed. I giggled at his misery and shot him in the crotch and hand. There was only two bad guys left, but one shot me in the back and I dropped the revolver.

One walked over to me and cocked his machine gun, he said "Sorry, b*tch" he fired and killed me.

 

Zero: I shuddered at the sight of my friend getting killed. They reached for his walet. They saw where he lived, his contacts, and how Julia looked. I needed to tell the Truth. "Wake up damn hippie. I'm not dying a virgin!" I slapped his face to wake him. He began muttering until he woke. "Andrew's dead and they have all his information." I said in a deadpan way. "But he had the plan in his walet" Truth said staring in aw.

 

 

Sorry, if you liked Banky. I did this so the story could have a false protagonist, like "No Country For Old Men", so you think Andrew is the main character, but in reality it is Zero.

[Eminence]

You can't have a first person narrative told in past tense where the protagonist is killed. It doesn't make sense.

[Vercetti21]

...he fired and killed me.

Yeah that doesn't make sense at all. How in the world could he be alive to tell us, after the fact, that he died? Also:

 

 

So, you need to space out your paragraphs.

 

 

...space out your paragraphs.

 

 

...space out your paragraphs.

 

 

Erm, you've improved spelling/grammar-wise, but you still need to space out your paragraphs.

 

People are going to stop criticizing your work if you aren't going to listen.