GTA: The Pharmacist

[GTAwarrior]

Prologue (Las Venturas 1999)

My names is Andrew Banky and I'm pathetic.I work at the pharmacy across the street of the V-Rock hotel. I totally want to be at the main window of Lazlow Jones' suite. To have my eyes cascade down to see everything on the street, but I work here. I live a sad life where I'm just a white-collar guy. I picked pharmacist because I'm afraid of heights and escalators. I'm so bored that I eat four times a day just to past the time. I chew 8 packs of gum a day and I am embarrassed that my wife hates my guts and only sticks with me to take care of our three-year old daughter. It just bothers me that my life is the same routine: wake up, go to work, go home, go to sleep. Speaking of sleep I live the life of a paradox, in that I have insomnia because I'm stressed at work and I'm stressed at work because I can't sleep. Do you see my dilemma?

My life is so pathetic that I count the number of traffic lights from my house to work. But things are about to change, I want more from my boring and mundane life something far greater. I'm so pathetic I don't even own a gun in a crime ridden town. Some guy named CJ robbed the pharmacy a few days ago, thank God I wasn't there.

So now, when I can't take being yelled at by my wife or being mocked by the V-Rock hotel, I'm going to rob Lazlow Jones for every cent he owns and show to everyone in the world that I'm not a p*ssy. Most robbers have nothing personal against their victims and I for one do not have anything against Lazlow except for the fact he gets all the fame and fortune and rubs it in the face of all us white-collars and we have to take it. Well, not me. I'm fighting back the routine.

 

 

Edited July 3, 2008 by GTAwarrior

[Oblivionz]

Here's some advice.

Stick to one story at a time, so far I see you have three posted and they're all sh*t because you don't use anything to spell check, or fix your grammar.

[Oxidizer]

 

one story at a time, so far I see you have three posted and they're all sh*t

Gotta luv ya.

[GTAwarrior]

Does anyone actually like this or do you agree with the previous repliers that it is so-called quote: sh*t :unquote?

[Oxidizer]

Sorry, mate, I didn't think it was sh*t. Just that part of e-son's reply caught my eye and made me laugh. Nothing personal.

 

But yeah, I think that's an alright prologue, I guess. I'll try and leave you proper feedback when chapter one is posted.

[GTAwarrior]

Chapter One: The War At Home/Meeting Rosie

I drove from my dark and upsetting job in a beat-up burgundy Picador. I lived in brown dual window one story house in White Wood Estates. I looked to the right window to see my daughter Julia crying. I ran and opened the front door. What... The... Hell? My wife Karen was having sex with my neighbor John. It was really disturbing in that it was anal sex on a counter. I wasn't even sure you could do that. But what do I know, I haven't gotten any since '92. "What the Hell are you doing?!" I yelled undoing my belt. "Uh, Andrew, you were supposed to come home at eight thirty not seven." my wife bellowed. "F*ck you! I'm getting a divorce" I swung the crap out of John. I drew blood from his face and the metal left an imprint of a square-like scar. I ran to Julia's room. "C'mon honey we're leaving!" I carried her. "You're not real man. You can't satisfy me!" my unfaithful wife screamed sounding kind of like Satan. I noticed John was whimpering and I wit-fully added "And John is a man?" I ran out the front door and I was going to drive back to the strip.

What was I to do. Leave my child with that b*tch. I need some place to sleep and some sanctuary. I need to rethink what to do with myself. Questions began floating in my head: How do I provide for Julia? How do I fight the routine? How do I make my self stand out? How do make everyone no the name Andrew Banky?

The questions blinded my mind and made my brain feel like a cubicle-worker frantically trying to ego-surf himself on a computer. Honestly I was tired and needed a place to stay. Thank goodness hotels are really easy to find and are extremely cheap these days.

Edited July 3, 2008 by GTAwarrior

[GTAwarrior]

Please Comment i know lots of you r busy

[Chickstick]

Please Comment i know lots of you r busy

You left it for, what, just over an hour? We do have lives, you know.

 

I agree with Oblivionz. Stick with one story because you obviously can't cope with such a large amount. Every story of yours is full of poor description, obvious spelling mistakes, diabolical character development. Stick with just one and try to improve that.

 

And please, listen this time.

[Lochie_old]

I really dislike this, it just seems so childish and pointless.

[GTAwarrior]

Dude I'm 12. Okay I'm trying here to make something likable but everyone thinks I'm so childish that I just might leave WD and the forums.

[The Unvirginiser]

Dude I'm 12. Okay I'm trying here to make something likable but everyone thinks I'm so childish that I just might leave WD and the forums.

That could quite possibly be one of the-... No.. THE greatest decision in human history!

[Eminence]

Jesus christ will you lot shut the f*ck up and give the kid a break?! f*ck me.

 

So what if he's eager and wants to start different pieces. Maybe if he got some decent feedback he'd stick to the one story, but all he's got so far is the most mundane sh*t ever.

 

It's time people learned how to give some proper feedback. Instead of saying the cliche 'I suggest reading other fanfics', well, to you lot, here's something I'm going to say. How about going and reading other feedback? Pieces of actual constructive criticism, not the poor attempts at intellect and elitism that litter this forum day in and day out. Instead of saying the most basic, contrived piece of feedback - it has poor description, it's not very detailed, it's unrealistic - how about actually picking the piece of part and showing people what they're doing wrong, and telling them how to improve? All everybody does now is just says 'you need to improve this'. Yeah, well that's great f*cking feedback, just excellent. How about mentioning HOW? You all seem to think your writing is so amazing, and that you know how to write and how to improve pieces. Well, f*cking show it then!

 

This, on the whole, isn't a bad start. I haven't read your other pieces, so I don't know whether it's an improvement or a step backwards in comparison, but there's no need for people to blast it in such a trivial manner as to say it's simply 'sh*t'. We all start somewhere, and you're putting some decent effort in, you just need to try to work up your skills and develop a more cohesive narrative style. One thing to note is that whenever there is a new line of dialogue - that is, spoken by a new character - it must be placed onto a fresh line, as opposed to continuing it in the following sentence. For example:

 

 

What... The... Hell? My wife Karen was having sex with my neighbor John. It was really graphic and way more disturbing than porn.

 

"What the Hell are you doing?!" I yelled undoing my belt.

 

"Uh, Andrew, you were supposed to come home at eight thirty not seven." my wife bellowed.

 

"F*ck you! I'm getting a divorce" I swung the crap out of John. I drew blood from his face and the metal left an imprint of a square-like scar. I ran to Julia's room. "C'mon honey we're leaving!" I carried her.

 

"You're not real man. You can't satisfy me!" my UNFAITHFUL wife screamed sounding kind of like Satan. I noticed John was whimpering and I wit-fully added

 

"And John is a man?" I ran out the front door and I was going to drive back to the strip.

 

Now, within this excerpt, there's further things you could improve on. There's a run of sentences all beginning with "I" - try not to do this, as it becomes a repetitive way of telling the narrative. So, instead of this,

 

 

I swung the crap out of John. I drew blood from his face and the metal left an imprint of a square-like scar. I ran to Julia's room.

 

You could simply write,

 

 

I swung the crap out of John. Blood began to run down his face and the metal left an imprint of a square-like scar. I ran to Julia's room.

 

Not much of a change, is it? But it's these subtle differences that will help your narrative flow and become more interesting to read.

 

Now, another thing I'd advise against doing is to try not to name-drop so much. Part of the prologue seems like an advertisement, the way you slip in things like 'gatorade' and 'starlight mints'. In addition, you spend too much time describing this aspect of the character, which isn't very interesting for the audience to read. What's more, some of the description is fairly basic and, at times, redundant - "way more graphic than porn", for example. That's not really telling the audience much at all, and it's unneeded hyperbole.

 

I'll stop there, for now, but it just gives you an idea on some of the things that you can do to change the piece and make it more interesting. Feel free to PM me if you'd like a more in-depth breakdown of the piece and I'll be happy to point out a few more mistakes, which other people should've already pointed out by now as opposed to throwing hissy fits because you're not conforming to their perfect standards.

[GTAwarrior]

Thank you! Finally someone gives me some feedback that's not "you have way too many topics" or "this is sh*t" so thanks.

[GTAwarrior]

Chapter Two: A Little Help From My Friends

As I drove to the hotel parking lot, Julia was sleeping in the back seat and tossing and turning. The small hotel mirrored the Julius Thruway. I needed to call my cousin.

 

"Hello, Zero its your cousin Andrew" I said.

 

"Hey Andy, hows it going ?" Zero said

 

"It sucks man, I just caught my significant other in the act with my neighbor" I replied.

 

"Sounds like a rough patch" Zero responded.

 

"No sh*t. Anyways comedown here to the Sandy Hotel in Venturas. I need help" I said

 

"Listen, I'm helping out a client here in Fierro, so" he told me.

 

"Zero, you've f*cked me over in the past, you're not f*cking me over now! Get you geeky-potato chip eating-RC plane flying- ass down here!"

 

"Woah, I've never heard you like this. Fine I'll be there tomorrow but I need to bring a client with me"

 

"Fine bye" I ended the call.

 

 

I hung up the phone and tucked Julia into the bed. Something has come over me like a caged beast that was waiting to be released. I sat at the corner of this dump they call a room and drank some champagne from the mini-bar. I took swigs back and forth until I fell asleep on the carpet.

 

Ring Ring Ring!

 

The annoying sound of my cell woke me up.

"Hello..." I had a tremendous hangover.

"Yeah it's Zero, what room are you staying at?"

"Room 550"

"Okay"

I hung up the sliding phone as I picked my self up from the uncomfortable floor. Julia was eating cereal in front of a small 15 inch screen. A few minutes later there was knocking on my door. It was Zero and some tall guy with a cockney accent that I have never seen before.

 

"Hey Andrew. Hi Julia!" Zero called.

 

"Mate, introduce me!" Kent happily greeted.

 

"Right" Zero said.

 

"Andrew this is Kent Paul" Zero introduced.

 

"Kent this Andrew Banky"

 

"So what was the emergency" he asked

 

I whispered "I wanna rob the V-Rock hotel"

 

"Are you alright in your head" Zero aggravatingly told me.

 

"Yeah, bloke is your brain baked" Kent called.

 

"F*ck this a**hole! Look you were an accomplice in the Caligula's Palace robbery right?" I cursed.

 

"Yeah so?" Zero nervously replied.

 

"So you can help me?" I asked Zero who was jittery.

 

"Look Banky, your my cousin and all but your insane!" Zero straight up told me.

 

"No we just need a plan" I said assuring the two.

 

"So what do we do?" they both simultaneously asked.

 

"I've got it" I happily bellowed.

 

 

 

 

Edited July 3, 2008 by GTAwarrior

[Eminence]

The first thing I'd say about this chapter is that it's gone a little dialogue heavy - you've almost turned it into a script with tiny sections of narrative inbetween. Now, there's nothing wrong with a bit of dialogue, but make sure you set the scene around it in a more detailed manner. What's more, you need to include two things in your dialogue, because as it is, it's extremely confusing. Firstly, you need some punctuation - you're having speech included in quotations with no other punctuation, like so:

 

 

"Sounds like a rough patch"

"No sh*t. Anyways comedown here to the Sandy Hotel in Venturas. I need help"

"Listen, I'm helping out a client here in Fierro, so"

 

Instead, you need to place punctuation at the ends of these sentences:

 

 

"Sounds like a rough patch."

"No sh*t. Anyways comedown here to the Sandy Hotel in Venturas. I need help."

"Listen, I'm helping out a client here in Fierro, so."

 

Now, here I've used full-stops (periods, if you're American), but at other times a comma may be more appropriate, this depends on the second thing you need to include: attribution. This determines who it is that is speaking - at it's most basic level, it would be "said ____ (character name, for example 'Zero')". You don't need to include this after every single piece of dialogue, but you need to include enough so that the reader understand who is speaking. For example:

 

 

"Sounds like a rough patch," Zero said.

"No sh*t. Anyways comedown here to the Sandy Hotel in Venturas. I need help," I replied.

"Listen, I'm helping out a client here in Fierro, so."

 

Now, notice how when there is attribution, the punctuation changes from a full-stop to a comma - this is a subtle, yet important, feature of dialogue. Check the pinned 'Guide to Writing' topic for a good section on attribution, written by BrassKnuckles - that should give you an outline of what it is and how best to incorporate it.

 

Now, dialogue aside, there's a few further little mistakes. Firstly, I'd eliminate the use of onomatopoeia - "ring, ring, ring!" - it sounds extremely childish and is completely unneeded. Instead, just start the next passage with "I awoke to the ringing of my phone", for example.

 

A further mistake is to do with tense switching, which dictates when the piece is set, for example past, present or future. Now, the piece is clearly set in the past, and so you've used past tense accordingly - however, there are one or two slipups where you've instead used vocabulary from the present tense:

 

 

I hung up the phone and tucked Julia into the bed. Something has come over me like a caged beast that was waiting to be released.

 

 

It was Zero and some tall guy with a cockney accent that I have never seen before.

 

In both of these examples, you should've used "had", as opposed to 'has' and 'have'.

[GTAwarrior]

I won't add the next chapter til tomorrow. Also Wednesday I start camp so I might not be on WD as often.

[GTAwarrior]

Does anyone know the aristocrats joke? Because i would like to start a topic where i write my version of the joke and the replier posts their version and so on and so forth so everyone on WD could write their version.

 

So do you think this is a good idea?

 

 

-GTAwarrior

[gta phil gta]

Does anyone know the aristocrats joke? Because i would like to start a topic where i write my version of the joke and the replier posts their version and so on and so forth so everyone on WD could write their version.

 

So do you think this is a good idea?

 

 

-GTAwarrior

No, and you should've posted this in the 'writer's ideas' topic.

[GTAwarrior]

I have one question : Does anyone enjoy this? Because if no one does, I have the perfect solution. I have started an epic of Microsoft word that I think is far superior than this garbage known as the Pharmacist, so if anyone does like this like me the author please say so, so I can end it and continue with my epic "An Everyday Thing".

[Carbine23]

No! You have to stop doing that. You keep abandoning ideas because you don't get a lot of feedback or people don't think the plot is good. You can improve. For example, my new short story didn't do so well because it was written horribly so i'm going back to fix it up whenever i can. You should do the same. For the microsoft idea, keep it in a pile and share it with the GTAforum community when you are done with your other works. Usually its not a problem to do new stories but you have made a load of topics just in one section.

[GTAwarrior]

ok thanks for the feed back. i'll finish this while writing the other one but not posting it on WD. when the fanfic is finished i'll post my epic about a frycook who goes to fantasy land with pirates and talking frogs and machine guns.

[Lethal Nizzle]

ok thanks for the feed back. i'll finish this while writing the other one but not posting it on WD. when the fanfic is finished i'll post my epic about a frycook who goes to fantasy land with pirates and talking frogs and machine guns.

Sounds like a certain hit, will definitely be up with there with the greats.

 

Anyway, I like the idea. Just need to develop your writing; although you could've focused on El Pianista Cubano more, since that was definitely original to most pieces on here.

[GTAwarrior]

Chapter Three: Planning

I sat on a domino table at the back of the room. Kent and Zero brought a map of Las Venturas to the table. We sat together and while I was getting ready to say my plan.

"C'mon mate, tell us the plan!!!" Kent said about to light cigarette. I plopped a mint in my dry and parched mouth and said "Listen closely, on Friday I'll pull up to the service entrance in the back of the V-Rock and whack a employee. Take his card and stealthily make my way to the counting room, meanwhile Kent goes to give his old aquaitance Mr. Jones and distracts him as Zero makes some kind of contraption and messes with the lights and boom we're in!".

"One problem Banky, how the f*ck am I suppose to make a "contraption" if all MY SH*T is in Fierro! And Kent never met Lazlow!" Zero impatiently said gripping his baseball cap. He his he played with a toothpick inside his mouth. "Okay we move the thing to Saturday, tonight you'll get your stuff and Kent will call Vercetti to make Lazlow approachable. How's that!" I said very upset and almost sweaty.

"Sorry bloke, but me and Vercetti haven't talked since 86 and that wanker isn't the nicest guy around. Also he used the beat the sh*t outta me!" Kent says talking through his smoke.

I was so upset with the constant changing of plans I made an outburst "Fine! What's your plan f*cker!". "Mate take it easy. Don't emotional. A little anger never hurt anybody. Alright, I'll act all 'gentleman' like and find a lady friend. Bang her and take her card, then Zero messes with the power, I hand you the card and we both go to the counting room! And this way we don't kill anyone!" Kent replied finishing his smoke.

"Okay, fine let's do it your way. Zero any questions" I said as Zero nodded. I then added "Get your sh*t together and we go to Fierro tonight!". That night I let Julia stay at my sister's and the guys and I went to San Fierro.

We drove on a bridge that had potholes and cracks. One of those holes had a spike. The car became extremely bumpy and the spike punctured the front tire and made the car swerve. "Sh*t!" I yelled holding onto the dashboard. The right side of the car started scraping against the railing. The car came to an extreme halt, sending my face into the dashboard releasing the airbag. "(muffled voice) We need to hitch!" I said. Seconds later, we stepped out of the car and raised our thumbs for oncoming traffic.

Edited July 3, 2008 by GTAwarrior

[Oblivionz]

Some errors in your sentences, things like "Me and the guys" really seem to stand out to me.

It's supposed to be "The guys and I", for one. The rest of things I see are spelling mistakes, which are easily fixable.

You should make friends with the enter button though, and lessen the dialog. I don't see much story there, only talking.

[GTAwarrior]

I edited my previous chapter, fixing grammar and spelling errors, and I added an extra paragraph. Enjoy!

[Vercetti21]

 

No! You have to stop doing that. You keep abandoning ideas because you don't get a lot of feedback or people don't think the plot is good. You can improve.

Aside form Eminence's criticism, this is the best piece of advice you've gotten. You need to stop cycling through ideas all at once, abandoning them one after the other when you suddenly come up with a "better" idea. Stop that. I realize many ideas come to you at once, but when you're already in the process of writing a novel, you need to keep that idea in the back of your head and finish what you've started.

 

Second, being your unofficial mentor, I've finally read through this piece and I will be completely honest with you: it isn't good. For one, the characters don't appeal to me, and thus I don't care for the story. The writing itself needs a lot of work, as there are spelling and grammar errors all over the place. Does that mean I want you to ditch the idea? No. Instead, I'm going to help you overcome those flaws, and I want you to use this piece as practice for your future projects. Don't write another thing on WD until you've finished this.

 

Let's look at the prologue:

 

 

Prologue (Las Venturas 1999)

My names is Andrew Banky and I'm pathetic.I work at the pharmacy across the street of the V-Rock hotel. I totally want to be at the main window of Lazlow Jones' suite. To have my eyes cascade down to see everything on the street, but I work here. I live a sad life where I'm just a white-collar guy. I picked pharmacist because I'm afraid of heights and escalators. I'm so bored that I eat four times a day just to past the time. I'm addicted to gum, starlight mints, and blue Gatorade. I chew 8 packs of gum a day and I am embarrassed that my wife hates my guts and only sticks with me to take care of our three-year old daughter.

My life is so pathetic that I count the number of traffic lights from my house to work. But things are about to change, I want more from my boring and mundane life something far greater. I'm so pathetic I don't even own a gun in a crime ridden town. Some guy named CJ robbed the pharmacy a few days ago, thank God I wasn't there.

So now, when I can't take being yelled at by my wife or being mocked by the V-Rock hotel, I'm going to rob Lazlow Jones for every cent he owns and show to everyone in the world that I'm not a p*ssy.

At a first glance, without reading anything, ask yourself in all honesty: does this appeal to you? Chunky paragraphs are a big negative if you want feedback on your work. People are more likely to read something if it is attractive to the eye. So, you need to space out your paragraphs. As I said in another thread, begin a new paragraph whenever a character begins talking. Leave a space between the title of the chapter and the actual chapter itself. Learn to use forum code, change the size of the title, add color, etc. (if you need help with doing any of that, just let me know.)

 

Secondly, what you've written has no depth. What exactly do I mean by that? I mean, the reader isn't pulled into the story. One way to solve that is to lengthen the chapter, which speaks for itself. You could also have some major, exciting event happen. Another way (and this is my personal favorite for beginning chapters) is to explore the protagonist a bit more. Give us a backstory on him, have him show emotions, etc. and don't just describe his physical appearance. Look what you've given us here:

 

 

I'm addicted to gum, starlight mints, and blue Gatorade. I chew 8 packs of gum a day...

Do we really need to know that the character likes gum, mints, and gatorade? I understand that you're trying to show the character's life as boring, but insignifigant little details like this should be of the lowest priority when the reader is learning about the character. If you want us to care about the story, we have to care about the plot, or what happens to the characters. If you want us to care about the plot, we have to care about the characters. By saying that he chews a lot of gum; is that going to make us care about him? No. On top of that, I couldn't care less about how the guy felt when he caught his wife cheating on him solely because I don't know the guy. We don't know about him, and thus we feel distant from his feelings.

 

You can easily fix the spelling and grammar errors by writing everything in Microsoft Word, which will automatically check for both of those. Fix any mistakes it spots. When you have proofread that, transfer it over here.

[GTAwarrior]

I just overhauled the story. I edited the prologue and first three chapters drastically, please reread and give me feedback! Thank you!

[GTAwarrior]

i WONT ADD another chapter until monday or tuesday because Im going on a trip.

[Vercetti21]

Erm, you've improved spelling/grammar-wise, but you still need to space out your paragraphs.

[GTAwarrior]

Chapter Four: The Truth About San Fierro

As we walkedon the bridge, a fierce marijuana aroma entered my nostril. I sniffed as Kent and Zero mindlessly babbled away. A pyschedelic multi-colored school bus drove by.

"Hello, peace lovers!" an old hippie called. He was the driver of the bus. I could see about fourteen plants behind him. Kent and Zero stopped blabbering and looked at the hippie.

"Truth!" the two simultaneously called. I looked at Kent and Zero and realized how they knew such an oddball like the Truth. He invited us to enter his bus, which really destroyed my brain and nose. The grass smell was so strong I became intoxicated and dizzy. We drove through the north of San Fierro as we realized we were only about twelve miles from Zero's RC shop.

I was so tense that the Truth looked at me and asked "Would you like some Bigg Green?" I looked around to see Kent and Zero acting strange and making childish chicken noises. I asked the Truth "What the hell are they on?" he tilted his head to see the center of my face. "Peyote. Now do you want Bigg Green? It's the strongest thing I've ever made. It's weed, lemon zest, oil, and sprinkled cocaine" I just stared at him for a few moments. How in God's name could someone concoct something so... STUPID! I mean just the sound of that doesn't sit with me well. But I was so tense that I nodded. I'll give it try. I lit it up and began to puff.

Woah!!!! I was so out of it. Kent looked like an animated Uncle Sam, Zero looked like Homer Simpson, and Truth looked like a freakish version of Santa Claus. It felt like the bus was.... well... flying! That's the only way I could put it. I had never done drugs before, but I felt good in a way. But I shouldn't have.

Apparently I smacked the Truth out of the driver seat and we crashed into a Burger Shot. Boy was I in a strange situation. But why was the SWAT there?

 

 

TUNE IN NEXT TIME! SORRY IF YOU THINK THE STORY IS GETTING OVER-THE-TOP or EVEN.. WELL.. STUPID. I understand.