Continuation

[Exfernis]

(My first fanfic)

 

Continuation - Life after GTAIII

 

 

The Liberty City skyline glowed orange in front of Claude’s eyes, sitting amass blood stained bodies of the now fallen Colombian Cartel. Claude’s eyes focused on the helicopter sinking deeper into the waters; Catalina’s deceased body was in there somewhere, her flesh burned and bones turned charcoal. “I finally got her.” ran through Claude’s mind, setting a smile upon his scarred face. He continued to reminisce over the events that happened not that long ago, until a female voice broke his reverie. “C’mon Fido, I need a shower!” Maria told him, evidently annoyed she wasn’t up to her normal standards of being clean. Claude stood up, and pointed the loaded M4 into her chest. Maria’s face went from looking arrogant, to looking scared and fearful. Feeling she had got the hint, Claude threw the gun into the waters, as police sirens filled his ears. “Let’s get going now” exclaimed Maria, as police and other law enforcement officials flooded into the area.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[poikly]

(My first fanfic)

 

Continuation - Life after GTAIII

 

 

The Liberty City skyline glowed orange in front of Claude’s eyes, sitting amass blood stained bodies of the now fallen Colombian Cartel. Claude’s eyes focused on the helicopter sinking deeper into the waters; Catalina’s deceased body was in there somewhere, her flesh burned and bones turned charcoal. “I finally got her.” ran through Claude’s mind, setting a smile upon his scarred face. He continued to reminisce over the events that happened not that long ago, until a female voice broke his reverie. “C’mon Fido, I need a shower!” Maria told him, evidently annoyed she wasn’t up to her normal standards of being clean. Claude stood up, and pointed the loaded M4 into her chest. Maria’s face went from looking arrogant, to looking scared and fearful. Feeling she had got the hint, Claude threw the gun into the waters, as police sirens filled his ears. “Let’s get going now” exclaimed Maria, as police and other law enforcement officials flooded into the area.

Nice!

I'll follow this.

[Struff Bunstridge]

Just an honest question: I've only been writing in WD for about a week, but I've already noticed there are an awful lot of fanfics. In fact, I'd say they make up the majority of stuff on page 1 of the library. What makes you think you can do something different?

[Rhoda]

I've always been a fan of III, both as a good, solid game and also a foundation for some writing as the ending emits an ambiguous vibe. I like the sound of this to be honest, and if done right, this could be one of the more stronger pieces following the overused device of following on from III. I'll be watching this, but don't disappoint!

 

EDIT: In fact, I'm going to add something for a change, as all I seem to do is say how good or bad something is, and I've just noticed it actually. This...

 

 

Catalina’s deceased body was in there somewhere, her flesh burned and bones turned charcoal. “I finally got her.” ran through Claude’s mind, setting a smile upon his scarred face.  He continued to reminisce over the events that happened not that long ago, until a female voice broke his reverie. “C’mon Fido, I need a shower!” Maria told him, evidently annoyed she wasn’t up to her normal standards of being clean. Claude stood up, and pointed the loaded M4 into her chest. Maria’s face went from looking arrogant, to looking scared and fearful. Feeling she had got the hint, Claude threw the gun into the waters, as police sirens filled his ears. “Let’s get going now” exclaimed Maria, as police and other law enforcement officials flooded into the area.

 

... should really be this...

 

 

Catalina’s deceased body was in there somewhere, her flesh burned and bones turned charcoal.

“I finally got her.” ran through Claude’s mind, setting a smile upon his scarred face.  He continued to reminisce over the events that happened not that long ago, until a female voice broke his reverie.

“C’mon Fido, I need a shower!” Maria told him, evidently annoyed she wasn’t up to her normal standards of being clean. Claude stood up, and pointed the loaded M4 into her chest. Maria’s face went from looking arrogant, to looking scared and fearful. Feeling she had got the hint, Claude threw the gun into the waters, as police sirens filled his ears.

“Let’s get going now” exclaimed Maria, as police and other law enforcement officials flooded into the area.

 

...as a new piece of dialogue should really start on the next line, especially when another person replies to the previous character, though that doesn't apply with this chapter.

 

I'm also going to be intrigued at how you're going to communicate through Claude as it's evident through this chapter he's not speaking, or at least not yet. I'm unsure as to whether you're remaining faithful to III by leaving him mute or you're going to break that tradition to make it easier to communicate through Claude more fluently. You're doing a good job describing his emotions, actions and intentions without speech as it is, so this will be interesting.

Edited May 27, 2008 by Masterkraft

[Danny Phoenix]

You know what, I'm glad to see Maria alive for once. I've always liked her.

[Exfernis]

Pulling into his apartment complex, Claude stepped out of the freshly stolen Banshee, nudging the sleeping Maria. Receiving no response, he calmly walked to the door. As he did so, he fingered the handle of his pistol; He was one of the most wanted men in the state, by gangs and Law Enforcement. Suddenly, a bullet tore through the air like a scream, disrupting the calmness. Claude instinctivley dived behind a vending machine, It's contents proceeding to spill out onto the floor. Cocking the Colt 45', Claude rolled out from behind the machine, and sprayed bullets as fast as the gun would allow. The opposing Yakuza dropped dead, blood spraying everywhere. Claude proceeded to pick off as many threats as possible, earning himself an M4 in the process. It was over as soon as it had come, and silence was restored. Without warning, gunshots attacked the floor around Claude. Not coming from ground level, but from a helicopter.

"This is for Kenji!" screamed the man to be identified as Kenji's father. A hailstorm of bullets thundered down to the ground below, barely missing Claude. Diving through the doors of his apartment, he literally sprinted up the stairs to his room. Unlocking the door, Claude snatched an AK-47 from under the bed, then proceeded to load it. Crouching down, he crept to the open balcony. Donning the gun, Claude rolled out, and shot at the helicopter. The bullets tore through the metal, instanly piercing the drivers heart. Kenji's father tried to shoot, but his energy levels dropped to zero, and he collapsed onto the floor of the helicopter, which slowly descended to the floor. Claude went back inside, and closed the balcony doors. Heading outside, Claude noticed Maria had woken. "Hey Fido, What have I missed?" she asked.

[Rhoda]

It's actually looking good, and the lack of dialogue is interesting. It allows room for more description and more concentrated action scenes, as we've seen. Though it's too short to add anything else really, I like what I see so far.

[mark-2007]

I like it too, you describe each scene well - very simple and GTA-like, I think. However...

 

 

Donning the gun, Claude rolled out, and shot at the helicopter. The bullets tore through the metal, instanly piercing the drivers heart. Kenji's father tried to shoot, but his energy levels dropped to zero, and he collapsed onto the floor of the helicopter, which slowly descended to the floor. Claude went back inside, and closed the balcony doors. Heading outside, Claude noticed Maria had woken. "Hey Fido, What have I missed?" she asked.

 

I know it's up to you how the story is plotted out, but I think the driver being killed instantly was a bid convenient, "his energy levels dropped to zero" sounded a bit stupid and Maria not even waking up through a gun battle a little improbable. I think you could have written more about these and it would make the chapter a bit longer.

 

Overall, I think it's quite good.