Kate

[Chickstick]

KATE

 

one of three

 

The darkness retreated slowly, and with pain. She groaned as the dull throbbing sensation in her forehead rose, and then fell again, mercifully, just as quickly. Her mouth was a desert, and as she moved her tongue- or at least made a valiant attempt to- she was surprised by friction as it moved against something coarse and tough. A piece of rag, perhaps, or a cloth of some kind.

 

Panic had not yet sunk in. That occurred when she tried to move her arms, which seemed to be weighed down behind her, like lead. Instead of movement; sweet, blessed movement, she was greeted by the unpleasant tingling feeling of rope against skin. Her heart thumped in her chest, seemingly ready to jump out in bloody glory any second. She tried her legs, and found they too had been tied. She opened her eyes.

 

Dazzling sunlight glared into them, blinding her for a second, and making her gasp in surprise. She snapped her lids shut, waiting for a while- how long; she didn’t know- for the mild discomfort in them to recede, and then slowly, carefully, opened them to the light.

 

The sight of an empty room greeted her, devoid of anything but a pile of newspapers in the corner and a glass, full-length mirror on the wall facing her. No door could be seen; she assumed it must be behind her or to the side. She had been positioned in front of the mirror, about three or four yards away.

 

The mirror was blotted all over with what looked like blood and excrement, dashed in haphazard blotches the full length of the polished glass. Amid this evidence of another human being actually having once been in this room, sat Kate Bishop, twenty-four, a brunette university student with aspirations to become a high paid lawyer in the city. She looked about as far away from being a high paid lawyer as one could possibly get.

 

She had been tied to a hard steel chair, her feet tied to the legs of them, forcing her knees apart, while her hands had been forced behind her, lashed together tightly with a tough rope which projected an irritating pain into her wrists.

 

She was still fully clothed- thank heaven for small mercies- in the short skirt, floral vest and stockings she had put on the previous night (or was it the previous night? She did not, after all, know how long she had been knocked out) while preparing for her dorm party. Her skirt, though had ridden up her legs, revealing her favourite underwear, a black g-string with more frills than an Elton John concert. She attempted to shift her skirt down again. Having failed to do so, she did what she always did when annoyed, and moved her head backwards, sweeping her glorious brown hair back in a single move. She stared into the mirror and tried to scream.

 

Above the gag, a crude rag which had been stuffed into her mouth and tied round the back of her neck, were etched these words into her cheeks, blood running in thin trickles from the deep indentations: Hi honey.

[Struff Bunstridge]

That's bloody frightening, Chickstick. The only thing that disappoints me slightly is that there'll only be three parts! Seriously, though, I'm intrigued as to how you intend to develop and finish the story satisfactorily in only two more installments. Keep 'em coming!

[Ronmar The Only]

Very nice. I suppose you noticed by my own topic that I like long pieces. I shall hope that the other two parts will be longer than this.

[Chickstick]

Yeah, the last two parts are much, much longer than this first one. The opening part was just to introduce the main character and her situation really. I like to get to that point pretty quickly in shorter stories, hence the short chapter.

[Oxidizer]

You're one sick puppy.

 

I'm looking forward to seeing the rest of this and finding out what happens to Kate. Very good.

[Rhoda]

Fantastic work, and it makes me wonder what sort of ending could come of it, with there being only 3 parts. It's very disturbing, and makes me feel uneasy at the thought of something as simple as being restrained described so well.

[Eminence]

From the top...

 

I didn't like the choice of the word mercifully in describing her fall to the floor in the opening. It seems to subvert the process a little; yes, she may be begging for mercy as she falls to the floor, but to describe her acting in a merciful way seems out of place, as she is in no position to have mercy on those before her. See what I'm getting at? It's the other way round, so it seems out of place because as much as she is begging for mercy, she herself can't act in a merciful way as she's the one in captivity.

 

Following just on from this, why incorporate such a cliche? A cliche not only because of its content, but because of its inclusion altogether. Figured out what phrase I'm referring to yet? See if you can guess. Yeah, it's that good old metaphor; "her mouth was a desert". Urgh. Such bland description - a desert, really? So, it was dry, yep? It reminds me of those school stories where you were encouraged to just include a simile or metaphor as a literary device, just for the sake of having it in there as you'd get an extra mark for it. It's too cliche - it's the first thing you'd think of to describe something dry; a desert. When including similes and/or metaphors, I'd suggest that you do so as sparingly as possible. In addition, in order for it to be effective, it has to be unconventional, unique. Something you wouldn't expect. Using the same tired old metaphors time and time again is far from effective, unless the effect you're going for is to deter the reader from being engaged in the piece.

 

A little later, and there's a sense of informality in the narrative itself; generally not something you want in a third person piece. The incorporation of unconventional, informal and colloquial language styles in the narrative voice can be executed extremely effectively, no doubt - usually through the use of first-person, mind - but incorporating one phrase in this manner again seems out of place and draws the reader out of what's being said. I'm referring to the finishing line of this paragraph, "A piece of rag, perhaps, or a cloth of some kind." Now, really I'm nitpicking a little, but it's just the incorporation of the phrase "perhaps" that took me out of the narrative style at this point. It sounds like someone literally telling the story, perhaps, around a campfire (see what I did there? ). It's informal and as though the narrative itself has a conscious voice of its own, debating on whether or not it was a piece of rag or a cloth. In the case of this type of story, this isn't what you want - your narrative voice is there to tell the reader what's there; what happened. No ifs, no buts. It knows - so tell the reader, don't debate with yourself.

 

Now, this is your introduction. In my opinion, the introduction is one of - if not the most - important aspects of a piece. It draws the reader in, sets the tone for the whole piece - it has to be engaging. An effective introduction is what brings the reader into the story, and without it, no matter how good your ending might be, the reader may never get there. So, you must analyse and perfect your introductions, making them as effective as possible. Every word, phrase, device; every aspect of its structure must be perfect, and there for a reason. Without it, you leave holes - gaps - flaws in the introduction that detract from the reading experience. This is the case with yours. To some, it may seem fine, but to others, less so. I'd just begun reading this when all of a sudden these two flaws jump straight out at me, and the inner critic can't help but pick up on them. It detracts from my experience reading it - I'm no longer focusing on the narrative you're weaving, and instead mulling over the imperfections in your introduction. Not the best start, is it?

 

But I digress. Oh no wait, I don't - I carry on a little further only to find another simile!

 

 

"Her arms, which seemed to be weighed down behind her, like lead"

 

After my earlier lecture, do you now see the point I'm trying to make? It all seems so academically written, trying to incorporate these grassroots devices in order to score points - it's not effective description; too basic and simple.

 

The informal narrative style also continues:

 

 

Instead of movement; sweet, blessed movement,

 

Again out of place, and just overall detractive in terms of the atmosphere of the narrative. "Sweet, blessed movement" - it just doesn't fit in with the tense, horrific atmosphere being built up, and you'd be better off just not including these types of references.

 

Reading back over this paragraph, there's another slight problem, in that it all becomes a little bit dictating.

 

 

she was greeted by the unpleasant tingling feeling of rope against skin. Her heart thumped in her chest, seemingly ready to jump out in bloody glory any second. She tried her legs, and found they too had been tied. She opened her eyes.

 

Another elementary mistake - you've no doubt read about it numerous times, only to incorporate it in your own piece! It's not as bad as other examples I can remember criticizing - it's more disguised than that, in-between little similes and slight description. But it's still there, and that's the key point. She did this, her heart was like this, she did this and then did that. It's disguised, but evident.

 

A little repetition later on hurts the flow that had begun to build up through some good description within the preceding paragraphs:

 

 

She had been tied to a hard steel chair, her feet tied to the legs of them

 

Again, the informal diction crept back into the piece, with brackets - yes brackets! I'd stray away from ever using them in a narrative, myself, although they can of course be implemented effectively on occasion. Still, the incorporation of "(or was it the previous night? She did not, after all, know how long she had been knocked out)" just screams of being out of place; work this key detail into the story another way, but as it stands, it's yet another aspect of the narrative that detracts from the atmosphere.

 

 

...with more frills than an Elton John concert.

 

Another informal piece of description, the worst example of it so far. I would definitely not include anything of this nature - especially when it concerns something to do with pop culture in order to induce humour. It's one of the parts of the piece that I actually despised; I can not understand your logic in incorporating it as a linguistic device. Not only does it involve pop culture and therefore ruin the universality of the piece (what if someone were to read this in 20 years time? They, surely, wouldn't specifically understand the logic of this joke) but it also detracts from the atmosphere - why include some comedic relief to the piece when the narrative picture you're trying to build up is one of tension, horror and claustrophobia? Incorporating a joke in this manner detracts completely from this, and undoes all of the work in trying to build up this harsh, disturbing atmosphere; following on from this you have to begin building up the same atmosphere again, as you've at the very least subliminally influenced the reader and reduced any semblance of a disturbing atmosphere that has been created.

 

Furthermore, the description within this paragraph takes on a little too much physicality, almost to the point of perversion. It yet again undoes any work you've done previously to build up a disturbing, horrific atmosphere - you go on to describe her g-string and her glorious hair, hardly in keeping with the dark subject matter. It's all too much relief, and it makes the piece a little less effective because of it.

 

Introduction and conclusion aside, the piece started to build up some flow and pace thanks to some effective description, which I liked. Some simple lines and phrases I though were implemented well, for example:

 

 

and then slowly, carefully, opened them to the light.

 

These little pieces of description accumulated to create a solid atmosphere for the piece - dark and disturbing. However, as I've mentioned, the downfall is in the opening, as it takes a little while before this atmospheric flow even begins. And, as I've also mentioned, this work is undone by the piece's finale; the atmosphere dissipates and we're left with comedic devices, physical description and a final shocking piece of description, but by then it's too late and the effect of the overall piece has so far been undermined by its flaws.

 

Roll on the next installment; I hope I've less to say!

[Chickstick]

Thanks Eminence. Having read through your points and then through my original post again, the flaws are pretty much staring me directly in the face. I can't say much more than that really, I didn't even think of them so cheers for pointing them out.

 

I'll work on the whole thing again and address the errors you pointed out.

[Eminence]

I wouldn't say that's totally necessary - you could leave what's done as it is and continue on with the next part taking those things on board. If not, though, feel free to redraft what you've got so far and we'll take a look at how it changes. Don't overwrite it, though; keep a copy of this draft and compare them too see how it changes and develops.

[Vercetti21]

Finally got around to reading this, and I love it. Particularly with the first two introductory paragraphs, your attention to all five senses is incredible, and makes the story and character feel so human. You had me literally drooling on the keyboard, although that may just be my fatigue at the moment. Anyways, great work. When can we expect the next installment?