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A day in the life


Gouveia

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A Day in the Life

 

He slept. All of sudden, the radio turned itself on, the DJ saying "...with a max of sixteen celsius! Hell yeah, it's gonna be a cold day! Remember today, Thursday, we have a MotoPoint at Middle Park, so get your Hellfuries working and let's rock!"

 

And then "Born to be Wild" started playing. Paul woke up, angry. He was having the most awesome dream about where he would want to go and whom he would want to see in his birthday, just a few days away.

 

He went to shower as usual. That would be a tough day at school, lots of exams and he hadn't studied for any of them...

 

"Good morning dad," he greeted as he walked into the living room.

 

"You have tests today, son, you better be damn sure you know the subjects!" the man replied. Paul, not entirely conscious of his actions at 5AM in the morning, started arguing, to which his father replied "The only thing you ever do to me is make me poorer each day! You're just another bill for me to pay!"

 

Paul was deeply offended and sad at that. He picked up his backpack and left the apartment, slamming the door shut on his way out.

 

His life was utterly tough. His parents weren't the worst ones, but that didn't made them the best ones either. All his acquaintances mocked him, and he only had few people to talk to. The only one he knew in person, his girlfriend, was really nice to him, having never hurt him whatsoever.

 

Upon reaching school, he was beaten by some bullies as usual and had all his books torn apart a little more.

 

"One day, they'll get what they're asking for... Just wait," he thought.

 

It was very cold that day, even for a cold city like his. He couldn't concentrate much during his exams and ended up failing all of them. After getting back his last exam, everyone was making fun of him, saying things like "Look! You got a straight F Flush!" or simpler things like "Dial F for Failure, jerk!" He didn't want to show those grades to his parents, ashamed of himself.

 

"sh*t, I'll be pretty f*cked up when my parents see this," he said to himself on his way home. He was right, and thereafter he was grounded and beaten by his parents.

 

"I SAID YOU SHOULD GET GOOD GRADES!" his father said.

 

At the end of it all he could barely walk and his face was bleeding.

 

"I gotta talk to her," he thought. He knew that talking to the person he most loved would make him feel better. She always did, what could be different?

 

So he turned on his PC and logged onto IM. Clicked her nickname and started talking about his day. Indeed talking to her about the soon-to-come birthday he would spend with her made him feel better. But, all of sudden, she send:

 

"Paul... We gotta talk..."

 

A shiver ran through his body.

 

"Ok, dear, just say it," he typed. There was a pause of about a minute. He was really scared at the thought of losing her, he didn't want that to happen.

 

"I'm... Dating... Another guy."

 

"Oh... My... f*cking... God," he mumbled.

 

Paul couldn't feel his emotions. He was, at the same time, scared, angry and confused. He couldn't think right. He kicked down his bedroom door. His dad shouted something he didn't understand. In a desperate act, he grabbed a pen and a piece of paper and ran to the elevator, pressing the "18" button.

 

On his way up, he wrote a letter leaving a message to everyone he cared about. He concluded with

 

"For those who made me feel like a god and those who made me feel like sh*t, goodbye. I had my reasons."

 

As the elevator door opened, he started to hold the letter close to his chest. He walked up to the top of the building's cliff and looked down at all the people on the streets. Happy people. He couldn't stand that, he didn't want it anymore. He started to cry in pain and anger and quietly said:

 

"Goodbye, life."

 

--------------------------

 

As most of the new incoming texts here, I did this while I had nothing else to do. Well, this story is based on real facts (well, the end is changed, because as you can see, I'm still alive),

 

I know, it was kind of cheating using a Spell Checker called "Sinful" lol.gif But, most of it is intact, it was just written in a better way.

 

Sooo, C&C guys smile.gif

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Now let's see some constructive criticism (what a difficult pair of words, ffs).

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The Unvirginiser

Hmm

Was okay for a first attempt, lots of grammer errors but I'll let you off since your first language is Portugese.

Was very depressing and seemed to be honest, a bit pointless.

I mean that in the nicest way possible, it didn't really have a beginning middle and end.

It was just, like you said, you re-telling the story of somebodie's sh*tty day.

I think you are capable of a lot more than that mate, try to put more imagination in to your story telling.

 

icon14.gif

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Thanks for the criticism biggrin.gif

 

Yeah, but I'm not really used to writing... Sometimes I have some good ideas, just don't feel like posting it (I don't know, I feel scared of something)

 

Next time, I promise that I'll deliver something good... Well, I at least think so biggrin.gif

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The Unvirginiser

It was good, good idea.

Seemed very rushed, you need to read how people describe what is happening.

Instead of saying

"He failed all his exams"

Describe the scene of him in the class receiving his results, add dialouge of hima rguing with his classmates who take the piss.

 

See what I mean? It can easily be expanded and worked on.

 

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It was good, good idea.

Seemed very rushed, you need to read how people describe what is happening.

Instead of saying

"He failed all his exams"

Describe the scene of him in the class receiving his results, add dialouge of hima rguing with his classmates who take the piss.

 

See what I mean? It can easily be expanded and worked on.

Yeah, I knew you would pick on that tounge.gif

 

I will try to work it out more, then I'll edit that post. Hope it gets good.

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Was okay for a first attempt, lots of grammer errors but I'll let you off since your first language is Portugese.

 

Criticism FAIL!

 

lawl, just joking, mate.

 

But yeah, I agree it was rather pointless and utterly depressing.

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I don't get how it can be pointless. For me at least, it kept me reading to the end and I thought it was a nice attempt.

 

You should really work on describing a lot more - rather than him sleeping and being interrupted from sleep by the radio, try writing out the dream and then the radio cutting into it. Rather than saying he got beat up by bullies/his dad, describe what each punch felt like, the blood and gore sly.gif

user posted image
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I don't get how it can be pointless. For me at least, it kept me reading to the end and I thought it was a nice attempt.

 

You should really work on describing a lot more - rather than him sleeping and being interrupted from sleep by the radio, try writing out the dream and then the radio cutting into it. Rather than saying he got beat up by bullies/his dad, describe what each punch felt like, the blood and gore sly.gif

Yeah, I know about that. I'm working on a new story. I shaped the first chapters layout first, then I'm adding descriptions, emotions and all that stuff that makes stories with a not-so-cool plot at least decent icon14.gif

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Radio DJ as speech? So cliche.

 

Incorporating song title? So pointless and, to some extent, annoying.

 

 

He was having the most awesome dream

 

Oh my god, like, totally true story. Yeaahh, gagging with a spoon!

 

There's far too little description. Everything flashes by with no relevant detail or information being told to the reader, and, furthermore, we aren't introduced well enough to the character in order to care about the ending (which was so obvious and cliche from the moment the girlfriend character was introduced - it was obvious what direction the piece was heading towards).

 

Grammatically, it's fairly solid. Obviously there's some little errors, but as has been said, considering the language barrier it's excellent. Hard luck if the true events of the story are pertaining to you, and I hope my 'cliche' remarks aren't of any offense! tounge.gif

 

All in all, it's not detailed enough. It doesn't really establish an atmosphere or a reason for the reader to really empathise with the character - we are told he is beaten, but we aren't really told any more. There's no detail - the day was cold, as was the city. His face was bleeding. Where's the vivid imagery that paints a picture in the mind of the reader?

 

Focus more on describing your scenes in more detail, and the rest will come. It's a starting point, but it's got a lot of work to be done.

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Grammatically, it's fairly solid. Obviously there's some little errors, but as has been said, considering the language barrier it's excellent. Hard luck if the true events of the story are pertaining to you, and I hope my 'cliche' remarks aren't of any offense! tounge.gif

Ops, sorry, that was me there. moto_whistle.gif

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