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I need help


Stig

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EDIT- I tried my hand at writing one, tell me what you think, please.

 

 

 

A Glass.

 

This glass sits on my table

but it is very dirty

I wish it could move by itself but its not able

its been there for a couple days, to be exact, thirty.

 

It is a clear glass

one not so big in size

the inside smells like a bad gas

so do not smell it, I strongly advise!

 

It is surrounded by junk

and other random things

so I normally just throw them on my top bunk.

which is close to my ceiling

 

Maybe I should put the glass in the sink

maybe i should not

Whats in there now is no yummy drink

if it was, i would drink it, but now i cannot.

 

So I think I'll get off my seat

and try to be a little more neat.

 

A Glass.

 

Constructive criticism please

Edited by RadioIsotope
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Well, I can't remember much about sonnets so I'm not sure what they are - other than Shakespeare wrote a lot of them.

 

On to yours though... the rhymes seem really forced and don't work well at all. You draw out the number of syllables just to make it rhyme and it kind of pulls the whole rhyming structure out of place and sounds weird.

 

I don't know how to write poems though, so this is just from a readers perspective and I'm not sure on any tips to correct it.

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TonyZimmzy

Here's what a sonnet should be wow.gif.

 

I feel that I was meant for something more.

My curse, this awful power to unmake.

And ever since you found your taste for war.

You forced me onto those whose life you'd take.

 

While Guernica in peaceful valley lay.

And Dresden dreamed of anything but death.

The day was turned to night; and night to day.

You let me loose upon their fragile flesh.

 

And so I hid among the smaller things.

You found me there and ferried me above.

The flame deluge is waiting in the wings.

The smallest thread holds back the second flood.

 

And who will stand to greet the blinding light?

It's lonely when there's no one left to fight.

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