Project: Red Sky

[Typhus]

No point anymore.

Edited March 20, 2009 by Typhus

[Chickstick]

I really liked it. Characterisation was spot on; Lily's mother is a bitch and you wrote her as a bitch.

 

Great introduction, but the end paragraphs were a highlight for me. "The grinning face of the illogical, the photographer, drowned and dead and resting uneasily." What a great sentence.

 

Personally I think this is the best thing you've put out. Excellent characters really bring this up a level.

[Typhus]

No point anymore.

Edited March 20, 2009 by Typhus

[Chickstick]

As good as the first part, if not better. Although the characters are mostly absent the description again shines through. The city is described wonderfully.

 

It's a shame I seem to be the only one following this; it deserves to be read by more people.

[Typhus]

No point anymore.

Edited March 20, 2009 by Typhus

[Pat]

Very nice. You probably could've shaved off some of the description (a whole paragraph dedicated to describing the envelope?), but other than that, it was excelent.

 

Sorry for not commenting on the other two chapters. I usually don't say anything if I can't find anything wrong with it. Please do continue.

[Chickstick]

Good to see someone else following this, I'll give it a read later on so expect this post to be edited.

 

EDIT: Just read it through, and I have to say that is my favourite story in WD right now. Apart from what Pat has already mentioned about the description, pretty much no flaws caught my eye. Nice work.

Edited May 25, 2008 by Chickstick

[Typhus]

No point anymore.

Edited March 20, 2009 by Typhus

[Eminence]

I have yet to read all of this; just started. Here's my thoughts on what I've read thus far - that being chapter one.

 

 

But what her mother dealt out just happened to be the Claire Mason special; The cold and detached stare of a surgeon. No maternal love there, no siree, you’d have better luck organizing a paintball tournament in the Vatican.

 

These pop culture references enhance an informal aspect of the narrative; something I wouldn't usually incorporate in something third-person. Normally, I'd say they suit a first-person narrative to help establish the nature of the protagonist; that they speak informally - colloquially. With it being third, though, it just seems slightly out of place. Only slightly, mind; I half-interpret it as witty and imaginative descriptive references, but there's another part of me that just finds it slightly - I don't know - distasteful? I guess I'm just not really a fan of incorporating them in this manner, although there's nothing 'wrong' with it, per se.

 

There's a lot of incorrect punctuation with regards to the incorporation of dialogue. In the first chapter, a lot of the punctuation is simply missing. The main example is that before the quotation, you should, in general, break it up from the attribution by use of a comma or full-stop, depending on the circumstances. Perhaps not always, but in most cases, it makes for better flow to the piece - even such a small, simple thing as a comma. As it stands, much of yours simply features no punctuation either before or after a lot of quotations, making for confusing, flow-detracting reading.

 

(mistakes corrected in blue colour)

 

 

painted a smile on her face and responded, “glad to see me Mum?”

 

 

“Get in here quickly,” came her abashed whisper. “Before the neighbors see you.”

 

 

She took a sharp breath and forced a breezy chuckle. “Here and there, always had a roof over my head and food in the fridge, can’t really complain.” Partly this was true; a variety of menial jobs kept her head above water.

 

 

“Don’t worry,” Tony smiled, waving away her concern. “It’ll be up and running again in no time...

 

I think you get the picture from this. Of course, there may at times be slight variations where just commas are used to keep it all in one sentence, but the problem faced with this piece is a total lack of any punctuation - definitely detracting from the piece.

 

In addition, and again to do with dialogue, is the incorporation of a quote within a quote. In this case, just simply use a different type of quotation mark in order to signify this, as using the same one can make it appear confusing to read:

 

 

“Good girl. 'Fun costs, I always say'”

 

 

“constantly asking me 'are you done yet?' does not fall under my definition of 'help'”

 

One more little thing regarding dialogue is the need to place quotations from additional characters on a new line:

 

 

“Why aren’t you at the pub tonight?” Lily asked her father, not waiting to swallow her food before talking “someone covering for you?”

He shook his head and shrugged a little “the pub’s not there anymore, burnt down three months back”.

 

(The above example also features the lack of punctuation as previously pointed out)

 

The following line felt out of place more than anything else in the chapter:

 

 

Now that was something way too vivid ever to be forgotten.

 

Tying in with my first point, it seems too colloquial. It sounds like the voice of Lily herself, not the narrator, and is therefore something more akin to a first-person narrative than the one being established. As literary description, 'way' isn't really effective - and it detracts a little from the description which is, otherwise, excellent.

 

One of the final paragraphs went a little overkill with the use of similes - perhaps intentionally - but either way I think it seemed pretty forced and unneeded.

 

 

Lily looked at the window, through the frost and rain was a hand pressed against the glass, fingers tap dancing on the surface, deathly pale, as lined as a tree trunk. Chaos inflamed the room, the stench of fear as pungent as a dead dog. A plate flew into the air, sending globs of food in all directions, the table flew over with the force of three people jumping to their feet, over the sound of their shallow and deep breathing the smashing of plates and glasses were as unnoticeable as the slightest breeze.

 

The incorporation of three of the same device in such a short space of writing just detract from the flow of the piece - everywhere you look the description, which has up until now been vivid, varied and engaging, suddenly seems to have resorted to being 'as ___ as a...' in every sense of the phrase. It becomes a little repetitive.

 

Overall, it's an intriguing read. It's got an unconventionally naturalistic plot and narrative style, and it introduces a good few questions about the past of this character without really divulging any plot information at all - clever storytelling. The description is, for the most part, fresh and vivid; I especially liked the nostalgic references early on with regards to her routine with the backpack, for example.

 

The major downfall thus far is the incorporation of dialogue - every time it's there, which is a lot in this chapter as it is rather dialogue-heavy, it's punctuated incorrectly, detracting from the flow of the piece. If that were to be rectified, though, it's a pretty balanced and engaging piece, so other than that I enjoyed it. I'll get onto the next chapter soonish, hopefully.

[Typhus]

Thank you Eminence. I'm happy to be told where I'm going wrong.

The punctuation thing is especially worrying, no one's told me I was screwing up in all the years I've been doing this but ti's quite important so I want to get a grip on it.

Just for clarification, after a quote and a descriptive sentence there has to be a full stop?

For example:

 

 

"Where did this blood come from?" Wayne asked, the colour draining from his face "This doesn't look good".

 

Should ALWAYS be:

 

 

"Where did this blood come from?" Wayne asked, the colour draining from his face. "This doesn't look good".

 

Is that right? If so I've got a lot of work to do and have to try and get the hang of this.

Oh, and concerning the narration. Basically, what I'm doing is having a third person narration for the story but embelishing it with certain traits and opinions of each character. So the narrator, through observations and descriptive manner, can give the reader insight into the mind of each member of the family.

I think it will help you to see different characters in a new light. So whilst Tony may think Claire's smile is completely innocent. The narration during Lily's chapter will suggest that this isn't the case.

In any case, thank you once more for the great criticism (I've fixed specifically what you've pointed out but clearly have a lot more to do) and I hope that you can enjoy the rest of the story

[Pat]

"Where did this blood come from?" Wayne asked, the colour draining from his face. "This doesn't look good".

 

Is that right?

Yes.

 

Good job on the new (unfinished, going by your note) chapter. Unlike Eminence, I still can't find anything wrong with it. But, maybe for once, I'm not looking for errors while reading.

[Eminence]

As Pat's said, yeah, that's correct. BrassKnuckles' contribution to the Guide to Writing pinned at the top also features a handy little segment about attribution, helping with punctuation and whatnot. Once you get the hang of it it's all fairly simple, really, you've just got to remember a few key things.

 

 

1. Quotes

 

This is my major qualm. A quote should include quoted material (obviously) and attribution (optionally). The standards of attribution are not hard to figure out. Let's take a look at the incorrect and correct forms of attribution.

 

QUOTE (INCORRECT ATTRIBUTION)

• "What a stinky piece of cheese." Said Fred.

 

• "What a stinky piece of cheese." said Fred.

 

• "What a stinky piece of cheese." Was the reply from Fred's table.

 

• "That's one stinky piece of cheese!" Exclaimed Fred.

 

• "Could you break me off a hunk of that stinky cheese?" Asked Fred.

 

 

 

These forms are incorrect. Incorrect.

 

QUOTE (CORRECT ATTRIBUTION)

• "What a stinky piece of cheese," said Fred.

 

• "What a stinky piece of cheese," was the reply from Fred's table.

 

• "That's one stinky piece of cheese!" exclaimed Fred.

 

• "Could you break me off a hunk of that stinky cheese?" asked Fred.

 

 

Attribution always begins with a lower-case letter.

 

While not a comprehensive study of the implementation of quotes, it does serve to help with some of the more advanced basics, if you will.

 

Anyhoo, I'll have a read of chapter 2 a little later if I can.

 

 

Ah, and as an aside. Pat,

 

 

But, maybe for once, I'm not looking for errors while reading.

 

My fatal flaw!

[Typhus]

Okay, I have added the next part to the chapter. Complete with the correct grammar system Eminence told me about. As usua, see what you think of it and tell me where I can improve. Nothing ever seems quite right.

[Typhus]

No point anymore.

Edited March 20, 2009 by Typhus

[Chickstick]

I'll have a proper read later Typhus. Good to see this again.

[Struff Bunstridge]

I was gonna ask you if you planned to update this any time soon, Typhus. This is a wonderful chapter, probably my favourite in terms of vocab and such. I'm really impressed with how much I disliked Bratney, you captured his bastardness really well.

[Typhus]

Is there anything I could improve?

[Typhus]

No point anymore.

Edited March 20, 2009 by Typhus

[Typhus]

No point anymore.

Edited March 20, 2009 by Typhus

[Chickstick]

Two good chapters. A quick glance through for mistakes after reading it doesn't seem to reveal any mistakes, but I'll have another look later today when I've actually had some sleep. Some of the dialogue is excellent, really flows well.

[Typhus]

Two good chapters. A quick glance through for mistakes after reading it doesn't seem to reveal any mistakes, but I'll have another look later today when I've actually had some sleep. Some of the dialogue is excellent, really flows well.

What did you think of Wurmhare?

[Typhus]

No point anymore.

Edited March 20, 2009 by Typhus