Help for a friend

[nutboy]

Its scientifically proven that in the end beating your kids is a really bad idea in terms of effective parenting etc.

Too bad it works so damn well.........

[ryuclan]

Its scientifically proven that in the end beating your kids is a really bad idea in terms of effective parenting etc.

Too bad it works so damn well.........

I'm all for a whoopin in the name of discipline. sh*t, I know a couple kids that would straighten out quick wit a nice ass whoopin.

[just another thug]

Don't be angry at me because your parents are dirty, pot smoking fags.

I lol'd so hard.

 

I'm lucky to have the parents I have. They were about experiences, I needed to experience things for the understanding. It worked really well.

[Ronnyboy]

I would definetly find help for her. She could break at any moment and that would not help her situtaion.

 

But I have parents who came from old fashion up bringing. A swat across the ass, and a timeout to soothe your ass. It works, once you learn that something isn't right, it works. I am perfect and I listen to my parents do to this up bringing. So f*ck scientific fact, timeouts only work if you swat them in the ass.

[ryuclan]

I would definetly find help for her. She could break at any moment and that would not help her situtaion.

 

But I have parents who came from old fashion up bringing. A swat across the ass, and a timeout to soothe your ass. It works, once you learn that something isn't right, it works. I am perfect and I listen to my parents do to this up bringing. So f*ck scientific fact, timeouts only work if you swat them in the ass.

I don't see how that is scientifically proven anyway. Timeouts are bullsh*t. Wow, I have to sit for five minutes by myself....Sometimes all a kid needs is a litle bit of that leather-skin action.

[mike39]

You should support her. Be there for her (when she's allowed out). Send her notes. Try to be a good little boyfriend.

 

It's unlikely that, despite what she says now, she'll look for any outside interference or assistance. I've seen many of my friends go through similar issues with their parents. While social services, the courts, and foster programs do the best they can, what I would recommend most is family counseling. It doesn't seem like your girlfriend wants to entirely break off her relationship with her parents, and I know that it seems as if getting a higher power involved will force her parents to understand they're wrong, that is probably not going to help more than hurt.

 

She's not going to undo how her parents have raised her for the past fifteen years, and I know it seems like forever right now, but she's not far from being an adult. While her parents are strict, three years might as well be an eternity, and it seems like the end of the world, it's actually not. If it sounded like they were consistently beating her or inflicting lifelong emotional damage, that might be one thing, but the truth of the matter is that she'll probably just grow up thinking that her Dad is a dick. That's his own fault, and I'm sure he'll regret it at some point in time.

 

When you speak with a foster care specialist, most of them will explain that it needs to be dire to go through the motions necessary to seek a new family or even just to subject your family to routine inspections and stringent intervention. It might suck to have a strict family, but it sucks worse to deal with the pressures of a family on edge, unhappy with you, along with school and the various social stresses at that age.

 

So, like I said in the beginning, just try to help her through it and be there for her when you can. It's hard to suggest any definite course of action either you or her should take because these circumstances are coming from her perspective, then being translated by you - and neither are necessarily sources I would take to be accurate to any degree (no offense).

 

Good luck.

[lurchseesu420]

Why is everybody calling this abuse? If a kid f*cks up, a parent has the right to hit them as long as it's done with an open hand. This is the kind of sh*t that's wrong with the world today. Kid's need to have the living sh*t beat out of them. It's the only thing that gets through. The world is just too politically correct today. You can't do sh*t these days without having johnny law up your ass. It's bullsh*t I tell ya.

[Medaphoar]

Why is everybody calling this abuse? If a kid f*cks up, a parent has the right to hit them as long as it's done with an open hand. This is the kind of sh*t that's wrong with the world today. Kid's need to have the living sh*t beat out of them. It's the only thing that gets through. The world is just too politically correct today. You can't do sh*t these days without having johnny law up your ass. It's bullsh*t I tell ya.

I couldnt agree with you more.

 

Parents nowadays are afraid of hitting their kids. That's terrible, because kids need to respect their parents above all.

 

And that's not happening because parents just simply have a "dialogue".

[ryuclan]

Why is everybody calling this abuse? If a kid f*cks up, a parent has the right to hit them as long as it's done with an open hand. This is the kind of sh*t that's wrong with the world today. Kid's need to have the living sh*t beat out of them. It's the only thing that gets through. The world is just too politically correct today. You can't do sh*t these days without having johnny law up your ass. It's bullsh*t I tell ya.

I couldnt agree with you more.

 

Parents nowadays are afraid of hitting their kids. That's terrible, because kids need to respect their parents above all.

 

And that's not happening because parents just simply have a "dialogue".

f*ck a talk, f*ck a time out, f*ck a slap on the wrist. Some kids need to be punished and those things ain't punishin em. Whoop his ass and I bet you that homework get done.

[Medaphoar]

Why is everybody calling this abuse? If a kid f*cks up, a parent has the right to hit them as long as it's done with an open hand. This is the kind of sh*t that's wrong with the world today. Kid's need to have the living sh*t beat out of them. It's the only thing that gets through. The world is just too politically correct today. You can't do sh*t these days without having johnny law up your ass. It's bullsh*t I tell ya.

I couldnt agree with you more.

 

Parents nowadays are afraid of hitting their kids. That's terrible, because kids need to respect their parents above all.

 

And that's not happening because parents just simply have a "dialogue".

f*ck a talk, f*ck a time out, f*ck a slap on the wrist. Some kids need to be punished and those things ain't punishin em. Whoop his ass and I bet you that homework get done.

Timeouts were cool at school.

 

I used to get those in kindergarden when I was like five. I never was a good student, I guess its because I learned the word f*ck earlier than most kids did...

 

My dad used to tell me to f*ck myself all the time, I guess that's why I told my teacher to do that to her.

 

My pops used make me stand on my knees on top of beans for literally five hours straight. When he caught me smoking a cigarette he locked me in the closet with ten packets of cigs and told me not to leave before I finished them all.

 

I never smoked again. Learnt my lesson.

[H4milton]

Just be glad your girlfriend isn't Indian.

Ha ha, just like mine too.

Anyway If i was in her place I wont give a f*ck to them, rather I would ran away from my home and stay over at my aunt's place.

[chillwinston8717]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

We have pretty much decided it's not worth getting outside help yet; maybe just suggesting some sort of counselling, but thats as far as we would go at the moment. She defiently doesn't want to leave her parents.

 

@mike39 & Tornado Rex: Thanks for the advice, probably best and most realistic responses I've seen

@girishb: She is Turkish, and I know very well what its like for her to have conservative parets

@TommyAngelo: Victoria

@ryuclan and lurchseesu: I do know the school situation, it was bad grades thats it. They weren't even that bad. It's not like she's argueing with teachers, or wagging class or not doing any homework or anything.

How you can justify a fully grown male for hitting his 15 year old daughter because of bad grades is behond me. And it wasn't just a smack on the ass; it was to her face. And no, they don't have the 'right' to hit her, what the f*ck are you smoking?

 

[nutboy]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

We have pretty much decided it's not worth getting outside help yet; maybe just suggesting some sort of counselling, but thats as far as we would go at the moment. She defiently doesn't want to leave her parents.

 

@mike39 & Tornado Rex: Thanks for the advice, probably best and most realistic responses I've seen

@girishb: She is Turkish, and I know very well what its like for her to have conservative parets

@TommyAngelo: Victoria

@ryuclan and lurchseesu: I do know the school situation, it was bad grades thats it. They weren't even that bad. It's not like she's argueing with teachers, or wagging class or not doing any homework or anything.

How you can justify a fully grown male for hitting his 15 year old daughter because of bad grades is behond me. And it wasn't just a smack on the ass; it was to her face. And no, they don't have the 'right' to hit her, what the f*ck are you smoking?

I got hit in the face for being rude last month and then I forgot about it. a man hitting a 15 year girl is kinda extreme....but mabye they coulda something else........

 

during 05-07 I schooled im Nigeria and we had exams twice a month and if you get less than 85%, depending on your score you would be given a certain amount of whacks with a bammboo stick on your bum,hand or back although me and my friends snuck around to escape it.

 

Im all for "smacking" but aginst hitting with a fist and beating with a stick(IT HURTS LIKE HELL)

[chillwinston8717]

^

Wow that sucks, kind of a shame this is still tolerated in some places.

Though in Australia it is generally frowned upon to beat anybody with anything...

[Saggy]

What people today call "strict" people of the old days call "good parenting".

Yeah, the great parenting of past generations really shines through when you consider how utterly f*cked the world is.

My parents are some of the best people I know. And their upbringing brought about my good up bringing.

 

Don't be angry at me because your parents are dirty, pot smoking fags.

I'm pretty sure he was commenting on the physical discipline side of it. Considering that it was much more popular in past generations. Interestingly enough, most parents that think that hitting a kid is the best way to raise a child, had a horrible upbringing themselves, and have the most undisciplined and out-of-control kids I've ever seen. Physical abuse doesn't give anything that kids need. I think discipline is crucial, but discipline and fear are not the same thing.

 

"...her dad hit her, made threats to her, insults her by telling her shes worthless and things like that..."

 

That's not being strict, that's abuse, and there seems to be an extraordinary amount of people in the world and in this thread that can't see the difference. Yes, a swat on the ass for a small child is fine as the amount of force needed to cause physical pain likely won't cause injury, and because generally a child this young would not understand any type of verbal lesson anyway. However, when a child grows up to the point where they can understand those verbal lessons, and where it takes more and more force, that's just not right, because in the end it is not teaching any lesson at all, it is just pure malice and abuse.

 

I think it's rather odd you're more concerned about what privileges she has than the fact that she's being physically and verbally abused though. I mean, to be honest, nothing sounds very strict about that at all, it sounds more like what nearly every parent I know does when their kids start slacking off in school. However, hitting her, and telling her she's "worthless", that would bother me much more than her not being able to listen to her iPod.

 

I would say that you should just stop focusing on it. There's really not much you can do, though you really only seem to be concerned with her not having as many privileges as much as you are concerned about what type of abuse she may be receiving. I just know that when I've had to try to figure out what to do about an abusive parent of one of my friends, I've always taken action myself or just stayed out of it completely. I've done more of the latter, but there have been some cases where I actually saw one of my friends littler sibling taking a beating and have stepped in. I wouldn't really recommend this; I got my ass kicked, and my friend got his kicked for having me over.

[chillwinston8717]

^

I don't think you are reading my posts correctly.

She isn't slacking off at school often she hasn't txted be back until 10pm since school finished because she's been doing homework. She doesn't wag school, or be a dickhead in class, she does actually try, its not her fault if she doesn't easily learn concepts.

 

And she can rise above the abuse; she wouldn't care about it as much if she could get away from it occasionally. But she can't; all her software on her computer has gone, she cant listen to music, her door must be open at all times, and she cant go out and see friends! She's stuck with dealing with it by herself with no outlet except txting (she isn't even allowed to have a phone, I got her one so we could talk!)

And she wasn't allowed to have a phone even before the interviews.

 

Sounds like you think theres nothing wrong with the freedom she gets, but I don't believe you could live like that.

Edited April 22, 2008 by chillwinston8717

[Saggy]

Sounds like you think theres nothing wrong with the freedom she gets, but I don't believe you could live like that.

I could, and have, and also know many younger friends still in high-school that do. However, I can't live with being physically and verbally abused. You're extremely naive in thinking that having these privileges is somehow a solution to this abuse, and even more naive in thinking that her parents are going to want to hear a f*cking thing about how you think they should raise their child.

 

Children don't have freedom, they have what their parents give them, they have privileges. They don't have rights except for the right not to be abused. This is why I'm telling you that you should probably just forget about it. You're probably not going to have any chance at telling them how to raise their child, and you're not going to be able to do anything else about it except report the abuse. If you try to become more involved in it you'll have more likelihood of getting her into more trouble than actually convince her parents of anything. And considering the already high possibility of abuse and the fact that all of her privileges are already taken away, that just might cause something much more sinister and serious than a lack of "freedom".

 

 

I don't think that recommending some kind of counseling or something would be too much of a bad idea, but you've really got to recognize that there's really no pro-active roll you can play in this unless you want to call the police or get yourself involved, neither of which would be very effective in the end, for reasons others have explained.

 

 

Also, I read your first post just fine, and also noted this part of it: "She had her parent teacher interviews recently and didn't go as well as her parents hoped, so they decided to undertake some disciplinary measures." So you both know she's not slacking off, but to her parents it's still unsatisfactory, and they acted accordingly, just as millions of parents do everyday. That's all I meant by that, not that I thought she was a slacker or anything. Could have chosen my words better I guess. I'm not really saying that they were the most rational choices to make, but they are none of my business, and I certainly have no say in it. A position you should recognize yourself to be in.

 

Anyway, seeing as the main focus seems to be how to restore her privileges, I'm going to extract myself from this conversation for three reasons 1) You're not going to convince her parents how to raise their child 2) Restoring privileges is not a solution to abuse and 3) I find the trivialization of the abuse to be disturbing.

[chillwinston8717]

You still dont seem to understand

1. This isn't about me; Im not going to convince them of anything. I am going to help HER convince them, which you would have noticed if you read any of my posts. I was saying how I would be helping her come up witha arguements to help with her freedom AND why what her parents did were wrong. This is what she wants, if she isn't traumatized by this abuse why should I be?

 

2. I dont know how else to say it but some people are made of tougher stuff than you. She has the ability to rise above what her parents are saying and doing because she knows they are unreasonable, and can put up with it if she has a way of getting away from it. For you to say she should be just curl up in the fetal position and break down because her parents are abusing her...I really dont know what to say to that.

 

And dont go going all techinical about her 'rights'; in Australia we only have 6 protected rights; Right to Freedom of Religion, Free Interstate Trade between States, Freedom from discrimination based on state you reside in, Right to a Trial by Jurt and Freedom of Political Communication. We dont have any other specifically stated rights, but I dont see anybody acting as if they dont have other rights. Are you saying that it's ok for her parents should just keep her locked at home in the basement, providing they feed, clothe and let her go to school?

 

Our views evidently differ greatly and I doubt we will be able to change each others mind so we'll leave it at that

[reaper x550]

Don't tell her to call Kids Help Line. I got told to ring there once, I called and they asked "What are your views on people" so I told them and they hung up claiming I was pranking them.

 

Useless.

[Girish]

Don't tell her to call Kids Help Line. I got told to ring there once, I called and they asked "What are your views on people" so I told them and they hung up claiming I was pranking them.

 

Useless.

I would like to hear what you told them.

[Statutory Ray]

What people today call "strict" people of the old days call "good parenting".

Yeah, the great parenting of past generations really shines through when you consider how utterly f*cked the world is.

My parents are some of the best people I know. And their upbringing brought about my good up bringing.

 

Don't be angry at me because your parents are dirty, pot smoking fags.

Apparently your parents weren't brought up well enough to show you some respect.

 

You're lucky I'm not your dad or I'd have molested you years ago.

[lurchseesu420]

 

@ryuclan and lurchseesu: I do know the school situation, it was bad grades thats it. They weren't even that bad. It's not like she's argueing with teachers, or wagging class or not doing any homework or anything.

How you can justify a fully grown male for hitting his 15 year old daughter because of bad grades is behond me. And it wasn't just a smack on the ass; it was to her face. And no, they don't have the 'right' to hit her, what the f*ck are you smoking?

I don't give a sh*t if she's 15 or not. He's her father. As long as he uses an open hand, and she's under 18, he can hit her. I don't care if it's the face, back, ass, etc. Now a closed fist would be considered abuse. Maybe the laws are different over there, but that's how is is over here. It's the same for the staff at the Juvenille detention center. If a kid smarts off, they're allowed to hit them with an open hand. It's not abuse.

Edited April 23, 2008 by lurchseesu420

[externalgovt]

And I thought i had strict parents...

 

Yes that's excessive. She needs help.

 

I had to put up with strict parenting at her age, a few years later it's eased up, but things were never that bad. Please get her some help seriously or she'll spiral down into a really bad depression.

[Abel.]

Wow, thats strict as f*ck.

 

She should really just rebel and sneak out, if her parents hit her then she should ring the police. Those parents sound like f*ckwits.

I know, no games? that is f*cking strict.

 

My parents are fine.

[Mike Tequeli]

You're lucky I'm not your dad or I'd have molested you years ago.

Best quote ever.

 

Anyways, this is quite the sticky situation, as far as I'm concerned there is a little something called respect that all the abuse advocates are forgetting. You don't own your kids per se, just have legal rights as their guardians, you can't do whatever you want. Respect for your kids is a neccesity, otherwise they'll never respect you and you'll fail as a parent.

[tommy vs. claude]

@ryuclan and lurchseesu: I do know the school situation, it was bad grades thats it. They weren't even that bad. It's not like she's argueing with teachers, or wagging class or not doing any homework or anything.

How you can justify a fully grown male for hitting his 15 year old daughter because of bad grades is behond me. And it wasn't just a smack on the ass; it was to her face. And no, they don't have the 'right' to hit her, what the f*ck are you smoking?

I don't give a sh*t if she's 15 or not. He's her father. As long as he uses an open hand, and she's under 18, he can hit her. I don't care if it's the face, back, ass, etc. Now a closed fist would be considered abuse. Maybe the laws are different over there, but that's how is is over here. It's the same for the staff at the Juvenille detention center. If a kid smarts off, you're allowed to hit them with an open hand. It's not abuse.

Yes, teaching your kids that violence is the answer to problems is a great idea.

[Creed Bratton]

In Soviet Russia parents dont abuse their kids......you know the rest

 

Anyway maybe someone from your family or you personally should talk to her parents and see whats the problem. That seems like a reasonable thing to do

[Vercetti21]

Goddamn, I understand wanting to control your kids, but that's just overkill.

 

When are parents going to realize that the more restricting they are on their kids, the more likely the kid is going to get into trouble when they're out in the real world? When their free of their parents, they're most likely going to start experimenting with drugs and such, and rebel against everything they've been taught.

[Gouveia]

Call the police, make her parent's loose her guard(that's how we can it here), then try to make her live with you.

 

Also, her parents are f*ckers. Seriously, they're worst then mine, and mine looks like combines. For real.

[ILovePolarBears]

I'm not sure what's available over there, but there's got to be a teen help line, or an abuse hotline that she can call for advice. They can probably give her better direction that we can through you.