Ronmar The Only Posted April 20, 2008 Share Posted April 20, 2008 Well thanks for the support. And I don't no why but some people already told me the word "dark" but my story does not take place in darkness unless if I specify it. It may just be that I feel sh*te and have only skimmed through, but I don't think they meant it in the literal sense- instead referring to the atmosphere of the story. I may be wrong though, so feel free to shoot me down in flames if I am. There's really not that much advice I can give you on this- Typhus among others has done so already, and far better than I could have. I'll have a proper read tomorrow though, so expect this post to be edited if I do see something which hasn't been pointed out yet. (No need to send me a PM by the way- I'd have seen this eventually and gotten round to reading it. ) Chipstick is right. Good job Referring to the dark comment. Visit Writers' Discussion Compilation of Works: From a Storyteller Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisV55 Posted April 21, 2008 Share Posted April 21, 2008 (edited) Not much more I can add. Like above posters said, it is a bit stilted and the flow could be be better. I'll go out on a limb, however, and say I don't mind these 'tough' guys being 'sensitive'. Everyone has feelings and a life apart from their jobs. Doing a story with demons is tough, like someone said, so you'll have to bring something fresh to the table, so it doesn't come off as too familiar. Edited April 21, 2008 by ChrisV55 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
longkissgoodnight Posted April 22, 2008 Author Share Posted April 22, 2008 (edited) Chapter 2: lock and load (The sun can be seen settling down) The white truck is seen standing next to Brian's house. (Then camera shows the inside of Brian's house). Jay, Phillip, Mike and Tyler are lying down on the floor in foldable beds on the second floor (in this room a T.V., a couch and a clock can be seen). Brian walks downstairs from the third floor - he is carrying a pair of keys in his hand - he makes his way downstairs to the first floor. He walks up to a locked door in the hallway and sticks the keys into it and slowly but quietly turns the key - making sure not to wake up anybody. (A sound can be heard upstairs that someone is turning - trying to get comfortable.) Brian takes the key out and opens the door - a long staircase can be seen leading to what looks like a basement. A light switch is seen on the wall on the right side and he flicks the light and it gos on. He makes his way down the staircase and guns can be seen hanging up on the walls. (Rocket Launchers, cross bows, grenades, pistols, shotguns, machine guns, sniper rifles and etc.) (There is also a table in this room with a chair - in the far back corner and a phone hanging on the wall.) Brian walks up to the table and opens up the drawer and a small box of cigarettes can be seen - lying along with a lighter. He takes out the cigarettes and the lighter - he takes out a cigarette from the box and he puts the box back into the drawer and he lights the cigarette with the lighter and he hides the lighter and closes the drawer. Brian sits down into the chair and starts smoking. Someone can be heard coming down the staircase - it is Jay. Jay (he sees Brian just sitting there and smoking): I didn't know that you started smoking again - I thought you quit like 3 months ago? Brian: I did, but I started up again - after all this pressure Jay (sits down on the bottom of the staircase): so, you couldn't sleep either? Brian: so much sh*t on my mind, are you ready for tomorrows big day? Jay: Where exactly is this Rallic guy? Brian (blows out smoke): he and his army are located at the abandoned prison thats downtown. My father used to tell me stories about that prison. He used to tell me that murders, killers, psychopaths - you name it; were putin into there and were tortured and experimented on about 20 or 30 years ago. Later they turned it into a prison but the evil spirits continued to haunt that place - they want to go into bodies but they weren't strong enough *(Please note: I will talk more about this prison later on in my story)* Jay: is it possible for Rallic to do it? Brian: I don't believe so. Jay: call up David and ask him. (Brian finishes smoking and gets up from the chair and walks over to the phone. He picks it up and dials a number - a ring can be heard and a computerized voice starts speaking: we are opened from 10 in the morning to 8 at night, every day including weekends) Brian hangs up the phone and tells Jay that they aren't opened yet. Jay: do you think that we should push it back? Brian: no, because even if he was able to do that I would have been told about it and if something does go wrong - then we could, "get the f*ck out of their". *(Something does go wrong that they did not even know about)* A few moments later, Brian says: lets go to sleep - we have a big day tomorrow. Jay stands up and they begin walking up the staircase - at the top Brian shuts off the light and closes and locks the door. They both go up to the second floor and they see everybody is sleeping and Jay lies down and Brian gos upstairs to the third floor to his room. (Its already night time outside.) (Brian can be heard lying down on the bed.) Next morning the sun can be seen shining threw the closed shade on the second floor and Brian makes his way from the third down to the second (it can be seen that they are all still sleeping). He walks over to the shade and opens it up - they all start grunting and slowly slide their hands over their eyes - covering them. (The time on the clock is shown and it reads: 9:00am). Brian yells out: get up! Jay, Phillip, Mike and Tyler slowly start getting up and they sit on the couch and Phillip grabs the remote control thats lying down on the floor and turns on the TV and starts flipping threw the channels - Brian gos into the kitchen and starts making omelet. Phillip turns on the movie: Constantine and its showing the part were Constantine is fighting demons and Phillip puts a smile on his face and says: thats going to be us, in a few hours. Mike looks at him and says: shut up you smart a*s! And they remain quite and continue watching the movie - less than half an hour: Brian calls everybody to the kitchen - Tyler takes the remote control and shuts of the TV - they all get up and walk to the kitchen and sit down around the table - Brian starts passing out omelet, an hour later they finish. Brian starts walking downstairs - followed by everybody and he unlocks the door to the "gun room" - he opens the door - turns on the light and starts going down the stairs - followed by everybody else. When they get downstairs - they start loading up on their weapons. Everybody takes a shotgun, a machine gun and a couple of grenades - they put the bullets on a strap and attach the strap across their chest. They finish up and start heading upstairs - Brian shuts off the light and locks the door. They exit out of the house and Brian locks the door and they all walk over to the truck. Brian gos and sits behind the drivers seat - Jay sits right next to him and Tyler, Mike and Phillip pile up into the back. Brian starts speaking (out load - so that everybody can hear him): ok - listen up, we are going to fight this demon and his army - I have been hearing that hes very and extremely powerful - so watch your backs out there. One of the hunters yells out from the back (its unclear of who it is): where are we going and Brian responds: to the abandoned prison thats downtown - Brian starts up the car and starts driving - less than half hour later Brian pulls up to prison itself. The prison has a ground level floor and 3 floors above. There is also an underground tunnel that stretches all across the whole entire prison. In front of the prison there is a red pipe that gos deep into the ground and this pipe is connected to the tunnels. *(Please note: I will talk more about this pipe later on in my story - its very important. When you go into the tunnels - you can not see this red pipe - its hidden in the walls but it is connected to them)* Brian parks the truck inside the park lot - he turns off the engine and gets out. Jay steps out shortly after - he looks around and examines the surrounding and notices a booth standing nearby and he slowly walks over to it and steps inside. Brian can be seen opening up the back door and Tyler, Mike and Phillip all get out and Brian shuts the door. Inside the booth is a panel with a bunch of buttons. Jay starts trying out all the buttons and a few lights go on inside the prison - some lights start flickering but for the most part - it remains dark inside. Jay steps out of the booth and walks over to Brian and the rest of the team. They all take out their guns and reload them. They slowly approach the prison itself. Brian walks up to the door and kicks it opened and stepped inside followed by Jay, Mike, Tyler and Phillip. http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/comm...n_cellblock.JPG (Please look at image) Edited April 22, 2008 by longkissgoodnight Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisV55 Posted April 23, 2008 Share Posted April 23, 2008 Not bad. About what I expected. You did a better job of separating narrative from character dialogue. I'm glad there was more narrative than dialogue; I didn't want to read any more dialogue than there was. Setting the stage through narrative was more important, and that's what you did. Next chapter, now that they're inside the prison, you can even out the narrative and dialogue more, if that suits you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
longkissgoodnight Posted April 23, 2008 Author Share Posted April 23, 2008 (edited) Thank you! Next chapter there will be a lot of gun shooting and action scenes. Hey ChrisV55 - after I am done with this story - I am hopefully going to move onto a new story about that picture that I showed you. Edited April 23, 2008 by longkissgoodnight Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
longkissgoodnight Posted April 23, 2008 Author Share Posted April 23, 2008 Can you people comment on my story and tell me what you think about chapter 2 please? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhoda Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 Great idea for a story, and while it seemed slightly askew at the beginning I'm following it rather well. Keep it up, you're getting better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
longkissgoodnight Posted April 24, 2008 Author Share Posted April 24, 2008 What is askew? And thank you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vive La France Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 I like this story. I'm not a big fan of the script format, but the story's great. Keep it up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
longkissgoodnight Posted April 24, 2008 Author Share Posted April 24, 2008 Thank you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.AshRemains Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 I like it, but some dialogue is a bit...let me explain: "it is Jay" - You could shorten that to "It's Jay" "I am retiring next month" - Can be shortened to "I'm retiring next month." Some description could be better, but I think this has a good chance, going to bookmark it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
longkissgoodnight Posted April 24, 2008 Author Share Posted April 24, 2008 Thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ghostsofmars Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 (edited) LKGN was a close friend of mine and he sold me the rights to his story and the chapter book. I will miss him but I will continue writing his story and I don't think that I will change into and revise it. *(He will be sending them to me and I will be posting them)* You will be missed. Edited April 24, 2008 by Ghostsofmars Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cubanwhip Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 LKGN was a close friend of mine and he sold me the rights to his story and the chapter book. I will miss him but I will continue writing his story and I don't think that I will change into and revise it. *(He will be sending them to me and I will be posting them)* You will be missed. In other words, sup LKGN. EDIT: Also, he will not be missed, BY ANYONE WHATSOEVER. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oblivionz Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 LKGN was a close friend of mine and he sold me the rights to his story and the chapter book. I will miss him but I will continue writing his story and I don't think that I will change into and revise it. *(He will be sending them to me and I will be posting them)* You will be missed. In other words, sup LKGN. EDIT: Also, he will not be missed, BY ANYONE WHATSOEVER. LEAVE LONGKISSGOODNIGHT ALONEEEE. PBM's are always fun. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ghostsofmars Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 (edited) Guys can you please not spam up LKGN topic - please I am begging you. I am not LKGN. I am a childhood friend of his. He also told me that chapter 3 may or may not be out this weekend. Just because someone has the same avatar doesn't mean anything. Please don't report his topic - he really wants to finish this story and I really want him to do so. Edited April 24, 2008 by Ghostsofmars Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cubanwhip Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 No you're not silly goose. You have the same avatar. Plus, LKGN has no friends. So I'll report this and if I see another account, I will take a mallet and hit your vagina. Mmkay? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Unvirginiser Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 Don't pass GO... Don't collect £200 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
galvanize Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 hahahah why did the bitch get busted???? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Typhus Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 hahahah why did the bitch get busted???? He spammed up countless topics under the pretext of being bullied. He would flood members with PMs even for something as trivial as not liking his story. He did not listen to Moderator warnings. When banned he created a second account but used the same avatar and spun a foolish tale about being "longkissgoodnights friend". Pretty much all of this led to him being kicked out of here. There's no one reason. Rather a collection of problems. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now