Lochie_old Posted April 16, 2008 Share Posted April 16, 2008 @Typhus: I think he just didn't want anyone teasing him for expressing his own emotions. Its alright, thats why everyone writes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Claude GTA3 Posted April 16, 2008 Author Share Posted April 16, 2008 @Typhus: I think he just didn't want anyone teasing him for expressing his own emotions. Its alright, thats why everyone writes. Meh, no probs, I feel frustrated nowadays, since my grades are bad and I'm flunking, but... pssh. Any ideas on how to get away from "Chris does this and that" away? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dxk Posted April 16, 2008 Share Posted April 16, 2008 Umm, wonder why I didn't stumble over this earlier. .....I'll keep reading. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Typhus Posted April 16, 2008 Share Posted April 16, 2008 Any ideas on how to get away from "Chris does this and that" away? Focus on descriptive words for his actions. You've got an image of the guy right? Well, rather than using his name why not refer to him by his physical traits every so often to shake things up. For example: Nathan walked down the street Could become something like: The long haired man sauntered down the grimy streets Maybe that would work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DavidGC Posted April 16, 2008 Share Posted April 16, 2008 @Typhus: I think he just didn't want anyone teasing him for expressing his own emotions. Its alright, thats why everyone writes. Meh, no probs, I feel frustrated nowadays, since my grades are bad and I'm flunking, but... pssh. Any ideas on how to get away from "Chris does this and that" away? What Typhus said. Instead of just giving a generic discription of what the character is doing, try to add some weight to it. Like instead of "Chris closed the door" you could say, "As Chris stumbled through the door, he pulled it closed behind him". You don't always have to use big, descriptive language. In fact, sometimes it's better to *KIS! Usually you only need to be really descriptive when you're describing a setting or some sort of emotion. Once you start to over describe things, your point gets lost in all the jumble. *KIS: Keep it simple. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Claude GTA3 Posted April 16, 2008 Author Share Posted April 16, 2008 Wow, you guys make it sound so pro... I'll give it a shot later, when I write Chapter twelve, "A forbidden friend" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Claude GTA3 Posted April 16, 2008 Author Share Posted April 16, 2008 (edited) Chapter 12 - A forbidden friend As Chris was heading out of his apartment, he pulls the door with force, making a loud slam; Babies start crying in the apartment building, and once again hookers were everywhere, offering themselves. The long haired man () entered his car, turning the radio off just when the car started. It was cold outside so he put his leather jacket on instead of the suit, winter was approaching. He was in a very bad mood today, thinking that he is nothing but a lap dog to Joey, and started to feel paranoid because of his best friend's betrayal. Chris seemed to be patrolling around the area, hoping he'd find the target. He turned his head around and saw a man fitting the description pointing a gun towards a bloody Leone in an alley. Chris instantly dumped the car in the middle of the street and swiftly got out of the car, while his jacket was unzipped and he felt cold. As he ran towards the injured Leone member, he zipped his jacket up, feeling a bit warmer. The man started to run and disappeared behind a corner while Chris stopped to check on the Leone member... "Watch out kid" The member coughed "He's dangerous, do not follow him!" Chris now had a mad expression on his face, squeezing his teeth together, he started to sprint towards the attacker's escape route, pulling his gun out. As Chris ran to the end of the alley, nearly reaching the city streets again, he saw nothing, and suddenly, felt a painful bump on the back of his head. Chris wakes up feeling noxious. His vision was blurry at first and he felt unwell. He noticed he is stripped from his guns, and a bloody rag was placed near his hands. As Chris sat up, he notices a tall man near the window, looking out. Chris made a slight sound and the man turned around. His facial expression wasn't really evil, Chris knew he felt bad about himself, he could see it. The man seemed to have a rough past, and was wearing Dark khaki cargo pants, and a worn out leather jacket, and had an unshaven face. "Who are you?" Chris asked "Why did you spare me?" The tall man didn't reply. He walked towards Chris and handed him his guns, knowing that Chris won't hurt him. Chris instantly pointed the gun at the strange man and pulled the trigger... *Click!" "What the...?" Chris was puzzled "You emptied it didn't you?" The man, again, did not reply, just put on a short smile and pointed his finger at an elevator door. Chris was just astonished by this man and walks towards the door. As Chris took a final look at the man, he noticed car keys flying towards him. Chris caught the keys and resumed with his leaving. He entered the elevator, rode it down and found himself in Belleville, 2 blocks away from the apartment Toni set him up with. The Leone Sentinel he dumped was in front of him. A loud ringtone is heard and Chris picked his pager up from his pocket. "Come back tomorrow, I need a favor, I will leave a note on the desk upstairs." It was from an unknown number, and Chris figured it was the tall man that just spared him sent it. He looked at the window and the strange man just smiled at him... Edited April 17, 2008 by Claude GTA3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DavidGC Posted April 16, 2008 Share Posted April 16, 2008 (edited) Chapter 12 - A forbidden friend As Chris was heading out of his apartment, he pulls the door with force, making a loud slam; Babies start crying in the apartment building, and once again hookers were everywhere, offering themselves. The first thing I noticed here was the "was" and the "pulls". The tence is out of place. It should be "pulled". Same goes for "start"; it should be "started". The long haired man () entered his car, turning the radio off just when the car started. It was cold outside so he put his leather jacket on instead of the suit, winter was approaching. He was in a very bad mood today, thinking that he is nothing but a lap dog to Joey, and started to feel paranoid because of his best friend's betrayal. The first bit made me laugh, with "the long haired man". The previous poster only used that as an example of how to structure things, he didn't mean for it to be used litterally. The comma after suit should be a semi colon ( ; ), but that's just nitpicking. The bit after "Joey," can be its own sentence if you take out the "and". Chris seemed to be patrolling around the area, hoping he'd find the target. He turned his head around and saw a man fitting the description pointing a gun towards a blood Leone in an alley. "Seemed to be" can be taken out, and "patrolling" can be changed to "patrolled". Flows a lot better. A comma after description would be good. Not sure if you meant "bloody" instead of "blood", but "bloody" sounds a bit better. Chris instantly dumped the car in the middle of the street and swiftly got out of the car, while his jacket was unzipped and he felt cold. As he ran towards the injured Leone member, he zipped his jacket up, feeling a bit warmer.The man started to run and disappeared behind a corner while Chris stopped to check on the Leone member... "while his jacket was unzipped and he felt cold" sounds really bad, no offence. Consider revising and making it flow better. "Watch out kid" The member coughed "He's dangerous, do not follow him!" Good line here, just missing some commas after the quotations. Again, just a minor grammatical error. Chris now had a mad expression on his face, squeezing his teeth together, he started to sprint towards the attacker's escape route, pulling his gun out. As Chris ran to the end of the alley, nearly reaching the city streets again, he saw nothing, and suddenly, felt a painful bump on the back of his head. "Chris now had a mad expression on his face" sounds pretty corny. "Chris became enraged" or something similar would suffice. "squeezing his teeth together, he started to sprint towards the attacker's escape route, pulling his gun out" can be its own sentence. Chris wakes up feeling noxious. His vision was blurry at first and he felt unwell. He noticed he is stripped from his guns, and a bloody rag was placed near his hands. As Chris sat up, he notices a tall man near the window, looking out. Chris made a slight sound and the man turned around. His facial expression wasn't really evil, Chris knew he felt bad about himself, he could see it. The man seemed to have a rough past, and was wearing Dark khaki cargo pants, and a worn out leather jacket, and had an unshaven face. Again, tence problems. Should be "woke" instead of "wakes". "Unwell" should be changed to something more descriptive. More tence problems plague this paragraph but everything else is ok. Kind of choppy in some parts but it's good. Also, "Dark" can just be "dark". "Who are you?" Chris asked "Why did you spare me?" The tall man didn't reply. He walked towards Chris and handed him his guns, knowing that Chris won't hurt him. Chris instantly pointed the gun at the strange man and pulled the trigger... *Click!" "What the...?" Chris was puzzled "You emptied it didn't you?" The man, again, did not reply, just put on a short smile and pointed his finger at an elevator door. Chris was just astonished by this man and walks towards the door. As Chris took a final look at the man, he noticed car keys flying towards him. Chris caught the keys and resumed with his leaving. He entered the elevator, rode it down and found himself in Belleville, 2 blocks away from the apartment Toni set him up with. The Leone Sentinel he dumped was in front of him. A loud ringtone is heard and Chris picked his pager up from his pocket. "Come back tomorrow, I need a favor, I will leave a note on the desk upstairs." It was from an unknown number, and Chris figured it was the tall man that just spared him sent it. He looked at the window and the strange man just smiled at him... The rest of it is good but, again, tence error throughout. Too many run-on sentences too. Put some periods in there, clean up the tence problems, and revise some of the language. Going good, keep at it! Ok. I'm going to comb through this chapter because I think this one is a good one to show 'ya a few things. I'll edit this post in a few minutes. Edited April 16, 2008 by DavidGC Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Claude GTA3 Posted April 16, 2008 Author Share Posted April 16, 2008 I appreciate that, really! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DavidGC Posted April 16, 2008 Share Posted April 16, 2008 Forgot to say, updated my post with a little breakdown. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Typhus Posted April 17, 2008 Share Posted April 17, 2008 The long haired man () Okay, why did I even give you adive when you were just going to mock me? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Claude GTA3 Posted April 17, 2008 Author Share Posted April 17, 2008 (edited) The blood was a typo, it was meant to be bloody. and no, I'm not mocking, just thought reusing it may sound a bit silly. Edited April 22, 2008 by Claude GTA3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Claude GTA3 Posted April 22, 2008 Author Share Posted April 22, 2008 Chapter 13 - The Getaway It was midnight, Chris was lying on his couch in his sh*tty new apartment. He missed the luxury, he missed a touch of a real woman's body, he missed Portland. He is in Staunton for a week now, and was given a strict order by Joey not to leave until the target with who Chris was sort of friends, was eliminated. Chris was puzzled. The pager rang. "Forget the note, kid, there's no time for that, meet me under the raising bridge with a car, and bring something to cover your face with. MAKE SURE it's not that Leone car you come with, steal something faster! We'll have to go to Francis Intl." It was from the strange man he met a few days ago. Chris was searching the apartment for something to cover his head, and found a woman's stocking under the bed. It had a vile odor of mildew, and was probably old. Chris started choking and took it off; Taking the car keys in a rush, Chris went out and found one of the hookers and gave her some cash for the stocking, without exchanging words. As he went out of the building, he noticed a Banshee on the first floor of the multi storey car park, and quickly ran towards the car park. He jumped over the ramp and hopped into the car. As he hotwired it, he immediately reversed, and got to the ground floor and drove trough the ramp. Chris was driving the car ferociously, while putting the stocking onto his head. He passed the Fire Dept. and Uncle BJ's deli, and saw the man leaned on a wall. Chris honked the horn and the man sled over the hood and jumped in. Chris drove trough a grass patch onto the bridge, which started raising as soon as they got onto the raising part. "Oh sh*t! Not again!" shouted Chris in frustration. A mild gunshot was heard and Chris's tire was popped. He quickly sped and jumped from the raising part, landing perfectly despite the tire being damaged. They looked in the rear view mirror and saw Leone sentinels at the other side of the bridge. Their gunmen started to shoot from the car and Chris sped towards the Spray shop, and stopped inside while the garage was covering them. The man got out of the car and ran towards the I/E garage. "What the..?!" Chris looked at him and decided to wait there. He heard a horn going off behind him and saw the man in a Stretch Limousine. As Chris got out of the car, he could hear Mafia's car's distinctive engine sound, which meant they were near. The man drove slowly to the Hospital, which had a hilly meadow that lead into the airport. The strange man sped trough the meadow, making the white limo dirty and full of grass juice at the bottom, leaving a nice green line. As they reached the landing strip, they saw a huge AT-400 plane about to take off. The tall man got out of the car and took a last glare at Chris, starting to sprint towards the plane, and jumped on it's tire. Hanging from the tire, the man put his index finger on his forehead and saluted Chris, disappearing into the hull along with the wheels. Chris was amazed, took the stocking off and just shook his head, messing his hair up a bit. "Wow..." Chris was almost speechless... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Claude GTA3 Posted May 9, 2008 Author Share Posted May 9, 2008 Chapter 14 - A broken seal of trust The phone rang "MY man, you did it. You got rid of my father's killer... Come down to the club so we can all celebrate" Joey cheerfully shouted over the phone. "Sure, I just have some stuff to take care and--" Chris was interrupted... "NOW!" Joey hung up. Chris immediately sat in his car and slowly drove to Portland wondering why Joey sounded upset. Was it because he let the man who killed his father go? As Chris parked up in front of the mansion, he got out of the car. as his sneakers pushed the gravel under him and made the only noise Chris could hear. Everything was silent and almost spooky. Chris wondered if walking into the mansion would be such a good idea, but he gulped and just casually continued. As he entered the mansion, the only thing he could see were the rays of light hitting the dust particles, the place was completely empty. Or was it? He felt pain in his legs and immediately fell down on his knees. "What the?! Ow!" He shouted and looked back. He saw Joey with a baseball bat, slowly walking around him. "You really think I wouldn't monitor you? Do you?" Joey shouted in rage. "You let Claude escape! You let my father's killed get away unpunished!" "It wasn't like that... Give me a chance to explain!" Chris begged. "NO! Guys, take care of this worm, make him suffer." Joey poined at two of his henchmen who grabbed Chris, tied him and put him in a trunk. Chris had nowhere to go and nowhere to run. Is this the end? ---------------------------------------------------------------- Sorry if it's kinda short, I have to plan it out a bit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nutboy Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Poor dude never finished it.......... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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