Taste of Liberty

[TonyZimmzy]

Your writing is greatly improving very, very quickly. Keep it up, champ.

[Claude GTA3]

Thank you very much Tony. After reading Decline of Liberty, I've been thinking of giving Claude a major role or a cameo, Vercetti too, but I'll still focus on Chris since I can't be a copycat, right? Anyways, I still love Heart City, keep it up.

[Otter]

You want people to read what you write? You're in the wrong forum.

Thought you were leaving for good? G'head. Move along, little doggy.

[Hell Man]

Waw it's fun to read this.

Cant weit for chapter 6.

[Claude GTA3]

Chapter 6 - A day to remember

 

It was 6 AM and Chris was sound asleep. He was woken up by the TV in his room. Chris opens his eyes and notices the fact that he is holding a naked woman's hip. Chris just sits up and shakes his head, rubs his eyes and takes another look.

 

"What the hell was I doing last night?!" Chris asks himself. He stands up, wearing nothing but boxer shorts and walks to the kitchen. He has a terrible hangover and nearly trips over his shoe. Chris makes two cups of hot coffee, and sits in front of the TV while drinking one. As he is watching the weather report, the girl wakes up.

 

"Chris? Honey?" shouts the girl from the bedroom. Chris still had no idea who she was or how she got there.

 

"Honey?!" Chris thinks..."It must have a terrible hangover, I feel like every sound is pounding into my head!"

 

"I'm here! I made some coffee, help yourself!" Chris shouts from his recliner. He tried to make it look as if he remembers. He still has no idea who the girl was and was making his lines up along the way.

 

"You have any sugar?" asks the girl. Chris looks at her and notices she was an angel. A true sight for soar eyes.

 

"I'm looking at some!" Replied Chris.

 

"Oh stop it! You're making me blush!" Says the girl. Chris approached the girl and showed her where he kept his sugar. The girl suddenly pushed him to his room and pushed him on the bed, lies on him and says:

 

"You were amazing last night" The girl gives him a long kiss... "And you rock at dancing!"

 

"Dancing?" Thinks Chris. The girl gets up and gets her panties on.

 

"Did I give you my number yet?" asks the girl.

 

"Nope, can you write it on a piece of paper, along with your beautiful name?" Asks Chris.

 

"Of course!" The girl gives him a small piece of paper. Chris saves the number on his Cell and reads the name Jenny on the paper.

 

"So, Jenny...Where were we?" Jenna strips again and lies onto Chris, they cover themselves.

 

2 hours later...

 

Chris and Jenny did their thing, and just when Chris was getting dressed into his casual outfit, he receives a call from Mark.

 

"Meet me in the sawmill in 15 minutes." Mark hung up on Chris.

 

"Jenny, are you staying here?" Asked Chris.

 

"No snookums, I have to go to my place, why?" replied Jenna.

 

"Oh, nothing Jen, I have some business to take care of." said Chris.

 

"Can you take me back home then, it's just across the Hospital?" asked Jen

"No problem, let's go!" Chris replies and takes his car keys. Chris gets into the Kuruma and Jen sat next to him. They didn't talk much. Chris took her to her apartment.

 

"Well, see ya!" said Chris. Jen kissed Chris and combed his hair with her fingers.

 

"Call me!" shouted the girl while waving at Chris. Chris sped up to the sawmill, which was less than a mile away. He notices a sign that said: "Employees only!". Chris turned the car off and jumped across the wall. Chris notices that the door was busted open and approaches cautiously.

 

"Mark!?" Shouts Chris. He hears footsteps behind him, and as he turned around, the last thing he saw was a shotgun stock about to black him out...

Edited April 8, 2008 by Claude GTA3

[Claude GTA3]

Does anyone even read this, I mean, I'm trying really hard to improve, and trying to make an impression on you lot. The last chapter was meant to make you hunger for more, but I guess these are just dreams. You guys leave all these nice comments, but I'd rather like for someone to read it.

[Vercetti21]

Does anyone even read this, I mean, I'm trying really hard to improve, and trying to make an impression on you lot. The last chapter was meant to make you hunger for more, but I guess these are just dreams. You guys leave all these nice comments, but I'd rather like for someone to read it.

Don't worry about other people. It's good you want to improve your writing, and I'm glad you recognize that criticism from others is the best way to do that. However, the amount of people reading your story should not have an effect on the decision to continue the story or not. Write for you. This is all meant for fun. If you don't enjoy writing and are only doing it to impress us, don't bother. But if you like writing and you are attached to your story, continue, and forget everyone else. I know it's nice to get some comments on your own work, but just remember to write for you and no one else.

 

I haven't been the most active in the past few days, but I'll have a quick read over it later so I can get fully caught up on the story.

[Typhus]

Yes, I read it. It is good. In fact it is the best story on these forums. Why do people criticise you? I would like for them to try and do better themselves. Because criticism is wrong. Differing opinions are wrong. Saying anything that is not wrapped up in a sunny smile is wrong.

With that in mind I just have to tell you that you are the greatest writer on this forum. And you got there through your own hard work and determination

[Claude GTA3]

Thanks guys, it truly is nice to know that someone appreciates my work, well anyways, here's...

 

Chapter 7 - A friend I used to have...

 

Chris barely opens his tired eyes, still tortured by his hangover, he fully wakes up. He notices that he is sitting on a bloody chair, bleeding. He is tied to the chair. Chris notices that his cellphone was peeking from his back pocket near his hands. Mark appears. He seems to be holding a shotgun with a bloody stock.

 

"Well, well, well. if it isn't Chris, the "Made man"!" Says Mark.

 

"I thought we were friends! Why would you do this?!" asks Chris.

 

"Yes, we were friends until you started to hang out with those greaseballs!" Mark replies. "Yeah, I'm friends with the Don, so I guess you're alone now! Alone!"

 

"YOU'RE A MANIAC! WE'RE 18, WE'RE JUST KIDS YOU PSYCHO!" shouts Chris.

 

"18? Oh, wait, it's your birthday tomorrow, isn't it? Oh my god, little Chrissy is 19. Oh gee, they grow up so fast..." says Mark and started dancing and clapping his hands.

 

"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, hap-" Mark is interrupted.

 

"You're NUTS!!!" shouts Chris.

 

"Oh am I?" asks Mark... "Am I really?!" Mark starts laughing maniacally. Chris manages to reach his cell and type Johnny's number. He leaves the cell for Johny to listen, and hopefully understand that Chris is sending a cry for help.

 

"Why are you doing this?" asks Chris.

 

"No reason really, I always wanted to see you suffer! You always stole my thunder, ALWAYS!" shouts Mark.

 

"And now, ladies and... well, ladies, you WILL excuse me. I have to take a leak..." says Mark and starts to laugh maniacally. Meanwhile, Johnny heard everything Mark told him. While Mark was taking a piss on the other side of the sawmill, Chris says: "Atlantic Quays Sawmill!" a few times, hoping that Johnny will catch it. Johnny managed to catch the sawmill part, which was enough for him. Johnny took Tony and a few Leone goons to help Chris. Mark returned.

 

"That was a very good leak, a very good one indeed!" cheerfully said Mark.

 

"You are one messed up mother-" Chris is interrupted!

 

"OH AM I?! YOUR FACE IS ABOUT TO BECOME WAY MORE MESSED UP THAN ME!!" Mark shouts in anger. Mark cocks the shotgun and is about to splatter Chris's head all over the wall when Johnny came in.

 

"What the?!" shout Mark and points the shotgun at Johnny. Chris stands on his feet, carrying the chair with him and tackles Mark. Johnny unties him and Tony is about to shoot Mark in the head when suddenly he Mark kicks his gun from his hands and runs trough a window.

 

"This isn't the last of me!!" Mark shouts from the outside. Chris faints.

 

A week later...

 

Chris wakes up in the hospital and sees a bouquet of flowers with a note attached to it.

 

"You suffered a mild concussion, I'm glad you're alive and well, I hope to see you soon, you big goof! Love, Jennifer."

 

Chris tried to get up from bed, but a nurse nearby told him not to. He is concerned about Johnny, and wondering what happened to Mark. Chris spends the day eating pudding and watching some lame reality show with the elderly.

 

"Chris, you've got some visitors!" said the nurse "They are in your room at the moment." Chris enters, and the whole gang is there. Johnny, Tony, Toni and Joey.

 

"Don..?" Chris asked in astonishment.

 

"Call me Joey, please. Oh,and I have a surprise for you. Look behind you..." replies Joey. Chris turns around and sees Jen. His face turns red and he gently grabbed her hand.

 

"You met at a party we went after we were at my place. I'd be surprised if you didn't remember a thing. You drank gallons of Alcohol." said Joey.

 

"OK kid, get dressed, you have a job to do, and that wacko is still out there" says Toni and offers Chris a handshake. Chris gave him a firm handshake and smiled. Toni was still grumpy, but gained a new friend.

 

"Joey...Mark said something that kinda...well, disturbed me. It's about you." says Chris.

 

"What is it?" asks Joey

 

"He said that you and him were allies, along with the whole Mafia." Chris replies. Joey chuckled...

 

"He did two jobs for me. I treated him as a friend, but it all got into his head, he is a wacko." said Joey.

 

"Tell me about it." said Chris. They all went for a drink at Joey's Club on the cliff, and spent a beautiful, cheery evening.

Edited April 8, 2008 by Claude GTA3

[Lochie_old]

Its getting much better! Just a few grammar errors but your really progressing.

 

I'm looking forward to the next chapter.

[Hell Man]

Does anyone even read this, I mean, I'm trying really hard to improve, and trying to make an impression on you lot. The last chapter was meant to make you hunger for more, but I guess these are just dreams. You guys leave all these nice comments, but I'd rather like for someone to read it.

Well DUH, I told you that i read this and I think it's cool.

[Claude GTA3]

Chapter 8 - The first date

 

Chris wakes up feeling a little woozy, probably because he had too much to drink again. He notices women's clothing on his bed and around the room. He saw Jen on the couch, watching TV.

 

"Good morning." said Jen

 

Chris yawns "Good morning...". Chris goes to the bathroom and takes a shower. Nothing special was scheduled for the day, since it was the weekend. Chris gets out of the bathroom smelling fresh with a clean shave.

 

"Somebody's looking handsome today!" Jen smiles.

 

"I could say the same thing for you every time I lay my eyes on you" replies Chris.

 

"Aww... That's so sweet! Anyways, come sit near me, we have to talk about stuff, get to know each other. I am your girlfriend and I barely know you, since we hung out for a single day until you got beaten." says Jen. Chris sits under her feet on the couch and says:

 

"K, let's talk... Well, I'm Chris...I don't really have a surname, I was an orphan. I had a pretty much sh*tty life until I met you. I'm 19... And well, that's basically it..."

 

"Wow, you sure can make things short... Well, we met at a party your boss took you. I'm a friend of Misty's. I'm 20... Oh, and one more thing to clear up. Just because I slept with you doesn't make me a slut. I did it because I was drunk, and believe me, I did NOT regret it."

replied Jen.

 

"Why thank you... You weren't half bad either." said Chris. Jen took that as a compliment.

 

"Go make me a cup of coffee, please." said Jen. Chris goes to the bar in the kitchen and asks:

 

"Uhh...there's one thing I'd like to ask you..."

 

"Shoot!" replied Jen.

 

"Would you like to move in here? I mean, there's no rent to pay, you have a nice view, and of course, there's me. I really, really like you and-" Chris is interrputed.

 

"You flatter me Chris. Sure I will, I'll have to phone my landlady to tell her I moved out. May I?" asked Jen

 

"Mi casa es su casa!" replied Chris. Jen calls her landlady and tells her about her moving out. Jen puts her hand on the speaker and asks Chris if he'd drive her to take her stuff. Chris replied positively. Chris gives Jen her cup of coffee and recieves a slap on the butt.

 

"Whoa!" said Chris and just took a look at Jen. Chris was very pleased about himself and felt happy for a change, but then his mind skipped his happiness and unfortunately thought of Mark. Chris pages Johnny to check Mark's apatment on the edge of the Red Light District.

 

"I'm done, can you take me to take my stuff now? Just let me get dressed." asked Jen.

 

"Sure!" replied Chris. They were both in their underwear, and went to get dressed. Chris felt that this short trip might turn into a date of some sort, so he got dressed in the suit Joey gave him. Jen whistled at him. Chris replied using the same method. They both got out of the apartment and headed for the car. He took her to her apartment and they got her stuff.

 

"I'm hungry! Can we go grab a bite someplace?" asked Jen

 

"For sure, what are you in the mood for?" asked Chris

 

"Italian food, some spaghetti or a pizza would be nice." replied Jen

 

"You're lucky, I know a great place!" said Chris. He drove off to Cipriani's Ristorante. They found a table and sat. Toni appeared.

 

"What can I get you?" He asked.

 

"Two plates of Spaghetti with tomato sauce and a bottle of your finest red wine, is that fine with you Jen?" asked Chris.

 

"Perfectly." she replied. Toni dissapeared as Chris received a ppgone call from Johnny.

 

"Hey champ, nothing there, the landlord said that he moved away yesterday." said Johnny.

 

"That's fine, thanks for your time." replied Chris

 

"Any time champ." said Johnny and hung up. Chris couldn't help thinking that Mark could be anywhere, watching. Chris made the bad thoughts go away, and focused on Jen. They were looking at each other passionately, not talking, but knowing that nothing could ruin this moment. The food came, and Toni billed them.

 

"That would be 200 dollars, Chris"

 

"Here you go Toni, have a nice day!" replied Chris

 

"You too kid!" said Toni and walked away. The day went on well. After their date, the young couple went out for a walk in Belleville, and for a little shopping in Belleville mall. The night fell and they went back home.

 

"I'm exhausted!" said Jen.

 

"I'm beat!" Chris said. They both just dropped on the bed and turned the TV on. They stripped from the excess clothing and started watching TV.

 

"I'm all cramped up, and my feet hurt, can you give me a foot massage?" asked Jen. Chris proceeded and they both spent the rest of the night in the bed watching TV.

[Vercetti21]

I've now caught up on reading.

 

The story is very basic. There's a lot of "Chris does this, Chris does that," without really any true writing at all. You're telling the reader everything that happens rather than showing them, and that can detract from the reader's interest. On top of that, the character names are too simple and the dialog is weak - it's all plain, corny with nearly no emotion - making the characters seem, for lack of a better word, immature. Sadly, improving this is not an overnight process - it comes with time, maturity, and experience.

 

There are also flaws within the story itself. For example - the simple fact that Chris and Jen are now dating, yet they know nothing about each other. In the real world, just because two people have sex does not necessarily mean they are together. This hinders the realism aspect of the story, making it less believable to the reader.

 

All in all, nothing really jumps out at me that says this story is great, but you have tons of room for improvement. Keep at it, as you'll find that the more you write, the better you get.

Edited April 10, 2008 by Vercetti21

[Claude GTA3]

Thanks a lot. I really should be making more plot twists and stuff. About generic names... well, Johnny is actually Giovanni, Toni is Antonio, Chris is Christopher, Tony is Anthony, etc. About showing the readers instead of telling them stuff, give me an example. I really am kinda new to this, so yeah, please. Help.

[Vercetti21]

Sure, I'd be glad to help.

 

 

Chris wakes up feeling a little woozy, probably because he had too much to drink again. He notices women's clothing on his bed and around the room. He saw Jen on the couch, watching TV.

 

"Good morning." said Jen

 

Sheesh, just looking at the first few sentences, the reader can sense the blandness of how the story is being told. Notice how everything is very structured and non-flexible. Also, the sentences are basic and to-the-point, rather than entertaining and detailed. My version:

 

 

Chris awakens slowly, feeling sick from the previous night. His head throbs painfully, his stomach turns inside out. As he struggles to maintain himself and get out of bed, he notices the remains of a woman's attire scattered throughout the room. He glares over to the couch, and Jen glares back, turning her head from the busy television.

 

"Good morning," she smiles seductively.

 

Not the best example, but you get the idea. There is a balance between winding, detailed sentences and short sentences, but the short sentences are not too basic. Notice how I don't just tell the reader that Chris is sick from drinking, but instead, I suggest it. "Sick from the previous night", "head throbs", "stomach turns inside out". The reader is able to connect two and two and know that he has a hangover, rather than simply "he is sick from drinking the night before". Overall, there is a lot more detail, and the reader is allowed much more freedom.

 

Also, don't overuse the word "said". You can mix up different words and phrases, such as in the example above.

 

"Hi," James said.

"Hello," said Laura.

James said, "I have a giant dick."

"Oh my," Laura said.

 

It gets boring, right? Look how much more interesting it can be when you add personality to the characters' dialog, and how much more diverse the story is by using words and phrases rather than just, "said".

 

"Hey baby," James smiled casually.

"Hello," Laura answered, somewhat uninterested.

James whispered in her ear, "I have a giant dick."

"Oh my!" Laura exclaimed.

 

Another example from your story:

 

"Somebody's looking handsome today!" Jen smiles.

 

"I could say the same thing for you every time I lay my eyes on you" replies Chris.

Not to be mean, but that's one of the cheesiest things I've ever read.

 

You have to take every character into consideration when writing their dialog. How do they speak? Do they have an accent? What's their personality like? How would they react to this and that? You get the idea. Chris is supposed to be a gangster, a bad ass. Would a tough guy like that really try to sweet talk a girl, or is he going to be stand-offish? Of course, the latter. He's going to pretend to be uninterested in her, and that's going to make her want him more. It's the basic tough guy strategy to get women.

 

I'd critique some more, and I know I've missed some critical spots that should be fixed, but I'm too tired right now. I'm hoping someone will add on to what I've mentioned, but if not I'll be back later.

[Claude GTA3]

Thanks for being honest with me, I really appreciate that. I think I'll stick to the action abd gub-running, since I hate writing about love.

 

EDIT: I'm banned from the PC, please keep commenting and critisizing, but please, be considerate. Vercetti21 crushed me!

 

Nah, joking, but really, try to be a bit kinder towards my geelings. From now on, there will be more action, less girlfriends, more guns, more crime, more, just more!

 

I'm also trying to figure out how to give Claude a key role in this story, and making him stay with Chris as a sidekick of a sort, but it's sorta vice-versa. Help me out!

Edited April 10, 2008 by Claude GTA3

[Claude GTA3]

Chapter 9 - The key to the city

 

Chris was already awake, worrying about Mark. Jen was away, she left a note on the pillow saying that she as to visit her sick aunt in Carcer City, and might stay there for a while. Chris was called by Joey in need of a favor. Chris drove off to Joey's place.

 

"I need you to a favor for me..." Joey exclaimed.

 

"Get to the point, I'm in a bad mood. What do I have to steal" Chris asked casually.

 

"Not steal, but kill. Yeah, I need you to kill the Mayor, I'm starting to follow my father's footsteps." Joey replied.

 

"Isn't this kinda too big for me, Sure, I'll do it, but how do I know I won't get caught?" cockily asked Chris.

 

"You don't! I want to become the Mayor, that will make the family reach new heights, besides, I can give you an alibi. I'm practically untouchable." replied Joey.

 

"OK, OK, When do I do it, and what's in it for me." asked Chris

 

"Today, in 2 hours, there's a press conference just in front of the museum. It will be a risky operation, since it's just next to the police station. Here, take this." Joey hands Chris a PSG1.

 

"How much money are we talking about?" asked Chris while inspecting the rifle.

 

"How about five hundred thousand dollars, and being my right hand man?" Joey offered while crossing his legs and grabbing a Cuban cigar.

 

"Fair enough... It's a deal, OK then, I'm off." Chris leaves but turns his head and asks Joey if he may take one of his Sentinels. Joey positively replied and threw Chris the keys. He got into the stylish black car and sped off to the Callahan bridge. He got off the bridge and left the car in the AMCo parking lot. Chris got into the building which was crowded by businessmen. He hid the rifle in a duffel bag he picked up from home before coming to Staunton. He saw an elevator, and thought it would be too risky if anybody noticed him. It was a good thing he was wearing the Leone suit, so he was less recognizable. Chris headed towards the emergency exit, and started walking towards the top. After getting halfway there, Chris was tired as hell, he started huffing and lit a cigar up. Chris took a look at his watch and saw he only had 15 minutes left until the press conference starts. Chris started running and after about ten minutes, he got to the top. Chris opened his duffel bag and took a pair of leather gloves he packed just in case. Chris slipped the gloves on and took a rag from the bag. He gently wiped the prints off the rifle and crouched. The press conference started. Chris attached the scope and got prepared, and stood in position. The mayor got out of his limo and made his way to the top of the stairs trough the crowds. Chris gently pulled his trigger. Chris hesitated, but then shook his head and fired the shot. The bullet obviously didn't exit the Mayor's head so he had no worries of the forensics finding it. He used the lighter fluid he had and spilled it in the bag, putting the rifle and the rag in it. Chris threw the cigarette into the bag which went up in flames, destroying any evidence. Chris went back into the stairwell and exited on the nearest floor, and people there were already panicking. He started "panicking" aswell to fit in the crowd. After quickly getting into the elevator, he got out of the building in no time. He ran to his car and casually drove off to Portland. Chris drove to Joey's to pick the money up.

 

"My made man! I saw the news!" cheerfully exclaimed Joey.

 

"I just want the money." moodily replied Chris.

 

"Here you are, have fun!" Joey handed Chris a heavy briefcase.

 

"Thank you, see you later." casually said Chris and leaves the house. Chris drove off to his apartment and spent the rest of the day not caring for anyone or anything, and focusing his mind on one thing... Mark!

[Claude GTA3]

Any improvements, my lord Vercetti?

 

I had to get rid of Jen for a while and focus on action.

 

She'll be back... If you want.

[Vercetti21]

 

"Fair enough... It's a deal, OK then, I'm off." Chris leaves but turns his head and asks Joey if he may take one of his Sentinels. Joey positively replied and threw Chris the keys. He got into the stylish black car and sped off to the Callahan bridge. He got off the bridge and left the car in the AMCo parking lot. Chris got into the building which was crowded by businessmen. He hid the rifle in a duffel bag he picked up from home before coming to Staunton. He saw an elevator, and thought it would be too risky if anybody noticed him. It was a good thing he was wearing the Leone suit, so he was less recognizable. Chris headed towards the emergency exit, and started walking towards the top. After getting halfway there, Chris was tired as hell, he started huffing and lit a cigar up. Chris took a look at his watch and saw he only had 15 minutes left until the press conference starts. Chris started running and after about ten minutes, he got to the top. Chris opened his duffel bag and took a pair of leather gloves he packed just in case. Chris slipped the gloves on and took a rag from the bag. He gently wiped the prints off the rifle and crouched. The press conference started. Chris attached the scope and got prepared, and stood in position. The mayor got out of his limo and made his way to the top of the stairs trough the crowds. Chris gently pulled his trigger. Chris hesitated, but then shook his head and fired the shot. The bullet obviously didn't exit the Mayor's head so he had no worries of the forensics finding it. He used the lighter fluid he had and spilled it in the bag, putting the rifle and the rag in it. Chris threw the cigarette into the bag which went up in flames, destroying any evidence. Chris went back into the stairwell and exited on the nearest floor, and people there were already panicking. He started "panicking" aswell to fit in the crowd. After quickly getting into the elevator, he got out of the building in no time. He ran to his car and casually drove off to Portland. Chris drove to Joey's to pick the money up.

Giant, chunky paragraphs are a big no-no around here. Segment the story more, and everything will look a lot cleaner. The writing itself still needs a lot of work, but like I said, most of what you need to improve on comes with time, maturity and practice.

 

 

She'll be back... If you want.

This is your piece, not mine. I'm only here to criticize and help you improve on the writing, not take over the story for myself. Do what you want to do and don't be so dependent on my advice.

 

If you truly want to become better at this, I'd suggest reading the Guide to Writing if you haven't yet. And I don't mean just scanning though it - I mean really, really reading it, word for word. Hell, study the sh*t out of that thing, and apply what you learn into your work. You'll be a better writer in no time.

Edited April 12, 2008 by Vercetti21

[DavidGC]

We're gonna need a whole lot of rum.

f*ck the rum; we're going to need 3 pounds of hash and a large stick to help this poor f*cker.

 

Listen, I don't mean to sound a little too critical here, but when someone offers you advise when you ask for it, you're best to take it. What you do with it is up to you, but at least read what they say.

 

Anyhow, paragraphs are definitely needed. Spelling, grammar, and all that kind of basic formatting stuff is just expected when writing a story. You shouldn’t have to be told, “Oh, put a space there” or “Put a comma here”. Sure, we all make mistakes, but Microsoft Word and other writing programs can help you with that. I would suggest getting familiar with the basic formatting and planning of the story, before jumping in to all the details. As suggested, read the guide, study it, memorize it, read it on the sh*tter, whatever.

 

Mind you, this isn't the worst I've seen, but it's certainly not the best.

[Claude GTA3]

We're gonna need a whole lot of rum.

f*ck the rum; we're going to need 3 pounds of hash and a large stick to help this poor f*cker.

 

Listen, I don't mean to sound a little too critical here, but when someone offers you advise when you ask for it, you're best to take it. What you do with it is up to you, but at least read what they say.

 

Anyhow, paragraphs are definitely needed. Spelling, grammar, and all that kind of basic formatting stuff is just expected when writing a story. You shouldn’t have to be told, “Oh, put a space there” or “Put a comma here”. Sure, we all make mistakes, but Microsoft Word and other writing programs can help you with that. I would suggest getting familiar with the basic formatting and planning of the story, before jumping in to all the details. As suggested, read the guide, study it, memorize it, read it on the sh*tter, whatever.

 

Mind you, this isn't the worst I've seen, but it's certainly not the best.

Thanks, I guess. But really, cut me some slack, English isn't my native tongue, and I'm really new to this. This is the only way to express myself, since I can't mod. Everybody was bad at first.

[DavidGC]

We're gonna need a whole lot of rum.

f*ck the rum; we're going to need 3 pounds of hash and a large stick to help this poor f*cker.

 

Listen, I don't mean to sound a little too critical here, but when someone offers you advise when you ask for it, you're best to take it. What you do with it is up to you, but at least read what they say.

 

Anyhow, paragraphs are definitely needed. Spelling, grammar, and all that kind of basic formatting stuff is just expected when writing a story. You shouldn’t have to be told, “Oh, put a space there” or “Put a comma here”. Sure, we all make mistakes, but Microsoft Word and other writing programs can help you with that. I would suggest getting familiar with the basic formatting and planning of the story, before jumping in to all the details. As suggested, read the guide, study it, memorize it, read it on the sh*tter, whatever.

 

Mind you, this isn't the worst I've seen, but it's certainly not the best.

Thanks, I guess. But really, cut me some slack, English isn't my native tongue, and I'm really new to this. This is the only way to express myself, since I can't mod. Everybody was bad at first.

Well read the writing guide and try extending your vocab. It's getting better as the chapters go by, so keep it up. Take your time too, don't feel like you have to release new chapters every day or anything.

 

Keep working at it!

[Claude GTA3]

Thank you. Really, I appreciate the support.

[Claude GTA3]

I need time to think some sh*t over, so here's a deeper chapter with no action or love, just thoughts. Yes, it's true I kind of channel my emotions trough this, and based Chris after me, please respect that.

 

Chapter 10 - A made man

 

It's night time. Chris is in an on a roof of a small apartment building, smoking a cigarette, thinking about this future, thinking if his current "career" will conceive bigger opportunities or enemies. Is this right? Why am I doing this? Those were the questions puzzling him.

 

Chris didn't care about the profits, he thinks he doesn't even care for Jen, despite the fact he wants to make her feel as comfortable as possible. Chris lays down and looks at the sky, barely seeing a few stars and a lot of pollution. The city emitted the sounds of crime. Gunshots, cries for help, police sirens, loud swearing...Chris needed some peace and quiet. Chris saw a hungry homeless person digging trough the garbage, and suddenly, Chris felt a sharp pain in his chest. The cigarette was smoked to the filter, and Chris flicked it. He took the fire escape stairs down to the alley. Chris noticed his car was missing, but didn't care, just looked down and continued walking towards Saint Marks. Steam was coming out of some drains, and rats were infesting garbage cans and boxes laying around alleys and the pavement. The city had a vile odor, an odor Chris couldn't take. It was the odor of blood, blood Chris spilled, the blood of a young Mexican he pummeled to death, the blood of a Chinese guy whose neck he snapped like a twig, the blood of the poor Mayor whose head he shot trough.

Chris needed a peaceful place to think. He is standing just in front of Joey's house, in which a party was held. Everyone was there, and of course, Chris was invited. The whole party was actually for him, but he turned right and went down to the beach. He sat near the sea which was washing the horrible sounds of the city away. Chris took a rock and threw it. He did it quite a few times, and then, frustrated because of Mark, who stabbed him in the back, screamed at the top of his lungs. He heard footsteps behind him, and swiftly pointed a gun at Misty.

 

"Calm down, I know why you're here. I also need to think my life trough sometimes..." Misty said calmly, slowly approaching Chris. She put her hand on his shoulder and they both sat down on the gentle sand.

 

"Does Joey know? I don't want to end up in a trunk of a car tomorrow." Chris asked in a shaky voice.

 

"Don't worry about that, I know you had a tough life kid, most of us did. Let it out, let all the emotions out, don't bottle it all up inside" Misty hugged Chris who started crying.

 

"OK, now, wipe those tears away, and go up there, Joey is waiting for you, he just got elected for the new Mayor, and wants to show his gratitude" Misty stood up and gave Chris a boost up.. They both slowly walked all the way to Joey's driveway. Chris and Misty went into the mansion and Chris smiled, wiping his eyes once again, thinking, "I have friends now, people care for me...". Misty walked to joey, took his hand and winked at Chris.

 

"It's all taken care of, he's fine now" she whispered into Joey's ear. Joey approached Chris, and hugged him, promising him he will never have any problems anymore, which wasn't true. Joey couldn't buy Chris's happiness, but could offer him friendship, which Chris appreciated. Everyone congratulated Chris and they partied the night away, while Chris was sitting and thinking.

Edited April 14, 2008 by Claude GTA3

[Vercetti21]

I'm seeing some improvement already.

 

The good:

 

Detail. You paid attention to nearly every sense the protagonist feels, giving an atmosphere to the story. Very cool.

 

 

The city emitted the sounds of crime. Gunshots, cries for help, police sirens, loud swearing...Chris needed some peace and quiet. Chris saw a hungry homeless person digging trough the garbage, and suddenly, Chris felt a sharp pain in his chest. The cigarette was smoked to the filter, and Chris flicked it. He took the fire escape stairs down to the alley. Chris noticed his car was missing, but didn't care, just looked down and continued walking towards Saint Marks. Steam was coming out of some drains, and rats were infesting garbage cans and boxes laying around alleys and the pavement. The city had a vile odor, an odor Chris couldn't take. It was the odor of blood, blood Chris spilled, the blood of a young Mexican he pummeled to death, the blood of a Chinese guy whose neck he snapped like a twig, the blood of the poor Mayor whose head he shot trough.

 

The bad:

 

You used the big paragraphs again. Segment the story. Also, there are plenty of grammatical errors. Be sure to write in Microsoft Word, fix any mistakes, and copy/paste it over here.

[Claude GTA3]

My comments, dude!

Lol, where's the ugly?

 

Anyway, thanks for the support.

[Claude GTA3]

Chapter 11 - A special assignment

 

The party is still ongoing; Chris got up a while ago and stopped worrying about the future.

 

"Listen, everybody, I have an announcement to make!" Joey shouted and stood up.

 

"This man made my dream come true..." Joey points at Chris "... It's time I pay him back. The Leones have taken over most of Staunton, and the Yakuza are almost non existant there." Everyone starts cheering. "Calm down, calm down! Let me get to the point. You, Chris, are going to be my right hand man, and I need for you to kill a certain someone..." Joey points at the picture with darts in it.

 

Everyone now became dead silent. Toni was frustrated, he made a frown and mumbled something.

 

"I want you to kill this man, the man that killed my father!" Joey starts crying. Misty approaches Joey and gives him a pat on the back.

 

"The coward is hiding somewhere in Staunton, and we- no, I need you to eradicate him!" Joey became mad and threw Chris some car keys.

 

"Take one of the Sentinels, and I want his head on my platter!"

 

Chris just walked away while everyone was sitting quiet, acting as if they saw a ghost.

 

"Who the hell is this tough guy... Why the hell are they so afraid of him? I heard Don Salvatore was a geezer, It could've been an easy kill..." Chris thought. He entered the car and started speeding away towards Staunton. Chris receives a phone call.

 

"Listen kid, you'll need a place to lie low for a while, this guy ain't no amateur... I should know. Take my old place behind the Multistory Carpark in Newport, It's an apartment building, so you can crack it, since there is no landlord." The phone call ended and Toni hung up.

 

Chris parked his Sentinel near a busted garage and entered an old building. There were people around, mostly prostitutes, some with children. As Chris walked by, every girl had a sleazy pick-up line, just to steal his money. Chris found the apartment he was looking for and picked the door's lock.

 

As he entered, the place wasn't very luxurious, but not bad either. There was some mildew around, but nothing that bad. Chris called Jen.

 

"Listen, I don't have time to talk, I just want you to know that I won't be around the apartment if you come back from Carcer, so I left you the keys at the usual place, see you babe!" Chris hung up and threw his tired body on a soft, dusty couch and went to sleep.

[Canofceleri]

I've now caught up on reading.

 

The story is very basic. There's a lot of "Chris does this, Chris does that," without really any true writing at all. You're telling the reader everything that happens rather than showing them, and that can detract from the reader's interest.

Exactly what I was thinking. It is much less interesting to just say this happened and then this happened and then that happened. Most of this stuff is pretty much written how I write an outline of a story. It needs to be fleshed out and given detail.

[Claude GTA3]

Thank you for reading this. I'm not as good as you guys are, but sure, I'll

lay off the "Chris does this" thing, it's kinda bugging me too, but I can't find a way to avoid it.

[Typhus]

Yes, it's true I kind of channel my emotions trough this, and based Chris after me, please respect that.

Erm...why? Why say "respect that"? Especially when no one was disrespecting you in the first place.