Jump to content

Joke's


GTAfanboy

Recommended Posts

I know this has nothing to do with GTA 4 but i thought i'd post just so people could have a good laugh, and maybe relieve some of the stress until GTA 4 get here. also make sure to read through all of it. it's hilarious

 

Change your course now

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

 

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.

 

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

 

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

 

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

 

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

 

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

 

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

 

 

 

 

 

Robber met animals

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.

 

He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

 

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

 

"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

 

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

 

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

 

"Yes", said the parrot.

 

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"

 

"Clarence," said the bird.

 

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

 

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the rottweiler Jesus."

 

lol.gif

Edited by GTAfanboy
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Three friends were playing golf one beautiful Sunday morning, as usual, and they never missed a weekend. As one of them was about to take the first tee a guy, by himself, asked if he could join their flight. The friends looked at each other and figured “sure, why not,” as they haven’t played with anyone else in quite some time.

 

So they teed off and all four were getting along pretty well. Right about the turn, on the 9th hole, they were all chit chatting and getting to know one another. Curious, one of the friends asked the new guy what he did for a living and, funny enough, he told them he was a hitman. They all kind of laughed it off, and asked him again - this time seriously.

 

The stranger said “No really, I’m hitman. My gun is in my golf bag, I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you don’t believe me, I’ve never been dishonest.”

 

So one of the guys in the group decided to take him up on the offer and, opening the bag, sure enough revealed a really nice rifle with huge scope mounted at the top. He got all excited about it. He said “WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look through it?”

 

“Sure,” said the stranger.

 

So the man looked around for a second and said “HELL YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There’s my wife, naked. Sweet! Isn’t she beautiful? WAIT! There’s my next door neighbor! He’s naked too! And he’s in my room!”

 

This upset the golfer, terribly, so he asked the hitman how much he would charge for a hit. The hit man replied “It’s $1000 every time I pull the trigger.” The man said “$1000, ouch! Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She’s always nagging at me and I can’t stand it. Then I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the crotch, for screwing around with my wife.”

 

The hit man agrees, gears up and takes aim through the scope. He’s looking for what has to be 10 minutes. The golfer begins to get impatient and asks the hitman what he’s waiting for. The hitman replies kind of anxiously, “Just hold on a minute… I’m about to save you a thousand bucks!”

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Two hungry cannibals are walking through the woods and find a man who recently died. Seizing the opportunity, one cannibal says to the other, “Check this out! You start at the feet and I’ll start at the head and we’ll meet in the middle!”

 

So the two cannibals start eating. After about 15 minutes one of them stops eating, looks up, and says, “I don’t know about you, but this is great! How you doing?”

 

The other cannibal answers, “This is great! I’m havin’ a ball!”

The first cannibal replies “Hey, no fair! You’re eating too fast!”

Link to comment
Share on other sites

One day a young boy and his grandpa were out fishing together. About and hour or so in the grandpa gets thirsty and decides to crack open a beer.

 

The little boy said: "Grandpa, can I have some of that?"

And the Grandpa replies: "Well does your wiener touch your butt hole?"

The boy responds: "Well, no..."

"Then you can't have any" said the grandpa.

 

About another hour later the grandpa is bored (their not having much luck) and he decides to smoke a cigar.

 

The little boy says: "Grandpa, can I have some of that?"

And of course the grandpa replies: "Well does your wiener touch your butt hole?"

The boy responds once again: "Well, no..."

 

So a bit later the boy gets hungry and decides to eat some cookies.

 

The grandpa says: "Can I have some of those cookies?"

The little boy says: "Well, does your wiener touch your butt hole?"

The grandpa responds proudly: "Of course it does"

 

And the little boy responds: "Well then go f*ck yourself, grandma made these cookies for ME!!!! tounge.gif

Link to comment
Share on other sites

gruppe_sechs

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

 

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

 

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

 

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

 

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

 

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

 

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"

LOL

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
  • 1 User Currently Viewing
    0 members, 0 Anonymous, 1 Guest

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using GTAForums.com, you agree to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy.