Caverns

[Pat]

 

Caverns

By P.R. Tucker

 

 

Prologue

 

Cole Garder looks down at his fully packed backpack, going over the items a third time. In one hour, he would be off to Savage Gulf Caverns, the biggest cave in Tennessee. He was going with five friends: Jake Hellen, Christie Sharles, Dan Kipson, Chris Rachelson, and his girlfriend, Sue Cambel. They would be staying in the cave two nights, then, on the third day, they would head home, ready for showers, hot meals, and sleeping in their own beds.

 

“Cole,” he heard his mother call from the living room, “how long are you going to be gone, again?”

“Two days, mom!”

“Oh. Are you almost ready to go?”

“Yeah, I just have to do one thing.”

 

He walked across the room and grabbed his cellphone, then flipped it open. Full battery. He flipped it shut, and slipped it into his pocket.

 

“Alright, mom, I'm coming downstairs!”

 

He slung the backpack over his arm, and lifted it off the bed, grunting from the weight. “Jesus, this thing is heavy!” he said to himself, while walking down the hall to the stairs. He took the first few steps, then lost his footing on the fourth. He shut his eyes, and imagined himself falling, breaking his neck, going to the hospital, and missing the trip. He rolled over in mid-air and landed on his backpack, which landed in front of the stairs. He grunted in pain, and opened his eyes, seeing the living room upside down, his mother running towards him.

 

“Oh my god, Cole, are you okay?”

“Yeah, mom, just had a bit of a fall.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I'm fine.”

 

She reached down, and grabbed his hand. After three attempts, she was finally able to pull him up. She brushed off his back as he walked from the living room to the kitchen. He stopped at the door leading to the driveway, and turned around.

 

“Bye, mom. I'll see you on Sunday.”

“Have fun, dear!”

 

They hugged, and he went outside. She watched him from the window on the door, as he put his backpack into the backseat of his four door Honda, then got into the driver's seat. He started it, gave her one last wave, and backed out of the driveway. That was the last time she ever saw him.

 

---

 

I would've actually tabbed each of my paragraphs using this image (it's just a blank GIF that's about two spaces wide), but I was only able to tab half of them before I reached the image limit. Oh well.

 

Expect the first chapter within the next week.

 

Edit: Missed a minor spelling mistake with Cole's last name. Fixed now.

Edited March 22, 2008 by Pat

[The Unvirginiser]

Sounds promosing

i'll read the next chapter

[Pat]

Thanks, man. It's been a while since I've posted a story, not to mention my last one (Book of Souls, or something like that) was pretty sh*tty.

[Oblivionz]

Great, Pat. Thanks for telling me about this though. (Not! )

Looks very promising, when are you going to post the next chapter?

[Pat]

Like I said, within the next week.

 

I think I've released too much about my previous stories, so I'm going to try and keep to myself about them from now on.

[longkissgoodnight]

I will be following this.

[Chickstick]

Interesting. I've always had a taste for horror, so this should of course be very readable, particularly from as talented a writer as yourself. Looking forward to when you update.

[Vercetti21]

I had a bit of a quick read on this, and as cliche and corny as it first appears to be, I actually like it so far. This entire first chapter just spells foreshadowing: his mom, the backpack, everything. I love that you've already made the reader feel uneasy for the events to come, an element that is always good to have in horror stories, particularly in the first chapter.

[Democrab]

Good Story Pat.

 

I liked book of souls..

[agent17]

Pretty good read.

[Face McDougal]

I want to see where you're going with this. But a few things...

 

The purpose of a prologue before the story should be to captivate the reader right? Read the prologue as if you didn't write it and didn't know about any of your ideas about the rest of the story... how did it work? Really try and build the suspense, it's all about balance and subtleties.

 

A lot of the time we write things without really thinking about how those events hold their place in a real world. Why would his mother struggle to pick him up from his fall? Does that sound realistic? The kid is old enough to go cave exploring on his own with friends, he's healthy and in shape... why wouldn't he just bounce back on his own if he was okay? Why add the action of mom helping? It's small, yes, it is nitpicking... but these things matter and help you to think about sh*t like that in the future.

[Pat]

 

Why would his mother struggle to pick him up from his fall? Does that sound realistic? The kid is old enough to go cave exploring on his own with friends, he's healthy and in shape... why wouldn't he just bounce back on his own if he was okay? Why add the action of mom helping?

Ah, you got me there, Frank. I forgot to add a sentence explaining that he had the air knocked out of him. Think about it this way: kid falls trips, falls, lands on backpack which is bulging with equipment. Do you really think he's going to be fine after that?

 

Not to mention, if you noticed, he exclaimed that the backpack was quite heavy. I've been on overnight spelunking trips, and trust me, if you fall on your back, you can't just jump right back up without some help. If you have all the equipment you need, your backpack can reach a weight of up to 35 lbs.

 

Thanks for the feedback, though.