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H4milton

Funny Jokes

Recommended Posts

Ronnyboy

Old one that makes me laugh.

 

Ok, two guys are sitting at a bar on top of the Empire State Building.

 

The first guy says: "Hey buddy, I bet you a beer I can jump out of that window and survive.

 

The second guy goes: "Ok, but you wont survive"

 

The first guy jumps out the window, then comes back upsatairs to the bar and gets a free drink.

 

The second guy says: "How on earth did you do that? I wanna try!"

 

So the second guy jumps out the window and falls to his death.

 

The bartender says: "Superman, your a real ass when your drunk"

 

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mikesta

What's the Difference between Britney Spears and a bag of sh*t?

 

The bag

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Vercetti21

What's the best thing about having sex with twenty-eight year olds?

 

There's 20 of them.

 

Pervasive? Yes. Sick? ...Yes.

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Oblivionz

 

Old one that makes me laugh.

 

Ok, two guys are sitting at a bar on top of the Empire State Building.

 

The first guy says: "Hey buddy, I bet you a beer I can jump out of that window and survive.

 

The second guy goes: "Ok, but you wont survive"

 

The first guy jumps out the window, then comes back upsatairs to the bar and gets a free drink.

 

The second guy says: "How on earth did you do that? I wanna try!"

 

So the second guy jumps out the window and falls to his death.

 

The bartender says: "Superman, your a real ass when your drunk"

Already posted, nice try, though.

 

Do you know what Helen Keller's parents looked like?

 

Her either

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Ronnyboy

yeah, I didnt want to search, so I posted it anyway.

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crazymodder

A house was on fire and the man look at it sadly.

 

Neighbour:Why dont you throw the water to your house?

Man:I cant afford it. My water bill is already too high.

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Vercetti21

^ F*cking hard ass fail. whatsthat.gif

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crazymodder
^ F*cking hard ass fail. whatsthat.gif

who did u mean?

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Hayden

 

Bad English, good joke. I liked it. icon14.gif

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jimmy.

This is admittedly a lame lame joke, but most of these are so who cares.

 

Guy 1: A lesbian couple and a gay couple set off on a cross-country race.

Guy 2: Who won?

Guy 1: Well, the lesbians did 69 the whole time, while the gay guys are still packing their sh*t.

 

icon13.gificon13.gif

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-slash
'nuj, thanks for posting that. It was actually a really good read.

Indeed.

 

Longest joke ever, but I'm glad I read it.

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crazymodder

Trainee Cook 1:The chef is unkind.

Trainee Cook 2:Oh, why?

Trainee Cook 1:Because he's always beating eggs.

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Pat
Trainee Cook 1:The chef is unkind.

Trainee Cook 2:Oh, why?

Trainee Cook 1:Because he's always beating eggs.

Okay, I give up, how can that even be considered a joke?

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freak2121

Son: Dad, is the moon or Vancouver closer?

Dad: Are you joking?!Can you see Vancouver from here?!.......Dumbass!!!!!

Son: ...um......

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outcest
Son: Dad, is the moon or Vancouver closer?

Dad: Are you joking?!Can you see Vancouver from here?!.......Dumbass!!!!!

Son: ...um......

i'm...i'm not sure if i should take offense to this or what.

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mikesta

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

 

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted

 

Heh I thought it was funny

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poopskin
What do you call a mix of a elephant and a rhino? ELIPHINO! (If you don't get it, say it out loud.)

What do poopskin and Lenny Henry have in common? They both fail at the funnies.

Well, now i know it sucked, but i thought it was funny when my cousin told me it back when i was 6. I ended up telling the joke out loud in front of my friends and their parents just cause i didn't get what it was saying *~*

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crazymodder
Okay, I give up, how can that even be considered a joke?

i think about it

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H4milton
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

 

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted

 

Heh I thought it was funny

So Funny.

 

here's another

 

Teacher: John, Can u tell me where's mount EVEREST?

John: Dont know, Sir

Teacher: (furiously) Stand up on your table

John: Shall I see then.

 

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Crokey

The Standards are slipping

 

Why did Popeye Punch Jesus

Cause he went to Mount Olive

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-slash
The Standards are slipping

 

Slipping? I believed this to be the worst joke thread posted on the internet ever about 4 pages in.

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GTA3Rockstar
Teacher: John, Can u tell me where's mount EVEREST?

John: Dont know, Sir

Teacher: (furiously) Stand up on your table

John: Shall I see then.

notify.gif

 

 

Silly Sally was at the movie theater. She was watching the movie until she felt a guy grab her breats from behind. She screamed for a few seconds. She took a second and then realized she put her money in her shoes.

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Picolini

[lamejoke]Why did the rooster cross the road?

 

Because he was f*cking the chicken[/lamejoke]

 

edit: after reading some of these jokes, I'm tempted to remove the lame joke tags from my post...

Edited by Picolini

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Nikofan112

Ok so a guy walks in a bar and goes up to the bartender and says "Give me a free pint if i show you something unbelievable." So the Bartender agrees and he guy takes out a hamster and a small piano. The hamster begins playing "Beethoven's 5th" on the piano, so the bartender gives the man a free pint. When he is done, the man says to the bartender again "If I show you something even more amazing will you give me another pint?" So the bartender agrees again thinking nothing could top the hamster. so the guy takes out a the hamster, his piano. and a lizard. The Hamster plays "Beethoven's 5th" again and the lizard begins to sing along in perfect harmony. A talent agent in the bar offers the man $10,000 for the lizard. The man agrees and the agent gives him the check and he gives him the lizard. The bartender then asks the man "Why did you sell the lizard? He's gonna get rich of it!" Then the man says "No, the hamster is a ventriloquist."

 

A man walks into a bar and orders 5 shots. The man begins pounding them down as quickly as he can. The bartender asks why he's drinking so fast so the man says "You'd be drinking fast too if you had what i have." So the bartender asks what he has and the man replies "75 cents."

 

A man walks into a bar (yes, a bar, again) and orders three drinks. The barkeep asks "Why three drinks?" so the man tells him "This is where me and my two brothers used to drink. But they all moved away, so we agreed to drink three beers every time we go into a bar." So, next week, the man walks into the bar again and only orders two drinks. Th bartender asks "Did one of your brothers die?" And the man replies "No I just quit drinking."

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-/TNT\-

@above: good one(s). Not bad at all.

 

Pico: That sucked.[/lamejoke]

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Sina84
here's another

 

Teacher: John, Can u tell me where's mount EVEREST?

John: Dont know, Sir

Teacher: (furiously) Stand up on your table

John: Shall I see then.

I know your intention was to cheer people up, but everyone who reads your "jokes" wants to punch you in the throat.

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Claude GTA3

Why did the baby cross the road?

 

Cut it was stapled to a chicken.

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GTA3Rockstar

What do you get when you cross Jesus? wow.gif

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beavis
What do you get when you cross Jesus? wow.gif

14 million Jews dead?

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Hayden

No more religious/racist/dead baby jokes please.

 

Two television antennae fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. colgate.gif

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