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H4milton

Funny Jokes

Recommended Posts

The Unvirginiser
I got one, sooo funny, it's not a joke i heard, it actually happened!

 

 

A guy and woman were having a arguement, so then the woman was so pissed she said, "if you were my husband, i will so put poison in your drink," and so the guy said, "if you were my wife, i will Drink it right away."

 

Lmao, it was so funny! For those who don't get it, the guy will "drink it right away" because he thought she was ugly as hell, haha.

A woman said that to winston churchill during a press confrence and that was his reply

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The Unvirginiser

I could get started on the madeline mcan, Jeremy Beadle, Micheal Barrymore and Colin Mcrae jokes but someone will cry

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Oblivionz

 

I could get started on the madeline mcan, Jeremy Beadle, Micheal Barrymore and Colin Mcrae jokes but someone will cry

Edit your first post, please. Don't double post.

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H4milton

okay i managed to find out some cool abb:

HUSBAND

 

 

 

H=Handsome

U=USeful

S=Sexy

B=But

A=At

N=Night

D=Dangerous

 

Here iS Wife

 

W=Wonderful

I=Item

F=For

E=Entertainment

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crazymodder

this is based on Singapore funny thing. the two peoples are playing the waiter. in Arab, Halal means suci (clean)...Malays dont eat porks so thats why they Halal...very funny, see this!

 

 

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Vive La France

Well, you have no sense of humor if a few of these don't make you at least smile.

 

http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/

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fox09

 

Well, you have no sense of humor if a few of these don't make you at least smile.

 

http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/

Heh, these are good for nerdy band people like me.

 

 

 

How do you get a guitar player to play softer?

    Give him some sheet music.

 

 

There was a certain bartender who was quite famous for being able to accurately guess people's IQs. One night a man walked in and talked to him briefly and the bartender said, "Wow! You must have an IQ of about 140! You should meet this guy over here." So they talked for a while about nuclear physics and existential philosophy and had a great time.

 

A second man walked in and soon the bartender has guessed about a 90 IQ for him. So he sat him down in front of the big-screen TV and he watched football with the other guys and had a hell of a time.

 

Then a third man stumbled in and talked to the bartender for a while. The bartender said to himself, "Jeez! I think this guy's IQ must be about 29!" He took him over to a man sitting at a little table back in the corner and said, "You might enjoy talking with this guy for a while."

 

After the bartender left, the man at the table said, "So do you play French bow or German bow?"

 

 

 

 

I don't know think anyone else will get that but me.

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Vive La France

My personal favorites are (even if they are quite cheesy):

 

 

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

    A flat minor.

 

 

How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?

    Shoot one.

 

 

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H4milton

Once upon a time there were 2 friends, Carl Johnson AND Ryder.

They are walking on a deep forest suddenly a bear come up infront of them,

Ryder knows how to climb a tree, but CJ doesnt. So selfish Ryder climb up infront of the tree and hopeless CJ laid down on the road as he was dead. The wild bear sniffed CJ and went away. Seeing this Ryder shouted(while in tree) to CJ and said "What did the bear said to you, CJ? CJ replied "He told me that he can climb trees and I Do not need to worry about him.

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Tuff Luv Capo
Once upon a time there were 2 friends, Carl Johnson AND Ryder.

They are walking on a deep forest suddenly a bear come up infront of them,

Ryder knows how to climb a tree, but CJ doesnt. So selfish Ryder climb up infront of the tree and hopeless CJ laid down on the road as he was dead. The wild bear sniffed CJ and went away. Seeing this Ryder shouted(while in tree) to CJ and said "What did the bear said to you, CJ? CJ replied "He told me that he can climb trees and I Do not need to worry about him.

Wow, what?

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Vive La France
Once upon a time there were 2 friends, Carl Johnson AND Ryder.

They are walking on a deep forest suddenly a bear come up infront of them,

Ryder knows how to climb a tree, but CJ doesnt. So selfish Ryder climb up infront of the tree and hopeless CJ laid down on the road as he was dead. The wild bear sniffed CJ and went away. Seeing this Ryder shouted(while in tree) to CJ and said "What did the bear said to you, CJ? CJ replied "He told me that he can climb trees and I Do not need to worry about him.

Wow, what?

That joke is, to be honest, terrible. Never try to base jokes off GTA. And never make two characters who hate each other until one kills the other go on a hike together.

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Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus

LOL, the f*cking bear talks?

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Tuff Luv Capo
LOL, the f*cking bear talks?

I looked past that.

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Vive La France
LOL, the f*cking bear talks?

I looked past that.

Gets worse every minute, huh?

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Tuff Luv Capo
LOL, the f*cking bear talks?

I looked past that.

Gets worse every minute, huh?

That's what she said.

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Vive La France
LOL, the f*cking bear talks?

I looked past that.

Gets worse every minute, huh?

That's what she said.

Well, it was better than the bear joke.

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Tuff Luv Capo
LOL, the f*cking bear talks?

I looked past that.

Gets worse every minute, huh?

That's what she said.

Well, it was better than the bear joke.

It was a bear joke.

 

 

 

Okay now I'm just pulling at straws.

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Vive La France

Okay now I'm just pulling at straws.

That's what she said tounge.gif

 

Yes, I know that was horrible.

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Tuff Luv Capo

Yes, I know that was horrible.

That's what she said.

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Vive La France

Yes, I know that was horrible.

That's what she said.

Jesus f*cking Christ.

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Hayden

 

I laughed at the bear joke. Is there something wrong with me? dontgetit.gif

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Vanillainy
I could get started on the madeline mcan, Jeremy Beadle, Micheal Barrymore and Colin Mcrae jokes but someone will cry

Good idea.

 

Whats the difference between Madeleine McCann and the Pope?

 

The pope will die a virgin.

 

Why doesn't Micheal Barrymore have ashtrays in his house?

 

He puts fags out in the pool.

 

Or we have this awesome joke:

 

So it is this tigers 21st birthday, his mate takes him down to the pub to go for a few drinks. By the end of the night, the tiger is completely wasted, he can't even get up. Its getting late so his mate has to leave, as he was about to leave the bartender shouted "Oi!, you can't leave him just lyin' there!" He turned around and says "Its not a lion, its a tiger"

 

OH YEAH.

 

As you can tell, my jokes go down well at school. moto_whistle.gif

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Eddie280

OK, so if the jokes are getting edgy im in.

 

So basically, there was a man driving along the motor way and he sees a young girl all alone crying by the side of the road. He stops the car and gets out and asks her whats wrong. He can barely understand her because she is crying so much but eventually he hears 'My whole family just died.' He looks around and sure enough, there is a terrible car wreck off the side of the road. 'Im the only one that escaped' she said.

 

The man, looks at the girl, Drops his trousers and says 'This isnt your lucky day then is it love.'

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Effy in Chains

A Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman although already in the forces decided they'd join the S.A.S. Upon being called for an interview the recruiting sergeant explained that in order to be accepted into the special air services they must agree without hesitation to carry out any order whatever it may be, no questions just do it. All agreed no problem anything at all. Right say's the sarge to the Englishman here's a gun go into the room next door and shoot the first person you see. Off he goes 2 mins later he's back "sarge i can't do it, it,s my wife for chris'sakes" No good to us get out. Next in goes jock 2 mins later back out puts gun on table " i cannae do it, it's my wee hen i willnae shoot my wife" Sarge say's no good to us get out. Sarge gives the gun to the Irishman and sends him into the room the next thing "Bang Bang" followed by shouting and screaming, then silence .Next thing out comes the Irishman hair all tossed, face bleeding waving the gun madly about. "Some f*cking idiot loaded that f*cking gun with blanks, I had to break her f*cking neck!"

 

There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters. The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes". The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank." With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a penis."

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Bartleby

So a baby seal walks into a club.

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geomy

Q. What's the difference between Heath Ledger and Heath Ledger jokes?

 

A. Heath Ledger jokes get old

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Struff Bunstridge

What's the difference between Princess Diana and the head of BMW?

 

The head of BMW wouldn't be seen dead in a Mercedes.

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Stefan.

What is the difference between an Englishman and a Frenchman?

 

The Frenchman can play football.

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Hayden
What is the difference between an Englishman and a Frenchman?

 

The Frenchman can play football.

Oh snap! nervous.gif

 

Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?

 

Because then it would be a foot!

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Struff Bunstridge

OK, you'll need to say the punchline in a Jamaican accent to get it.

 

Two Jamaican guys turn up to a nightclub where the owner is throwing an Emotions-themed party. They're both completely naked; one is holding a giant pear in front of his groin, and his friend is holding a bowl of custard in front of his groin.

 

The doorman stops them and says, "Whoa, hold on there fellas, you can't come in here like that. This is a themed party, don't you know."

 

One Jamaican replies, "Yah mon, we be in costume, seen?"

 

The doorman asks them to explain, as he can't possibly see how two guys with their dicks in assorted foodstuffs can possibly be relevant to the party.

 

The Jamaican holding the pear says, "Well, my friend here, he is f*ckin' dis custard. And as for me, well mon, I am deep in dis pear."

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