Quantcast
Jump to content
Search In
  • More options...
Find results that contain...
Find results in...
    1. Welcome to GTAForums!

    1. Red Dead Redemption 2

      1. Gameplay
      2. Missions
      3. Help & Support
    2. Red Dead Online

      1. Gameplay
      2. Find Lobbies & Outlaws
      3. Help & Support
    1. Crews & Posses

      1. Recruitment
    2. Events

    1. GTA Online

      1. Arena War
      2. After Hours
      3. Find Lobbies & Players
      4. Guides & Strategies
      5. Vehicles
      6. Content Creator
      7. Help & Support
    2. Grand Theft Auto Series

    3. GTA Next

    4. GTA V

      1. PC
      2. Guides & Strategies
      3. Help & Support
    5. GTA IV

      1. Episodes from Liberty City
      2. Multiplayer
      3. Guides & Strategies
      4. Help & Support
      5. GTA Mods
    6. GTA Chinatown Wars

    7. GTA Vice City Stories

    8. GTA Liberty City Stories

    9. GTA San Andreas

      1. Guides & Strategies
      2. Help & Support
      3. GTA Mods
    10. GTA Vice City

      1. Guides & Strategies
      2. Help & Support
      3. GTA Mods
    11. GTA III

      1. Guides & Strategies
      2. Help & Support
      3. GTA Mods
    12. Top Down Games

      1. GTA Advance
      2. GTA 2
      3. GTA
    13. Wiki

      1. Merchandising
    1. GTA Modding

      1. GTA V
      2. GTA IV
      3. GTA III, VC & SA
      4. Tutorials
    2. Mod Showroom

      1. Scripts & Plugins
      2. Maps
      3. Total Conversions
      4. Vehicles
      5. Textures
      6. Characters
      7. Tools
      8. Other
      9. Workshop
    3. Featured Mods

      1. DYOM
      2. OpenIV
      3. GTA: Underground
      4. GTA: Liberty City
      5. GTA: State of Liberty
    1. Red Dead Redemption

    2. Rockstar Games

    1. Off-Topic

      1. General Chat
      2. Gaming
      3. Technology
      4. Programming
      5. Movies & TV
      6. Music
      7. Sports
      8. Vehicles
    2. Expression

      1. Graphics / Visual Arts
      2. GFX Requests & Tutorials
      3. Writers' Discussion
      4. Debates & Discussion
    1. News

    2. Forum Support

    3. Site Suggestions

H4milton

Funny Jokes

Recommended Posts

Simon Quinlank
A guy and his girlfriend walked up to a block of flats in which the girl lived, before they parted ways they kissed and the bloke said "How about a blowjob?".

 

Reluctant the girl said "Your mad, here?" "Yea, right here right now." the man replied, the woman continued "But what if someone I know walks by?". As she said that, the door opened. It was the girls sister, she says:

 

"Look, just give him the blowjob, I'll give him a blow job...Hell even dad will give him a blowjob but for the love of god just get your finger off the f*cking intercom!"

Nice job stealing that from the banned Mastercard video. icon14.gif

Haha, is that where its from? I was only told it my a friend. biggrin.gif

You fail at epic cover ups.

You say that as if all the other jokes in this topic haven't been taken from other places. dozingoff.gif

 

 

A man takes his rottweiler to the vet and says to him, "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?"

 

"Well," says the vet "let's have a look at him"

 

So the vet picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.

 

"I'm sorry sir," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down"

 

"Because he's cross-eyed?" asks the man.

 

"No," says the vet

 

"Because he's very heavy."

 

Ahah.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Vanillainy

What's the difference between Madeleine McCann and football?

 

Footballs coming home.

 

 

FunkyChunky rins

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Struff Bunstridge

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

 

Wi' jam in.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Taste Of Chaos

 

What's the difference between Madeleine McCann and football?

 

Footballs coming home.

 

 

FunkyChunky rins

Very cruel...But I lol'd.

 

A hiker was lost in the forest, tired and beaten he suddently saw smoke for a chimney in the distance. He thought to himself "Smoke means people, I'm saved!".

 

As he got to the door of the house of which the smoke was coming from, he knocked on the door and a small chinese man answered. The hiker explained "I've been lost for days, may I lodge here for the night?" "Of course, as long as you dont sleep with my daughter, or you will receive the two chinese tortures."

 

"Fair do's" the man thought to himself, halfway through the night he simply couldn't bear how beutiful the chinese mans daughter was, so he made his way to her room and they had sex for hours. The man woke up back in his own bead with a boulder laying on hischest. So he got up and chucked it out the window.

 

He then noticed a sign on the wall which read "Boulder roped to left bollock.", so he thought "Oh sh*t!" and jumped out the window after it. On his way down he noticed another sign on the side of the house which said:

 

"Right bollock roped to bed."

Edited by Taste Of Chaos

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Girish

Here's a good one:

 

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

 

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device...a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

 

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

 

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

 

"I'll explain the toy. You explain the kids."

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
TubbyJ
-so he says "Do ya love me?" and she says "No! But that's a real nice ski mask!"

 

Hahahaahaha happy.gif

Classic Dumb and Dumber. biggrin.gif

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Effy in Chains

What would you guys think if I posted some sexist jokes?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Struff Bunstridge
What would you guys think if I posted some sexist jokes?

I'd think you were sexist, but I'd almost certainly laugh at them anyway icon14.gif

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
DareYokel

I got some

 

There are no lesbians. Just women that didn't meat Chuck Norris

 

When Chuck Norris takes a piss outdoors - the wind changes the direction

 

When you wake up in the morning - you know Chuck Norris spared your life

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Struff Bunstridge

Ah, the old Chuck Norris classics.

 

If you are what you eat, then Chuck Norris is molten steel and babies.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
poopskin

What do you call a mix of a elephant and a rhino? ELIPHINO! (If you don't get it, say it out loud.)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Naseem Srour

A joke (for some people it's funny smile.gif ) :

There was a stupid village, and a smart village.

The stupid village wanted to take revenge of the smart village ... They collected 1 Dollar of every person in the village ; and they bought an atomic bomb.

When they realesed the bomb in the air, an old man from the stupid village, controlled the bomb and brought it back to the stupid village.

The people asked him : Why did you do that ? Why did you brought it back ?

And he said : why we pay for it, and they take it ?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Struff Bunstridge
A joke (for some people it's funny smile.gif ) :

 

Not for me. Sorry.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Naseem Srour
A joke (for some people it's funny smile.gif ) :

 

Not for me. Sorry.

wow.gif .... sad.gif

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
stingray.

I got this off Reader's Digest a few years back. Thought it was funny back then, but now, meh. Anywho:

A man wakes up at a knock at the door.

A drunken man asks him if he can give him a push.

The man refuses and shuts the door.

His wife encourages him to help the man with his car because it would be the right thing to do.

The man agrees and opens the door and says: "Where are you? I can't see you!"

The drunken man replies: "Right here, on the swing."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
flicko

 

What do you call a mix of a elephant and a rhino? ELIPHINO! (If you don't get it, say it out loud.)

What do poopskin and Lenny Henry have in common? They both fail at the funnies.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Struff Bunstridge

What's red and invisible?

 

No tomatoes.

 

Not so much a joke as the leading statement for a philosophy discussion.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Californian
JOKE

 

One time a black guy was in a sh*tty ass car driving 35mph down the road in a desert, a white guy in a lamborghini (that he just got) wanted to go faster and overpassed the black guy. The white guy kept doing this over 3 times. The black guy was so mad, so he overpassed the white guy and made him stop.

 

He got out, took a bat out of his trunk, went up to the white guy, and dragged him out. The black guy drew a small circle on the sand and told the white guy to stand there and don't come out of the circle until he says so. So he did.

 

The black guy starts smashing the Lamborghini so bad, while the white guy is just laughing and laughing. The black guy stops and looks over at him, he walks up to the white guy and says, "What's so funny?" The white guy replies, "I stepped out of the circle when you weren't looking, when you told me not to!"

Did you come up with that yourself? Because that was awful.

No i didn't. A 9 year old told me the joke, lol. I guess it's just the way he said it that made my thought it was funny. (it's a "must of been there" moments)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Claude GTA3

I am hot.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1066ant
JOKE

 

One time a black guy was in a sh*tty ass car driving 35mph down the road in a desert, a white guy in a lamborghini (that he just got) wanted to go faster and overpassed the black guy. The white guy kept doing this over 3 times. The black guy was so mad, so he overpassed the white guy and made him stop.

 

He got out, took a bat out of his trunk, went up to the white guy, and dragged him out. The black guy drew a small circle on the sand and told the white guy to stand there and don't come out of the circle until he says so. So he did.

 

The black guy starts smashing the Lamborghini so bad, while the white guy is just laughing and laughing. The black guy stops and looks over at him, he walks up to the white guy and says, "What's so funny?" The white guy replies, "I stepped out of the circle when you weren't looking, when you told me not to!"

Did you come up with that yourself? Because that was awful.

No i didn't. A 9 year old told me the joke, lol. I guess it's just the way he said it that made my thought it was funny. (it's a "must of been there" moments)

I originaly read that joke and it was two girls, a brunette and a blonde, it was funnier then. colgate.gif

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Venom
What do you call a mix of a elephant and a rhino? ELIPHINO! (If you don't get it, say it out loud.)

What do poopskin and Lenny Henry have in common? They both fail at the funnies.

You are rather funny.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Effy in Chains

devil.gif WARNING OFFENSIVE JOKES SO BEWARE! devil.gif

 

How do you know if your girlfriend is too young?

If you have to make airplane noises to get your c*ck in her mouth.

 

A man sees a hot babe in a bar and says "Hey baby wanna come home with me?" she says "No" and he replies

"Too bad, becuase I'm stronger than you."

 

Why can't women ski?

Because there is no snow between the bedroom and the kitchen.

 

What do you call the useless flap of skin around a pussy?

A women.

 

Why don't women have a penis?

So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

 

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None, it should be opened when she brings it to you.

 

What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?

You hit her.

 

It's not rape if you shout "Surprise!"

(It's Surprise Sex)

 

I know some even more offensive jokes, but believe me they wouldn't be remotely suitable. ph34r.gif

Edited by Kalasinn

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
chillwinston8717

^1st and 4th were funniest jokes I've heard in a while biggrin.gif Give us some more!

So this isn't spam,

Why was Jimmy so quick to leave Scout Camp?

 

His sh*t was already packed

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Crokey

Someone would be very dissapointed in me if I didn't do this joke

 

What do you tell a woman with two balck eyes?

 

Nothing, you've already told her twice.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Simon Quinlank
Someone would be very dissapointed in me if I didn't do this joke

 

What do you tell a woman with two balck eyes?

 

Nothing, you've already told her twice.

What do you call a woman who answers you back?

 

An ambulance.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Greene

Why were shopping carts invented?

To teach women to walk on their hind legs.

 

Did you hear about the woman who got hit by a lorry?

They don't know how the lorry got into the kitchen.

 

What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?

A women who won't do what she's told.

 

How do you fix a woman's watch?

It doesn't matter. There is a clock on the oven.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Oblivionz

I don't believe in God, but I found this one funny.

 

So, God made Adam. Adam was walking around one day and realized that he was lonely, so he asked God for a companion. God said, "I can make a woman for you. She will cook and clean and do everything you ask her to. She will wait on you hand and foot. She will be so beautiful that you won't be able to take your eyes off of her. It's gonna cost you an arm and a leg, though."

Adam said, "Well, what can I get for a rib?"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Effy in Chains

I have decided to be as offensive as possible, becuase I am an attention seeker. biggrin.gif

 

What is 12 inches long, stiff and makes women scream at night?

Crib death.

 

How do you make a five-year-old girl cry twice?

f*ck her in the ass, then wipe your dick on her teddy bear.

 

Whats worse than a pile of dead babies?

The one thats alive at the bottom trying to eat its way out.

 

What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

 

Son can you tell the difference between the British tanks, and the Iraqi tanks?

No sir!

Then welcome to the United States Army.........

 

"Doctor! I think my wife is dead."

"How can you tell?"

"Well, the sex is still the same but the dishes are piling up."

 

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?

Acne waits until you're 13 to come on your face.

 

What's the difference between a Christian blow-up doll and a Muslim blow-up doll?

The Muslim one blows itself up.

 

What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?

You know she'll swallow.

 

Whats the worst thing about screwing a 6yr old girl?

Getting blood on you clown costume.

 

What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for Christmas?

Cancer.

 

A girl is watching her father shower. She points to his penis and says, "Daddy, when will I get one of those?" He looks at his watch and says, "When your mother leaves for work!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
The Killa

Okay Children. So, once upon a time there was a truck driving along the Pacific Coast Highway (it's a highway here in SoCal that is along the ocean). Inside the truck were cookies. Not just any cookies, they were the best tasting cookies in the world. The best cookie inside the truck, we'll name him Joe, had something to say to the other cookies. "You know what?" Joe said. "We're the best tasting cookies in the world, and here we are being shipped off the some market in Toilet Seat, North Dakota. We should be celebrating our last chance of freedom. Lets dance!". So all the cookies started dancing. After a while, the truck driver got fed up with all the noise going on in the back. He said really loud: "Hey! Stop that racket back there!". The cookies stopped dancing immediately, and went silent.

 

After thirty minutes or so, Joe spoke up again. "Guys. You know what? Screw the truck driver. I mean, we're the best tasting cookies in the world for f*cks sake. Lets dance!". So the cookies danced again. Once again, the truck driver got annoyed and said in an even stronger voice this time: "Stop making that noise or I'll throw you into the ocean!". The cookies stopped dancing immediately, and went silent.

 

After another thirty minutes or so, Joe spoke up again. "Okay, seriously guys. We're one of a kind, and this low-life truck driver is telling us when we can and can't have fun? Screw him! Lets dance." So the cookies danced again. When the driver heard the noise again, he yelled "THATS IT! I'VE HAD IT!". He pulled to a strong stop to the shoulder of the highway, went to the back of the truck, opened the door and took Joe and chucked him into the ocean. The driver said in a strong voice "If I get any more of that bullsh*t, ALL of you will be joining him!" The rest of the cookies never said a word for the rest of the trip. Isn't that sad? sad.gif

 

 

 

 

Okay, here's my second joke:

A man and a woman are out to eat at a fancy restaurant. They are boyfriend and girlfriend and the man is planning to propose to his girlfriend during the dinner. When they sit down, they talk about the normal stuff, "how was your day" etc. The man had an incredibly nervous look on his face. The woman was going to ask if he was okay, but she dismissed it as she assumed he was tired.

 

Time passes and they finally get around the ordering their food. The woman orders salmon, and the man orders pasta. When their food finally arrives they immediately dive into their food, as they are very hungry. After about five minutes of eating, the woman hits something hard in her salmon as she was cutting into it. "Eh?" the woman said. "What is this?". The woman cuts deeper into the salmon. The look on her face was curious. She cut deeper and deeper into the salmon, poking the mysterious object. She spread the salmon apart to get a better look at the object. When she saw it, the expression on her face was a mix of shock, curiosity, and "WTF".

 

What was inside the salmon? a cookie.

Edited by The Killa

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Fleckz

Why was the woman running down the road?

That's not the point, What the f*ck was she doing out the kitchen.

 

I f*cking love that joke. Heard it on the radio a few years back.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.

  • 1 User Currently Viewing
    0 members, 0 Anonymous, 1 Guest

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using GTAForums.com, you agree to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy.