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H4milton

Funny Jokes

Recommended Posts

Oblivionz
'nuj, dear god, I'm still f*cking laughing at that.

I got all caught in the reading, and the ending just jumped out at me. Hilarious, dude.

Where did you get that one?

It's the longest joke in the world. I figured it would kill this topic.

Yeah, I'm surprised I read through all of that. Completely worth it though.

 

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Crokey

'nuj, dear god, I'm still f*cking laughing at that.

I got all caught in the reading, and the ending just jumped out at me. Hilarious, dude.

Where did you get that one?

It's the longest joke in the world. I figured it would kill this topic.

Yeah, I'm surprised I read through all of that. Completely worth it though.

It was a cracking read and it's a good job I read the punchline using the US-English pronunciation as opposed to the English-English pronunciation or it wouldn't of been as good.

 

 

One morning a man was leaving to go to work. He kissed his wife and headed out the door. On his way to work he noticed that he had forgotten his lunch, so he went back to get it.

While at home, he decided to kiss his wife goodbye again, but he couldn't find her. He went to the bedroom to see if she went back to bed, and he caught her in bed with his best friend.

He was so mad that he told his wife to pack her bags and get out.

His wife replied, ''What are you going to say to your best friend''.

The man replied ''BAD DOG!"

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Oblivionz

I just got this one out of a joke site, thought it was funny.

 

 

 

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".

 

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".

 

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."

 

The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."

 

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".

 

So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.

 

He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

 

The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.

 

The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!"

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bigmamatuna

A man walks into a talent agent's office, and says, "We're a family act, and we'd like you to represent us."

 

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too old-fashioned."

 

The man says, "But this is really special."

 

The agent says, "Okay, well what's the act?"

 

He replies, "Well, my wife and I come out on stage and she begins to sing the Star Spangled Banner while I take her roughly from behind. After a minute of this, my kids come out and begin to do the same, but my daughter's singing the original To Anacreon in Heaven lyrics while my son performs anal sex on her."

 

The agent looks uncomfortable, but the man continues, "Just when my daughter hits the highest note in the song, my son and I switch partners. He turns my wife around and gives her a Dirty Sanchez before having her perform oral sex on him. When the song's over and we're both getting close, we all stop and lie down on the stage."

 

The man smiles fondly as he recalls, "This is the best part: our dog then comes out on the stage, and he's trained to lick each one of us to orgasm in turn. He just goes right down the line, looking as happy as can be! We all get up and take a bow."

 

He looks at the agent and says, "Well, that's the act. What do you think?"

 

The agent just sits in silence for a long time. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call yourselves?"

 

"The Aristocrats!"

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Crokey

Aristocrat Jokes never work in written format, they have to be told face to face wink.gif

 

 

A guy goes to the Doctors to get his pooper looked at, he walks into the Doctors office and the receptionist says

"Good Morning Mr Smith, I'm afraid Dr Jones is off ill today, so Dr Johnson will see you instead.

"OK"

"He'll see you now"

So Mr Smith goes into the office and walks over to Dr Johnson and shakes his hands, upon doing so he notices that his hands are very large.

"Dr Johnson you've got some big hands there"

"I know I used to play College Football, before I went into Medicine, I be gentle with you"

After several minutes and Mr Smith getting his exam done he leaves the Doctors a little sore. Later that night he's out drinking with his buddies and they are having a laugh and joke, Mr Smith is feeling much better and everyones having a good time until a man walks upto the bar and says with a very stereotypical gay voice

"Can I have a Bacardi and Coke please"

Just then Mr Smith breaks down in tears, his buddies are all looking at him wondering whats up him, when one of his buddies decided to ask

"Hey Smith, whats up man"

Mr Smith through his tears said

"I was at the doctors today getting my prostrate examined..."

"Yeah that's bad man, but why the tears now, you were alright a minute ago?"

"...I've just realised... when he did the test he had both hands on my shoulders"

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mikesta

Get ready to bust your guts fellas, cause I found a pretty funny joke

 

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat.

"I’ll have some f*ckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs.

She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more f*ckin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away.

Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the f*ckin’ French toast."

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BigGamer

'nuj, thanks for posting that. It was actually a really good read.

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Maleficus

Thanks for posting that 'nuj...I read that joke a while ago, but lost the link.

 

As for a joke:

 

An Australian man walks into a tavern, with a crocodile under one arm. He walks towards the bar, and puts the croc on top of the bar. He drinks to himself for a while, then proclaims " I bet any and all of you $50 that I can put my dick in this here croc's mouth, have the croc close his mouth, open it again, and pull my wanker out again without a scratch on it!" Several people take up his offer, and the whole bar is watching as the guy hits the croc on top of the head with his fist. The crocodile slowly opens it's mouth, and the Aussie drops his drawers and puts his cock in the croc's mouth. He hits it on top of the head again, and it slowly lowers it's jaw back on top of the guy's package. One more hit on the head, and he's in the clear, as he said, without a scratch on himself. The bar is in an uproar now, and the Aussie starts to put his pants back on. A blonde in the front of the crowd shouts "I'll bet I can do it to! ...But do you have to hit me on the head?"

 

 

 

 

...That took a while to type.

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Pat

anuj, that story was f*cking epic. Wasn't funny, but it was a great read. Definitely worth the half hour I wasted on it (of course, fifteen minutes of that was a shower).

 

Oh yeah, joke...

 

So, the president, a famous actor, a rich old man, and a kid are on a plane. The plane is heading for the ground fast, and there's only three parachutes. The actor grabs one and says "I'm an actor, I have to live!" He jumps. The president grabs another and says "I'm the president, I have to live!" He jumps. The rich old man turns to the kid and says, "you take it son, I've lived a long and happy life." The kid replies with "that's alright, sir, the president took my backpack."

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Hayden

Two blondes were walking down the street, the one on the left said, "I wanna be in the middle!"

 

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer (idea).

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no eye deer (idea).

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and that's having sex?

Still no f*cking idea!

 

Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?

Because someone threw a fridge at it.

Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?

Because it was tied to the first koala.

Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?

Peer pressure.

Why did the fourth koala fall out of the tree?

It thought it was a game

 

A duck walks into a bar and asks; "Do you have any bread?"

"No mate, we don't have any bread." replied the bartender, so the duck said;

"Do you have any bread?"

"No, mate, we don't have any brea-"

"Do you have any bread?"

"No! We don't have any brea-"

"Do you have any brea-"

"No! We don't have any f*cking bread! Ask me that one more time and I'll nail your bill to this f*ckin bar!"

The duck goes quiet before asking; "Do you have any nails?"

The bartender pauses for a moment before answering with; "Uh, no, I don't think we-"

"Do you have any bread?" (better done orally)

 

Two blondes walk into a bar. One of them says "Ouch."

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fox09

What does a blonde think an innuendo is?

 

 

 

 

 

An Italian suppository.

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mike39

Anuj - I memorized that joke a few years ago when I read it for the first time. At lunch a few weeks later, an unwitting friend said, "Hey Mike, tell us a joke!" So I started off ... ten minutes later, "Wow, Mike, okay - this better have the best punchline ever." After thirty minutes and the punchline, we had ordered, gotten our meals, and had pretty much finished them, and my friends wanted to kill me. Great story, though - if you're good at storytelling then it's a lot of fun. smile.gif

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Pat

A blonde is sitting in a row boat, in the middle of a corn field. A second blonde pulls up on the road by the cornfield in an SUV, and says "you're a disgrace to blondes! If I could swim, I would come out there and kick your ass!"

 

A blonde is fed up with life, so she goes out into the woods and hangs herself. A man walks into the woods, seeing the woman hanging from her waist. He asks what she's doing. She says "hanging myself." He replies with "shouldn't the rope be around your neck?" She answers "I tried that but I couldn't breathe."

 

This next one is a bit meh.

 

Two blondes are arguing over which is closer; California, or the moon. The one who thinks the moon is closer says "I can prove it! You can actually see the moon!"

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Don Garcia aka NjNakedSnake

A lame joke that a friend told me that had me dying, maybe it was the way he said it. I've added to the joke to make it my own.

 

A woman gets hit by a car.

The crime is reported to a squad car.

The cop informs his partner.

The partner takes a sip of coffee and looks puzzingly.

"How did the car get in the kitchen?"

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H4milton

Ok here is another of my collection:

It is raining.The owner of a palace ordered his gardener to water the plants, the gardener said it is raining outside sir. The owner said" stupid,take an umbrella and water the plants".

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TonyZimmzy

Two prostitutes walk into an elevator.

 

"How's tricks?" one asks.

"It's been pretty dead tonight," she replies.

 

The first prostitute burps. "Excuse me," she says.

The second prostitute looks at her. "Do you smell semen in here?"

 

"I said excuse me."

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H4milton

Ok here is 1of my bad jokes:

Once a boy went to a date.The girl offered him to drink 5Pepsi.Without understanding the boy drinked all 5 pepsi's.Then the girl slapped the boy and went home. The boy said everything to his friend,his friend replied that dont you know what does Pepsi mean,it means:

P=please

E=enter

P=penis

S=slowly

I=inside

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Girish

An official joke topic, eh?

Well, here's mine...

 

A man, on his way to the city, was passing through the denser side of the forest when a big man jumps in front of his car forcing him to stop. He asks the man to get out pointing a shotgun in his face. The man pleads for mercy and offers him money and the car.

 

The robber says, "No, I don't want your sh*t. I want to see you shag. Right now."

 

The man has no other option but to comply. After the man finishes shagging, the robber demands, "Do it one more time."

The man once again gets down to business. After he's finished, the robber demands yet another free show of shagging. The man once again complies.

 

After a few more times, the man can take it no more and says to the robber, "I'll do anything you say but please don't make me shag again."

The robber has a close look at the man's limp penis and says, "Ok, you're good to go. Just give a lift to my young daughter to the city."

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H4milton

This one is legend:

two friends are chatting:

1st biggrin.gifo you know that i faced a lion before?

2nd:No

1st:I didnt brought any weapons,and saw that the lion is coming closer to me.

2nd:oh my god, then what happened

1st:nothing, i went to the next cage of monkey.(Zoo)

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Stefan.
This one is legend:

two friends are chatting:

1st biggrin.gifo you know that i faced a lion before?

2nd:No

1st:I didnt brought any weapons,and saw that the lion is coming closer to me.

2nd:oh my god, then what happened

1st:nothing, i went to the next cage of monkey.(Zoo)

Nice one, that one is actually funny. icon14.gif You have a good sense of humour, my friend. smile.gif Here are a couple from my collection.

 

 

Here is a small lesson kids; never substitute alcohol for women. Why? The last time I did it, I got my dick stuck in the bottle.

 

 

Two blondes walk into a supermarket. One says "I'm hungry," then the other replies "There's a McDonalds down the road."

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Hayden

 

Two blondes walk into a supermarket. One says "I'm hungry," then the other replies "There's a McDonalds down the road."

It's alright but I think it would have worked better if the second blonde said something like; "I'm Daphne."

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willgtavcs

there is a double deck bus filled with schoolgirls. going somewhere for school

 

the bottom has only brunette girls.

the top has only blonds.

 

During the trip one of the brunette girls goes up to see the blode girls; apon viddying them she notices that they are scared SH1TLESS and are holding on the the seat in front.

the brunette Says"what is wrong we are having a nice relaxing trip downstairs why are you all freaked out.

 

One of the blondes replies" its easy for you's at least ya have a driver"

 

i loled at this when i first heard it

 

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Struff Bunstridge

A man visits the doctor, very distressed. He says the problem is not with him, but his wife. As he's not a doctor, he can't put his finger on what the problem is, but something is clearly wrong with her. The doctor advises him to bring his wife in for tests, to which the man agrees.

 

After hours of exhaustive testing, the weary doctor calls the man into his office, and explains that they're still not entirely sure what's wrong, but have narrowed it down to two possibilities: AIDS and Alzheimer's.

 

Horrified, the man asks, "But doctor, what the hell am I gonna do about this?"

 

The dcotor replies, "At the edge of town there's a huge forest. I suggest you walk with her to the middle of this forest, and then leave her there. If she can find her way back, don't f*ck her."

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Vanillainy
Ok here is another of my collection:

It is raining.The owner of a palace ordered his gardener to water the plants, the gardener said it is raining outside sir. The owner said" stupid,take an umbrella and water the plants".

STOP PLEASE.

 

A blonde walks into a shop to buy a new TV.

 

"Can I buy a TV please?"

 

"No sorry, no blondes allowed"

 

She leaves the store, gets a brunette wig and re enters.

 

"Can I buy a TV?"

 

"No, I said no blondes"

 

She leaves again and gets a ginger wig.

 

"Can I buy a TV?"

 

"For gods sake woman, I said no blondes"

 

"How did you know i was blonde?"

 

"We sell Microwaves"

 

OLOLOLOL.

 

 

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Drowning

A Programmer and an Engineer

 

A programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight

from Los Angelos to New York. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and

asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap,

so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

 

The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay

me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I pay you

$5."

 

Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

 

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says "Ok, if you don’t know the

answer, you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $50!"

 

This catches the engineer’s attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless

he plays, so he agrees to the game. The programmer asks the first question:

"What is the distance from the Earth to the moon?"

 

The engineer doesn’t say a word, but simply reaches into his wallet, pulls out a

five-dollar bill, and hands it to the programmer. Now, it’s the engineer’s turn. He

asks the programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on

four?"

 

The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop

computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with the

modem and searches the net and the library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends

e-mail to his coworkers - all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the

engineer and hands him $50. He politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to

get back to sleep.

 

The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks, "Well,

so what’s the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet,

hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

 

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Brad

There is a special need school in the town I reside. Across the road of the school their is a sign that says 'Slow children'. Now, that can't be good for their self-esteem; but on the other hand, they can't read it.

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Claude GTA3

JOKE 1:

There were three blondes,stuck on a lake and have to get to the other side.they were fishing,and one miraculously caught a goldfish,which said:"I will grant you three one wish each if you set me free.".

 

Blonde 1:"I want to become 10 times smarter!",and so she does,she swims across the lake and gets to the other side.

 

Blonde 2:"I want to become 10 times smarter than she is",and so she does,she turns into a brunette,makes a canoe and paddles across the lake.

 

Blonde 3:"I want to become 10 times smarter than both of them",and so she does,she turns into a man,and crosses the bridge.

 

JOKE 2:

There is a plane crash about to happen,with three men onboard and no parachutes.God appears and says:"I shall turn you into the word you say when you jump off!"

 

The first guy jumps off and says:"Spiderman!",and so he turns into him and swings away.

 

The second guy jumps off and says:"Superman!",and he indeed does turn into Superman and flies away

 

The third guy is about to jump,but he trips and shouts:"ASS!".

Edited by Danny the III fan

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Gouveia

My jokes are all in portuguese.... sad.gif

They don't make such a sense in english. But I think I might give it a try.

 

 

A blonde and a dark-haired girl were watching TV.

 

DH: I bet a thousand bucks that he is going to kill himself.

B: You got yourself a deal.

 

After some moments, the guy killed himself. A couple of weeks after it, the dark haired stopped and talked to the blonde:

 

DH: I need to give back your money. It was all a recording and I knew he was going to kill himself.

B: Ah, ok. I knew it was a recording too.

DH: So why you bet he wasn't going to kill himself.

B: Because I thought he wasn't stupid enough to do it twice.

 

lol.gif

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Eddie280

Cheers Nuj. That story was amazing. Im off in my RV now actually to see Sammy. icon14.gif

 

My joke is:

 

There was a woman who was pregnant with triplets, she went into a bank just before it was robbed. Se tried to escape the robbery but was shot three times in the Stomach. She was taken to hospital and luckily the doctors were able to save her and her babies but were unable to remove the bullets. Anyway she had 3 boys and they lived happily together and she forgot about the shooting.

 

When the boys were 13 one of them came to her and said, completely shocked 'Mum, I was doing a sh*t and a bullit came out?!' So she sat him down and told him the story of the shooting.

 

A few days later another one of her sons came and said, equally as shocked 'Mum! I was taking a sh*t and a bullit came out!' So once again she explained the story.

 

So eventually her last son came to her and said 'Mum,Mum!!' so She said, 'Let me guess, you were doing a sh*t and a bullit came out??'

 

He said ' NO, I was having a wank and i shot the cat!!' lol.gif

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Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus

That joke was total sh*t, anuj. It probably would've killed this thread if it wasn't for all these worthless sycophants. You suck. icon13.gif

 

Q: What did the car say to the horn?

 

A: You feelin' horny??

 

Haha, I came up with that in like 4 seconds. I'm so hilarious and witty!

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