Dune Don Posted March 6, 2008 Share Posted March 6, 2008 (edited) Here's Some good Stuff. a jobless guy went to a bigger city to find a good company. after that he solved in Underwear Business and Succeed a lot. He called to his wife after that, Man: come and see what business i did with Underwears! Wife: You come and see what business i did without them! -------- man was down is death's bed and was saying his last words to his wife. man: Have you ever treasoned me? Wife: just three times! man: when? wife: remember educator didn't mentioned you and you couldn't play? but after that he used you for attack. that was one of them! man: right? Wife: and then, remember all of players didn't passed balls on you and after that, all of them did it? it was another one. man: NEXT! Wife: Remember all Spectators of Stadium didn't encouraged you, and all of them did it after that? it was Third one! ------- Father: Son, every time you've seen someone doing illegal, just Call 911. after that day, son goes to street and sees to guys trying to climb one of walls. he calls 1822. after that, father aask him: why'd you called 1822? Son: because there were to of them! ------- A man dies. Doctor's Evidence: Reason of Death: Burn: 1% Damage: 99% you know why? his mother in law tried to ward him off with a shovel. ------- Edited March 6, 2008 by Dune Don Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Struff Bunstridge Posted March 6, 2008 Share Posted March 6, 2008 Where's the "good Stuff" you promised? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrocodileDundee Posted March 6, 2008 Share Posted March 6, 2008 In America you milk cow In Soviet Russia cow milk's you! In America you punch heavybag In Soviet Russia heavybag punch you! In America you have sex in bed In Soviet Russia bed have sex in you! In America you get frostbite In Soviet Russia frost bite's you! In America you catch a cold In Soviet Russia cold catches you! In America you turn on lamp In Soviet Russia lamp turn's on you! In America you screw on lightbulb In Soviet Russia lightbulb screw's you! In America you rob bank In Soviet Russia bank rob's you! In America you eat banana In Soviet Russia banana eat's you! I made these myself Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
?!=+_- Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 What's an Australian kiss? The same thing as a French kiss, only down under! Why is a man at his smartest when he is having sex? Because he's plugged into a woman! An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City . . . . . .with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week. The teller said, "Fluctuations." The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Unvirginiser Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 What's an Australian kiss?The same thing as a French kiss, only down under! Fantastic A man is in a toilet, he has a piss and hears in the cubicle next to him.. "14,14,14,14,14..." " Are you alrite mate?" the man asks He continues to hear it "14,14,14,14" Theres a hole seperating them (scary movie glory hole lmao), he puts his eye through it to have a look A drill goes through and goes right through his eye "15,15,15...." A man falls off a cliff... he grbas a small twig on the way down and holds on "Is anybody up there?!?" he screams "Yes..." A booming voice replies "I am God, in a moment that twig will snap and you fill fall hundreds off feet to the rocks below, but do not worry, you will suffer a horrible death... but I will be waiting for you in heaven." "Is anybody else up there?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Struff Bunstridge Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 I made these myself No you didn't. In true Scouse style, you stole them Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stefan. Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 In America you milk cowIn Soviet Russia cow milk's you! In America you punch heavybag In Soviet Russia heavybag punch you! In America you have sex in bed In Soviet Russia bed have sex in you! In America you get frostbite In Soviet Russia frost bite's you! In America you catch a cold In Soviet Russia cold catches you! In America you turn on lamp In Soviet Russia lamp turn's on you! In America you screw on lightbulb In Soviet Russia lightbulb screw's you! In America you rob bank In Soviet Russia bank rob's you! In America you eat banana In Soviet Russia banana eat's you! I made these myself You don't know how offensive they are. And naive. Chuck Norris. A living legend. When you fill a car up with petrol, it's not petrol; it's Chuck Norris's never ending supply of blood. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrocodileDundee Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 (edited) I made these myself No you didn't. In true Scouse style, you stole them I only stole one of them, Sorry I didn't you were going to notice You don't know how offensive they are. And naive. Chuck Norris. A living legend. When you fill a car up with petrol, it's not petrol; it's Chuck Norris's never ending supply of blood. I'm not trying to be offensive, I'm trying to be funny since this is a funny jokes topic. If you were offended I apoligize. I am 25 % russian myself. Edited March 7, 2008 by CrocodileDundee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stefan. Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 I made these myself No you didn't. In true Scouse style, you stole them I only stole one of them, Sorry I didn't you were going to notice Right, yet you stole the style of it, yet switched the subject around. True scouser style there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrocodileDundee Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 I made these myself No you didn't. In true Scouse style, you stole them I only stole one of them, Sorry I didn't you were going to notice Right, yet you stole the style of it, yet switched the subject around. True scouser style there. I am not a scauser Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stefan. Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 I made these myself No you didn't. In true Scouse style, you stole them I only stole one of them, Sorry I didn't you were going to notice Right, yet you stole the style of it, yet switched the subject around. True scouser style there. I am not a scauser You can't even spell scouser, which makes you a scouser. What makes a scouser a scouser? You look at him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guybrush Threepwood Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 Stefan, you're not one to call anyone a scouser. You're a no-good punk-ass bitch, who half the time doesn't get what people say and spends the other half typing, mostly, incomprehensible posts crying about it. On top of that you're trying oh-so-hard to be a hardcore Serbian, but swipe under the rug that you're actually living in Australia. Real hard living son. So instead of being a bitch to Dundee, you shut the f*ck up for a while. And before you go and hit that reply button again, you might want to think about the following; because despite my crude delivery, you know I have a pretty goddamn good point. And anything you reply I can just twist to look like you're doing what I mentioned above. So it's probably in your best interest to just leave it be and tell a joke. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Effy in Chains Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 Jesus walks into a hotel and puts a handful of nails on the counter. He asks "Can you put me up for the night?" Why can't Jesus eat Skittles? Because they would fall through the holes in his hands. Two Muslims go into a bar in Iraq. One of them shows pictures of his children to his friend, he says "This is my first son, he was a martyr." then "This is my second son, he was also martyr." On the last picture he says "This is my third son, he will be a martyr." His friend replies "Oh they blow-up so fast these days!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Hym. Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 Motivational Posters Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Struff Bunstridge Posted March 8, 2008 Share Posted March 8, 2008 A Scout leader, a lawyer and a priest are on a flight with a the village boys youth club. The plane hits trouble, engines fail, and they begin freefall. Trouble is, there are only three parachutes. The Scout leader says, "Maybe we should get as many of the kids off the plane as we can." The lawyer furiously shouts, "What about me? f*ck the kids!" The priest says, "Wait, we have time for that too?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Typhus Posted March 8, 2008 Share Posted March 8, 2008 What do you call a Scottish woman? I don't know, we're still trying to find one. Why are the French so good at speaking different languages? So they can always be understood when they say "we surrender". What do you call four scientologists standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flicko Posted March 8, 2008 Share Posted March 8, 2008 Stefan, you're not one to call anyone a scouser.You're a no-good punk-ass bitch, who half the time doesn't get what people say and spends the other half typing, mostly, incomprehensible posts crying about it. On top of that you're trying oh-so-hard to be a hardcore Serbian, but swipe under the rug that you're actually living in Australia. Real hard living son. So instead of being a bitch to Dundee, you shut the f*ck up for a while. And before you go and hit that reply button again, you might want to think about the following; because despite my crude delivery, you know I have a pretty goddamn good point. And anything you reply I can just twist to look like you're doing what I mentioned above. So it's probably in your best interest to just leave it be and tell a joke. QFT. Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby. "I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim cries. "He says you're gonna die." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rota Posted March 8, 2008 Share Posted March 8, 2008 What do you call a Scottish woman?I don't know, we're still trying to find one. hahahahahahaha thats good 3 tampons are walking up the street a man says hello witch one speaks first.......none there all stuck up c*nts lame i know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Typhus Posted March 8, 2008 Share Posted March 8, 2008 What do you call a chav drowning in his own blood? Innit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Struff Bunstridge Posted March 8, 2008 Share Posted March 8, 2008 What do you call a Manc in a filing cabinet? Sorted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spursfan111 Posted March 8, 2008 Share Posted March 8, 2008 Got this from a website... A blonde stormed up to the front desk of a library and said, "I have a complaint!" "Yes, ma'am?" "I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!" "What was wrong with it?" "It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" The librarian nodded and said, "Ah. So you must be the person who took our phone book." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Unvirginiser Posted March 8, 2008 Share Posted March 8, 2008 Things You Learn From Watching Porn Women wear high heels to bed. Men are never impotent. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he f*cks her. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with spunk. Women enjoy having sex with ugly middle-aged men. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blow job. Women always orgasm when men do. A blow job will always get a woman off a speeding ticket. All women are noisy f*cks. People in the 70's couldn't f*ck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background. Those tits are real. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt. Men always groan 'OH YEAH' when they cum. If there is two of them they 'high five' each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!) Double penetration makes women smile. Asian men don't exist. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of sh*t out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth. There's a plot. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the ass. Nurses suck patients cocks. Men always pull out. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before f*cking both of you. Women never have headaches. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to 'suck it' Assholes are clean. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's pants and find a cock there. Men don't have to beg. When standing during a blow job, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip. Pigtails = handlebars. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gouveia Posted March 8, 2008 Share Posted March 8, 2008 @Unvirginiser: LMFAO! That's a real joke Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Unvirginiser Posted March 8, 2008 Share Posted March 8, 2008 @Unvirginiser: LMFAO! That's a real joke Thank you I thought that Men always groan 'OH YEAH' when they cum. If there is two of them they 'high five' each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!) ..that was the funniest Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Struff Bunstridge Posted March 8, 2008 Share Posted March 8, 2008 What's the hardest part of rollerblading? Telling your Dad you're gay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Venom Posted March 8, 2008 Share Posted March 8, 2008 Things You Learn From Watching Porn Asian men don't exist. Oh sh*t, that's funny. Now, here are a bunch of Tim Vine's One-Liners; I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy. I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'" You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice. You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox. So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions". Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Unvirginiser Posted March 8, 2008 Share Posted March 8, 2008 Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin. LMAO thats brilliant I woke up bitchy this morning, but then I decided to let her have a lie in A man is in a restraunt, he shouts the waiter over... he asks him to taste the soup Whats wrong with it? Please taste the soup Is it too hot too cold? Please just taste the soup What's wrong with it? Just taste the soup! Fine! Wheres the spoon? Aha! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottae Posted March 8, 2008 Share Posted March 8, 2008 Tim Vine's a legend, I've got his stand-up on DVD where he breaks the Guiness World Record for most jokes told in an hour. • Exit signs. They're on the way out, aren't they? • Velcro, what a rip-off... • You invented Tippex... Correct me if I'm wrong • I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel • So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Struff Bunstridge Posted March 8, 2008 Share Posted March 8, 2008 Speaking of books, I recently bought the biography of Paul Radcliffe, the marathon runner. I got two thirds of the way through, and couldn't be bothered to finish. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Unvirginiser Posted March 8, 2008 Share Posted March 8, 2008 One dyslexic says to the other... can you smell smoke? he says I cant even smell my own name Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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