Emotion98.3 Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 (edited) Liberty City, The Place To Be In 2008. There Were Five Districts in the City, Algonquin, Bohan, Dukes, Broker, and Alderney. You Had All Your Places, Zip, Binco, and even Cluckin Bell. But Today was unlike every other day in this large City were one mans lifes changes when he goes diving in Liberty City Sound and Discovers of what used to be a Sign Underwater that read "Welcome to Liberty City-Portland 5 Miles". Chapter 1 Coming Soon Edited February 10, 2008 by Emotion98.3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vercetti21 Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 I'm already lost. And secondly: There Were Five Districts in the City, Algonquin, Bohan, Dukes, and Alderney. That's four... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emotion98.3 Posted February 9, 2008 Author Share Posted February 9, 2008 I'm already lost. And secondly: There Were Five Districts in the City, Algonquin, Bohan, Dukes, and Alderney. That's four... What It Is About is a man in Liberty City (IV kind of Liberty) Then Scuba Dives in The Liberty City Waters (Sound) and finds a Sign That Reads "Welcome To Liberty City - Portland 5 Miles" (The Old Liberty City) and finds out That Zaibatsu has a coverup story behind all this Now Im Not Going To Say Anything Else. But Hope You Like Chapter 1 that is coming soon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chickstick Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 What It Is About is a man in Liberty City (IV kind of Liberty) Then Scuba Dives in The Liberty City Waters (Sound) and finds a Sign That Reads "Welcome To Liberty City - Portland 5 Miles" (The Old Liberty City) and finds out That Zaibatsu has a coverup story behind all this Still, it's original, and could be interesting if written properly. First chapter please! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pat Posted February 10, 2008 Share Posted February 10, 2008 Sounds interesting, but seriously, stop capitalizing the first letter of every word in your sentences. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emotion98.3 Posted February 11, 2008 Author Share Posted February 11, 2008 (edited) Chapter 1: Looking For Sea Creatures The clock in my bedroom rang at 8:15. This was my cue to get up and get dressed and get ready for work. Wait let me introduce my self, my name is Chris Summer. I work with my partner Maria Sanchez, and we are investigating a new type of species in the Liberty City Sound. So now it is 8:36 and i better start heading to the docks were i meat Maria. So I hope in my car, and did i tell you how much i love my car, its a 05' Stinger. Even though they make newer ones thats the only one i could afford right now. So I turn on my Radio to Lips 106 (favorite radio station) and im on my way. I head through Algonquin, eh I hate Rush Hour and am at the docks in 20 minutes. "Oh Thank God Heres Here" said Mario "Better Late Then Never" I replied. So we get into our wet suits and head in the water. we searched under the docks and near the bridge, and we actually got a few good samples of the new species currently named "Alphakit"..Try saying that fast. Zaibatsu sure has a way of naming species. After we god a few samples of the new species I looked around and I thought i saw something green but Ill check it out tomorrow. Maria and I went to the lab and found a few cool observations of the new species "Alphakit". We Observed that it was a multi celled organism and eats plankton. After the observations Maria and I went to [email protected] internet cafe to search it and then have some coffee afterwards. Got To Go, i'm inviting Maria over to my place. Chris Summer (12:56 PM) Edited February 11, 2008 by Emotion98.3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chickstick Posted February 11, 2008 Share Posted February 11, 2008 Everything is very basic at the moment. It doesn't hold the reader's interest at all- it's just a case of "I did this, I did that". All we know really about the protagonist is that he's called Chris Summer, works with Maria Sanchez, and owns an '05 Stinger. Try to include more detail- make us care about this character and his actions. Overall, a pretty poor first chapter, but it could be improved upon. Go back through it, read it again, possibly go through any notes you may have made to find areas to improve. Like I stated in my earlier post, it's an interesting idea, so please do it justice and do your best to improve. I'm waiting for the next chapter, or indeed a new version of the first, if you decide to start it again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saltinespike Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 NEXT! Do some research, read a few stories in here. Of the vets, not the noobs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emotion98.3 Posted October 7, 2008 Author Share Posted October 7, 2008 Hi my name is Chris Summers. I live in a city which is named Liberty. Most of the citizens call the place Liberty City. I am 24 and and am a scuba diver to discover new species in the Liberty City Sound (LCS). Apartment 4D, Jade St, Algonquin 8:15 AM I wake up to the usually sorroundings, a nice cozy bed. A old Degenatron in the Living Room. "Dang, i almost late for work" *Gets in the shower, washes up. Puts on clothes and am Heading out of my apartment* "Can't believe I'm late for work. Maria is going to freaking kill me" *Goes east on Jade St, Right on Albany Ave. Turn left onto Leapers Bridge taking me to President St* I park in the usually parking spot that i normally do. Seeing Maria Pissed off as ever as i get out of my car. I run up to her and asked her if they already started the investigation. Thankfully they didn't. "So, Chris. Never missed a single day of work in you're life. So why such a sudden change?" Maria said being sarcastic. "Oh, just the usually my clock got set wrong and woke me up at 8:15 not 8:00" i snapped back at her. "Sheesh, whats with you today?" Maria asked. "Nothing, Just dont blame me, blame the freaking clock" I said back calmly So we check out the new species. Sort of a interbreed of Cells. Pretty small, but we get the samples and head out. Nothing will prepare us for what we saw next visit to the Liberty City Sound...Nothing Ok, yes i know bring a old topic to the dead. But i worked on it. And going to write a second chapter very soon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wanted Assailant Posted October 8, 2008 Share Posted October 8, 2008 Not much of a story or even a chapter. Hi, my name is Chris Summers. I live in a city which is named Liberty. Most of the citizens call the place Liberty City. I am 24 and and I am a scuba diver to discover new species in the Liberty City Sound (LCS). Apartment 4D, Jade St, Algonquin 8:15 AM I wake up to the usually surroundings, a nice cozy bed. An old Degenatron in the living room. "Dang, I'm almost late for work" *Gets in the shower, washes up. Puts on clothes and am Heading out of my apartment* (Wait, what? That's not even a description more or less.) "Can't believe I'm late for work. Maria is going to freaking kill me" *Goes east on Jade St, Right on Albany Ave. Turn left onto Leapers Bridge taking me to President St* I park in the usually parking spot that i normally do. Seeing Maria Pissed off as ever as i get out of my car. I run up to her and asked her if they already started the investigation. Thankfully they didn't. "So, Chris. Never missed a single day of work in you're life. So why such a sudden change?" Maria said being sarcastic. "Oh, just the usually my clock got set wrong and woke me up at 8:15 not 8:00" i snapped back at her. "Sheesh, whats with you today?" Maria asked. "Nothing, Just dont blame me, blame the freaking clock" I said back calmly So we check out the new species. Sort of a interbreed of Cells. Pretty small, but we get the samples and head out. Nothing will prepare us for what we saw next visit to the Liberty City Sound...Nothing There's also the various mistakes and errors founded as well that I won't point. You have an interesting base of story that you're trying to flesh out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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