WalkerBoh Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 Ive always felt that I do not think right. I see things differently then others, I percieve them differently. I seem to be very sensitive to my emotions, where the ups and downs produce a body 'high'. When I feel good, I feel really good, I feel like I can do more. When I feel bad I feel a huge loss of self esteem, and I do to much mind reading. Thinking that I know what people are thinking about me or a situation, and for some reason Im almost always right or somehow I deductively and mathematically figure it out so quickly from whatever Ive seen from the persons action/how they are leading me to judge and produce a quick negative or positive liking, my social life is pretty sh*t, although Ive tried to learn from my past mistakes, even though I can not figure out why I made them,Its as if I have no control at times why am I so STUPID? There are several reasons I believe I have schizophrenia. Number one is that there is a history of it in my family on both sides. Number two is the fact Ive suffered from depression forever, but kinda learned to live with it, after numerous therapy/struggles. I do have some addiction problems that probably made things worse or better depending on the situation and what I was using, but Im coping with these much better then I used to and feel that it was more of a phase of my adolescense then anything else, although my physical and mental state is still healing from my past battles. Number 3 Ive read the symptoms numerous times in my life and it seems that alot of these things apply to me, the one being the most is the fact I have multiple voices in my head arguing and pulling my thoughts in different directions, allthough they are lessened depending on my stress level. SO my only solution is managin my mental stress. Schneiderian Classification The psychiatrist Kurt Schneider (1887–1967) listed the forms of psychotic symptoms that he thought distinguished schizophrenia from other psychotic disorders. These are called first-rank symptoms or Schneider's first-rank symptoms, and they include delusions of being controlled by an external force; the belief that thoughts are being inserted into or withdrawn from one's conscious mind; the belief that one's thoughts are being broadcast to other people; and hearing hallucinatory voices that comment on one's thoughts or actions or that have a conversation with other hallucinated voices.[7] The reliability of first-rank symptoms has been questioned,[8] although they have contributed to the current diagnostic criteria. That quote is from the wiki article onschizophrenia. Disorganized thinking and speech is also something Ive noticed forever in my thoughts and actions, since a young age. Ive had a very sh*tty life at times, many times Ive done certain actions, which I feel I did not think over, as if I can not think themover, very spontaneous. It seemed working with my stress levels decreased my overall condition. Marijuana was a great cure for years, maybe because it dumbed me down in a sense and I stopped thinking so much and the voices would stop arguing in my head. I felt balanced. But random spontaneous moments of self destruction due to times when I dug my own hole or was letdown in life (a girl threw me away for being nuts and I attempted suicide once, but I was under the influence of a explosive cocktail of drugs that really only made me blackout and lose a job due to smoking dope in a Mcdonalds shed while drunk and on way to many muscle relaxors and methadone). I belive I suffer from schizophrenia, but it only messes with my life when Im under high levels of stress. If I keep my stress level low and try and keep the voices positive things seem to be undercontrol. Also staying away from all mind altering substances. I do get drunk occasionally nowadays and enjoy a few beers, a buzz more then getting drunk, at th eend of the day to unwind,since I can't smoke marijuana the way things are going today. I don't seem to self destruct anymore, but I know that its possible If I do not keep myself in check,keep busy. But I get so scatterbrained at times I fall out of routine unless Im very, very busy. I'm in the final process of joining the US military. I question whether or not this is a smart move due to my mental state at times. But its to late, if they kick me out in BT cause Im nuts then thats it, I do not know what to do with my life. My mother has always told me I drove myself crazy with what Ive done to my brain, that I damaged myself. But I feel Ive been damaged goods since birth, maybe I made it worse, but I have figured out how to deal with it sometimes. But Ive been clean off of everything thats ever messed with me negatively for days, I havent smoked marijuana and dont intend to for a long time. I know that it not the problem I think I need to be medicated or meditated or some new way to deal with this f*cking way I am that I feel is not right. I don't know what to do with myself, I feel no one understands, all I ever get from friends and family is your "this or that, dumb, you think to much" but your not crazy. You can or you cant, you are in control of your own mind. Then why do I feel like I am not? how can I gain complete control? or am I just damaged goods getting more damaged with every nervous breakdown and the ones ahead I feel are waiting for me? I don't feel safe to be living in society with what I was born with. I feel like a proximity mine of life, I get to close to something new, scary, stressfull and I have a thin line of surviving or exploding and I cant stop it nor control it very much. Tommorrow Probably I feel fine, but a matter of time and a matter of stress im going to be feeling whack again and Im getting rather tired of having to battle with my own self. You have to learn to love yourself before you can love anyone else. But this scatterbrained sh*t is not fun. Or maybe it's all in my head. Ha. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
liesofsilence Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 If you start feeling this way, you seriously better stay off the weed man. If you were sensitive for mental illnesses all along, weed may cause a trigger. two notes though... i'm not against drugs (hard drugs only) i'm stoned Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forty Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 I've found that when people are suffering from heavy depression and unhappiness they often seek the possibility that there is a deeper cause. I've thought for the longest time that I have some form of Aspergers because I exhibit many symptoms of different variations of the disorder that I've researched (minus the lack of speech, obviously lol). If you were truly schizophrenic, there would be a definite and clear feeling that outside forces or identities are controlling your thoughts and actions, a total loss of self identity or composure. Not in the sense of becoming a different person like dramatized on TV, but there would be no doubt that you feel imposed upon by alternative sources than your own brain. Depression often leads to paranoia and hypochondria, and that in turn causes people like you and me to seek out explanations. I'd say you should talk to someone more knowledgeable on the subject, someone with an education or background in that type of issue. See what they have to say. It's not always a solution that needs medicine or diagnosis, just a shift in thinking and surrounding. Much of my depression is situational and based on the fact that I loathe or am irritated by almost all facets of my daily life. That sort of sh*t really wears on you and affects your sanity. I can definitely relate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vercetti21 Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 Wow, sounds like you're in deep sh*t. Sucks to be you... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forty Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 Wow, sounds like you're in deep sh*t. Sucks to be you... Why are you posting here? Did you join this forum to do anything constructive? f*ck off, troll. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WalkerBoh Posted February 7, 2008 Author Share Posted February 7, 2008 (edited) I just don't get why Ive done so many things without thinking, as If Im not in control. this happened to me way back when I was younger, before I ever hit a joint or anything. I just do stupid things sometimes that make no sense. I just don't get why I feel so scatterbrained at times, It comes and goes, I was reliving some old memories yesterday talking with a friend who just turned 20, and It got me thinking alot, I feel so manic. I have seen 2 shrinks in my life when I was 17-18, one gave me a bunch of valium and seroquil and the other just talked to me and told me to tell my negative thoughts to f*ck off, although she believed I was bipolar or had a schizo mood disorder. But when a doctor puts these labels on you and gives you meds I feel it really f*cks up you chances for what you can achieve in life. The USAF will kick me out if their mental evaluation show I am psychotic. And Ill come home and my parents will be like, I told you so you f*cked up you should have never ate mushrooms, etc blah blah all my fault. Im stressed, Im leaving everything behind soon and trying my hand at a 4 year term. I just don't want to f*ck this up, I feel I was screwed before I ever started. Im not really down all the time, Im just worried that Im gonna get f*cked over out a good chance to start a life just because of something that is genetic and I have no control over. Edited February 7, 2008 by WalkerBoh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vercetti21 Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 (edited) Why are you posting here? Did you join this forum to do anything constructive? f*ck off, troll. lol ur a jew I dun get it Just because a person f*cks around every now and then doesn't mean they aren't a constructive member. Edited February 7, 2008 by Vercetti21 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forty Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 Why are you posting here? Did you join this forum to do anything constructive? f*ck off, troll. lol ur a jew Just because a person f*cks around every now and then doesn't mean they aren't a constructive member. Ha OK. I don't usually respond to noticeably serious posts with that sort of nonsense. I wait for a better time. Walker it sounds like you need some sort of hobby or interest that doesn't stress you out. Something you can do that relieves your mind of tension and lets you relax, if even for a couple hours. I go play disc golf, personally. Talk about relaxing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vanilla Shake Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 Wow, sounds like you're in deep sh*t. Sucks to be you... Dick. This sounds kind of like a similar situation with me. Sometimes I can feel extremely positive, and then the next minute I'll have little to no self-esteem. I also ponder on what people are thinking about me, I have some social problems, often times I feel like I'm paranoid, life hasn't exactly been on the upside for the majority of my days, and some of the other problems you've mentioned have plagued me for years. I wouldn't know if I'd call my situation schizophrenia or not, but then again I'm not sure about many things these days. But yeah, I too can relate. TC718 / <629 / CF5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WalkerBoh Posted February 7, 2008 Author Share Posted February 7, 2008 Why are you posting here? Did you join this forum to do anything constructive? f*ck off, troll. lol ur a jew Just because a person f*cks around every now and then doesn't mean they aren't a constructive member. K. I don't usually respond to noticeably serious posts with that sort of nonsense. I wait for a better time. Walker it sounds like you need some sort of hobby or interest that doesn't stress you out. Something you can do that relieves your mind of tension and lets you relax, if even for a couple hours. I go play disc golf, personally. Talk about relaxing. Yeah, I like training and fitness, I find it hard to start a routine though and stick with it. part of the reason I wanted to go and get some military training and discipline. I just hope it doesnt seem so evident to a professional mental disorder screener that theres something off about me. Im a good lyer but It'll eat away at me one day or another. I love my punching bag. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Killa Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 I'm no professional consular or anything, but in your situation I would say find a physical hobby (maybe a sport) and lay off the drugs. Also start into a healthy diet. It'll probably take a lot of work, but I'm not sure what else you can do Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WalkerBoh Posted February 7, 2008 Author Share Posted February 7, 2008 (edited) The whole thing thats odd though is I dont do anything anymore besides drink occaisonally. My sober state of mind is f*cked Im saying. I feel Id be better off on something, but I cant do that because it does make me a lot nuttier when Im coming off and I can't really get a life getting stoned all the time where Im at right now with things. It's been over 30 days, give or take a few, since my last toke and a year or so since I was a trash can putting anything in my body to escape reality. I have not had a major relapse into my old ways of using in a long time. Edited February 7, 2008 by WalkerBoh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Creed Bratton Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 Find a hobby dude seriously. And stay off the internet and games for a few months. You should feel a lot better after that. Also get a girlfriend if you dont have one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bagga rabbit Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 Don't sweat the "small" stuff, try to keep your stress level down,(exercise or meditation work for me) and let some time pass. You're O.K. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chris cambo Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 I feel i have mild scitzophrenia, i feel the same symptons as you, although i havent really suffered depression and my childhood was quite good. I think its just naturally occuring. For example i had a fight with this guy and everybody said that i lost even though he has an unfair advantage, at first i didnt care but i saw him walking and just flipped out, he ended up with a broken nose and shattered eyesocket and i got suspended from school. I dont have a problem with my aggresion well not all the time but sometimes i have strange thoughts, like if somebody makes fun of me a think of killing them without any good reason too. or maybe im just weird. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zenko Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 If you start feeling this way, you seriously better stay off the weed man. If you were sensitive for mental illnesses all along, weed may cause a trigger. two notes though... i'm not against drugs (hard drugs only) i'm stoned Bad for you.. ----- Offtopic.. You should get banned for your signature thats racist man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 (edited) I feel i have mild scitzophrenia, i feel the same symptons as you, although i havent really suffered depression and my childhood was quite good. I think its just naturally occuring. For example i had a fight with this guy and everybody said that i lost even though he has an unfair advantage, at first i didnt care but i saw him walking and just flipped out, he ended up with a broken nose and shattered eyesocket and i got suspended from school. I dont have a problem with my aggresion well not all the time but sometimes i have strange thoughts, like if somebody makes fun of me a think of killing them without any good reason too. or maybe im just weird. I did the same thing once. I totally went off on my cousin, though I don't remembered why. Anyways, I also sometimes see a bright beam of light that quickly flies across my field of view, and I frequently hear ambient chatter when I'm trying to go to sleep, but I doubt it's schizophrenia. It doesn't run in my family. Edited February 7, 2008 by Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ass reamer Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 If you think you have schizophrenia, you don't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bagga rabbit Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 If you think you have schizophrenia, you don't. Maybe the "other" guy does. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vercetti21 Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 Roses are red, Violets are blue. I have schizophrenia, And so do I. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jake Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 That sucks, man. You should go talk to a psychologist about it and see what's really going down in your mind. I know I'm not like most either, but it doesn't get to the point where I can't and/or have trouble controlling my own mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Claude GTA3 Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 You're pretty much like me,man,I always feel like that. I'm usually depressed or very happy. My mood is very changy(is that a word?). No,I don't think you're a schizophrenic,you're probably just having a rough time,that's all. Well,if you are one....well,then stay off the bong,it causes mental illnesses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WalkerBoh Posted February 7, 2008 Author Share Posted February 7, 2008 (edited) I had some talks yesterday with some more important people in my life and slept on some things. I think Im having withdrawls from life. Im about to change my whole world and Im just nervous, some part of me is looking for a way out, thinking I cant do what Im going to do. I think mental conditions are a load of crap, I think everyones minds just work differently, and how my mind works is just how it is. Edited February 7, 2008 by WalkerBoh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jake Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 I think I may be bipolar because I have mood swings as well. Definitely not as serious as my girlfriend's bipolar disorder, but I think I may have it. My mind is always really f*cked when I quit weed, whatever the reason for quitting may be. I think it happens to everyone, but I just have trouble being happy, I'm grouchy as f*ck if you piss me off in the slightest, etc. I know a lot of people say weed helps with mental problems, and I think it may hide the problems, but when you quit smoking weed (and this could be compared to any other mind altering substance out there) you're going to have some problems coping with stopping it if it helps you in multiple ways with your peace of mind and peace of life. I'm like you Walker with the beer drinking, although I can't do it very much due to lack of money. But it does help me cope with not being able to get stoned. I've been in parts of my life before where after I quit I don't have any problems with it after about one to two months, but those first one to two months have always sucked ball sacks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Svip Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 Do you talk to yourself? Cause I do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jake Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 sh*t who doesn't talk to their self? ..or is that not normal? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Svip Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 sh*t who doesn't talk to their self? ..or is that not normal? Man was I surprised when I figured it wasn't! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WalkerBoh Posted February 7, 2008 Author Share Posted February 7, 2008 Yeah, thats what I think to jake, Im little whack since stopping smoking, I still yearn for it. I got high three - however many times a day for 4 years straight and another 3 before that of randomly doing it. In the 4 years I only had 2 times I stopped for 30-50 days, one I was forced to and another I choose to get to where I am now. Yes I talk to myself, randomly, although I do it more when no ones around, so Im concious of it to a point. Im going to stop thinking so much about myself and more about what I can do with myself. One foot in yesterday and one foot in tommorrow leaves you pissin all over today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quadropheniac90 Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 I can relate to the mood thing, and feeling like I'm different from everyone else. Though lately it's been mostly depression, up to the point of trying to figure out the least painful way of suicide, or at least a cry for help to my environment. I just keep telling myself it's not all as bad as it seems it is, and that works. Hang in there, man, just find someone to talk to who actually understands you to a degree. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jake Posted February 8, 2008 Share Posted February 8, 2008 sh*t, man, all you can do is take it one day at a time. I agree with teun about talking to people, and you can PM me or whatever if you wanna talk. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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