Jump to content

Gettin Back


longkissgoodnight

Recommended Posts

longkissgoodnight

It was Monday morning in a huge and busy city. People were going to work and doing there jobs. There was a very huge tower in the center of this city. All the way on the top of this tower there was a guy sitting and doing paperwork - the guy’s name is Steven. He is reading a bunch of papers when a client walks in. Steven puts the papers down and looks up at the client. Steven: can I help you? The client: my name is Brian and I’m sure you heard of me before. Steven thinks for a moment and starts talking; I don’t think so, please tell me more about yourself. Brian: well I been around this city and I have been taking over businesses – I am a mafia leader and there are many members that belong to my family. Steven: what are you doing with all the businesses? Brian: well they are my fronts and I collect money from them. Steven: I heard that nobody has ever told you no as an answer. Brian: yes, that is correct. Steven: so what are you doing here? Brian: well I have come to offer you to sell this whole building to me – since you own it. Steven: I don’t think I would want to do something like that because I work here – this is my life – I put a lot of dedication into it, my father used to work here until he passed away. Brian: you are making a very big mistake. Steven: is that a threat? Brian: no. Steven: so why is it a mistake? Brian: because I am starting to own everything in this city. Steven: so I guess I am the first one to tell you no. Brian looks into Stevens face and Steven looks back at his and Brian says: you will regret this and he turns around and walks out the door. Brian reaches into his pocket and pulls out a cell phone and dials a number. It rings and then another voice picks up and says: hello? Brian: James – it’s me. James: what did he say? Brian: he refused to sell it – you no what to do. James: okay, ill do it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

People this is my first fan fiction. It ain't a script - its just a story. Please post comments and opionions. Thank You!

Sometimes things wont go down so easily!

 

Evil never dies! (Under heavy construction)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dude, that sucked. Like hard core sucked. First of all, it doesn't make any sense. Steven doesn't know Brian but has heard that no one has refused him? Secondly, it's a big paragraph with no semblence of decent structure or grammar. Brian: Yeah youre making teh big mistake just doesn't cut it especially in this stupid one paragraph structure. It's called quotation marks!

 

"When dialogue is presented it should be in a new paragraph," I said.

 

Then there's the story... wow, you have such an imagination! I can't wait to see where this is going. Does Brian call out a hit on Steven who then amazingly turns from white collar dude to GI Joe and kills a whole slew of Mafia goons? Have you even thought that far? I hope you wont get that far. In fact, I hope the only thing you write in the future is either a grocery list or a letter to your jailed uncle Boone. Stick to reading, or do you suck at that too?

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

longkissgoodnight

Hey candarelli if you really think about it every story is pretty much guessable at what will happen next. And its a story - its not a script tho. But if other people rate this story bad than I wont write it I "at least" wanna see what 10 people will say. Your # 1.

Sometimes things wont go down so easily!

 

Evil never dies! (Under heavy construction)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey candarelli if you really think about it every story is pretty much guessable at what will happen next. And its a story - its not a script tho. But if other people rate this story bad than I wont write it I "at least" wanna see what 10 people will say. Your # 1.

Well, I at least give you points for not being a douche bag back to me. smile.gif

Link to comment
Share on other sites

longkissgoodnight

How am I being douche bag? All I want is a chance. And you didn't even give me points. You said it sucked twice. Your telling me the plot. You are telling me that I suck "point blank". And I hope you no what I mean by point blank.

Sometimes things wont go down so easily!

 

Evil never dies! (Under heavy construction)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It was so boring and poorly written. Try adding a lot of detail to things. Also, try writing like this:

 

"I'm not going to sell this business to you. Deal with it," he said calmly, hiding his shaking and sweaty palms under the desk he's seated at, as the man stares through his calm complextion. "Alright, you win - keep the business," he says, grinning at the man. He stands to his feet and straightens out his black jacket, etc blah blah, you get it.

 

So, yeah.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

longkissgoodnight

Hey Tony it sounds like you could make another hit if you were to write this story. I wanna see what more people will say to my story but as of now - the way its looking: I am "not" continuing this story.

Sometimes things wont go down so easily!

 

Evil never dies! (Under heavy construction)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeah, it was horrible.

Dialog should be a completely new paragraph, not something like

 

"brien; yo whats up, steven: yo nothin much man"

 

Your story needs detail, and it was one solid paragraph, it needs to be broken apart.

kdr9l4.png

Link to comment
Share on other sites

longkissgoodnight

I'm writing a story not a script. A script has broken up paragraphs. A story gos together.

Sometimes things wont go down so easily!

 

Evil never dies! (Under heavy construction)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm writing a story not a script. A script has broken up paragraphs. A story gos together.

Not what I meant.

Your whole story was one solid paragraph. It needs to be broken apart at points to make it easier to read and to make each paragraph more distinguishable.

kdr9l4.png

Link to comment
Share on other sites

longkissgoodnight

You said "to make it easier to read"...what exactly about it that makes it hard to read? Please explain.

Sometimes things wont go down so easily!

 

Evil never dies! (Under heavy construction)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm writing a story not a script. A script has broken up paragraphs. A story gos together.

What do you mean a "story"? I think I know what you mean, I do that too sometimes.. you know, like an outline that lets me construct an overall story or idea, but then I fill it out and make it an actual piece of short story prose. Dude, if you're posting an outline post it in the Ideas thread. It's an idea at this point... a very generic and unfilled out idea, not a finished piece.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

longkissgoodnight

Bro this ain't an idea I had it in my head for a while now. And why do people keep on quoting what I say? Stop doing that its annoying.

Sometimes things wont go down so easily!

 

Evil never dies! (Under heavy construction)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

I'm writing a story not a script. A script has broken up paragraphs. A story gos together.

 

Cubanwhip laughs hysterically, whacks off, then comes back for a serious evaluation.

 

You don't want a script? Don't write a script. You basically just wrote a script, hit backspace and made it into a single paragraph. Stories don't use colons after character names to distinguish dialog, scripts do. Stories use quotations or italics and are separated into different paragraphs to make and easier read.

 

And by easier to read, that doesn't mean smash it into one paragraph. That's the worst you can do to try to make it easier to read. People want to be able to know who's talking with being told directly who it is like you're doing.

 

You

Brian: but i don't wanna go to teh hoodz. Steven: too bad. Brain: awww man.

 

Proper:

"But I don't wanna do into the hood man," Brian said as he looked out at the horizon.

 

"It's not like you have a choice there, Brian," Steven said in a persuasive tone.

 

Brian looked one last time at the horizon, then at Steven. "Alright, whatever you say man."

 

See, properly, you can add detail and it's much easier to read than the jumbled up paragraph.

 

Also, shut up. Everyone here is trying to help, and you're in f*cking denile because you can't realize the sh*t you just spewed out of your FINGERS. YOU'RE LITTLE sh*t MCNUGGET FINGERS THAT COULD ROT IN A DEADLY, ROTTING SEWER TOAD.

 

So stop saying "10 more people because someone has to like it...right?!"

 

No. Nobody has to. Clean it up, and realize that people will take sh*ts on you until you clean yourself up and you start taking massive sh*ts on them. THAT'S WHAT I DID BABY.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

And why do people keep on quoting what I say? Stop doing that its annoying.

Ah, but we already knew of your aversion to quotation marks, you didn't have to tell us again.

 

And yeah, what whip! said.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

longkissgoodnight

Hey Cuban I didn't hit backspace on nothing. Stories can do anything and contain anything. People use paragraphs to express different ideas. This is 1 paragraph. How are they trying to help - there just saying my story is bad. What did I spew out? I didn't spew out anything. And I didnt say that someone has to like it. I am not a forceful person.

 

I am a friendly person - I wanna be friends with everybody. I didnt come here to argue with people. So stop cursing. I want to be friends with everybody in this "community"

Sometimes things wont go down so easily!

 

Evil never dies! (Under heavy construction)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

Cubanwhip slaps dick with a force that could make your mom cry.

Easy boy, I know how you get around pussies.

 

ANYWAYS.

 

Yeah, stories contains ideas, but at least make them coherent, please.

 

And paragraphs aren't only used to express different ideas. They're used to organize the f*ckING sh*t f*ck HOLY MOTHER OF f*ckING CHRIST JESUS f*ck ME WITH A PILLOW AND A JACK HAMMER KNIFE sh*t story. Your 'paragraph' definetly isn't one idea, and is definetly not organzied.

 

How about you stop arguing your invalid point, and fix it, if not HOLY MOTHER OF GOD A f*ckING TURTLE ASS DICK f*ck kindly take leave of this place.

 

These random moments of Torrettes and cursing brought to you by: Me. So f*ck you too.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well...

 

1. This is a script, a very sh*tty one at that.

2. If you've had it in your head for a while, than it's still an "idea."

3. Use quotation marks, rather than, "Mark: lol we gon get him"

4. Break up your paragraphs.

5. Work on your spelling and grammar.

6. Proofread your story for any mistakes/anything that doesn't make sense. Remember, rough draft, then story.

7. Don't discontinue a story because you're getting criticism, it's only meant to help.

 

Now, when you're done arguing with every post that's been made in this topic, I'll be back. Until then, I've got better things to waste my time on.

Slosten.gif

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, I'm in the minority that thinks this is incredible. You should be really proud of yourself. From the bottom of my heart. <3

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am the turnip man. My children are bars of gold. This is my life story.

 

December 5th, 1959: London, England.

"Last call for the train to mars," the voice echoed over the speakers spread across the train terminal's ground floor. I adjusted my suit whilst running with my luggage through a swarm of killer bees.

 

I had arrived at the train. I dropped my suitcase and leaned down, unzipping it and pulling out a f*ckING JESUS H. CHRIST MACHINE GUN POEWPOWPOWPOWPWOWPOWOPWOPWPOWOPWOPPWOPOWOPWOPW I STYARTED KILLING PEOP[LE PWOWPWOWPOWOPWOPWOPOWWOWPOWOPOPWWOPOPWOPWOPWOPWPOWOPWPOWOPWOPWOPWOPW

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This topic is now about Tony's story.

 

I'll continue where he picked off.

 

OH THERE GOES THE OLD LADY AND HER GRANDSON LOL HERE COMES THE TRAIN LET ME GET MY RPG OUT BOOM BYE BYE TRAIN OH sh*t NOW WHAT DO I DO I HAVE NO TRANSPORTATION

I stuffed everything back into my duffel bag OH sh*t WHERE'D THAT COME FROM I THOUGHT I HAD A SUITCASE, and zipped it back up. I was in quite the predicament. No ride, and triple quadruple homicide on my hands.

Slosten.gif

Link to comment
Share on other sites

POWPOWPOWPOWPOW MACHINE GUN PISTOL SMG ROCKET LAUNCHER ON THEIR ASSES AS I RAN THROUGH THE MALL AND KILLED ALL THEM PEOPLE

I jumped onto the car and began to yell at the man to get out of the minivan, as

JESUS f*ckING CHRIST HE HAD A f*ckING GUN HE SHOT AT ME. BOOMBAMPOW HOLY f*ckING HELL I NEEDED TO GET OUT OF THERE

I kicked him out of his car and sped off into the distance.

kdr9l4.png

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Because a story isn't all that great doesn't mean you need to sh*t up the f*cking topic with your attempts to make a sh*ttier story. Shut the f*ck up.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

longkissgoodnight

Well thats enough bad reviews for me - I am not continuing this story anymore - ill just sit back on the "bleachers" and read the classics. And by the way just to let a lot of people no - I don't no what your problem is. When someone writes a script or a story and they show it to a producer or a director - they don't say of how much it sucked - they don't curse at them and they don't offend them nor make fun of them. I never did anything bad to any of you people - I just wanna be friends and I don't like that most of you are making fun of me. I never did anything wrong!

Sometimes things wont go down so easily!

 

Evil never dies! (Under heavy construction)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Woah, Jesus.

 

Everyone calm the hell down -- there's been faults on both sides here. "longkissgoodnight" -- I understand that canderalli really didn't have constructive criticism at all, but never further someone's flaming with more flaming. It gets people no where. And the rest of you guys, jeeze. I understand playful jabbing, but how far are you guys gonna go to prove your f*ckin' point? I get the guy's indenial, but jeeze, here's how you kill off a story -- don't reply to it!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

Well thats enough bad reviews for me - I am not continuing this story anymore

Don't discontinue it because you got criticism. In fact, that's one of the main purposes of this forum. If you can't handle criticism, than you'll never be able to take writing seriously.

 

 

When someone writes a script or a story and they show it to a producer or a director

Ah, but you see, we aren't producers nor are we directors. We're interested in stories, rather than scripts. We want literature, not motivation for our next biggest movie.

 

 

I just wanna be friends and I don't like that most of you are making fun of me. I never did anything wrong!

Well, it would help if you would stop arguing with every comment made about the story. Remember, most people don't have good first projects. My first story was complete sh*t. And that's why we're making negative comments; we want you to correct your mistakes. And this attitude about how "if no one likes it I'm going to quit" really puts us off too. Not everyone is going to like your stories, but that doesn't mean you should quit. Write for yourself, not for the people on this forum.

 

That being said, lurking around here would probably do you some good, but please realize we were only trying to help. And I apologize for my previous post, that was quite immature of me.

Slosten.gif

Link to comment
Share on other sites

longkissgoodnight

I am going to go and say that I am very sorry for who ever I argued with and coral city your right - flaming with flaming gets people no were. Hey emopat I am sorry too. And I would like to people friends here with everybody.

 

And again I would like to send out personal apologies to the following people who has responded here:

Candarelli

TonyZimmzy

Oblivionz

Cubanwhip

Tommy vs Claude

Oxidizer

Saltinespike

 

And to who ever wants to apologize back than it will be greatly appreciated. =)

Sometimes things wont go down so easily!

 

Evil never dies! (Under heavy construction)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Don't discontinue this if you're really going to work to improve though, we're just trying to help.

Well, sort of, but yeah. Just keep trying, and you'll get to become a great writer over time.

kdr9l4.png

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
  • 1 User Currently Viewing
    0 members, 0 Anonymous, 1 Guest

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using GTAForums.com, you agree to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy.