"Callback Jokes"

[GameChristopher]

 

 

“They’re called callback jokes.”

We’re in the car, driving back to Laura’s house, listening to New York State of Mind by Billy Joel turned way low and no one had spoken for about five minutes previous to this statement. We had been talking, earlier, as we were getting into the car, but a few seconds of silence had stretched into a few minutes a little too quickly for my liking. I couldn’t just turn up the radio to get rid of the awkward silence, that’d be like acknowledging that it existed. The radio can only be turned up immediately after conversation has ended. It’s just one of the laws of life with music.

“What?”

“All those jokes you said you didn’t understand? They’re callback jokes.”

“…Okay.” She laughs, but it’s not one that I can join in on. She asks me, “Like what do you mean?”

“Right, well, remember when King-“

“That’s the guy with the hair, right?”

“Yeah. Anyway, when we were all watching Terminator 3 for like ten minutes, and I asked who would have made a better T-1000 and King said Ray Liotta and we all laughed? That was a callback joke.”

The song ends and 1979 by Smashing Pumpkins starts. I turn it up a little bit, but not enough to signal anything.

“So what was it calling back to, exactly?

She’s lighting a cigarette as she says this, and for a second I can see her face, red and yellow in the firelight. My story suddenly seems a little stupid. But I’ve already said this much, so I press on.

“Well, about a week or so ago we were watching…some movie with Ray Liotta in it. It must have been Goodfellas, because that’s the only movie that really comes to mind when I think of him, well, Vice City, but that wasn’t a movie.”

I’m babbling. I don’t think I’ve ever been this nervous in my entire life. What is wrong with me? I’m nineteen years old; I should be completely used to first dates by now. Hell, I’ve had three in the past month. But this chick, Laura, she’s giving me butterflies.

“I know he was in Field Of Dreams, but that doesn’t count. Anyways, so we started talking about how Ray Liotta is pretty badass, then of course the conversation switched around to Chuck Norris, and Arnold, and somehow…you think I’m an idiot now, don’t you?”

And she laughs, for real this time.

“I know you’re not an idiot,” she says, and I can hear the smile in her voice. “If you were I wouldn’t be in the car with you.”

“My friends didn’t scare you off?”

“They were…a lot to take in at once, I guess. One or two at a time I could have handled, but six at once is a little much-“

“Culture shock. I got you.”

She doesn’t say anything after that, and so I turn up the radio. We’re probably halfway to her house by now, and awkwardness is slowly creeping back up on us. This is the point where I try my “let’s be as direct as possible” approach.

“So how’d I do tonight, on a scale of, oh, three to seventeen?”

“How do you mean?”

“Date-wise. What are my chances with you in the future? You know, the whole ‘are we gonna date again’ thing?”

“Well-“

“Provided that next time it’s just you and me.” If this doesn’t work, I’m not going to be a happy camper. But she laughs again, and I know I’m safe.

“I had a great time with you tonight,” she says, with emphasis on the ‘with you’ part, and she puts her hand over mine. “I’d say you’re about a fifteen.”

I squeeze her fingers with mine and say “I’m okay with that.”

 

 

 

“So then what happened?”

“So we’re agreed, then, that up until this point it was, if not a great date, at least something that I can be a little proud of, right? I mean, fifteen, that’s a good number.”

Josh leans over, a cigarette stuck between his lips, smoke whirling around his face.

“What range did you give her again?”

He lines up the cue stick and aims for the yellow number one ball.

“Three to seventeen.”

He shoots. The one ball smashes into the corner pocket.

“Any particular reason?”

I’m trying not to look at my cell phone, so I turn the TV on instead.

“Not really. She’s just…kind of hard for me to think straight sometimes, you know?”

I’m not watching but I hear another crack and a smash, and Josh asks “Okay, so then what happened?”

“After she tells me I was a fifteen?” I’m stalling, and he knows it.

“Yes. After that.”

I’ve left the television on, but muted.

“Her boyfriend calls her.” I say, “And she is just oh so happy to hear from him, and he’ll be getting out of basic soon, and she can’t wait to see him at his graduation, and that’s all she talked about for the rest of the ride home.” I’m standing up now, grabbing the pool stick out of Josh’s hands. I don’t really aim but I hit the cue ball and it goes smacking against the rail. “She says ‘Oh he’s so different now, he does everything I want him to do, and he completely dotes on me, it’s amazing and I love it,’ when two days ago she was telling me she wanted to be in my arms all night.”

Josh’s eyes widen as I’m talking, maybe because of the much more animated way I began to move, or maybe he’s thinking about the fact that he’s going into basic in a matter of days, leaving behind a girl himself. He opens his mouth, to say something, but he doesn’t have the chance because I’m still on a roll.

“Yes, I did, Josh, I did know that she had a boyfriend that was in basic training before I went out with her. Yes I can completely understand the fact that I really had this coming. Doesn’t change the fact that it still f*cking hurts, does it?”

 

[Pat]

Excellent. A little on the short side, and the dialogue to description ratio is a bit too large for my taste, but other than that it's great.

 

You ever thought of trying to contact a publisher?

 

Edit: Just noticed that it's a narrative. That would explain why there's so much dialogue. Well, taking that into consideration, I can't find a single thing wrong with it. Bravo!

Edited January 25, 2008 by EmoPat

[-/TNT\-]

I truly loved that. Great flow. Honestly, I could've kept reading.

[GameChristopher]

Ugh. Re-reading this version actually pisses me off. I might have to go back and edit it with the final copy.

 

Thanks to both of you for taking the time to read it.

 

And for some general information, the final version will be posted with whatever grade it recieved from my English professor.

[GameChristopher]

F I N A L V E R S I O N

 

 

 

“They’re called callback jokes.”

We’re in the car, driving back to Laura’s house, listening to New York State of Mind by Billy Joel turned way low and no one has spoken for about five minutes. We had been talking, earlier, as we were getting into the car, but a few seconds of silence had stretched into a few minutes a little too quickly for me. I couldn’t just turn up the radio to get rid of the awkward silence, that’d be like acknowledging that it ever existed. The radio can only be turned up immediately after conversation has ended. It’s just one of the laws of music.

“What?”

“All those jokes you said you didn’t understand? They’re callback jokes.”

She doesn’t say anything, but I can feel her looking at me. I should have just turned the radio back up.

“Like, you know, referencing a joke we made beforehand.”

“…Okay.” She laughs, but it’s not one of those laughs that I’m allowed to join in on. She asks me, “Like what do you mean?”

“Right, well, remember when King-“

“That’s the guy with the hair, right?”

“Yeah. Anyway, when we were all watching Terminator 3 for like ten minutes, and I asked who would have made a better T-1000 and King said Ray Liotta and we all laughed? That was a callback joke.”

The song ends and 1979 by Smashing Pumpkins starts. I go to turn it up, but Laura starts talking and my hand freezes an inch from the knob.

“So what was it calling back to, exactly?”

She’s lighting a cigarette as she says this, and for a second I can see her face, red and yellow in the firelight. My story suddenly seems more than a little stupid. But I’ve said this much already, so I press on.

“Well, about a week or so ago we were watching…some movie with Ray Liotta in it. It must have been Goodfellas, because that’s the only movie that really comes to mind when I think of him, well, Vice City, but that wasn’t a movie. Actually, it might have been Southern Comfort, but I can’t remember if that was because he was in the movie or someone that looked like him was.”

I’m babbling. I don’t think I’ve ever been this nervous in my entire life. What is wrong with me? I’m nineteen years old; I should be completely used to first dates by now. Hell, I’ve had three in the past month. But this chick, Laura, she’s giving me butterflies.

“And I know he was in Field Of Dreams, but that doesn’t count because it was a baseball movie. Anyways, so we started talking about how Ray Liotta is pretty badass, then of course the conversation switched around to Jason Statham, and Jet Li, and somehow…you think I’m an idiot now, don’t you?”

And she laughs, for real this time.

“I know you’re not an idiot,” she says, and I can hear the smile in her voice. “If you were I wouldn’t be in the car with you.”

“My friends didn’t scare you off?”

“They were…a lot to take in at once, I guess. One or two at a time I could have handled, but six at once is a little much-“

“Culture shock. I got you.”

She doesn’t say anything after that, and so I turn up the radio. About thirty seconds later, I’m deciding to turn it back down.

“So how’d I do tonight, on a scale of, oh, three to seventeen?”

“How do you mean?”

“Date-wise. What are my chances with you in the future? You know, the whole ‘are we going to date again’ thing?”

“Well-“

“Provided that next time it’s just you and me.” Deep breaths. But she laughs again, and I know I’m safe.

“I had a great time with you tonight,” she says, with emphasis on the ‘with you’ part, and she puts her hand over mine. “I’d say you’re about a fifteen.”

I squeeze her fingers with mine and say “I’m okay with that.”

 

--- --- --- --- ---

 

“So then what happened?”

“So we’re agreed that up until this point it was, if not a great date, at least something that I can be a little proud of, right? I mean, fifteen, that’s a good number.”

Josh leans over, a cigarette stuck between his lips, smoke whirling around his face.

“What range did you give her, again?”

He lines up the cue stick and aims for the yellow number one ball.

“Three to seventeen.”

He shoots. The one ball smashes into the corner pocket.

“That should at least give you a makeout. Any particular reason why those though?”

I’m trying not to look at my cell phone, so I turn the TV on instead.

“Not really. She’s just…kind of hard for me to think straight sometimes, you know? Random numbers in my head.”

I’m not watching but I hear another crack and a smash, and Josh asks “Okay, so then what happened?”

“After she tells me I was a fifteen?” I’m stalling, and he knows it.

“Yes. After that.”

I’ve left the television on, but muted.

“Hey, you know Heath Ledger died, right?”

“What, come on man.”

“Broken back.”

“Dude serious – that’s not even funny – seriously, what happened?”

“Fine.” I say, “Her boyfriend calls her.”

I say, “And she is just oh so happy to hear from him, and he’ll be getting out of basic soon, and she can’t wait to see him at his graduation, and that’s all she talked about for the rest of the ride home.” I’m standing up now, grabbing the pool stick out of Josh’s hands. I don’t really aim but I hit the cue ball and it goes smacking against the rail. “She says ‘Oh he’s so different now, he does everything I want him to do, and he completely dotes on me, it’s amazing and I love it,’ when two days ago she was telling me she wanted to be in my arms all night.”

I’m looking at Josh not looking at me, and he says “That’s pretty messed up man.”

“Oh come on, now,” I say, tossing the pool stick onto the table. “You’ve got to be thinking more than that. Say what you really feel.”

“Don’t.” Josh turns, and now I’m the one looking away. There’s a moment of silence that I can’t afford to let stretch.

“It’s worse because I deserve it,” I said. “That’s what makes the whole thing suck so bad.”

Josh is quiet, but I can still feel him looking at me. Finally, he says; “You dated a girl whose boyfriend is in basic training? Christ, dude.”

He said, “You’re totally going to hell.”

I open the door and walk outside to smoke a cigarette. He follows me, like I knew he would. It’s dark in the country at night, no streetlights or cars or anything really. The wind blows, and it’s cool, but not cold, the kind of breeze you get a lot of in November.

I’m starting to get over it already, I think, because I turn to Josh and say “But think about her in that situation though.”

Josh, because he’s my friend, laughs. “Yeah,” he says, “What a whore.”

 

[Chickstick]

Great. I liked both versions, what little changes there were between them. Out of interest, what grade did you receive for it, or have you not been told this yet?

[GameChristopher]

94

 

[Chickstick]

94

Out of 100, I assume? That's a great mark, well done!

[Canofceleri]

It was okay, Wingman. You're dialogue was better than most of the sh*t that's on here, but like anything it can be worked on. It was a little hokey for my tastes, but it was an easy read even if I don't understand what you were getting at with it.

 

You could definitely brush up on your structure which was quite frankly horrendous. But again, that's not the content... just the form. Work on it. Learn how to write for this forum. In prose the block style that even I write in is not prefered, but indentions are not possible here. Line breaks will definitely help out your structure and make it not only easier to read, but more pleasing aesthetically.

 

On your changes, I actually prefered the sentiment of the original ending way more than the revised ending. It fit the story, and above all else it was a sweet exchange between the friends although I think it would have been more effective if... A) the main character didn't know about the boyfriend but his friend did B)the main character hadn't gone on three first dates that month, but possibly it was one of his first dates in a long time and finally C) "Yes I can completely understand the fact that I really had this coming. Doesn’t change the fact that it still f*cking hurts, does it?” could've been worded better leaving the same sentiment intact, that's actually a pretty good way to end off I think.

 

Keep writing and you'll get better and better. Dialogue is something one has to have a feel for, there are some real badass writers out there that just can't master good dialogue. But not you, you're sh*t isn't stiff and if you practice more you could be really good and emulating real class dialogue and social interactions.

 

Hope it helps.

[Pat]

 

indentions are not possible here

Bit off topic, but indentations are, in fact, possible here. Under every member's flag, there is a small square of transparency. It's not hard to find if you just highlight everything on the page (or right click randomly under any member's flag). Here's the URL:

 

http://media.gtanet.com/gtaforums/images/s...net_2-026/0.gif

 

Let's see an example.

 

Blah blah blah. Oh look, a paragraph.

Blah blah blah.

 

(I put it in twice, considering it's only two characters long)

 

Just thought I'd point that out.

 

@Revised version: Definitely worth a 94, even though I didn't see much changed.

[Canofceleri]

indentions are not possible here

Bit off topic, but indentations are, in fact, possible here. Under every member's flag, there is a small square of transparency. It's not hard to find if you just highlight everything on the page (or right click randomly under any member's flag). Here's the URL:

 

http://media.gtanet.com/gtaforums/images/s...net_2-026/0.gif

 

Let's see an example.

 

Blah blah blah. Oh look, a paragraph.

Blah blah blah.

 

(I put it in twice, considering it's only two characters long)

 

Just thought I'd point that out.

 

@Revised version: Definitely worth a 94, even though I didn't see much changed.

Sweet. I stand corrected.