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A Newcomer


discovery97

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At Francis International Airport a Japanese Man named Tosika arrived. He was to be the Triads new boss. He was short, about 5 and a half feet tall, Black slick hair, and sweating everywhere. he flagged down a taxi and hopped in as he said the address. The cab driver asked "the donut shop?" Tosika stuttered "ssomewwhere aroounnd tthere". The cab driver moaned "ok". and took off. It was a 30 min. drive which gave Tosika time to calm down, he did not know what to say or even what to do. He just he would be running a gang and a secret fish business hidden behind some trees.

 

Once they got to the donut place, Tosika hopped out and shook himself and clumsily walked to the soon-to-be-his fish factory. Once he got in everyone who saw him bowed which was thought really odd for Tosika. He walked his best although he really was nervous over to a door that said "manager: Tosika". Tosika felt a bit relieved. He opened the door with a creak and saw some Triads talking, one Triad looked up and saw Tosika. He got up walked over and said "good to see you new manager". Tosika walked in and sat down and suddenly all these crazy and horrible actions flooded into his mind and he was at ease as if he had been here working as manager all his life. He suddenly said everything that was in his mind. Surprisingly every Triad did what he ordered. Tosika felt good, he had never had people doing what he told them to do.

 

Well a few days later Tosika learned more about the Triads and all the other gangs, and hated only one out of all. The leones, he hated them but did not do an attack for many days, he only went on with the business getting angrier everytime a leone blows up or kills a Triad. Then suddenly his face grew purple and he exploded. He ordered every single Triad to go and make a huge attack on the leones. The Triads obeyed and quickly sent what would be called an army but that was only an exaggeration. Still the Triads were in enormous groups marching over to leone turf. Then on the fourth day of this gunfight tosika grabbed a minigun and went over to leone turf and starting blowing away leones. But then pissed off was Sal he ordered Toni to go and rip Tosika in half. So Toni grabbed a laser-scoped sniper rifle and aimed right at the fighting Tosika and shot his head off. Now this story ends with who the Triads thought would become great like their last murdered leader being shot dead. Tosika only lasted a few days and just never got the whole idea of gang managing and was murdered.

Edited by discovery97
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If anyone liked it you may give comments (I would try to do any critism I get but please explain it clearly and carefully because some advice I really dont get dontgetit.gif ).

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Alright, where do I begin?

First with the good stuff: I have noticed many stories and I would like to thank you for writing about Liberty City Stories because I like Toni Cipriani and the Leones. Saying this, I can see potensial in your writing and I like seeing the big, colored words at the beginning of your paragraphs (although the first letter should be big and colored).

 

Now with the bad: Your spelling is somewhat off and you needed to capitalize many things - all easy to fix. Can I ask how old you are ( I don't really care)? 'Cause you seem to be writing a summary as if you are in the fourth grade. I say include more descriptive words and fix what I said earlier, then you should be good to go.

 

If you are writing this for fun and don't care for the mistakes, then you shouldn't of posted this up. I don't mean to sound like a dick and seem offensive or anything, but this is the way you should improve. In all, I enjoyed reading this and for joining just twelve days ago, I can't wait to read more from you.

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I think you have a good plot and a potentially excellent story. But I noticed a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes, which is never good if you want people to take you serious.

 

Word of advice: Write your stories in Microsoft Word or any other program with spell check before you post it up here first. Correct anything and everything, proofread it, and then consider posting it.

 

Secondly, this also follows with the main mistake in your other story in that you are simply telling what is happening rather than describing it. You don't have to explain word for word everything that happens. Mix up your words a little, have fun with it. Imply things to allow the reader to figure it out for themselves, but give enough detail for them to do so.

 

All in all, this could have been a good story, but, in my opinion, it wasn't carried out properly. Please don't take that as me bashing your writing, but just continue at this and, with practice, you'll improve. smile.gif

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I'm 11 years old and probably the only 11 year old on these forums. I'm in six grade and this is of course to get better at my writing so if you say it's bloody 3 year old crap then don't post me about it silviodante. mad.gif . Now I'm trying but my dad's computer sucks, he owns a mac but it's only for pictures. Yes it is really annoying having to write with no spelling check as you have to do with these forums............. sarcasm.gif

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Oh yeah, just because I'm 11 years-old, don't take me as an idiot for writing in these forums (or even for being in these forums because I like GTA).

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I'm not making fun of your age or anything, but you wanted criticism and I gave it to you. Myself for example, I'm only 14 (going 15) and I can't seem to get ideas for writing that much and I get writer's block. Everyone has troubles with their writing, but we all improve with more time. Take one step at a time and first correct your spelling and grammar. If you want a good story, take your time.

 

No disrespect intended, I guess it did sound a bit mean confused.gif . I just meant to use a... metaphor? Also, I write in this forum because I like GTA, the reason due to learning about the delay. Sorry anyways and I would like to see more work from you.

 

Side Note: I looked at your profile and noticed that you were born on March 9th. I was born on March 8th... that's cool.

Edited by silviodante
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