New Adventure!

[discovery97]

Hi, I'm writing a new story. You know the rules all comments allowed and if you want to lengthen this story go ahead. Now we go right to the story, LCS here lets go:

 

It was a scorching day, and so it was too hot for walking outside for that would have been a dare that would make an unforgiving day. Everyone, except the gangs were inside trying not to become charcoal. The Triads were planning something, I can't tell you what because I'm for the Leones but they were planning something. Since I don't know what it is we will cut to the chase to Toni. Toni woke up, it was dark in the room because of the curtains so he was pissed. He was about to scream "soon I'm gonna move to Shorside Vale", When he checked the clock. It was 12:00, he had overslept. Toni shrugged and muttered "at least I slept great for the first time". Toni was cranky, but then again he always was. He hopped out of bed and got dressed in his antonio suit (it was a hot day to be wearing anything too casual) and walked outside. He didn't know what to do so he was about to hop in a Leone Sentinel and drive to Zip the clothes store when he got a call.

 

Toni answered it annoyed and then Sal came up. Sal told Toni that he heard the Triads were planning something but didn't know what. He told Toni to get Mickey and sneak through the Triad Fish Factory and see what is going on. So, loyal Toni went down to Mickey's house and picked him up, Toni told Mickey what they had to do. Now it was hard to please, trust, assure or even have him believe you can do anything, so when Mickey told him they would have to get Claude for help Toni just stayed shut and went to go get Claude. Well Claude agreed to come and next thing they knew was that they were sneaking through a crack in the wall that Toni blew up before. They got in and snook through crates and boxes til' they reached the meeting room they found another crack and got through. They saw some bags and behind them. They were loaded with guns and ammo. They were silent as the Triads were beginning to talk about remaking the lighthouse and building it bigger and more secure. They also mentioned they would get help with some Colombian Cartels to sneak some miniguns from Vice City over the border. Awwed by the news, Toni, Claude and Mickey snook out quickly to spread the news to Sal and every Leone. Once they finished, Sal told them he will check on it for the time being when, Claude spit out stupidly "Thats what we don't have!". Sal thought about it for a while and said that if they had to stop it so quick then they would have to do it alone because no Leone was available. So there they were driving towards the lighthouse by themsleves with no help, no heli's, no nothing. But they were there using a scoped rifle looking at the formations. The Triads were right, the lighthouse was bigger, and there were Triads armed to the neck in armo, machineguns and bullets. Claude was a trained sniper and gladly said that he would blow their heads off because their heads weren't covered.

 

So Toni, Claude and Mickey walked to the top of the cliff at the beach and gathered bushes and laid them around slabs of 5 inch metal so Claude wouldn't get hurt. they all squeezed in with Claude in the middle. He stared through the scope picking of Triads heads. Then suddenly just like that they could see yellow speeding bullets flying right at them but they were well covered and fighting back fiercely, Claude shot every one of them. They hurried back told Sal the news, and Sal quickly being reassured just to send a 3 hunters in their and take the lighthouse finally for himself and his Leones. Toni, Claude, Mickey and Sal had a big dinner that night knowing that they were safe from the lighthouse.

 

 

Hope you enjoyed it!!!

Edited December 20, 2007 by discovery97

[discovery97]

I want replies please. Not just reads. Please.

[Vercetti21]

Just a tip: people aren't going to read your stories if you don't format them. From one writer to another, never post a one-paragraph story, it's unappealing to the reader's eyes and they will likely not read it.

 

Seperate your writing into paragraphs, leaving spaces between each one to clean it up a bit. If you want to go even further, use code to pretty up your post with different colors and text sizes. Remember, the more attractive your post is, the more people will be attracted to reading it.

 

Now, on to the important part. Making it all look nice brings in the reader, but it's the writing itself that should keep them in. I've noticed one major problem you have which most new writers tend to make: You tell exactly what's happening rather than describing it.

 

For example, your first sentence:

 

 

It was a hot day, too hot in fact most of the pedestrians living in Liberty City were home that day.

 

Rather than telling the reader it was a hot day, use diction to imply that, and let the reader imagine it for themselves. Here's what I would have said:

 

"The sun blazed in the clear sky, scorching pedestrians in Liberty City who dared leave their homes."

 

...or something along the lines of that. With practice, you'll learn, but just remember:

 

The writer is simply a bridge between their story and the reader, not a tour guide. All you have to do is provide an interesting story with enough details for the reader to explore it themselves.

[discovery97]

Just a tip: people aren't going to read your stories if you don't format them. From one writer to another, never post a one-paragraph story, it's unappealing to the reader's eyes and they will likely not read it.

 

Seperate your writing into paragraphs, leaving spaces between each one to clean it up a bit. If you want to go even further, use code to pretty up your post with different colors and text sizes. Remember, the more attractive your post is, the more people will be attracted to reading it.

 

Now, on to the important part. Making it all look nice brings in the reader, but it's the writing itself that should keep them in. I've noticed one major problem you have which most new writers tend to make: You tell exactly what's happening rather than describing it.

 

For example, your first sentence:

 

 

It was a hot day, too hot in fact most of the pedestrians living in Liberty City were home that day.

 

Rather than telling the reader it was a hot day, use diction to imply that, and let the reader imagine it for themselves. Here's what I would have said:

 

"The sun blazed in the clear sky, scorching pedestrians in Liberty City who dared leave their homes."

 

...or something along the lines of that. With practice, you'll learn, but just remember:

 

The writer is simply a bridge between their story and the reader, not a tour guide. All you have to do is provide an interesting story with enough details for the reader to explore it themselves.

Hope the changes are good enough to please you. just don't say it that harsh, I want to make writers interested but I never knew much about code. I would also like some more tips. TY

[TubbyJ]

Vercetti21 took the words right out of my mouth. Don't be so plain when you're describing something, use the most effective adjectives you can think of, but not too much please.

Edited December 19, 2007 by TubbyJ

[Vercetti21]

Just a tip: people aren't going to read your stories if you don't format them. From one writer to another, never post a one-paragraph story, it's unappealing to the reader's eyes and they will likely not read it.

 

Seperate your writing into paragraphs, leaving spaces between each one to clean it up a bit. If you want to go even further, use code to pretty up your post with different colors and text sizes. Remember, the more attractive your post is, the more people will be attracted to reading it.

 

Now, on to the important part. Making it all look nice brings in the reader, but it's the writing itself that should keep them in. I've noticed one major problem you have which most new writers tend to make: You tell exactly what's happening rather than describing it.

 

For example, your first sentence:

 

 

It was a hot day, too hot in fact most of the pedestrians living in Liberty City were home that day.

 

Rather than telling the reader it was a hot day, use diction to imply that, and let the reader imagine it for themselves. Here's what I would have said:

 

"The sun blazed in the clear sky, scorching pedestrians in Liberty City who dared leave their homes."

 

...or something along the lines of that. With practice, you'll learn, but just remember:

 

The writer is simply a bridge between their story and the reader, not a tour guide. All you have to do is provide an interesting story with enough details for the reader to explore it themselves.

Hope the changes are good enough to please you. just don't say it that harsh, I want to make writers interested but I never knew much about code. I would also like some more tips. TY

It wasn't meant to be harsh or to be taken to any offense, though I can get carried away with constructive criticism. And don't worry about the code thing, spend enough time on these forums and you'll get the hang of it.

[TheJonesy]

...but just remember:

 

The writer is simply a bridge between their story and the reader, not a tour guide. All you have to do is provide an interesting story with enough details for the reader to explore it themselves.

Hmm, interesting remark.

 

Onto my impression: it was...alright. The formality of the tone is a little odd. But that is the voice you are presenting. I do agree that it seems too "this is what happened--yadda-yadda-yadda."

 

A little more description and a little more tidied up format would really help out. I'm not slamming at your writing, but it seems too thin. Add some more interest, meat, to it. Ight?

 

You Can Do It!

[Vercetti21]

...but just remember:

 

The writer is simply a bridge between their story and the reader, not a tour guide. All you have to do is provide an interesting story with enough details for the reader to explore it themselves.

Hmm, interesting remark.

I thought so too, you can quote me on that.

[discovery97]

Well I'll change it. thanks guys. um I got to get off now.......

[saltinespike]

Something I do when viewing new stories is skim through it, searching out grammatical and spelling errors. I won't go into a breakdown of every sentence, as I'm sick AND I don't want you to take it the wrong way, but I see things like this when I'm skimming:

 

 

It was a scorching day too hot

Between "day" and "too" should be a semicolon or a period.

 

 

and muttered "at least I slept". He was cranky,

Dialog takes its place as an individual paragraph. Now, when the dialog is by the same person, they may be placed in the same paragraph, but they need their own.

 

 

they wlked to

Spelling.

 

---

 

As I read, I spotted many more errors. But like I said, I don't really want to do a sentence-by-sentence breakdown.

[TheJonesy]

...but just remember:

 

The writer is simply a bridge between their story and the reader, not a tour guide. All you have to do is provide an interesting story with enough details for the reader to explore it themselves.

Hmm, interesting remark.

I thought so too, you can quote me on that.

I'll sig-it, man!

 

@ Topic-starter/writer- you wanna see a horrible story, read my first one!

 

Basically, work on our tips bits at a time and lets go from there. We're here to help. I was in the exact same position as you and have gotten a litle better. So no worries, man. Just do what you do and we'll help ya out to make your skillz go to their potential.

[discovery97]

I was actually typing right but my computer likes to mess the text up like when I delete it screws up and types it backwards and then when you type it again it gets scrambled up.

[TheJonesy]

I was actually typing right but my computer likes to mess the text up like when I delete it screws up and types it backwards and then when you type it again it gets scrambled up.

Yeah, sh*t happens. Do what you can and we'll see from there...