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Canofceleri

*buzzkill warning*

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Canofceleri

I wanted you guys to give some advice or engage in some sort of theraputic discussion if you will.

 

I've been different I think lately. My wife noticed, and I have too. My dad died five months ago today actually. I'm not looking for pity... I've tried to not make a big deal about it and just handle it knowing that it's something we all have to go through... and I thought I was handling it. I hardly cried, rarely really thought about it... but now it seems like the shock has been waring off for awhile now, I think about it more, I even had a dream about my dad last night in which he acted very out of control with anger.

 

But even besides thinking about the issue... I seem to have changed. I seem more hostile, I used to be very laid back... but I feel like this pent up agression and always have brutal criticism of other people and curse a lot. I also have had this fascination with morbid sh*t lately... thinking about suicide (not that I'd do it) and death... I just spent some time on charonboat.com watching videos of Chechen terrorists beheading Russian soldiers brutally. Those videos really effected me tonight though, most of the time I watch similar things and it doesn't do much to me... but this sh*t was so heinous and terrifying and graphic... it made me feel a lot of things: anger, sadness, shock.

 

Sometimes I want to not exist anymore... I feel like such a goddamn idiot. "Wanna get stoned and watch some South Park?" It's like these distractions that we priveledged few have really irk me sometimes when I think about the big picture and all the bullsh*t of life.

 

And then I see on here... really my peers from around the globe... all of us pretty much are representative of the world youth. There are some bright souls around here that I see, that make sense and have depth and stand out. But a lot of us depress me, I can't even imagine what some of the thoughtless replies this inevitably will get will say. There are some really stupid people in the world. But then again, all of us have dumb in us. And we'll all grow older very soon and leave these forums and not think about them much probably, and do our separate sh*t and die.

 

I don't really know exactly what I'm trying to say... I guess it's a cry for help. I'm in distress. Human consciousness has its ups and downs I guess, it just doesn't seem to weigh out for most people... and then there's the end. It's like no matter what you do we're all headed the same way and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it (unless you have great faith in transhumanism).

 

I am struggling with myself right now. It's like there's no escape... I wait it out and do sh*t along the way and build a family and acquire things and then lose them whenever... or just do myself in and be in control of it and not have to suffer anymore. But the latter is just unthinkable, I'm too pussy and wouldn't put my mother or wife through that. I don't know, this isn't a suicide thread... I just really want to give up and press the restart button or something.

 

Thanks for reading and replying if you do... I don't hold it against you if not though, it's pretty long looking I imagine. confused.gif

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DemonKing

wow man seems like you've been going through a tough time. this was most definetly brought on by your death of your father. the death of a parent is most saddening and i feel for you. my only real advice is to stick with your wife. if she is really close to you she will stick with you and help you along. all of this morbid stuff you've been interested is a result of the loss of your father. do you feel like you are blaming yourself or others for his death?. this could be a reasonable explanation.

 

either way i feel for you man.

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TOGA62

I feel for you buddy.

 

Unfortunately there is no restart button. And that I feel is key to understanding what you should do. We do live our lives and for what, nothing if you want to look at it the scientific way. We live, we die, we are forgotten. That is how the world works and that is how it will always be.

 

Or is that true? Indeed life and death come hand in hand as our destiny determined from the moment we are given birth. But what fills that void is completely up to us. Must you be forgotten? Must you live depressed and with regret? No. But with so many individual minds, wants, beliefs, and feelings that fill this world, how is one person suppose to make any sense of it all?

 

The truth of the matter is that sense is not obvious. You cannot know what you really want, or need, but instead can only attempt to direct yourself to such a desired outcome. Don't question your life and what has come of it to this point; instead think of what you can make of it in the future. Death is inevitable, that cannot be questioned, but in the end, what is the one thing you don't want to be left with? Thinking back and having regret. I think regret is really one of man's strongest fears of death. Regretting not doing something, or doing something you promised for somebody. Regret makes you feel less full, and provokes a fear that is unable to be quenched because it's source comes from the passing of time that cannot be changed. And not having this control makes us fear even more.

 

But how can one live without regret? It is easier to avoid than people give credit. Let your actions mimic your mindset, and control yourself so that you live your life with as little regret as possible. This means try to surround yourself with good things, not things like more death or morid acts. Material goods, cheap thrills, friends, and even loved ones come and go. But the events and time you spend with any of these things are what make or break the inner meaning they have for you. It really is as simple as it sounds. Use your desire for happiness to find it. It is one of the few things that when actively sought for, cannot help but be achieved. I'm not talking about shoot for the stars with some over the top dream you think will make you happy, do the simple things that will bring you individual joys one day at a time. If it’s practicing a hobby, telling your wife you love her, or simply trying something new. Whatever it is, do it.

 

The pent up angry is merely an obstacle in the way. Finding a release for that is the most challenging. But find some way to do it. When gone, you will see life really is not all the bad. The simplest things hold beauty in them, and all it takes is your willingness to see it.

 

I've gone through a lot of crap in my life. From the betrayal of my closest loved ones, to dealing with the darkest side of death itself. Yet my way through these tragedies (and the many more I expect to deal with in my life) is through talking. I don't allow myself to build up my emotions to a point where it rules my thoughts. I talk to anyone and everyone willing to listen. And believe me, MANY people are willing to do so. You'll be surprised how nice man-kind can really be if you open your eyes to realize, and even more surprised to learn there are many more who have gone through the exact same thing you have. Work your inner demons out, figure out your true thoughts and feelings, and in doing so, you'll be able to be at peace with yourself and willing to take in advice easier.

 

The legendary band Led Zeppelin have a very popular song I'm sure you've heard a million times. But one portion of the lyrics from "Stairway to Heaven" ring through my head when I listen to it everyday. (yes I literally do).

 

 

Yes, there are two paths you can go by

But in the long run

Theres still time to change the road you’re on.

 

We have all heard this saying, be it from a song, or you're wise old grandparents. The funny thing is it is the truth! You're destiny (and with that, inner happiness) is simply what you make of it. You might not be able to change the final destination, but the "path" taken is completely up to you to decide.

Edited by TOGA62

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Picolini

I've had a friend die not too long ago, but immediate family. I've thought about how much it'd hurt if one of my parents died, and I know it'll be tough when they do.

 

The thing that I'm sure will help me most is my beliefs about the universe and how it works. I feel there's a harmony with everything, everything is interlinked. It's similar to the circle of life, if you will. You're still living in through out the universe but just in a different way. The saddest part still exists, that you won't be able to talk to them or see them anymore, but they aren't completely gone.

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makeshyft

I know where you're coming from when you say you'd like to "press the restart button". I get in awful funks sometimes, and feel like it would be great to be able to start fresh. Usually I'll fight the funk by drinking copious amounts of alcohol, but this only serves to strain relations with my girlfriend, as she doesn't approve of this technique.

 

I, too, am depressed by a lot of earth-dwellers. The future concerns me, especially as a report recently published declared almost half the population of this country unable to read or write at a sufficient level to survive in the average working world. I'd hazard a guess as to say that 90% of the people I know - my age or younger - cannot spell at a senior level.

 

I'm studying journalism as a mature-aged student, and half the kids don't know what the Watergate scandal was... let alone who Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein are. They seem completely disinterested in the history of an industry I care very much about, and sometimes it makes me want to simply throw my hands up in the air and give up.

 

Not kill myself, but just stop breathing; stop existing. I can't be bothered thinking about how much it frustrates me, so I'd rather not have to think. I keep thinking, though. And for the most part, I'm glad I do. If I had to choose between existence and eternal nothingness, existence is fine by me for now.

 

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. - Helen Keller

 

 

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Typhus

Unhappiness stems from grief, grief stems from fear, fear stems from attachment, attachment stems from life.

Consider the following.

 

The ultimate conclusion of all things is death.

 

Death is our gift. Life is so beautiful because every moment could be our last. Don't weep for those whose time has come. Weep for the living and those who fear the final road. Remove all you fear to lose. Human attachments, human vices are a distraction. A distraction few need when they are surrounded by such splendour and this Earth provides. You have nothing to fear. Our mortality makes us immortal. When the ultimate end of our actions is death what is there to bother us anymore? True liberation comes from taking the hand of the Reaper and accepting your fate.

 

Life's a piece of sh*t,

When you look at it.

Life's a laugh and death's a joke. It's true.

You'll see it's all a show.

Keep 'em laughing as you go.

Just remember that the last laugh is on you.

Edited by Typhus

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M. H. Hunter III

With regards to what toga said.

Being a man of Biology myself, i've learned that (just humans now), We as human-beings aren't anything special. We are just an expression of our current DNA, and that progressive generations show their expressions, over time the expressions change

but thats going a bit off topic.

 

Theres no easy way to ever go through a death, be that one of a friend or that of a family member.

And theres no simple way to just get over the coming to terms and accepting the death.

 

Me myself haven't ever gotten over the deaths that have happened to me over the years....sadly.

But then again my method here is to do the following;

1. Suppressing my thoughts on that person is never coming back

2. My fear of death and such.....which is natural to think about after losing someone

3. Addiction to various items which help suppress things.

 

Now i wouldn't recommend the last one, as that can easily become something all its own.

but i Imagen everyone does the first 2, but to what point is the varying part.

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Canofceleri

Thanks guys. You guys made a lot of sense, and a lot of it is common sense... it's just one of those things, sometimes you can't help the mood you're in no matter what you know is true.

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makeshyft
Thanks guys. You guys made a lot of sense, and a lot of it is common sense... it's just one of those things, sometimes you can't help the mood you're in no matter what you know is true.

Amen to that, man. Sometimes you fall deep into an aggressive, mean slump. Personally, I sometimes appreciate them as they make the gentle times feel so much better. Comparative bliss, I suppose.

 

If you ever feel the need to vent, hit me up via PM. If not, I wish you all the best, and don't take it out on the midget hookers.

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Typhus

Those who don't fear death don't die.

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Picolini
Those who don't fear death don't die.

orly.gif

 

How so? You just magically live for ever?

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Bauer

Aren't you the guy who attempted to raid a fashion site or something?

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WalkerBoh

I kinda see how you feel. Time heals much, Just hang in there. You can't change the things that happen around you or prevent them (most of the time). But if your environment is sh*tty work on yourself, adapt. You can't always change the world but you can change yourself. Your doing that right now by saying how you feel and asking for some advice, which is great. If someone wants help then theres always a chance. Just don't give up.

 

Ive had my share of things that have shaken my psyche. I just keep alot of mottos in my head when the going gets sh*tty.

 

One foot in yesterday and one foot in tommorrow leaves you pissin all over today.

 

Maybe a career change is needed. Or a move somewhere new. Or a vacation. Life is about living not dying. Death is the time when we should remember how someone lived and the times with them. Find a way to not think negatively I just tell my negatvies thoughts to f*ck off. Literally. I've attempted suicide, 5 clonzapam, 3 percocet and a lot of vodka. All it did was make me blackout and lose a sh*tty job at mcdonalds.

 

I dunno if Im tellin the right info but if you would like to talk more hit up my msn.Now I have to go to work and get stoned and stare at breasts and laugh at jokes, the simple joys of life for me.

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Typhus
Those who don't fear death don't die.

orly.gif

 

How so? You just magically live for ever?

Death can either be the end of everything you know or simply a new adventure to look forward to. It is only the end if we believe it to be so.

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Canofceleri
Aren't you the guy who attempted to raid a fashion site or something?

That's me. icon14.gif

 

And yeah, Typhus... I don't get the logic of your last two statements either. But understandably so, you believe in other worldly sh*t don't you.

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Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus

It's easy to feel an aversion to your surroundings during the holiday season. That's probably why it's the season to be jolly with the highest suicide rate. It's not the pinnacle of the year; it's just an excuse to consume mindlessly, and that's a little depressing if you think about it. Is the "most wonderful" time of the year really just another excuse to exchange money for goods? After all, neither money nor goods can make you happy, especially if you're an adult. Happiness is a state of mind, not a TV or a tie. I'm thinking you want to do something altruistic, so you can start seeing yourself in a more positive light. Surround yourself with unselfish gratitude, and soon you'll start feeling it yourself.

 

Scratch the preceding if you don't partake in gift-giving traditions.

 

Remember that things always seem more important than they are when they're actually happening. Soon you'll look back on this, and it will almost be like it didn't happen. In retrospect, everything's a joke.

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G MONEY $$$

It's tough when you lose a loved one and I think the death of your dad might finally be sinking in now. My advice would be to stop watching f*cked up videos on the internet, stop doing any drugs (including smoking weed and drinking) and take some time to figure things out. Rethink the way you want to approach life, be positive. You only live once, make the best of it. That's my two cents.

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Digital Murders

There's nothing that I can really say that hasn't been said already, especially with Toga's post, I'm just merely posting in here to pay my respects, so to speak. I'm sorry to hear about your father man, I can't relate to that kind of loss so I can't even imagine what you're going through.

 

But as everyone has said already, you come and go; it's what you do between birth and death that will really matter. Don't let the majority of the topics, posts, or members distress you. It's a forum, I can't deny that there aren't stupid users out there, but I'm sure most people will barely give any thought as to what their posting. They just think "it won't matter" since it's just the internet and they're virtually posting things anonymously. That is unless they become well liked and integrated into the community I suppose.

 

I’m not much into religion, only because some of the things I find in most of them seem a bit condescending, which is beside the point, but if you are religious I’m sure there are all sorts of stuff you can read or get into. Death is a pretty f*cked up thing to think about, I mean, its death. It’s the one thing that you can count on being absolutely final. There’s no escaping it, so as they say, live life to the fullest.

 

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Deuce Deuce

One of my relatives recently lost a friend and I think is in the same sort of boat as you. From what you've described, it all seems quite similar. The effects have only gone in and thus the changes are starting to show, not to mention not wanting to eat.

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Picolini
Those who don't fear death don't die.

orly.gif

 

How so? You just magically live for ever?

Death can either be the end of everything you know or simply a new adventure to look forward to. It is only the end if we believe it to be so.

So if there is some type of afterlife or not is all dependant on each individuals belief? Don't get it... there's either something or nothing. Those are really the only two options, it can't change from person to person.

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HolyGrenadeFrenzy

Man, I am having some pretty big problems myself and I get where you are at.

 

The band Yes might assist as well.....particularly It Can Happen and maybe a new way of looking at the song Changes but just in case and because I love you I am willing to do something just twisted enough to make you smile at my expence Candarelli and if you want I will do it by playing you my Theme Song. smile.gif

 

It's up to you though.

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Canofceleri

Your theme song? Go for it.

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HolyGrenadeFrenzy

 

Your theme song? Go for it.

Ok, several years ago I took up using some other tools to cross kata train with and my best bro said because one of my most deadly ones is the tool/weapon in the next song that I should take the song as MY THEME SONG and to hell with the consequences.

 

So this one is for you Candarelli

 

HolyGrenadeFrenzy's Theme Song. I Am Down Right Amazed....by Atom a& His Package.

 

 

 

For the love of the Framing Hammer and you Candarelli......I hope you find the lulz. biggrin.gifbiggrin.gif

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dxk
Your theme song? Go for it.

Ok, several years ago I took up using some other tools to cross kata train with and my best bro said because one of my most deadly ones is the tool/weapon in the next song that I should take the song as MY THEME SONG and to hell with the consequences.

 

So this one is for you Candarelli

 

HolyGrenadeFrenzy's Theme Song. I Am Down Right Amazed....by Atom a& His Package.

 

 

 

For the love of the Framing Hammer and you Candarelli......I hope you find the lulz. biggrin.gifbiggrin.gif

that guy looks like zero

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HolyGrenadeFrenzy

I'm just attempting to cheer our guy up.

 

I will be back tomarrow after I see what goes on with my own dramatic BS....which I hope blows over.

 

I know exactly the mood Candarelli is trying to shake. I sometimes comes with grief and often with death.......Major change of anykind.

 

Shake the poison....and renew yourself.

 

---------------------------

EDIT: Everything seems better and it is nice that I didn't have to kill anyone.

Edited by HolyGrenadeFrenzy

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