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Edited by Lance_Ryder
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Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus

Nice! Is this the first Exploder fan-fiction there's been?

 

I wouldn't feel comfortable criticizing it, as I have never displayed my writing here. Interesting, though. icon14.gif

BRUTUS WUZ HERE. LOLZ.

(Heroic reference. Not related to GTAF member by same name, g'dammit.)

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I can't say I liked it, at all, really. I'm not trying to be a jerk, but you really destroyed the whole scene. I'll correct it a bit for you.

 

 

A whistle was heard blown three times from outside a small hut, inside the soldiers jumped out of their bunks and into their army fesiques and helmets,

It's actually ok for now, except for that "fesiques" word you either made up or spelled way wrong.

 

 

they marched out and lined up between two rows of huts, they formed two lines in front of the other,

They did this, they did that. Mix your pronouns up or, better yet, get rid of one of them and revise the sentence.

 

 

facing the opposite line in the middle of the jungle in Vietcong.

"In the desert in Saudi Arabia." Pick jungle or Vietcong and stick with it. Not both.

 

 

The soldiers wore old rusty steel helmets on their heads,

Two adjectives would be quite enough. Please do not bunch them all in one place.

 

 

they stood up straight and waited for the general to give the commands.

Ugh, here's where it starts to get annoying. First, "the general" should be "the General". Second, there should be no general at all! This is quite obviously a camp, therefore a general would not be the commanding officer. I won't address the issue again, though it annoys me throughout the story.

 

 

A big African-American man

A large black man. African-American is cheesy, and shouldn't be considered in a story, especially one about a war. Black doesn't offend anyone here, to my knowledge.

 

 

walked up and down, between the rows of soldiers, "PRIVATE HOWITZER!" the general shouted.

War is not boot camp. Commanding officers would not have their soldiers line up to be yelled at. Lining up is yes, but they speak as human beings.

 

 

"Jack Howitzer reporting for duty, sir!"

No. "Sir, yes, sir!"

 

 

yelled a seven foot soldier

Wow, this extreme exaggeration adds to the disappointment. I'd say less than 5% of the world's population is over 7 feet. And why would the giant be picked out of the soldiers? Because he's tall? Ridiculous.

 

 

with curly red hair sticking out from behind his helmet,

This description is too drug out. Keep it at "curly red hair".

 

 

as he ran up to the general and torwered over him.

He's yelling as he's running? Anyways, the commanding officer would walk up to the soldier, not the other way around. Towering over the man is stupid, too. You didn't make your soldier larger, you made your commanding officer smaller, which is not good.

 

 

Before the General could speak, the troops, Howitzer, and the General

"Before the commanding officer could speak, he and his troops..." Howitzer is a trooper, correct? Why is he pointed out as independent?

 

 

all looked up into the sky to the sound of fuel being burned off,

I'm not sure why fuel would be burning in the sky, or why you would hear it in the sky. Bad metaphor.

 

 

three Hydra's came speeding through the sky, shooting missiles into the American camp.

This is what really got me. My first thought was: "WHOA! Futuristic fictional jets in the Vietnam War!" You have entirely stepped away from reality and into uneducated. As we know, modern military jets, such as the fictional Hydra did not come about until some years after Vietnam.

 

AND!!! Three planes would not harmonize for such a small skirmish.

 

 

"INCOMMING!" The general shouted to all his troops, everyone ran for cover behind the huts and ducked.

Modern planes or not, the men would not have time to organize themselves behind petty huts. For laughs sake, let's say they could. The bullets (and/or missiles, as you so gracefully put it), would tear straight through these huts. Oh, and I forgot to mention earlier, the division would not be living in huts, but in quickly built military bunkers.

 

 

The missiles dug deep into the ground and exploded, forming a big fire ball, sending shrapnel, body parts, and wood from the huts in all directions.

The "missiles" would not dig into the ground, but rather explode on impact. Not only that, but it would probably kill every soldier outdoors, if they were in a bunker. If they were living in huts, all would be dead.

 

 

Remaining soldiers ran in all different directions screaming as more bombs came out of no where from the smoke filled sky.

This was your best sentence, supposing soldiers did live (which is very unreasonable).

 

 

The smoke blackened everyones view, making it look as if it was night time.

I've never had a rusty lung night. They're engulfed in smoke, remember.

 

 

Jack crawled out from a pile of wooden boards from a blown up hut, he was covered in mud and had small wounds to his face.

Not much bad about this one, other than the fact it should be two sentences.

 

 

"Fight you cowards!" Jack yelled to his fellow troops.

Getting ridiculous again. Supposing Jack is in the right frame of mind to say this (very unrealistic), I would want to shoot the man in the head. What exactly were they doing? Playing Rock, Paper, Scissors?

 

 

Jack pulled his gun in front of him from the gunstrap on his back and fired into the the smoke filled sky.

Ahhh, Jack is legally retarded, huh? I've figured out the twist! That would explain his comment earlier and his actions now. He fires into the sky? What a way to waste bullets.

 

 

"COME ON MOTHER f*ckERS!" Jack cursed in rage.

Cheesy and unrealistic. A real soldier would not be talking at all. He's killing himself by doing this. Inhaling all the smoke that could be saved for limited breathing.

 

 

The bombings continued, more soldiers died, bodies were burning up in the sharpnel as the base was dieing.

Other than wasted potential and spelling errors, this sentence is ok.

 

-----------

 

I'll finish later. Gotta go for now.

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The Unvirginiser

Wow! I was thinking of writing something like this ages ago! However mine was going to be like a comedy.. I think that I have a post on writer's ideas about it

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