Hatchet Man

[saltinespike]

Alright, finally. Thank you for the criticism. As you read the next part, would you mind also incorporating how you think I could do better? There were a few parts where you did, but I'm still lost on how I could really juice up the description. As you read on, you'll notice that I am much stronger in my dialogue than I am in description, and I'm not really sure how to improve on that.

[Eminence]

To begin with, I found the character name Mark Hammond amusing; same name appears as the protagonist in the game The Getaway, if my memory serves me correctly.

 

One thing irked me with the dialogue of the godfather in Chapter 1, Part 2. Nothing wrong with it, per se; it may be how you want him to be characterised - it's just he seemed rather unstable considering he's the head of the family. One would assume someone in that position wouldn't roar "f*ck!!" in a paranoid, anxious manner every five seconds; you'd figure they'd be more in control than that. Still, possible intentional characterisation, so no worries. One thing that annoyed me more than this, however, was the incorporation of triplets of exclamation marks. It gives it a comic-style effect; something not being taken fully seriously. One would suffice.

 

Also - and I believe we must have been over this before at some point - the punctuation between your dialogue and the attribution is off again. You're using periods and subsequent capital letters when you should be using commas with lower case letters following; for example:

 

 

“Vincent Moretti, sir.” Beyer drops the papers and adjusts his position within his chair.

 

Should be:

 

“Vincent Moretti, sir,” Beyer drops the papers and adjusts his position within his chair.

 

 

“Acquire a search warrant for the residence of Louis Jackson… for conspiracy to commit murder.” He hands Mark the folder he came in with, dismissing him to leave afterward.

 

Should be:

 

“Acquire a search warrant for the residence of Louis Jackson… for conspiracy to commit murder,” he hands Mark the folder he came in with, dismissing him to leave afterward.

 

Only a small thing, really, but watch out for it as I've said.

 

Now, with regards to description. I think it's one of the hardest things to try to explain, or teach, is how to improve upon this aspect of writing. Once you're at the basic level, it's just a case of incorporating more engaging adjectives and other literary devices to make the piece more vivid and interesting for the reader. A quick example, perhaps:

 

 

He looks around the room he’s in. The extensive capacity is painted white on all its sides, its only features are rows of steel tables and a drawn out lunch line; its seats are sold out by inmates who wear the same uniform as him. The inmates look violent and viperous.

 

 

His eyes scanning the room, he takes in the ambience of the location. Its walls are a blinding white, wrapping round the extensive capacity. Rows of tables fill the room, the cold steel digging into the floor harshly, while a drawn out lunch line weaves round the furniture, trapped in the asylum of metal and white; a cruel reality. Violent and viperous inmates fill the seats, all wearing that same uniform; identity lost amongst the crush of orange jumpsuits, blaring out noisily amid the lifeless qualities of the room.

 

To me, mine sounds extremely forced, but you get the picture. It's just a matter of incorporating a touch more detail - a few more adjectives, maybe some different devices; variation. It's hard to explain.

 

Looking good, though, I'll get to the next chapter soon and see if I can think of any better thoughts.

[saltinespike]

Once again, thanks for reading. The characterization of Vincent is meant to be just that: a paranoid, unfit leader. The Godfather of the Morettis has just passed and abruptly handed the throne to Vincent.

 

As for the punctuation, you'll see that continue in following chapters. It's one of the custom things I do that may be improper, but would be splitting ends to be truly annoyed by it, because the logic behind it makes sense, but I don't feel like getting into that whole debate.

 

Description has come exstensively difficult to me. Not much to say about it other than I'll do my best to improve.

[Eminence]

Ah, then that's fair enough and in this case good characterisation - I could have possibly delayed my scepticism over the matter until I'd read further, I guess.

 

Regarding punctuation, fair enough, I'll just skip over it. Although, there is no debate and the logic behind it doesn't make sense; it is incorrect and, as you put it, improper. So any debate is null and void from the outset.

 

I understand what you're saying regarding description, and I hope you do work to improve it. It's not something that can really be measured - it's just a sense of incorporating what fits descriptively to suit the style of the scene.

[saltinespike]

A potential revival?

 

 

“I need a location,” George Beyer barks. “Where’s he at now?”

 

“Sir,” the man on the computer responds, “he’s headed south on 7th Street; looks like he’s heading downtown.”

 

“And Moretti?”

 

“Moretti’s heading East on Hawkins Avenue.”

 

“Toward the same place,” Hammond mutters, “looks like they’re settling this in public view.”

 

Beyer grabs his radio and begins shouting orders. “Mobilize SWAT units and all available squad cars; we’re headed downtown, to The Loop. Approach with caution, suspects are considered armed and dangerous.” He looks to Hammond. “Not if I can help it.”

[Oxidizer]

Been a long time. I'm glad you've refound your Hatchet muses.