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protein

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The story i have in mind is about Niko Bellic, a Russian immigrant, and his rise through ranks of the underworld. It's fictional except the parts that are not. I'll try to keep it short.

 

Chapter 1: Moskow

 

A nondescript car pulls up in front of a Trojka Caffe. Keeping the engine running the driver waits in the car and only the passenger gets out. It's a chilly afternoon, a chill breeze is blowing down the street carrying trash with it. Trojka Caffe is a know place where businessmen meet to discuss their arrangements. This is a place you can't get into unless you're somehow involved in shady business. Slowly the man walks around the car and enters the Caffe. He's in his late twenties, athletic. Giving the waitress a quick look he makes his way in the VIP room. Cigarette smoke is filling the dimly lit room. Two pool tables stand in the middle of the room but today nobody is interested to play. As soon as the man makes his way in the middle of the room, everyone fells quiet and looks at him. He is around 6 ft. tall his brown hair cut short, but today he's got a black eye, a broken nose and multiple other injuries. Ignoring it all he begins to speak.

"What the hell happened? How the f*ck is responsible? My father is dead!"

Again the room is quiet. Nobody wants to be the messenger of bad new. Finally an old man sitting in the back speaks up.

"Niko. Come here." when Niko approaches the old man knows he must choose his words carefully.

"Tell me who murdered my father. I'll kill them all."

"Niko, sit down kid. I know you since you were a little boy. Your father and I grew up together, we were like brothers."

"Who did this?"

"Argh, it's not as simple as that my boy. People who did this are untouchable. They can touch you but you can't touch them."

"Never tell me what I can and can't do, you got that?!" Niko was pissed now.

"I'm sorry. But...as far as we know the military was behind you fathers car bombing."

 

_____________

 

What do you think?

 

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Very good. And I definitely mean that. From start to finish it had me on the edge of my seat, dude. Keep up the fantastic lit. I really think you have a flare for this sort of thing. And now with this under your belt, you should really start thinking about your next project. Maybe a GTA fan fic or something? For reals, you got skill dude. I can't wait to see what's next from you. Your style sets you apart on these forums, you should really look more into writing as a career or something, dude.

 

I really loved that. Damn. Dude... please, write more! I used to like watching The Sopranos for its sharp enthralling narrative, but that sh*t pales in comparison with your "Movie it up ladies". sh*t, you've made my day way better now. Got any more? Definitely keep it up dude. I am so serious. You should be, like, a writer or something. f*ck.

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It's fictional except the parts that are not.

I lol'd at that part.

 

But really, it's actually pretty good. I wasn't expecting much from a guy who registered yesterday, but I underestimated you. Good writing, keep it up. icon14.gif

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I wasn't expecting much from a guy who registered yesterday, but I underestimated you.

Like that means anything about his writing ability.

 

Anyway this is good. Keep it up.

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I wasn't expecting much from a guy who registered yesterday, but I underestimated you.

Like that means anything about his writing ability.

 

Anyway this is good. Keep it up.

Well, it's a stereotype we all tend to make. Especially on these forums, you see a lot of immature people registering because they want to ask a question about GTAIV that's already been answered, or post a "new screenshots" thread, only to find out that they are a year old. I wouldn't be surprised if someone like that registered jsut to write a fanfic after they saw trailer 3.

 

Anyway, you expect a lot of new people to actually be noobs. I'm saying that this guy proved me wrong. He is a good writer.

 

EDIT: I know this is a bit off topic, but what do you have against me anyways? It seems like ever since the old FTS 2 days, you've been hostile towards me or something. I don't really know what I did...

Edited by Vercetti21
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I wasn't expecting much from a guy who registered yesterday, but I underestimated you.

Like that means anything about his writing ability.

 

Anyway this is good. Keep it up.

Well, it's a stereotype we all tend to make. Especially on these forums, you see a lot of immature people registering because they want to ask a question about GTAIV that's already been answered, or post a "new screenshots" thread, only to find out that they are a year old. I wouldn't be surprised if someone like that registered jsut to write a fanfic after they saw trailer 3.

 

Anyway, you expect a lot of new people to actually be noobs. I'm saying that this guy proved me wrong. He is a good writer.

 

EDIT: I know this is a bit off topic, but what do you have against me anyways? It seems like ever since the old FTS 2 days, you've been hostile towards me or something. I don't really know what I did...

I don’t have anything against you. I don’t know why you would think that.

 

Anyway this is off topic. We should take this to PM, if you want to.

Edited by Ryunday
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well thanks guys. i must say i'm surprised by your comments. it was a quick write, i thought if i should post it or not and obviously i'm glad i did. so, i'll try to keep up to your expectations. i hope i can give you a chapter every day. lemme' get started =)

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Chapter 2: Moscow

 

"What do you mean the military is behind the bombing?!" Niko was walking up and down the VIP room of Trojka Caffe.

"One of our people spotted a man leaving the premises and followed him to a military headquarters not far from here. We believe that Colonel had something to with it."

"Colonel? f*ck!" throws a bottle of beer in the wall.

"Calm down kid. We can get in touch with our people abroad. Get them to send someone over..."

"To do what???? Kill Colonel Ilich??"

"He's got a family..." but the older man whose name was Sergei was cut short.

"I'll go over there and I'll settle this fair and square. I know the son of a bitch, and I can get to him." walks to the door.

Sergei signaled for one of the bodyguards to block Nikos way.

"Get the f*ck out of my way."

"Hey Niko, come here have a drink and chill out. You're not being rational."

Without a word Niko walked to the pool tables and picked up a ball. In an instant he threw it directly in the bodyguard hitting him strait in the forehead. The big 6'5'' bodyguard collapsed his eyes rolling. The other bodyguard was standing closer to Niko and tried to grab him. Anticipating this Niko caught one of his hand, twisting it. Quickly he kicked the man in his kneecap, breaking the mans knee. In the corner of his eye he caught a glimpse of a weapon being drawn. Letting go of the man he pivoted on his left just in

time to doge a bullet. A massive explosion of a Colt .357 right next to his ear left him paralyzed for a few seconds. And that was all the shooter needed to press the tip of the gun to the back of Nikos head.

 

_________

Hope it'll live up to expectations.

Edited by protein
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and then everything was silent. i guess i had my 5minutes of fame. com'on guys. give me some feedback. was it good, bad, in between, what??? just write something!!!

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and then everything was silent. i guess i had my 5minutes of fame. com'on guys. give me some feedback. was it good, bad, in between, what??? just write something!!!

Give people a chance to reply. Writer's Discussion isn't the most active part of these forums, so you can't expect a reply straight away or sometimes ever (to use my own story as an example, it went something like two weeks without any comments).

 

I skimmed through it, by the way, and it looks good. I'll read it properly when i get the time.

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Well i hope someone is reading this thread. I'll write another chapter, and hope for some responses and we'll see from there.

__________________

 

 

Chapter 3: Movements, Vice City

 

Only a small lamp on the desk was lit. The light barely covered the whole desk. A crystal ashtray was placed under the lamp and a Cuban cigar was in it. Next to the ashtray was a crystal glass filled with the finest scotch. A hand reached for the cigar. When it came under the light a golden ring and a bracelet became visible. Slowly the fingers got hold of the cigar and lifted it in the dark. The only other light in the room was the moonlight that came through the window behind the desk. It revealed a leather armchair and a figure sitting in it. Everything else was dark. There was a soft knock on the door.

"Yes"

The door slowly opened and a tall man entered. He was dressed in an elegant black suit, with pink lines and a pink shirt.

"Sir, your limo is waiting."

"Has everything been taken care of?"

"Yes, sir. Your mansion in Mullholand has been filled with supplies, so was your yacht. And your executive jet is standing by at the airport."

"Good. Has the meeting been set?"

"Yes sir. They confirmed it for 11 p.m. tomorrow night."

"What about that package?"

"It's being delivered as we speak. Our people called for final instructions half hour ago."

"Very well then. Let's go." and with those words he put out the cigar and emptied the half empty glass of scotch. Two men made their way down stairs and through the front door of the mansion. Outside a white limo was waiting to take them to the airport. One of the bodyguards was standing next to the limo and opened the door for the VIP passengers.

 

20 minutes later the limo drove down the tarmac and stopped in front of an executive jet. When both men were comfortably seated in the small jet, a hot stewardess approached them.

"Can I get you anything Mr.Vercetti?"

 

______________________________________

 

So if no one is interested in this story, i'll just stop writing i guess.

 

 

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and then everything was silent. i guess i had my 5minutes of fame. com'on guys. give me some feedback. was it good, bad, in between, what??? just write something!!!

Give people a chance to reply. Writer's Discussion isn't the most active part of these forums, so you can't expect a reply straight away or sometimes ever (to use my own story as an example, it went something like two weeks without any comments).

 

I skimmed through it, by the way, and it looks good. I'll read it properly when i get the time.

well those people who do read this topic could at least say something. otherwise writers get the filing they write for themselves. ok, i'll wait a few days to add a new chapter so i can get some replies.

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Definitely do not stop writing! You use some good description and words in there, if you keep writing and gain more experience you'll be very good. No joke.

 

Like Chickstick said, this place is quiet most of the time, and you can't really expect replies as soon as, y'know? Besides, I think you should write solely for yourself anyway, that way feedback is more appreciated when you get it.

 

Having said that, I've only skimmed through it too, but that's only because I find it hard getting into fanfic these days. But what I did read was great. colgate.gif

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well those people who do read this topic could at least say something. otherwise writers get the filing they write for themselves. ok, i'll wait a few days to add a new chapter so i can get some replies.

Writers should be writing for themselves. If you don't get enjoyment out of writing something, regardless of whether or not it is read, then stop writing. Now.

 

I thought Candarelli was being serious at first; I read his reply before the story, and thus expected to be about to read some kind of masterpiece. However, what nobody seems to have pointed out thus far is that Cand's post is littered with subtle sarcasm - can you not tell?

 

This story is poor. It's dialogue heavy, and features a huge lack of description - everything is extremely simplistic and no imagery is used to tell the story. It's all very cliche; the characters say what I expect them to say, it's nothing new.

 

And that, my friend, is your first honest opinion. Next chapter please.

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I thought Candarelli was being serious at first; I read his reply before the story, and thus expected to be about to read some kind of masterpiece. However, what nobody seems to have pointed out thus far is that Cand's post is littered with subtle sarcasm - can you not tell?

Subtle sarcasm? tounge.gif

 

Surely that's a touch of subtle sarcasm from you too.

 

I enjoyed reading Cand's comment and seeing no response to it; like a little time bomb waiting to be discovered. I was waiting for the realisation and the reaction: "HEY WAIT A GODDAMNED MINUTE!"

vbSWr1A.gif


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Hey, don't be scared by Eminence's post. He's just trying to help. Deep down he's a really... something guy.

 

Anyways, I skimmed over it as well, and all I can say is don't stop it: it's better than my first two pieces.

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I thought Candarelli was being serious at first; I read his reply before the story, and thus expected to be about to read some kind of masterpiece. However, what nobody seems to have pointed out thus far is that Cand's post is littered with subtle sarcasm - can you not tell?

Subtle sarcasm? tounge.gif

 

Surely that's a touch of subtle sarcasm from you too.

 

I enjoyed reading Cand's comment and seeing no response to it; like a little time bomb waiting to be discovered. I was waiting for the realisation and the reaction: "HEY WAIT A GODDAMNED MINUTE!"

Cookie for you.

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well those people who do read this topic could at least say something. otherwise writers get the filing they write for themselves. ok, i'll wait a few days to add a new chapter so i can get some replies.

Writers should be writing for themselves. If you don't get enjoyment out of writing something, regardless of whether or not it is read, then stop writing. Now.

 

I thought Candarelli was being serious at first; I read his reply before the story, and thus expected to be about to read some kind of masterpiece. However, what nobody seems to have pointed out thus far is that Cand's post is littered with subtle sarcasm - can you not tell?

 

This story is poor. It's dialogue heavy, and features a huge lack of description - everything is extremely simplistic and no imagery is used to tell the story. It's all very cliche; the characters say what I expect them to say, it's nothing new.

 

And that, my friend, is your first honest opinion. Next chapter please.

my friend, sorry for trying. i said in the first few lines i'll keep it short. and as for the lack of description goes, is there a good balance between descriptions, dialog and storytelling? because if you describe and describe and so on, you have very little room for dialogs and storytelling. if you read chapter 3 the first 5-6 lines are pure description. and use your imagination.

 

oh, yeah btw. thanks for all the sarcasm. i noticed that some comments are sarcastic, but regardless of that some of us here are actually trying to improve our writing skills and English.

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Don't listen to them, protein. You're Pulitzer material. James Joyce wasn't this innovative... and Dostoevsky? Bah, I say! You're the real deal, my friend. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Prodigous talent can pop up anywhere, even on a GTA forum.

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Friend, it's quality over quantity. There isn't a good balance, because far too much of your story is driven by dialogue; it's unnecessary and is a cheap way out of adding in some real content. Sure, you may have sections of description, but it's all so simplistic that it makes it hardly worth reading.

 

Use your imagination? Haha... yes, the reader is supposed to do so, to an extent. They aren't supposed to make the description up themselves, though.

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so what, you're saying i should use better words let out some dialogs and describe more? i think i can do that.

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Chapter 4: The Escape part 1, Trojka Caffe, Moscow

 

Aleksandr was 31, had a military history few knew about, and an enraged ex-wife. When his old unit was discharged and his wife left him Niko gave him the opportunity to work for Mr. Vladimir Bellic. Following this path he found himself sitting in a car listening to music while his employer actually did something interesting. Today was no different. Once again he heard the all to familiar "Keep the engine running. It won't take long.". "Screw it." he thought to himself. Bending over the passenger seat he opened the glove box. There it was. His favorite weapon. A Makarov 9mm pistol. He holster it in the back of his pants, turning the ignition key he left the car and entered the Caffe. The bar was to his right next to the door. It was kinda long, made of dark wood and a marble top. A few high chairs at the bar were taken. Men who occupied the seats were Caffes "security". Tall, athletic, dressed in dark suits and black raincoats they were drinking coffee and minding their own business all day long. From where he was seated he had a clear visual of the door leading in the back room. They were positioned at the end of the bar. The whole place consisted mainly of the VIP room in the back. Flirting with the hot blond waitress he ordered vodka on rocks. While he calmly sipped it his eyes carefully observed men sited next to him. There was four of them and each one had a bulk on the coat indicating they were all packing guns or submachine guns. Should anything go wrong they'd be tough to put down. Thinking of this he heard something hit the door of the back room and slid to the ground. It seemed as if someone fell right next to the door. Alarm went on in Aleksandrs head. Something wasn't right. Usually only one or perhaps two men would be guarding this place. Tonight there were four. Taking the glass of vodka he rose casually from the chair and approached the door. But his progress was interrupted by one of the men.

"Can't let you in buddy. Get out of here before I throw you..." but he never got to finish the sentence. Someone in the back room fired. The bullet went through the wooden door and settled in the mens chest. Blood sprayed everywhere blinding Alex for a split second. When he could focus his vision again the remaining guards pulled out their weapons. They were all packing MAC10s. Taking cover behind the counter Alex drew his Makarov. Without wasting any time he poped out of the cover and fired twice. He fired the first shot too quickly and was nearly a miss but it did hit one man in the hand. His weapon fell to the ground. The other shot was more accurate and hit the first man in right next to his hart. Remaining two men dove for cover behind the counter. Alex fired once more and then quickly smashed through the door in the back room.

 

___________________

 

Here you go. Hope all the description satisfies you.

Edited by protein
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Chapter 4: The Escape part 2, Trojka Caffe

 

Niko found himself in a very tricky situation. The man behind him was about to put a bullet in the back of his head, and even if he somehow missed there was a handful of other armed gangsters in the room. Thoughts were rushing through Nikos head with lightning speed, considering every single one of his options. And frankly there were not many options to consider. The odds of getting out of this mess alive were not in his favor. Only to his advantage a fierce gun battle broke out in the next room distracting the shooter. A nice opportunity presented itself and Niko intended to take everything out of it. Now every fracture of a second was crucial. Just like he was trained to do, Niko pulled his head to the side, safely out of the line of fire. His right hand instantly reached behind to get hold of the weapon. His fingers clenched around the long barrel of the gun. Niko pushed the barrel upwards and pivoted facing his attacker. "sh*t! It's Mikhail" he thought to himself. Mikhail was Nikos cousin. He was Romans older brother. Niko and Roman were like brothers themselves. They were closer than Roman and Mikhail ever were. Nevertheless Mikhail was a very formidable adversary, and would not let go of the gun until Niko delivered a sickening blow in his Adams apple. He fell to the ground gasping for air, his eyes already hazel. Niko now had his gun and was about to shoot him so he would not have to suffocate and suffer in the process but someone smashed through the door. And than all hell broke loose. Niko jumped over a pool table for cover just as several men fired their MAC10s in his direction. Someone was taking cover behind the old wooden mini bar a few feet from the door. Whoever he was, he was not hostile and fired at the men by the door hitting the closest one in the throat. Niko quickly pointed the gun towards the second man who was firing blindly all around. He dropped the man with a single shot to the head. Several shots hit the pool table he was hiding behind and pieces of wood came flying by his head. Firing back Niko jumped out of cover and ran to the door, the other man providing cover fire. By now Niko realized it has to be Alex, his driver. He reached the door and took cover behind the door frame. By now he was out of ammo but luckily one men dropped a MAC10 right withing his grasp. Niko provided cover fire for Alex, but doing so a bullet hit him in the leg. But Alex just reached the door and pulled him back in cover. Niko put one hand over Aleksandrs shoulder with the other he emptied the clip at their attackers as they were approaching the door. He heard screams behind them indicating he hit someone. They reached the car seconds later and Alex pushed him in the back seat than speed away.

 

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I'd be happy if i got some replies but here you go, the next chapter is finished.

 

Chapter 5:

 

6 months later, E-C@fee, Liberty City

 

The gray cement sidewalk was fully covered in rubbish, old newspapers and trash. This particular neighborhood was known to be the roughest, deadliest and most of all filthy.

 

Streets were deserted since nobody was stupid enough to be caught dead alone wandering around at this time of the night. Niko opened a rusty door, covered with old posters showing naked women and walked out of an internet cafe.

 

This cafe was legit for the most part but it was run by a prostitution ring as a front and drop off point. It also brought in people who wanted to copy illegal porn from the web which was perfect for someone like Niko who wanted to cover his tracks as best as he could.

 

But the reason he was here was far more serious and deadly than watching some illegal teen porn. Niko was laying the ground work for an assassination. He had just applied for a job interview at his unsuspecting victims law firm.

 

Normally Niko did not perform this kind of service but in this case he was left with no choice. Some piece of crap dirty cop was blackmailing him and if Niko did not kill some fancy lawyer he threatened to blow the whistle on Nikos past.

 

Dressed in black track pants, brown hoody and brown jacket Niko walked down the road and disappeared into the dark night. Ten minutes later Niko met Little J in the back alley next to an old storage. It was abandoned now and in a desperate need of renovation since it was about to come down. Jackob found it a while ago and was using it as a meeting place for his sales ever since. Should anything go wrong it provided him with a perfect escape route.

 

 

"Whas up buddy?" Little Jackob was a Jamaican who illegally immigrated in US 5 years ago.

 

"sh*t. You got what I asked for?" Niko was speaking with a heavy accent

 

"Yeah I got it man. Chill the f*ck down. It ain't goin nowhere." Little J was leaning on the side of his car and smoke a joint. He was 6'3" tall but had a lean figure, his dark hair cut short. He wore dark jeans and a hoody with red-white pin-strips.

 

"Oh yeah. They all clean shots, like I asked? Let's just get this over with."

 

"Whoa whoa, somebody is in a sh*tty mood. But you're in luck my man. I know a perfect cure. A perfect cure. And it's so of the grid it's gonna blow your f*cking brains out. Why don't you and I got downtown, get some bitches and have a little fun" lifts the remains of his joint in the air "I got some good sh*t, if you know wha I mean, eh?

 

Niko pulls the bud of the joint from Little J and throws it on the ground.

 

"You should really stop smoking this. It messes with you head. Now move your lazy ass and give me my guns."

 

"What the f*ck. Here you go. Jeez. The hell's a matter with you today. Chill man, chill..." but Niko only put a some one-hundred bills in one of J's pockets and walked away with a steady pace. Seconds later he disappeared around the corner.

Edited by protein
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here's another chapter:

 

Chapter 6: About 48 hours later

 

 

"Liberty City is in shock after todays horrible murder that took place in a downtown district of Alderny. The victim is said to be a 52 year old lawyer from Goldberg Law firm. Posing as a candidate for a job interview the assassin gained entry to the premises and during the interview brutally executed his victim. A careful examination of the body showed that the deceased was shot from behind. The fact that no gunshots were heard by the secretary indicates that a silenced weapon was used in the killing. Mr. Alan Goldberg is believed to be a victim of recently started gang violence that is shaking this town to it's core. Only last month Mr. Goldberg spoke before the Senate on the subject of newly proposed bill to fight organized crime. His appearance eventually persuaded both sides into passing the bill. This made him a marked man and an unofficial source told us that a 100.000$ bounty was place on Mr.Goldberg's life. Official reports are still coming in but the authorities have no clues to the killers identity...." but the TV was shut off. Niko was not really in the mood to watch the news. Last nights events were still to fresh. He got flashbacks every few minutes, making him go nuts. Laying on the bed he closed his eyes and let his mind pour through everything. It'll get better in the next day. It always did. He just had to let go. His thoughts wandered away and he feel asleep.

 

Niko woke up to a very annoying sound. Some sort of buzzing. His hart rate accelerated. Could it be the police? sh*t, something had to go wrong. He glanced over at the door. Any second the police is going to knock them down and place him under arrest. He reached for his gun just as the door flew of the door frame and police officers poured through waving their guns. He was becoming dizzy. Desperately he fired his gun but for some reason nothing happened. All the surroundings were spinning, the walls were closing in on him, and then a blackness filled his vision.

 

Niko sat up in bed. "f*ck" it was just a dream. Probably his mind was still going over the last day. It was a lot to take in.

"Shto ye?" - What? he answered his phone because it wouldn't stop ringing.

He listened for a moment and then replied "Sukin sin" - son of the bitch

He listened once more "Shto eto znaci?" - What does it mean

"Da." and he hung up.

 

 

________________

 

I hope I got all the russian right. And give me some feedback. I know it doesnt happen alot in this chapter, but regardless of that please tell me your opinion.

Edited by protein
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This is pretty good, and you've definitely improved since chapter 1. The only problem I really saw was a minor spelling mistake, probably a typo, and you mixed up past and present tenses here:

 

 

Niko woke up to a very annoying sound. Some sort of buzzing. His hart rate accelerated. Could it be the police? sh*t, something had to go wrong. He glanced over at the door. Any second the police is going to knock them down and place him under arrest.

 

Second of all, the noun door is not plural. The police can't knock them door down. However, the police can knock the door down.

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Well no one is perfect and i guess everyone makes mistakes. Thanks for pointing them out. I'll try to correct them.

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Yes, but most people tend to read over there work after they write it, before they post it. They also tend to run spell-check.

Slosten.gif

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