Playing With Kings

[Ryunday]

I might as well post this. I wrote it two weeks ago to practice for the creative writing part of my English exam that I did a week ago. I chose to right this scene because I thought it would be difficult for me to write. Its nothing special, but comments would be appreciated.

 

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Playing With Kings

 

The calm before the storm is well in force among everyone why they franticly try to get all the horses to troop in to the gate. Jockeys mount there horse and spectators watch from a far.

 

All are quiet, the only noise is the commentator’s voice of in the distance flying across the track. “All are in the gates now.”

 

Everyone is still waiting for a single moment to hit, excitement and nerves are in the air. And then it happens, the buzzer goes off, the gates fly open and the horses jump out of them.

 

“And there off! Golden sands jumps out to an early led,” announces the commentator from his watch post above the stands.

 

The jockeys hold on to there horses why they gallop down the straight. The people watching, cheering, its all nothing to them at the moment. All the Jockeys are concentrating on is the obstacle in front of them. The horses jolt down the track building up speed as they go there is little more then inches separating some of them. But yet the distance seems so far apart, so far to go to catch up to the horse in fount of them. All the Jockeys can hear is the horse troop and the faint cheers of on-lookers in the stands far away.

 

In the stands fans and punters alike sit fixated on the race, with the commentators voice in the back of there minds. They cheer on the horses there backing hoping they will excel to the led in the row of animals. On the track the group of racers move around the corner. All jockeys try to keep the horses close as possible to the inside fence flinging grass, torn from the ground by the horses, in to the air as they do. They clear the corner and again gallop down the straight. The winning post draws closer into site with every movement of the horse, the cheers from the crowd can be heard clearer with every passing seconded and the combination of nerves and adrenalin grows.

 

“There on the last straight now. Diego regains the lead, but Ocean City is gaining fast!,” the commentator yells waiting for the climax.

 

The racers build up speed, trying as hard as they can to reach ahead of their competition. Wind pulls against the Jockeys as they grip their horses tighter.

 

The commentator continues to yell into his microphone “Diego and Ocean City are in the lead and Tar Tears is coming last. Endash Rose takes over Alpha Small and Ocean City begins to fall back… Endash Rose mows down Ocean City from the outside and is catching up to Diego who’s still in the lead. There coming up to finish now and its between Diego and Endash Rose! Ocean City gains some speed but stays in third, he’s to far behind now. Endash Rose is closing in on Diego with ten meters to go… but its not enough! Diego narrowly wins!"

Edited November 25, 2007 by Ryunday

[HawaiianHardHitter]

I like it! Great details and you can just imagine this scene in your head. Keep up the good work brah!

[IntheEnd]

I like it! I wasn't originally gonna read it, but I was like hey, I hate when people don't read mine, so yeah...anyways.

 

I really like it. I've been wanting to take something like a creative writing course in school lately.

 

But anyways, it's great. Read the fic in my sig if ya have time, thanks dude, and keep up the good work

[TheJonesy]

You know I love you Ry-Ry. We are great friends and we both share the same hobby: writing. So, not to be mean, but I'll be completely honest to make yourself a better writer. I'm sure that is one thing you would might appreciate. Hell, you can even do the same for me.

 

Basically, the story is interesting. It different, original, and really shows your voice in writing. But I may suggest a few pointers. Your description is good, but could be better. In order to improve this is to describe basic things such as the Jockey's themselves, the horses and the way they act, the track and the audience during the race.

 

If you do this, an even better atmosphere will be set. Now, I hope you don't take this bad or anything. Overall, it is just as any of your other works: absolutely great. I hope you understand and feel free to continue or show us your other stuff!

[-/TNT\-]

Diego narrowly wins.

 

That's it? It all climaxes up and all you get is a three word sentence as a conclusion? I'd at least replace the period with an exclamation mark, announcing the winner is definitely more important than any scene during the race in this story.

 

[/rant]

 

I liked it. Weird names for those horses though. But then my horse is called TJ...

[IntheEnd]

Humor em jonesy lol

[TheJonesy]

I liked it. Weird names for those horses though. But then my horse is called TJ...[/color]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You know it...

[Ryunday]

Sorry for the late reply. My internet has been down.

 

@All thanks for your comments.

 

@TNT yeah I like to kind of end things in a way you wouldn’t normally end them. This being a short story I don’t really think there has to be a climax. But I see where you coming form how it builds up to that ending.

 

As for horses names, when I was writing this I was watching the racing channel so I stole borrowed some actual horses names. I came up with Tar Tears though.