Holiday Incident Short Story

[Hayden Stasven]

Hey I recently sat this literacy Trial Examination for my School Certificate, accounting towards my school grade. I got the top in my class, and I was surprised at how well I was marked! (18/20)

 

I thought I'd share with you my story that I composed in a fit of rushed confusion as the clock ticked on the examination's imminent closure. Enjoy.

 

 

Matt and Jackson were glad to be away from school for the week, even if it was for a school excursion. It was going to be an excellent time for them, and their girlfriends, Julie and Rosie. Not long after the plane touched town in Venezuela did their class reach the hotel. The trip organizer, Mr. Neil made sure that everyday would be spent to its fullest, and scheduled that the first day be spent observing the local geography; the world’s largest waterfall.

 

Before long, the class had arrived at the site, a viewing structure at the top of the waterfall. As the enthusiast he was, Matt ran out onto the platform and peered down below, much to his girlfriend, Julia’s fright. “Ooh, look at me!” shouted Matt to Jackson, in an attempt to show off. Not to be outdone, Jackson ran up onto the platform and leaned slightly over the edge, which prompted Rosie to cry out in dismay; “Jackson, don’t kid around, seriously!” “Don’t worry, I’m not gonna fall!” replied Jackson, as he leaned more-so over the edge.

 

“Don’t—slip!” joked Matt as he grabbed and shook the wooden bar surrounding the platform. Suddenly, without warning, the barrier posts snapped and swung outwards, bringing Jackson, who was still grasping it, to lean outwards and slip off, swinging and holding on with great might. “Jackson!” Rosie screamed as she ran onto the decking. “Ugh—help me up!” exclaimed Jackson as he dangled helplessly over the massive drop. Matt, Julia, Rosie and the rest of the class attempted to pull the wooden barrier back towards the decking, but it was much too heavy. The wood was very slippery and Jackson was losing his grip, inching down the wooden post, further away from safety.

 

Not soon afterwards, an SES truck pulled up to the structure and two men ran out with a long rope. No one could understand the language the men were speaking, but everyone understood the message. They tied one end of the rope to the truck and threw the other end to Jackson. With the rope as his only hope, he swung himself towards it, fling through the air. One hand gripped the rope, then the other. Slowly, the rope was pulled upwards by the truck, and each inch it moved over the sharp edge of the decking, it weakened. The truck suddenly stalled and fell backwards, causing the rope to fall, and when confronted in its weak state by Jackson’s weight; snapped! Jackson cried out as he fell to his sure and imminent death.

 

It was 10am, and Rosie was by his side, the roaring of the plane’s engine waking him. “Hey sleepy head, this is gonna be one crazy trip.” said Rosie, before Jackson replied with: “Oh you can be sure of that!”

 

[Typhus]

It's alright. Not written too badly although the repeated use of the characters names grates a little. Plus the ending is a little trite, it's been done so often before. But for the intended purpose I would have to say that it is quite effective. You've got potential. Of course, you'll never be as good as Eminence. Because he's been here for so long and is the only one who could make a living out of his writing. But it's always nice to be second place isn't it? To know that you'll always be one step behind someone else. God, makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. But basically, keep at the writing, you've got talent and there is clear room for improvement. And don't let arrogant window-lickers (As Eminence described me) get you down.

[Eminence]

I don't see the repetition of names as an issue in this piece; I hardly noticed it. As a short piece, especially schoolwork, it's efficient - it serves its purpose well, providing a good, short tale.

 

I'd have to agree that the ending is fairly poor - nobody likes their story to end with the old deus ex machina that is "I woke up and it was all I dream". Sure, it's fairly dramatic given the circumstances, and allows the story to continue - providing a cliffhanger ending for such a short piece - but it's just so cliche that I'd steer clear of it altogether in your future work.

 

One grammatical issue I noticed is with regards to speech; new dialogue, new line. It's such a simple concept and should be easy enough to grasp - it eases things for the reader, correctly splitting up the dialogue in order to show who is speaking.

 

An improvement I would suggest is to look at your description - there is a fair amount of action in the piece, and yet you steam through it with just the bare minimum of detail. While this is acceptable in such a small piece, if you were to expand I would attempt to address this in any future work - try to provide better, more unique imagery of the events, enabling the reader to get a better sense of what's going on, and therefore making them more engaged in the piece.

 

On the whole, it's a very promising piece, especially for this type of schoolwork. It's efficient in that it gets the job done according to what the piece demands, so nice work. Keep writing!

 

 

 

As a side-note, I'd like to address Typhus. Honestly, are you 12? Is it truly necessary to stoop to such childish levels, constantly referring back to me in such sarcastic fashion in every post you make? Sure, I could understand if you were speaking directly to me, but nobody else is involved, and nobody else cares - it's totally irrelevant and unnecessary of you to keep dragging this on.

 

All of this is stemming from your 'innocent comment' - a joke, if you will. Sure, it may have been innocent on the surface, but lets be honest; you were expecting people to not understand what it was you were saying, probably in the hopes they would go along with it and feed your dissatisfied ego. You claim I started this by insulting you out of nowhere - I'm afraid not, my friend; the joke's on you. In referring directly to me, you asked me to give your piece praise in the hopes of me winning favour with you - to basically suck up to your piece in my own self-interest, hoping you'd notice me and see me as your little fan. No thanks, this is insulting - as a result, I'd rather not read such tripe.

[Typhus]

What? Most people here don't understand what "sycophantic" means? You know what I was saying Emmy? I was saying that I don't have any love for mindless comments. You get them all the time I'm sure. Do you know what I refer to? "Oh, it's great! It's marvellous! Oh, the sun shines out of your every bodily orafice!" Don't you agree that such comments are worthless? That without criticism, without clearly displaying how one can improve then there is no point in listening to what others have to say? We have to destroy to rebuild. Surely you see that? Surely you can see what I was saying? You are under the mistaken impression that I was being egotistical? No. Never. I am not an egotist. Do you know what I want? Brutal honesty! That is what I desire to hear so I can take it away and work on it. An egotist acts only for his own gratification, myopic to his own failings. Am I such a man? My willingness to recieve and take to heart the worthwhile opinions of others shows otherwise. You have to understand this. It was a simple joke with a biting edge of self depreciation and general dissatisfaction. Not arrogant, not conceited. Just a joke that you took exception to. Attacking me without cause. Without cause. And people say I don't have the right to talk to you as I do? I have the right to do so because you decided to make a scene. You're a smart guy, you'll figure it out. All I want is to improve my craft. And how can a man improve when all he hears is compliments? Does that put it into context? Seriously, you pearl harbour someone and then claim the moral high ground. Your attitude impresses me. Probably why I added you to my respect list.

Edited November 8, 2007 by Typhus

[Hayden Stasven]

Thanks for the input, Eminence. I didn't really have time to think about paragraphing, speech spacing, and detail. I'll try doing better for my official School Certificate paper.

 

As for the ending, I know how much of a cheesy cliche it is, but I really didn't know what to do. I pretty much regretted it as soon as I left the room.