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[Stefan.]

Wow. This is magic.

 

 

Stefan Matovic Cvetkovic faints in awe. 5 minutes later, he gets up again.

 

This would have to be the most detailed, descriptive, enjoyable piece of writing I have ever read. It may be just two Chapters, but that's enough to warrant so much good feedback. I agree, that would take bloody long. Good job, mate. You deserve it.

 

However, I have discovered one little trivial error in your story. The name of the main antagonist in the story, Ulrika Konchalvosky, is actually a Russian boy's name. Considering that she is Russian, Russian surnames have different suffixes for whether they are male or female. Usually, the common suffix for females would be -ova, -skaya, or -ina. These respectively are the masculine forms of the male suffixes -ov, -sky, and -in. For example:

 

• Male, Branislav Mateyov; Female, Milanka Mateyova
• Male, Nikolay Chedomirovsky; Female, Nadiya Chedomirovskaya
• Male, Pavel Milavin; Female, Militsa Milavina

I don't want to sound bithcy, but I just wanted to point that out. You don't have to change it, but I was just letting you know. In this case, Ulrika Konchalvosky's name would be Ulrika Konchalvoskaya.

 

Nonethless, great read.

[Ryunday]

Wow. This is magic.

 

 

Stefan Matovic Cvetkovic faints in awe. 5 minutes later, he gets up again.

 

This would have to be the most detailed, descriptive, enjoyable piece of writing I have ever read. It may be just two Chapters, but that's enough to warrant so much good feedback. I agree, that would take bloody long. Good job, mate. You deserve it.

Welcome to the dark, mysterious, brilliant world of Oxidizer’s writing. Its too bad WD can get fairly inactive, this story deserves more feedback.

[Stefan.]

I'm inclined to agree. This is too good to go to waste. It's also a pity that WD usually only receives, at maximum, 10 posts a day.

[Oxidizer]

Wow! Thank you for the amazing feedback! And for pointing out that little error. I'm in two minds as to whether or not to change it - this story hasn't exactly been acurate with the research side of things (especially the Yakuza) .

 

I always knew she'd be a funny character in the end. In the torture scene Maya was gonna have a shaved head from her kidnappers and Ulrika was gonna call her baldy whilst smacking her very hard across the side of the head with a frying pan - but I took that out 'cause it'll take away the seriousness of it. But I've unknowingly had my characters call her a drag queen all along! "Lady Konchalvosky" *headdesk*

 

Ah well. It's cool. I'll keep it as it is for the time being - I'll probably tidy this story up before I write the last chapter - which will be my best ever in regards to action and badass sequences.

 

But yeah, thanks again for the feedback - it's phenomenal! (And inspires me a lot).

[Stefan.]

Wow! Thank you for the amazing feedback! And for pointing out that little error. I'm in two minds as to whether or not to change it - this story hasn't exactly been acurate with the research side of things (especially the Yakuza) .

 

I always knew she'd be a funny character in the end. In the torture scene Maya was gonna have a shaved head from her kidnappers and Ulrika was gonna call her baldy whilst smacking her very hard across the side of the head with a frying pan - but I took that out 'cause it'll take away the seriousness of it. But I've unknowingly had my characters call her a drag queen all along! "Lady Konchalvosky" *headdesk*

 

Ah well. It's cool. I'll keep it as it is for the time being - I'll probably tidy this story up before I write the last chapter - which will be my best ever in regards to action and badass sequences.

 

But yeah, thanks again for the feedback - it's phenomenal! (And inspires me a lot).

Whatever it takes to get good material!

[Oxidizer]

Just thought I'd give you guys assurance that I haven't forgotten about this, despite being in the middle of writing a new project.

 

Once I've written the first chapter of Album of Macabre, I'll post a massive teaser for this (I'm talking about the entire first scene of Conspiracy With the Devil) and then I'll finish AOM. Then I'll complete this after.

 

Sorry for the delay - it shouldn't be too long now!

[Stefan.]

Don't worry; I'd rather get a good chapter every fortnight than a crap chapter every day. Keep it up!

[Oxidizer]

Thank f*ck! That's a relief.

 

I'm definitely going to be taking my time with Conspiracy With the Devil as I kinda rushed the latest chapter and let's just say it's not as good as I'd have hoped. I've only re-read it twice and that was to weed out the typos - I can't bring myself to read it properly.

 

I visualized the last scene of the story earlier, and if I write it as good as it played out in my mind, then it'll be my best scene by a mile. That and a couple of particularly disturbing scenes from the upcoming Album of Macabre.

[Oxidizer]

*deleted*

Edited December 3, 2007 by Oxidizer

[Oxidizer]

Right. Just tidied up what I already had and I'm glad I did - the conspiracy's been altered a tiny bit and is so much better now - giving closure to all the storylines with the Yakuza, Red Mafia and Black Ops.

 

So, any guesses as to why the hell the United States' government's presence is in Tokyo, and causing a string of murders?

[Oxidizer]

Bumping this as I feel it deserves a bit of attention.

 

Sadly I'm not gonna be finishing this one as it's kind of past its sell-by date. So enjoy what I managed to write before losing my interest in it (not exactly a satisfying makeshift end but I hope it ties a couple of loose ends).

 

For anyone who wants to know how the final chapter was gonna play out: PM me.

 

Have fun!

[Oxidizer]

Think it's safe to say that this will remain incomplete indefinitely. So I'm putting how the final chapter in the trilogy would've played out in spoiler tags:

 

Jack interrupts a conversation Travis, Sofia and Rueben are having in Downtown Tokyo, where he demands to speak to Travis alone. Across the street are two Yakuza spies.

 

Bill texts He's in Downtown to Samantha on his cell-phone, whilst in the elevator of the Yakuza penthouse.

 

As the race proceeds, Jack tells Travis that the Yakuza are planning on assassinating Ulrika. Just as Travis calls Ulrika to warn her, Samantha's agents perform a drive-by and kill Travis. He was Bill's actual target, not Jack as I misguided.

 

The following morning, Samantha's in Bill's limo outside the Japanese ambassador's HQ, where she tells Bill that she has one last mission for him. It's clear by then Suzuki & Toshiko are completely in the dark and Bill's working alone behind their backs.

 

Ulrika, having heard Travis die on the phone and wanting revenge, orders her men to kill the Yakuza leaders - exactly as planned by Samantha. On the balcony of her condo, she's gunned down by Bill, acting as a sniper from an opposite rooftop.

 

Suzuki & Toshiko congratulate Jack for killing Ulrika, thinking he was the sniper. They then tell him that Bill has Jane at the airport and is ready to trade for Maya, who Jack pretends he's in possession of.

 

Samantha's agents ram Jack off the in a traffic tunnel, switching his unconscious body with a corpse matching his statistics in his car, together with a bomb. Agent Hauser, who killed Jane, kills Bill and detonates the explosive; faking Jack's death. They then drive off en route back to the US...

 

*

 

That's basically the scenes. The story was that Samantha had conspired with the Japanese ambassador to 'clean up' the major crime in Tokyo, in exchange for using the city as the venue to entrap Jack. She triggered the feuds between the main organisations, the Russians and Yakuza, and had them wipe each other out. The ambassador, "off-screen", did some damage control to cover-up the conpsiracy. Samantha was under orders to abduct Jack by the US government as their secret weapon against terrorist groups, as Jack's intelligent. It's a hell of a lot more complex than that, but that's the rough idea of what I remember of it.