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Obsession


TheJonesy

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"All rise," the bailiff commands to the court room. He has a distinct sway to his walk. His stance and poise are sluggish and slump. His face was oblong yet round and remains at a constant expression. The man possessed a tiring stare as he follows the judge to his seat with his weighted eyes.

 

"Everyone may be seated," the judge proclaims as he takes his own seat. The judge, whom has smoky white hair and drooping bags under his dark eyes, held a bland face that expresses no emotion, no interest. He has a wide and elongated chin and a mustache which covers his small mouth. He is hunched over in his large chair that sits behind his big, elevated desk.

 

“What do we have here,” the judge says to himself. He then speaks to the room, “Ah, we have the case of Mr. and Mrs. Kingston versus Mr. Davidson. Please bring in the plaintiff and defendant?” Preceding the judge’s command, the bailiff shows the plaintiff and defendant to their corresponding podiums. Meanwhile, the judge reviews over the dossier.

 

The judge, whom obviously has been in this “business” for awhile, looks over the typical case: homicide. The presented information describes the evening of October 14, 1922. In the scarcely populated section of town, Janet Kingston was murdered in the back alleyway behind the G-Town Theater. Investigative reports describe the 18 year-old girl suspended by a dingy, dissipating rope. From the fire escape, she hung down with a pale and distressed expression thrown about her face. Her pearl eyes stared blandly forward with a frightening glow and head tilted above her rag-dolled body.

 

Autopsy reports in the dossier report several cuts about her limbs and torso. Small amounts of her layers of skin have been carefully carved out and her clothes are excessively stained with her thick, dark blood. Multiple sections of her hair have been vigorously removed from her scalp. These and many other physical beatings have rendered her almost unrecognizable by mere friends.

 

Although the judge had seen almost every case, an odd sense of dangerous curiosity ran downwards from the back of his mind down throughout himself. After he finished reading about the case’s background, he lifts his head and looks down upon the convicted man. The judge continues to stare at the accused killer, but refrained since his body began to run bitterly cold.

Edited by TheJonesy
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Likin' the story so far, I want to see how it progresses. I like how it sounds like a police report, especially how you describe the crime scene, it's very appropriate.

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Very, very nice. Keep this up; I know I will be interested in reading the rest.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

 

You've improved incredibly. Please, keep on.

Nice to see you around here Spike. It's been a cafrillion years since I've seen you. It means a lot to me to see you say that. I feel I have improved thanks to all of you (except Cuban). My English teacher is also like an exact copy of Eminence. Everything she says is exactly what he would say. Sometimes, I wonder if it is.

 

But I am really starting to enjoy writing and I am also getting into reading aswell. Since I have to read everyone's stories, I actual am starting to visit the library. I just finished my second book I have ever read in my life (besides the ones you have to read at school). I finished reading The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald and I am planning on reading Babbitt by Sinclair Lewis.

 

Anyhoo, I will try my hardest to keep updates. I've been away quite awhile, but I'll do my best. I may throw in a little side story to get in the "groove" of things.

Edited by TheJonesy
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I apologize for my (rather prolonged) absence, but warn you to be immediately apprehensive of this post - it doesn't indicate a true return! wink.gif

 

I must say, I'm flattered that you'd think of me when receiving criticism from your teacher, haha. I have to protest, though, for I am not female, nor am I an English teacher! colgate.gif

 

I would definitely agree with spike immediately in saying that you've tremendously improved your overall writing style. I'm impressed with the detail you have in this - it's far better than anything I've seen from you before. Where you would once skim over things with only the barest details included, you now break off from the linear narrative to describe things in better detail, and the way the writing flows in these instances is much improved over your previous work. My commendations to you!

 

Despite this, however, I'm disappointed, too. I can't believe people have yet to pick up on this - makes me wonder oftentimes whether it has actually been read - but has nobody noticed the absolute, downright ridiculous amount of tense-switching in this! Dear me, it's Pulp Fiction all over again! (Alas, not in a good way) Back and forth, back and forth. Urgh!

 

Read through it again, and tell me that you notice it. Please! If not, here you go:

 

 

"All rise," the bailiff commands to the court room. He has a distinct sway to his walk. His stance and poise are sluggish and slump. His face was oblong yet round and remains at a constant expression. The man possessed a tiring stare as he follows the judge to his seat with his weighted eyes.

 

"Everyone may be seated," the judge proclaims as he takes his own seat. The judge, whom has smoky white hair and drooping bags under his dark eyes, held a bland face that expresses no emotion, no interest. He has a wide and elongated chin and a mustache which covers his small mouth. He is hunched over in his large chair that sits behind his big, elevated desk.

 

Key: Present / Past

 

As well as this, there's a few other little nitpicky things I could point out. And so I shall! tounge.gif

 

I wouldn't have the judge begin with "what do we have here?" - pertinent as it may be, it just sounds so tired and cliche. As well as this, I see no reason to refer to people later on in the story with the prefix 'whom' - 'who' would be equally sufficient.

 

 

Meanwhile, the judge reviews over the dossier.

 

It sounds, to me at least, a little incorrect to say the judge 'reviews over' the dossier. It would be better to say 'reviews the dossier', which says the same thing but in a more correct form in my opinion - an alternative would be to simply say he 'looks over the dossier', if over is a word you're desperately trying to incorporate.

 

 

whom obviously has been in this “business” for awhile

 

Again, as I mentioned previously, I'd simply say 'who obviously has been...'. As well as this, I wouldn't put the word 'business' into speech marks, but simply in inverted commas, as I just have. Ideally it would be in italics, but 'this method' is just as good.

 

 

Autopsy reports in the dossier report several cuts about her limbs and torso.

 

I wouldn't use the word 'report' in such quick succession. Find an alternative for one of them.

 

 

The judge continues to stare at the accused killer, but refrained since his body began to run bitterly cold.

 

(Incorporated the colours once more to indicate further tense-switching)

 

Here, you've misused the word refrained a little I feel. You first say continues to stare, then you indicate he refrains from doing this - but you haven't clearly labeled these as two separate actions. An easy way to solve this is to use the word 'then' - either by saying 'but then refrained', or simply 'then refrained' - as it is, however, it reads a little incorrectly.

 

On the whole, very good, and impressive. Slightly disappointed, as I say, by the way in which you are unable to grasp the simple concept of tense in a narrative (I thought we'd been through this! tounge.gif) - only kidding! Yeah, but watch out for that. Not kidding this time. wink.gif

 

Good job overall though. I like it, continue. It's excellent to see your progress. smile.gif

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Ah it’s good to have Eminence back. It’s also good to see you back TJ. I will be following this story closely.

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Your as picking as ever Eminence...

You know you love it. mad.gif

 

 

turn.gif

I'm usually use to it, but since I haven't seen you for awhile, I will have to get used to it. Depresses me a little, but I know its only for my good. It'll just make me better so I can make you shut-up...

 

tounge2.gif

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  • 3 weeks later...

It is the roaring times nowadays. Citizen's of this city bustle around keeping themselves busy in their daily routine. Senoirs walk along the crowded walkways of the downtown area. They stride along the sides of the buzzing roads where sworms of black beetles scurry. Random people periodically continue in and out of stores and shops and places. It is rather odd how the young and old perform their various tasks. They are done in such a gray matter. It emits a hypnotizing force through every mind and every soul. So many joyous means of such entertainment and enjoyment. But in reality, though, people are dead inside. They are blind.

 

The nighttime can be quite different. The plain and repetitive nature of the day transitions to the mere brightness of the night. The rather busy streets become illuminated from the bright show lights that glitter downtown. Upon entrance, a suspicious smile may come onto one's face from the great sparkle. There are movies and shows and stores and such for anyone's enjoyment. The old are out and the new are in. The adolescents roam the nighttime with dangerous and joyful expressions stretched on their faces.

 

The dark sky, with the moon, will shine curiously through the thick air. Time itself will slown down compared to the daytime which, for an odd reason, seems to fastforward, almost anxious for dawn. People will be ensued into their continuing trance, but this time, it is contagious and thriving.

 

Everyone, either at rest or enjoying themselves, are doing something. The inner workings of the city are not as happy-go-lucky as many may think. In the sheer darkness of the city, there lerks something more to it than what may be seen: ever since the fist hit hard against the wild lifestyles, there was no fun. So obviously, there is going to be trouble, somewhere, somehow.

 

 

 

More to Come Soon

Edited by TheJonesy
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Whoa, good setup. Can't wait for the next part.

 

 

-/TNT\- makes way for an "eminent" post
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  • 3 weeks later...

Travelling upwards on the main street, another street veers to the left. As one would travel on this road, the town square is seen. Streets circle around the center. A patch of nature and peace surrounded by the steel jungle. Standing proudly in the center, a statue. A finely nurtured and cared lawn engulfs the monument and four, perpendicular walks meet. Straight ahead, stands a large building. A monster with intimidating structure: four pillars and a weathered marble skin.

 

Within the building is the courtroom. There sits the judge, perched at his throne and to his left and right is the plaintiff as well as the predator, Mr. Alan Davidson. For a man in his younger years, his hair is finely white. His eyes are a misjudging blue. If one were to stare into them, they would be lost in a cold trance. They are deep, such as a black hole, bringing you closer and closer to his inner conscious. But rather than fear, his face is just as a question mark. It requires one to look beyond the presented perception. At first, he does not seem in anyway threatening. He shares a common spark and presence similar to that of a con man.

 

Alan was a troubled child. He was born and raised in a highly rural area. In the fall of '89, he lived as a ranch-boy in the dry plains of Nevada. He mostly remained quiet but was a steady worker. He never attended school nor ever intended to. He lived in a small home: two rooms, a trailer without wheels in the middle of nowhere. Due to the arrival of his younger sister, he shared a room with his parents.

 

At one time, his parents brought him to a local institute, since he never spoke, never communicated. He was put on heavy medication in his early years, when it wasn't necessary. Although he was abused for a few years, his father quit when he become an alcoholic. His mother was a hard worker as well, but paid no attention to no one, besides the baby.

Edited by TheJonesy
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  • 3 weeks later...

You writing is very well improved from what it was with your first post in this thread. You're effectively elaborating your story without going into to much unneccesary detail like with your first post (although that was probably your point, to make it seem like a police file). Although your writing is keeping me enthralled (truly, it is) where is this going? dontgetit.gif

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You writing is very well improved from what it was with your first post in this thread. You're effectively elaborating your story without going into to much unneccesary detail like with your first post (although that was probably your point, to make it seem like a police file). Although your writing is keeping me enthralled (truly, it is) where is this going? dontgetit.gif

You see:

 

As you can tell, I'm lingering around the story, cause I really have no idea how to approach it now.

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