xNamexTakenx Posted September 16, 2007 Share Posted September 16, 2007 My first fan-fic didn't do too well. I hope this one is better ! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tim was an average bum. He usually wore a blue jean jacket and a cap. Him and his friend, Frank, were excellent muggers. They didn't do anything fancy, but they make their way in life. f*ck, I need some money Thought Tim to himself. He found a Leone wandering alone. Ahh, the hell with it! He thought. Tim was one of the best robbers in the city. He thinks he's ready for this. He sneaks up behind him and steals his wallet. "Woah, pickpocket!" Cried out the Leone. "You f*ck! Get back here!" Suddenly, a black Moonbeam pulls up. "Get in!" It was Frank. He was black and he usually wore a blue and brown coat. They both drove away in the night. However, that wasn't it. The cops were on their tail! They made it as far as Chinatown when they just stopped the car and got out. They were running across a parking lot when a Leone Sentinel pulls up in front of them. It was the same Leone who they mugged. He pulls out an AK-47 and... "Nobody f*cks with Mickey Hamfists! NOBODY!" He points the gun at Tim and Tim holds up his hands. He gets blown away from the power of the machine gun. Frank is sprayed with blood. "TIM!" There's more gunfire. He looks around and there's three Triads coming after Mickey the Leone. Frank sees this as his queue and runs for his life! He gets away but... "f*ck you, you damn Leone!" The Triads call out. But, Mickey fires at two of them and they fall flat on the ground, blood everywhere. He turns around to kill the last, and he a riddle of bullets from the Triad's uzi hits him in the chest. He drops his AK and gets his grenade he was saving and throws it at the Triad. BOOM! The Triad blows up in an explosion of blood and his limbs go flying in all directions. Mickey lost a lot of blood but the hospital is just around the corner. If he can just make it... Out of nowhere, a Triad Fish Van drives straight at him. Before he can do anything, he's smashed into bits. The Triad gets out and answers Mickey's cell phone, which is ringing. "Mickey, this is Luigi, where the hell are you!?!" Says the voice on the other line. "Hello, Luigi. It seems that Mickey's sleeping with the fishes, you f*cking Leone!" THE END --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- That's it. I hope you liked it better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluenothing65 Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 1 word or emoticon for that matter Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Garcia aka NjNakedSnake Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 Damn....that was amateur. How long did it take you to write it, 2 minutes? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xNamexTakenx Posted September 17, 2007 Author Share Posted September 17, 2007 Damn....that was amateur. How long did it take you to write it, 2 minutes? lol I know, I am new to this. No, it took me about 30 minutes, in fact. And btw you don't have to be such a complete ass! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
60 Cent. Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 He was just giving you some criticism. Don't take everything so personal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xNamexTakenx Posted September 18, 2007 Author Share Posted September 18, 2007 Aww, f*ck! Not you again! You're here to argue with me, again? People don't have to be so harsh. Anyway, I'm not taking it personally. What makes you think I take everything personally? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
60 Cent. Posted September 18, 2007 Share Posted September 18, 2007 Dude. I'm not arguing with you. All I gave you was some friendly advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheJonesy Posted September 19, 2007 Share Posted September 19, 2007 I don't really like getting involved with fueds, but: 1) It don't matter if you suck or you make Stephen King look like a retarded hermaphrodite, you WILL be critized. 2) Don't post unless you have a comment, suggestion, concern or complaint about the story. 3) If you want to start problems, keep it to PM's or the official GTAF Mud-Wrestling Ring! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xNamexTakenx Posted September 19, 2007 Author Share Posted September 19, 2007 Okay. I give up. Obviously, I don't know how to make good fan-fics lol. So, I'll just stop here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheJonesy Posted September 19, 2007 Share Posted September 19, 2007 (edited) I'm not saying to stop. There is plenty room for improvements. I suck just as much as anybody else. But you will be respected by the people here if you just try. Many people run through here, make one story, get critized and just quit. You can quit if you want, but believe me you will continue to not make any good stories anymore if you just stop here... Remember: In Writing... 1) 50% is reading 2) 30% is execution 3) 20% is grammar 4) 10% is imagination Edited September 19, 2007 by TheJonesy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xNamexTakenx Posted September 19, 2007 Author Share Posted September 19, 2007 Well, thanks for the advice . You just gave me hope lol. I'll try to make better fan-fics! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archaon, Lord of End Times Posted September 20, 2007 Share Posted September 20, 2007 Your writing style is good, but your story, well, sucks. You need to get a longer, more intricate story. Then you may have something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xNamexTakenx Posted September 20, 2007 Author Share Posted September 20, 2007 Ok. I suggest everyone to read my Liberty City short stories. They're way better and more thought out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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