xNamexTakenx Posted September 16, 2007 Share Posted September 16, 2007 (edited) This is my very first fan-fic, so go easy on me lol. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The taxi driver was getting annoyed. Somebody wanted a taxi in the Torrington area. He was getting pissed off because they were taking their sweet time. Whoever it was was probably a gangster since they wanted a ride from the Big Shot Casino. He turned on the radio to Radio Del Mundo. All of a sudden, he hears some sirens behind him. He looks and there's two police men getting out of their car and chasing a Yakuza. It looked like the Japanese gangster didn't have a ride. He went up to the taxi, but instead of getting in the back, he opened the driver's door, and pulled him out. "Ahh! You bastard, what are you doing?" Said the taxi driver. Right before the Yakuza could get away, the taxi driver pulled him out and kicked him on the floor. "You want a piece of me?" The gangster got up and the taxi driver started throwing punches at him. That's it! The Yakuza had it! He pulled out his 9mm. "Oh, shee-" The taxi driver's words were cut short when he was shot to the ground. Blood started pouring out into a puddle around him. "That's what you get when you f*ck with the Yakuza, bitch!" The gangster got in the car and drove away. That day, he got away from the police. And an innocent taxi driver dies... "That bastard!" Said the first cop. "I hate when these f*ckers commit grand theft auto." "Tsk, tsk. The poor soul." Said the second cop, turning the taxi driver's head with his boot. "What was his name?" Said the other. "Hmm." He takes out some ID. "Panjit Gavaskar." "No kidding!" Said the first cop. "You're telling me a radio host was just a simple, everyday taxi driver?" "Looks like it. Get an ambulance, would ya?" "Right away, sir." THE END --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- That's it, guys. I hope you liked it. Give me feedback. I want to know what you thought. Edited September 16, 2007 by xNamexTakenx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vercetti21 Posted September 16, 2007 Share Posted September 16, 2007 Not much of a story here, which possibly could have been made up for, had your writing been a bit less bland. In the future, don't just say what is happening, but emphasize on the details. Use imagery to create a vivid picture in the reader's mind. For example: He pulled out his 9mm. "Oh, shee-" The taxi driver's words were cut short when he was shot to the ground. Blood started pouring out into a puddle around him. In one instant, the Yakuza suddenly pulled a 9mm from his jacket pocket. Before the taxi driver was even able to curse under his shaky breath, several rounds of lead had been pumped into his trembling body. Letting out a final gasp, he shamefully dropped to his knees, and plopped forward onto the pavement. Blood slowly oozed out of his gun wounds, and spread around his body as it spilled out on the ground. I wrote that in a quick 5 minutes, so it's definitely not the best example, but you get the idea. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluenothing65 Posted September 16, 2007 Share Posted September 16, 2007 really good writing keep it up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saltinespike Posted September 16, 2007 Share Posted September 16, 2007 Alright, I'll give you a hand with this. Corrections are bolded, eliminations are struck out, my comments are in [in brackets and underlined.] The taxi driver was getting annoyed. Somebody wanted a taxi in the Torrington area. [i would suggest something more like "He was sent to pick someone up in Torrington."] He was getting pissed off because they were taking their sweet time. [it seems as if the narrator is being bitter, as if siding with the taxi driver. The narrator is supposed to be neutral.] Whoever it was It was probably a gangster since they wanted a ride from the Big Shot Casino. [Two things here. One, we don't want "whoever it was, it was probably". That hurts the flow a lot. Two, why does he assume the'yre gangsters? Only gangsters gamble? Last time I checked, most races and cultures gamble.] He turned on the radio to Radio Del Mundo. All of a sudden, he hears some sirens behind him. ["All of the sudden" is a pretty amateur and unprofessional phrase. Don't use it.] He looks and there's are two policemen getting out of their car and chasing a Yakuza. It looked like the Japanese gangster didn't have a ride. He went ran up to the taxi, but instead of getting in the back, he opened the driver's door, and pulled him out. "Ahh! You bastard, what are you doing?" Said the taxi driver. Right before the Yakuza could get away, the taxi driver pulled him out and kicked him onto the floor ground. "You want a piece of me?" [Remember these spaces. Whenever someone new is talking, you need to provide a break.] The gangster got up and the taxi driver started throwing punches at him. That's it! [ultimate amateur move. Just... no.] The Yakuza had it! He pulled out his 9mm. "Oh, shee-" The taxi driver's words were cut short when he was shot to the ground. Blood started pouring out forming into a puddle around him. "That's what you get when you f*ck with the Yakuza, bitch!" The gangster got in the car and drove away. That day, he got away from the police. And an innocent taxi driver dies... [Oh my god. Please stop. Please tell me if I need to explain. I hope you get it.] "That bastard," said the first cop. "I hate when these f*ckers commit grand theft auto." [You're stepping further away from realistic. This quote was horrible.] "Tsk, tsk. The poor soul," said the second cop, turning the taxi driver's head with his boot. "What was his name?" said asked the other. "Hmm." He takes out some ID. "Panjit Gavaskar." "No kidding," said exclaimed the first cop. "You're telling me a radio host was just a simple, everyday taxi driver?" [Pfff. Yeah, right.] "Looks like it. Get an ambulance, would ya?" "Right away, sir." THE END As mentioned before, it's not really a story. Even with details, it's just a scene. You need to work on the flow of your story. Hope this helped. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xNamexTakenx Posted September 16, 2007 Author Share Posted September 16, 2007 Well, thanks for the feedback . Even though it was pretty rough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saltinespike Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 You're never beyond correction. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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