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The final Minutes of Sal


silviodante

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This is the way I orchestrated the murder of Don Salvatore Leone in Grand Theft Auto III. This is much more detailed than the gamplay itself.

Edit: I have fixed up the grammer and word usage.

 

It was 12:35 PM by the time Salvatore Leone stepped out onto the streets of the Red Light District. The sound of traffic and car horns could be heard throughout the surrounding streets. "These Cold nights are always common in Portland around this time of the year", he thought. He wanted to go back in to the warm club, but he knew he needed to get back home. Sal tightened his overcoat against himself, already feeling the cold. The six men in front of him were his own personal guards. He needed them, and they needed him. They were all part of a special kind of family, The Leone Family. Salvatore Leone was the family’s father, boss, or as most called him, Don. Ignorant People outside of this “Family” would refer to it as the "Notorious Mafia," but the members belonging to it, those chosen, would call it “La Cosa Nostra” or “This Thing of Ours”.

 

Sal decided to exit the “Family” club out the back. Three shiny Leone Sentinels, each with its own driver, were parked by the curb in front of the club. Salvatore decided that he would get in the middle car with his two most trusted guards and then the last four guards would separate into the front and back cars.

 

The front three guards exited the alleyway and reached the side walk. Finally, Salvatore exited the club when the time was right, and was walking through the alleyway, when three metal looking balls bounced around in between the first three guards and the parked Sentinels. "Grenades!" A guard screamed, before a quick succession of tremendous explosions erupted, blowing up all three guards and both middle and front cars. The alleyway and sidewalk was engulfed in the blood of the men who have spent their whole lives to become members of this "Family." There were limbs and many other body parts scattered all along this alleyway. His two top guards, soldiers who both had high ambitions, lunged in front of their leader. “Sal, get behind us!” one yelled while pulling out his shiny 1991 Colt 45. These protectors of his saw the man causing all of this trouble, but before they could do anything, they were both ripped apart by several rounds of ammunition. Salvatore was stunned by the man who was doing this. “You Mute, MotherFu…” he was cut off by gunshots fired off from his remaining guard. The “Mute” was hit in the lower leg, but the bullet went through and out the other side. Not critical at all. He returned fired with his newly aquired AK-47. The guard went down within seconds.

 

Bodies, blood, and bullet cartridges littered the sidewalk and allyway. The street was covered with pieces of burnt metal from the once elegant, now blown up cars, while the smell of burning flesh and gunpowder was in the air. “I thought you were dead…. I had you killed” Sal said with a hint of exposure. Everything seemed to go silent. The “Mute” lifted his gun to his shoulder for precise arm and pressed down slowly on the trigger. Now, Salvatore waited for his death to come. He would not cower from this assassin or even plead for his life, Salvatore would be a man, a man that got him to the top of his empire. The only sound he could hear in those last seconds of his life was…

 

Click… Click… Click…

 

The gun was dry. This would-be assassin threw the gun to the ground and looked up at Sal as the sound of sirens could be heard getting closer. Salvatore Leone, “Capo Di Tutti Capi” or “Boss of All Bosses” took this chance to pull out his handgun, take aim, and say with an angry, murdurous tone, “Now I can be sure that you are dead.” But in such a fast speed, the “Mute” pulled out his pistol and fired. Salvatore hit the ground, and his own pool of blood emerged, along with his own men.

Edited by silviodante
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Before I post here: Can you not post the same story twice! There's an Edit button...

 

The writing is alright. I see you took some of my advice about spacing. The description and stuff was okay too.

 

So feel free to post some more stories, but only once!

Edited by TheJonesy
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I know. I didn't even now about the second one until after I was done editing the original.

My Bad on the entire thing.

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I know. I didn't even now about the second one until after I was done editing the original.

My Bad on the entire thing.

I thought you were screwin' with me there at first...

 

Anyway's, you writing is pretty good. Like I said before, I would like to see more work. We would be happy to have another writer...

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Pretty interesting read, but there a few unnecessary commas here and there. Also, I think you were too cold when describing the Leone Family and all the translations were unneeded.

Numbers as well, note when you say that the guard was shot by a "7.62 x 39 millimeter ammo"; we don't know what that is. At least I don't. It could be replaced with the name of the gun.

Also:

 

and say with such an angry tone, “Now I can be sure that your dead.” But in such a fast speed,

Watch out for word repetition.

 

 

"The “Mute” lifted his gun to his shoulder for precise arm and pressed down the trigger and the only sound you could hear was…"

I think you unintentionally broke the fourth wall there; you're not supposed to talk with the reader.

 

Overall, it was a nice piece of writing.

 

P.S.: Sorry if I sounded too harsh, I'm just trying to help.

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Pretty interesting read, but there a few unnecessary commas here and there. Also, I think you were too cold when describing the Leone Family and all the translations were unneeded.

Numbers as well, note when you say that the guard was shot by a "7.62 x 39 millimeter ammo"; we don't know what that is. At least I don't. It could be replaced with the name of the gun.

Also:

 

and say with such an angry tone, “Now I can be sure that your dead.” But in such a fast speed,

Watch out for word repetition.

 

 

"The “Mute” lifted his gun to his shoulder for precise arm and pressed down the trigger and the only sound you could hear was…"

I think you unintentionally broke the fourth wall there; you're not supposed to talk with the reader.

 

Overall, it was a nice piece of writing.

 

P.S.: Sorry if I sounded too harsh, I'm just trying to help.

Thanks. You weren't harsh at all. Your kind of critisism will help improve future stories.

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  • 2 weeks later...

This is not at all bad. The only thing I would strongly recommend would be to add a bit more description to events, etc.

 

Example:

 

 

Those men were blown apart and the alleyway and sidewalk had blood and limbs everywhere.

 

This might sound better if it was more descriptive. It could be written as:

 

 

The men were blown apart by the terrific explosion. The alleyway and sidwalk were both plastered with the blood and charred limbs of those who had given their lives to protect the Don.

 

Of course, some people may think my sentences were too descriptive. It's really a matter of how you can adapt your writing style.

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