Ziggy455 Posted August 4, 2007 Share Posted August 4, 2007 (edited) Vice Agreements This story is about raphael stinger and his move to vice city to invest in a buisness,but getting sidetracked and becoming a respected crook on the way... Characters: Raphael stinger,Cam Jones,Keira links,donny cake donovan,Mr teal,Piggy Pens,Lenny hikes... Its 1980 and vice is brimming with oppurtunities of crime,buisness's and good ole fashioned jobs but raphael stinger is just a small time guy hoping of making a big buisness in a big city... Chapter 1 Arrival It was a normal day in vice,sun shining,crooks selling fake watches on the exit of the terminal and the speakers yelling" flight 67 will be delayed for another 40 minutes" Raphael stinger pushed his way past the people and made his way to the exit when he was greeted by a spanish person with a box of watches: cuban: hey yo you wanna buy some qaulity sh*t? Raphael: No thanks i don't need any watches... cuban: Come on help a hombre out... Raphael: look...i said no! The cuban looked at raphael cooly and said " i got 5 mouths to feed" Raphael shrugged and continued to the exit not knowing that the cuban was flipping him off... Outside raphael was Signalling for a taxi which was not going well when suddenly a stranger rested his hand on Raphaels left shoulder... Raphael: can i help you stranger: Mr teal? Raphael: Um no i am ra-- stranger: it does not matter! quick take this package to ocean drive hotel! the stranger passed Raphael the package and ran into the airport Raphael stood in the taxi area for a minute and then proceeded calling for a taxi... Raphael knew he was in for a ride... comments please! if you like it ill make chapter 2 Edited August 4, 2007 by Ziggy455 "I might have laughed if I'd have remembered how." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggy455 Posted August 4, 2007 Author Share Posted August 4, 2007 Chapter 2 I'm Just a regular joe! Raphael wondered who the guy was and why he called him mr teal.Even though he'd been in vice for over an hour things started to feel weird... but before he could process any more of his strange encounter he was interrupted by the mexican cab driver: cab driver: that'll be 4 dollars 55 cents sir Raphael: okay here you go cab driver: oh and sir since your new in town you might wanna go buy a piece,the streets is crawlin' with scum lookin for a person to prey on for kicks... Raphael: thanks for the advice,i'll keep it in mind... cab driver: well okay... Raphael left the taxi and looked up at the neon sign which was overhead of him,the neon sign spelled out "OCEAN DRIVE HOTEL" Raphael had never been here but he knew that this place was gonna be trouble... Inside the hotel interior was just like a normal hotel, the check-in desk at front which overlooked a small area of tables and chairs,mexican music playing through corner speakers and stairs leading up to the rooms,The only problem that bugged Raphael was that the entire room was secluded(inculding the check-in desk)."Hello? yelled Raphael" curiously,suddenly the check-in phone rang,Raphael walked over to the desk,hesistated for a minute and then picked up the phone: Raphael: hello? caller: Mr teal? Raphael: no my name is Rapha-- caller: we do not care what your name is... Raphael: Ok who is mr teal? Caller: Our mutual friend and buisnessman Raphael: I don't know anything about anyone! I'm just a regular joe! Caller: please head up the stairs and go to room 6 with the package... Immediatly after the caller had ordered the task the line went dead. Raphael sighed heavily and proceeded up the stairs... "I might have laughed if I'd have remembered how." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HawaiianHardHitter Posted August 5, 2007 Share Posted August 5, 2007 No offence braddah, but this story is pretty dull. I ain't much of a writer either, so I cannot give you much advice. Just add more action and detail to this. I might follow along. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggy455 Posted August 5, 2007 Author Share Posted August 5, 2007 Chapter 3 listen now and listen good Raphael proceeded up the stairs thinking of what he'd see at the top,hoping that he'd not be greeted by buisnessmen asking him for more favours... Raphael reached the top and studied the doors in the hallway when he saw the one with the number 6 on it,Raphael headed over and knocked on the door.The door opened and a short man with a buisness suit opened the door: Buisnessman: you the guy? Raphael: um yeah i'm the guy Buisness: you got the package? Raphael handed the buisnessman the package and hoped they'd let him on his way,suddenly the man invited Raphael in... Raphael headed inside nervously and noticed 4 other men in buisness suits surrounding a small round table,the 4 men eyed him suspiciously and then waited for the 5th man to speak: Buisnessman: boys i'd like you to meet mr teal... Raphael: I'm not mr teal... Suddenly one of the men from the table pulled out a gun and pointed it at Raphael: Gunman: Hes a f*cking rat! c'mon lenny let me kill him! we know he's gonna rat us out... Raphael closed his eyes in frightness and prayed in thought that he would n't die...the short buisness man who was in fact lenny started speaking: lenny: now donny this guy is not teal hes rapha--um hey whats ya name boyyo? Raphael: its r-raphael Lenny snatches the gun from donny and starts talking again: lenny: your a f*ckin psycho...you gotta learn to control your anger or ya gonna f*ck someones f*ckin' eye out donny: sorry boss lenny: good...now raphael you did a good job bringin us this package now we want you to do us another favour... Raphael: look i came here to start a buisness not become a crook.. lenny: crook? were not crooks ma boy! Were buisnessmen,mutual friends taking oppurtunities when they arise... Raphael: look vice city is just where i came to start my buisness! I'm not into drugs or crime... Lenny: kid look at us! were f*ckin' buisnessmen...now i have a proposition for ya ok? Raphael: what kind of buisness oppurtunity? Lenny grinned for a second and then put his arm around Raphael: lenny: i understand your starting a buisness? right? Raphael: yes but not a drug front or anything like that... Lenny and the 4 men started laughing: lenny: kid you think we're all drugs and money! just listen ok! Raphael: ok... Lenny: now your starting a buisness ok...now you don't know where to start am i right? Raphael: yes...you are on the right tracks... Lenny: if you do us some favours i garantee you that your buisness will be fully protected by are um lets say " mutual friends" Raphael: I'm listening... Lenny: plus if you do these favours right we'll pay you some big money! Raphael: how much? Lenny: lets say around the price of 500'000 smackaroos Raphael pondered for a second and thought of all the advantages this could have on his buisness; good protection,booming customers,a brilliant buisness! and 500'000 could n't hurt could it? Raphael: ok I'm in... "I might have laughed if I'd have remembered how." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggy455 Posted August 5, 2007 Author Share Posted August 5, 2007 Chapter 4 Just a couple of favours Raphael listened closely to lennys instructions,Lenny wanted Raphael to do a few favours for him,In return he'd receive 500'000 american dollars. Lennys discussion soon led around to Raphaels first job.Lenny asked 3 of the 4 men to give him some privacy but asked donny to stay: Lenny: kid take donny here and go sniff around ocean drive back alleys...theres a meeting takin place and i want you to be in on it... Raphael: *sigh* ok what do i have to do? Lenny: cubans are in on our buisness wantin' a slice of gold for their own personal use so were gonna send you in with a briefcase full of flash cash... Its not real cash,were gonna stage this and get 250'000'00 while were at it... Raphael: so i was right! this is not just buisness but crime! Lenny: kid i like your enthusiasm but this is vice city and of course theres gonna be a bit of crime here and there so just do this job and we'll talk some more... Donny: ok boss were good to go... donny and raphael headed for the door before stopping to hear lenny: Lenny: oh and donny? Donny: yes boss? Lenny give the kid a piece... donny nodded and pulled out a 9mm HandGun.Raphael looked at the gun for a sec and then took it out of donnys hand...Raphael gulped hard and walked out of the room with donny behind him. Outside the pair walked down the alleys with the briefcase and waited in the spot...after a while a hermes rolled up and 2 cubans got out of the car and walked over to donny and raphael: Donny: wheres the stuff? Cuban Dealer: we holmes don't show da stuff til' we get OUR stuff comprendae? Raphael gulped and knew that the deal was n't gonna go down well: Donny: hey listen to me glacias we-- Cuban dealer 2: BENDEHOE DONT TALK TO MA BROTHER LIKE DAT! Raphael threw the briefcase down and spoke : Raphael: we see the sh*t...you get the sh*t..we deal the sh*t... The cuban dealer opened the briefcase and smiled: Cuban dealer: now were talkin hombre! The cuban dealer's smile turned into a grin: Cuban dealer 2: you stupid Perra... immediatly after the dealer spoke the 2 of them pulled out tec 9s and started shooting,raphael dived behind a car while donny fired straight at them! donny hit the first dealer in the chest which made him slowly fall but then the second dealer laughed hard and shot donny through the neck.donny fell down hard onto the trunk of the car and looked at Raphael: Donny: don..don't let the...them..l..l..live... donnys eyes closed and his body slumped down off the trunk.Suddenly bullets hit the car,Raphael had to think of a plan and quick,the dealer laughed even harder and yelled out "en ninguna parte ahora para funcionar el dickhead!"...Raphael pulled out his gun and prayed that he'd hit that dealer...the dealer reloaded and fired at the car again,Raphael picked up donny's gun and reloaded them both,after reloading Raphael dived out from behind the car and fired right at the dealer...the dealer yelled out in pain from the gunshot and then fired again at Raphael,Raphael fired again and again hitting the dealer with more pain each time he pulled the trigger and after a final aganising shot to the head the dealer finnaly dropped to floor...little did Raphael know that the car behind him was on fire and as he turned around the explosion blasted him across the alley and into the windscreen of the hermes... Raphael fell unconcious due to the blast but before he finnaly blacked out he heard a voice: I take it the deal did not go to plan? To Be Continued... "I might have laughed if I'd have remembered how." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coral_City Posted August 5, 2007 Share Posted August 5, 2007 Script-style dialouge is simply not the way to go around here. The story itself has a very unoriginal premise. Weak dialouge and lack of description really hinder the story's flow as well. You don't need to stop, but I strongly urge you to improve. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggy455 Posted August 5, 2007 Author Share Posted August 5, 2007 Script-style dialouge is simply not the way to go around here. The story itself has a very unoriginal premise. Weak dialouge and lack of description really hinder the story's flow as well. You don't need to stop, but I strongly urge you to improve. this is my first ever story and i thank you for the pointers...i need all the help i can get! i will make an improved better version...i'll try to improve:) "I might have laughed if I'd have remembered how." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggy455 Posted August 5, 2007 Author Share Posted August 5, 2007 OK im changing the speech dialogue so its not like a script! its a speech discussion if you know what i mean... "I might have laughed if I'd have remembered how." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggy455 Posted August 5, 2007 Author Share Posted August 5, 2007 Chapter 5 Motivation kid! Raphael faded in and out of conciousness,al he saw was blurred visions and echoey voices: "hows he doin' doc?" "well he is n't in a critical condition...just a few broken ribs and a concussion,just give him a few days of rest and he'll be fine " doc we need him now" "i'm afraid thats out of the question,hes can't even move yet! hes in a state of shock!" "*sigh* how long?" "how long till what?" " till he can be taken out?" " 3 to 4 days" "ok ill be back then" Raphael could n't see who the man was but he could tell it was lenny,Over the past few days Raphael suffered countless nightmares; explosions,gunshots and agonising screams and donnys face yelling at him that he was a little bitch... Raphael woke up in a sweat and felt the agonsing pain in his ribs...he knew he was at the hospital... he studied the room with his eyes and looked for a clock... after 2 minutes of pain he spotted an alarm clock by his bedside: the time was 4:35am... Raphael layed back on the bed and drifted off asleep before hearing a crying voice yelling: "don...don't let the...them...l...l...live! Raphael woke up and noticed 4 people around his bed side: he noticed lenny straight away and the other 3 from the hotel room: "lenny donnys dea-" "i know Kid, you could n't of helped him" " he died and i just HID!!!" "yeah but you also got rid of that greaseball!" "LOOK I'M NO CROOK! I CAN'T EVEN DO ONE DEAL!!!" "kid shut the hell up and listen ok! you got the balls to do this! you just aint got the motivation!" " i'm not buisnessman! i was in way over my head coming here!" lenny looked at his associates and clicked his fingers,2 of the buisnessmen pulled out guns and put them to Raphaels head while the other one pulled out small knife,Raphael started to get scared; "L.l...l...lenny man come on i don't wanna die! PLEASE DON'T DO THIS TO ME! "kid your a fa**ot! a f*cked up little small time average joe! and we know about you aswell! you came from liberty city! you had a poor family and was hoping to make it here big time! your sister's disease is gradually progressing...that bitch should of kept her legs closed! and your mother! what a f*ckin' whore! shes 47 and shes still sellin herself down on street corners! Raphael pushed the guns and knife away from him and built up his rage: "f*ck you...f*ck YOU! YOU LITTLE TOFFEE NOSED MIDGET! IF THESE f*ckIN RIBS WERE HEALED I'D KICK YOUR f*ckIN' ASS DOWN SO FAR YOU'D BE SHORT ENOUGH TO SEE YOUR FEET IN YOUR DRIVERS LICENSE! Raphael full of rage bent forward regardless of the pain and whispered in lenny ear: "say anything like that again and i'll cut that dick licking tongue of yours out!" lenny smiled and offered his hand to raphael: "kid your a f*ckin hard ass! , motivation was all you needed!" Raphael stared at lenny in blankness for a second before speaking: i'll do the favours i want the money then im doing my buisness ok? lenny grinned and told raphael that he was being discharged today and he'd give him a couple of days rest before he'd give him the next job... the 5 of them walked to reception and signed Raphael out... Raphael now knew his rage would help him in sticky situations but he just wanted to get out now as fast as he could... he was now a crook in the making... "I might have laughed if I'd have remembered how." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now