Ryunday Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 (edited) I have decided to stop posting my story Two Up because this is a public forum and anyone could just take it and claim it as there own. I still will post fanfics and other smaller works, but I don’t really wont to post major works of mine because of the aforementioned reason. Sorry to anyone that was a fan of this story. Edited September 22, 2007 by Ryunday Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheJonesy Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 I am actually enjoying this piece. It has a very different style to it unlike most crime stories. Please post your comments and say if you want me to continue And by the way, NO ONE has the right to stop your story from continuing. I don't think there has ever been a story that had to be stopped just cause it was that bad. But anyway, onto the actual story [sorry to do your job, Eminence]... It is a hot summer night and the city off the gold cost is alive. But out side the city in the bush it is quieter and covered by a blanket of darkness from the trees and the night sky. The only sound is the cars on a highway off in the distance. And the only light is the shimmer of the moon. This beginning was pretty good. You get the basic tone and description, but it could have a little more. For the rest of the story, description was lacking a little. Not too much though. There was quite a bit of dialogue, but it "weighed out" compared to the actual narration. The only problem I had with this story was the grammatical mistakes. Such as these: ...relitvle... ...cuts him of... "I thought owe game was gambling... See what I mean. And be careful when you jumble the dialogue into one paragraph, cause it may cause trouble in the future. You know, the punctuation and knowing exactly who's talking. Basically, watch your spelling mistakes and possibly throw in more description while you're at it. Other than that, the actual plot sounds interesting and I'm looking forward to reading... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ryunday Posted July 29, 2007 Author Share Posted July 29, 2007 (edited) ... Edited September 22, 2007 by Ryunday Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TonyZimmzy Posted July 29, 2007 Share Posted July 29, 2007 I don't think there has ever been a story that had to be stopped just cause it was that bad. *cough* Sunny Vice City *cough* A True Hitman *cough* It looks pretty good, but I doubt I'll follow it. Sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheJonesy Posted July 29, 2007 Share Posted July 29, 2007 I don't think there has ever been a story that had to be stopped just cause it was that bad. *cough* Sunny Vice City *cough* A True Hitman *cough* It looks pretty good, but I doubt I'll follow it. Sorry. I haven't heard of those but very rarely a story has to be stopped, but there is no worry here. @ Tony- You got your opinion just as anyone else. You have work to do on your stories anyway... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TonyZimmzy Posted July 29, 2007 Share Posted July 29, 2007 I don't think there has ever been a story that had to be stopped just cause it was that bad. *cough* Sunny Vice City *cough* A True Hitman *cough* It looks pretty good, but I doubt I'll follow it. Sorry. I haven't heard of those but very rarely a story has to be stopped, but there is no worry here. @ Tony- You got your opinion just as anyone else. You have work to do on your stories anyway... Yeah, I know, I basicly started writing without any experience, and nobody gave me any criticism, so I just basicly learned from reading other people's work, such as Oxi. Go look for the two stories, Sunny Vice City has CJ shooting babies with AKs, and the other one was just absolute sh*t. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oxidizer Posted July 29, 2007 Share Posted July 29, 2007 Yeah, I know, I basicly started writing without any experience, and nobody gave me any criticism, so I just basicly learned from reading other people's work, such as Oxi. Hee. I'll get a big head soon. Anyway, I really like this story! Probably because I'm seriously getting into the more gangster/organized crime stuff (which I'm guessing is a sign that I'm not going to turn into such a depraved psycho some day ). Yeah, really great stuff. I want more! I think it goes without saying that I can't wait for the next part! Looking forward to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Broker Gangsta Posted July 29, 2007 Share Posted July 29, 2007 Pretty good but just make the chapters a little longer and give the characters a lttle more depth an personality. Keep it going. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ryunday Posted August 1, 2007 Author Share Posted August 1, 2007 (edited) ... Edited September 11, 2007 by Ryunday Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mokiesmoky Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 I have been righting this story Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ryunday Posted August 1, 2007 Author Share Posted August 1, 2007 (edited) I have been righting this story ... Edited September 22, 2007 by Ryunday Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mokiesmoky Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 I have been righting this story There I changed my members title. I meant it's write not right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ryunday Posted August 1, 2007 Author Share Posted August 1, 2007 (edited) ... Edited September 22, 2007 by Ryunday Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheJonesy Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 This story is still quite interesting; great job Ryunday! But the only problem is small misspellings throughout the story. Just try to preview the story a little better. Other than that, I like it.... So please continue! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ryunday Posted August 3, 2007 Author Share Posted August 3, 2007 (edited) ... Edited September 22, 2007 by Ryunday Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oxidizer Posted August 3, 2007 Share Posted August 3, 2007 Damn. I read the second part the other day but forgot to comment, sorry about that. Either way, I can't wait for the whole thing and your fanfic! Good luck with your exams. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ryunday Posted August 16, 2007 Author Share Posted August 16, 2007 (edited) I will post the third chapter tomorrow. Fell free to post comments on how I could inprove. Edited August 19, 2007 by Ryunday Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ryunday Posted August 18, 2007 Author Share Posted August 18, 2007 (edited) ... Edited September 11, 2007 by Ryunday Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oxidizer Posted August 18, 2007 Share Posted August 18, 2007 Just read it. Awesome stuff! Now, I don't really like doing this - even if it is constructive - 'cause I'm not one to critize someone's work, but you did ask for tips on how to improve, so here goes... “You want some?” asks Mario “Yeah ok” replies Tony He takes the key and puts it up to his left nostril and snorts about half of the little bit on the key. I'd write dialogue/description like this: “You want some?” asks Mario. “Yeah ok.” replies Tony. He takes the key and puts it up to his left nostril and snorts about half of the little bit on the key. Y'know? Kind of space it out a little bit and put either commas, full-stops or exclamation/question marks after each sentence. Now this part will seem hypocritical 'cause I'm guilty of this with M&P (I'll have to fix it up one day), but... He Then pulls out his phone, dials a number and says “yeah Terri” Re-worked: He then pulls out his phone, dials a number and says “Yeah Terri.” There probably should be a capital letter at the beginning of a character's next line of dialogue, even if the description around/between it is written as if to carry on as a whole line of dialogue, if that makes sense (I suck at explaining!). Anyway, I hope that helps, and I look forward to the new version! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ryunday Posted August 18, 2007 Author Share Posted August 18, 2007 (edited) ... Edited September 22, 2007 by Ryunday Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheJonesy Posted August 19, 2007 Share Posted August 19, 2007 Thanks man I have been playing around with this story a lot and truthfully I think posted it to soon. It doesn’t fell solid to me if you know what I mean. I think I need to rely add more description and play on the setting more. I didn’t put the same amount of time in to the third chapter as I did the last two so the punctuation probably isn’t as good. If any one else has any comments/criticism it would be appreciated I don't know if this was on purpose or accident, but this chapter was quite good. Although it was not action packed or descriptive, it actually filled in a hole that you had in the beginning. I think this chapter really showed some of the charcters personality. Tony being drunk and uncontrolable and Terri being more "clean". I also liked this line: Terri looks out of the cars front windscreen staring at nothing in particular deep in thought. It really shows that Terri seems to be the smarter one of this duo. There was a little lack in description and some more grammatical mistakes, but I'm still interested and still am anxious to see Chpt. 4! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ryunday Posted August 19, 2007 Author Share Posted August 19, 2007 (edited) ... Edited September 22, 2007 by Ryunday Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheJonesy Posted August 19, 2007 Share Posted August 19, 2007 Thanks Jonesy, I didn’t put as much time punctuation wise into this chapter but I think its the best yet because its something eventful. The rest of the story should be more like this chapter and have more action. As for the characters that’s exactly what I was going for with there personalities and that was one of the reasons for this chapter. Well keep it up, man! You're doin' a great job! w00t w00t! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ryunday Posted August 21, 2007 Author Share Posted August 21, 2007 (edited) ... Edited September 22, 2007 by Ryunday Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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