TheTwister Posted July 17, 2007 Share Posted July 17, 2007 "The smell is foul, old, rotten. Fish, a smell that I had come accustomed to for the last two months. Well I think two months. Time means nothing to me, I sleep, eat, think and sleep some more. I can't be sure if it is two months, it could be midnight it, could be noon, the only thing I am certain is that there are fifteen of us in here, crammed head to toe in the hull of Salonika. You see, Salonika, she's not mine. I would be lucky to have one like her, although I worked with loads like her before none as gargantuan as her. Although there's fifteen here, the container next to me has 25, but Chinese woman are smaller. I process nothing of value, only hope, in the form of an address. I've sold this story to hundreds of people, feed them dreams, take their money, smuggle them out. All for a better life in another country, a paradise, a new life. Now, its my turn. Today, is my day. I have nothing to lose. If I go back, I will face police, hitman, and in eventually death. At 13, my brother did the same thing. 15 years of looking after the family, keeping my younger brother out of trouble, he never contacted us until now. How did he know I was in trouble? How did he know what happened to our family? Its seems strange, it's silent. Nothing. A cough here, and a mutter there. Silence. CREEEEEK. I small scuffle, my arm's grabbed by a tall man wearing a dark blue baseball cap with '69's' on it. It's crazy, herded like mountain sheep into a white, rusted coach. There are no sits, windows are blacked out with newspaper. My english isn't the best, but I do make out the date. 21st Jan 2007. Sounds come from outside. It looks like an american cop, they are shouting, he looks flustered, he's worried. Ahh, the receiver, I never thought I'd see one of them. But then again, I never thought I'd be doing this. The coach starts, engine stutters, we're off. I clutch the piece of paper, my ticket to a better life. As my eyes close again for another sleep I nearer my final destination, one last look at the note. 'Brother, find Roman he'll meet you in Liberty City, he'll find you when you arrive' " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truth_B Posted July 17, 2007 Share Posted July 17, 2007 Please sum this up because I don't feel like reading this Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toysintheattic Posted July 17, 2007 Share Posted July 17, 2007 Thats pretty good writing there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Turk_B Posted July 17, 2007 Share Posted July 17, 2007 "The smell is foul, ^^That's as far as i got..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truth_B Posted July 17, 2007 Share Posted July 17, 2007 "The smell is foul, ^^That's as far as i got..... lol I got as far as nothing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel Posted July 17, 2007 Share Posted July 17, 2007 i got up to the first couple of sentence and then skipped to the bottom lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madbosh101 Posted July 17, 2007 Share Posted July 17, 2007 "The smell is foul, old, rotten. Fish, a smell that I had come accustomed to for the last two months. Well I think two months. Time means nothing to me, I sleep, eat, think and sleep some more. I can't be sure if it is two months, it could be midnight it, could be noon, the only thing I am certain is that there are fifteen of us in here, crammed head to toe in the hull of Salonika.You see, Salonika, she's not mine. I would be lucky to have one like her, although I worked with loads like her before none as gargantuan as her. Although there's fifteen here, the container next to me has 25, but Chinese woman are smaller. I process nothing of value, only hope, in the form of an address. I've sold this story to hundreds of people, feed them dreams, take their money, smuggle them out. All for a better life in another country, a paradise, a new life. Now, its my turn. Today, is my day. I have nothing to lose. If I go back, I will face police, hitman, and in eventually death. At 13, my brother did the same thing. 15 years of looking after the family, keeping my younger brother out of trouble, he never contacted us until now. How did he know I was in trouble? How did he know what happened to our family? Its seems strange, it's silent. Nothing. A cough here, and a mutter there. Silence. CREEEEEK. I small scuffle, my arm's grabbed by a tall man wearing a dark blue baseball cap with '69's' on it. It's crazy, herded like mountain sheep into a white, rusted coach. There are no sits, windows are blacked out with newspaper. My english isn't the best, but I do make out the date. 21st Jan 2007. Sounds come from outside. It looks like an american cop, they are shouting, he looks flustered, he's worried. Ahh, the receiver, I never thought I'd see one of them. But then again, I never thought I'd be doing this. The coach starts, engine stutters, we're off. I clutch the piece of paper, my ticket to a better life. As my eyes close again for another sleep I nearer my final destination, one last look at the note. 'Brother, find Roman he'll meet you in Liberty City, he'll find you when you arrive' " ohhhhhhhh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottae Posted July 17, 2007 Share Posted July 17, 2007 Moved to Writers Discussion (sorry Writing folk ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brish Posted July 17, 2007 Share Posted July 17, 2007 I'll dissect it. The smell is foul, old, rotten. I'm thinking psychologically, you are in this same state. Also this hints at a boring, listless routine. Let's read further... Fish, a smell that I had come accustomed to for the last two months. 'Accustomed' confirms my routine theory. I'm thinking the implied smell of rottenness might be a reference to Niko's dark past, as well as yours. Well I think two months. Time means nothing to me, I sleep, eat, think and sleep some more. Time means nothing to him because he is doing the same stuff over and over. He desperately some sort of change in his life. This will probably affect his future decisions. I can't be sure if it is two months, it could be midnight it, could be noon, the only thing I am certain is that there are fifteen of us in here, crammed head to toe in the hull of Salonika. This is where it gets interesting, but it is also where I must stop. Someone continue my work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rasomaso Posted July 17, 2007 Share Posted July 17, 2007 "The smell is foul, old, rotten. Fish, a smell that I had come accustomed to for the last two months. Well I think two months. Time means nothing to me, I sleep, eat, think and sleep some more. I can't be sure if it is two months, it could be midnight it, could be noon, the only thing I am certain is that there are fifteen of us in here, crammed head to toe in the hull of Salonika.You see, Salonika, she's not mine. I would be lucky to have one like her, although I worked with loads like her before none as gargantuan as her. Although there's fifteen here, the container next to me has 25, but Chinese woman are smaller. I process nothing of value, only hope, in the form of an address. I've sold this story to hundreds of people, feed them dreams, take their money, smuggle them out. All for a better life in another country, a paradise, a new life. Now, its my turn. Today, is my day. I have nothing to lose. If I go back, I will face police, hitman, and in eventually death. At 13, my brother did the same thing. 15 years of looking after the family, keeping my younger brother out of trouble, he never contacted us until now. How did he know I was in trouble? How did he know what happened to our family? Its seems strange, it's silent. Nothing. A cough here, and a mutter there. Silence. CREEEEEK. I small scuffle, my arm's grabbed by a tall man wearing a dark blue baseball cap with '69's' on it. It's crazy, herded like mountain sheep into a white, rusted coach. There are no sits, windows are blacked out with newspaper. My english isn't the best, but I do make out the date. 21st Jan 2007. Sounds come from outside. It looks like an american cop, they are shouting, he looks flustered, he's worried. Ahh, the receiver, I never thought I'd see one of them. But then again, I never thought I'd be doing this. The coach starts, engine stutters, we're off. I clutch the piece of paper, my ticket to a better life. As my eyes close again for another sleep I nearer my final destination, one last look at the note. 'Brother, find Roman he'll meet you in Liberty City, he'll find you when you arrive' " What is this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mokiesmoky Posted July 18, 2007 Share Posted July 18, 2007 Salonika = The big ass cargo ship? I'm guessing this is a story on how Niko moves to Liberty City. In fact, it is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saltinespike Posted July 19, 2007 Share Posted July 19, 2007 (edited) Well, I'm feeling considerate enough to dissect this also. So, here goes: (corrections are bolded, eliminations are struck out, and my comments are underlined and placed in brackets). "The smell is foul, old, and rotten: fish, a smell that I had come accustomed to for the last two months. [This last sentence is a fragment. You're going to want to make it a part of the previous sentence, as I did. Also, I suppose putting 2 spaces between sentences wouldn't be an error, but it annoys me. No need to change it though. Well I think two months. [Eliminate this sentence completely. Not only is it worthless, but it's a fragment.] Time means nothing to me; I sleep, eat, think and sleep some more. [The flow of the second part of this sentence throws it off. Either rearrange how it's said or simply eliminate it.] I can't be sure if it is two months, [Enough with the "two months". Drop it.] it could be midnight, it could be noon, [Another reason we eliminated the two months. You compared two months, a fairly large span of time to midnight and noon, which is not a span of time at all.] the only thing I am certain is that there are fifteen of us in here, [so now, we're talking about people. We went from spans of time, to specific times, to people. Needs major revision.] crammed head to toe in the hull of Salonika. [Remember these spaces. They are basically the most important factor of a writer's piece.] You see, Salonika, she's not mine. [simply "You see, Salonika's not mine."] I would be lucky to have one like her, although I worked with loads like her ["Like her... like her. Revise to eliminate the repeat.] before none as gargantuan [big, new words are always impressive. Keep it up.] as her. Although there's fifteen here, the container next to me has 25, but Chinese women are smaller. I possess nothing of value, only hope, in the form of an address. [Well, I think the last part would look better as "I possess only one thing of value: hope, in the form of an address."] I've sold this story to hundreds of people, feed them dreams, take their money, smuggle them out. All for a better life in another country, a paradise, a new life. Now, its my turn. Today, is my day. [Duh. Who else? There's no one else to compare to.] I have nothing to lose. [You've got to make the reader excited before sticking in corny lines as the one before this comment.] If I go back, I will face police, hit men, and in eventually death. At 13, my brother did the same thing. [i would suggest substituting "also sailed to _______".] 15 years of looking after the family, keeping my younger brother out of trouble, he never contacted us until now. How did he know I was in trouble? How did he know what happened to our family? Its seems strange, it's silent. [i've been noticing that you keep switching from past to present tense. Don't do that. Stick with one.] Nothing [of?]. A cough here, and a mutter there; silence. CREEEEEK. [Onomatopoeias are for little kid stories.] I small scuffle, [Whaaaat? Scuffle = shuffle. Small = ...small.] my arm's grabbed by a tall man wearing a dark blue baseball cap with "69s" [har har, imitation rockstar humor... no] on it. It's crazy, herded like mountain sheep into a white, rusted coach. There are no sits, windows are blacked out with newspaper. My English isn't the best, but I do make out the date. 21st Jan 2007. Sounds come from outside. It looks like an American cop. They are shouting, he [Who is "he"?] looks flustered, he's worried. [First person is not omnipotent.] Ahh, the receiver, I never thought I'd see one of them. But then again, I never thought I'd be doing this. The coach starts, engine stutters, and we're off. I clutch the piece of paper, my ticket to a better life. ["I clutch the dirty ticket, my last hope, it crinkles between my large fingers.] As my eyes close again for another sleep, I near my final destination, and [sneak, take, whatever] one last look [peek, glance, whatever] at the note. "Brother, find Roman. He'll meet you in Liberty City, he'll [he'll... he'll, take into consideration my criticism from above] find you when you arrive." It is interesting, and it seems to follow a more accurate storyline from others I have seen. Just use my criticism and corrections to get better. I'll definitely follow this though. Cheers! By the way, I do think you over exaggerated the conditions of the immigration. You make it seem like they're slaves, which is what I thought at first. Edited July 19, 2007 by saltinespike Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coral_City Posted July 19, 2007 Share Posted July 19, 2007 Immigration?! It sounds more like illegal entry! Anyhow, this was started in the GTAIV forum and it probably won't be continued. Although, it's an alright story...something to follow, I guess. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saltinespike Posted July 19, 2007 Share Posted July 19, 2007 Immigration?! It sounds more like illegal entry! Oh! Right, right, right. 2 more things. What happened to the cops at the end? And I fixed my corrections up, that quote thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mokiesmoky Posted July 20, 2007 Share Posted July 20, 2007 Immigration?! It sounds more like illegal entry! Oh! Right, right, right. Rockstar DID say Niko was an immigrant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggy455 Posted August 5, 2007 Share Posted August 5, 2007 Salonika = The big ass cargo ship? I'm guessing this is a story on how Niko moves to Liberty City. In fact, it is. Yes its niko writing on his way to liberty city i knew that from reading it once! man u guys r lazy! "I might have laughed if I'd have remembered how." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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